Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,999
These last 2.5 years I have been using dissociatives heavily. To give you an idea I've gone through 25 g of DCK, 8 g of 3-MeO-PCP, 10-15 g DXM, 0.75 g 3-MeO-PCE, 1 g diphenedine, 1 g MXP and about 300-500 nitrous chargers. I know there are people out there that use dissociatives more heavily but this is a lot. It took me a while to get to the point where I could function well on the high doses of dissociatives I was taking. I gotta say, I really enjoyed them and I would get anxious about my difficulty stopping the train once it got in motion. So long as I had them in stock it took will power stronger than I had to stop for more than a few days.
Well, I've been a month sober now and I plan on staying this way for at least 4 more months. That was my commitment. Then I'll reevaluate. I was experiencing some really amazing states while on the dissociatives. I would wonder to myself "where is the down side in all this?" If you've read some of my posts you know I've been a student and practitioner of spiritual disciplines for a while now so the following insight may not appeal to you but was very powerful for me. Well, here is the insight I had. It's our inner child that is the gatekeeper to the vibrational/spiritual realities. A frightened inner child will not allow us to experience these realities. Dissociatives bypass the inner child by essentially drugging him so that these spiritual realities are more accessible. That was the main appeal for me though I wasn't aware of it at the time. Once I saw that I didn't want to do it anymore, I decided I was going to make life changes.
So, nothing psychoactive for 5 months, not even refined sugar or coffee. It's been an adjustment. I can't say I'm where I want to be right now. My diet has degraded some. I don't have the patience to prepare the super-healthy meals I used to eat and so I've gained 10 pounds. I struggle to complete my spiritual practices. I still meditate daily and do other practices, but I spend only 20 minutes a day now on this as compared to 1:30 - 2 hrs daily doing practices when I was using. My practices don't culminate in powerful experiences as they often did on dissociatives. My cognition is fine. My memory has improved a bit and I make fewer mistakes when I talk now that I'm sober but I get less pleasure from my own intelligence if that makes sense. When I was using dissociatives if I said something funny or witty I'd get a lot more pleasure from it, so I did it more often and more effortlessly. Being social takes more effort. Never was a social butterfly even on dissociatives but when I was around other people it felt very spontaneous and fun. Now it is a bit more subdued. Also my production of music feels less inspired. I learned how to sing on dissociatives and now I don't enjoy my voice as much and my music feel more flat.
On the pro side. I am much more authentic in everything I do. It's just me. Nothing else. I take a lot of pleasure in that. There is nothing to hide. No negotiating drug usage in my own head. Like I said earlier, my inner child has been neglected in all this. Finally I can be a responsible parent to my inner experience. That's important to me even if it sounds like psychobabble to you.
So to summarize I'm doing alright, moving in the direction I want for myself but life lost its sparkle and I want it back.
As far as addressing the neurological changes I've been looking for some good tools. So far I've been using Shankhapushpi powder, Ashwagandha and Bacopa which are all Ayurvedic herbs for mental function, stress, energy and alertness. I'm also using Rhodiola Rodea as well. I've also been experiementing with flower essences but too soon to report my finding on this yet. I haven't been exercising and I know that would do wonders for me. I'm still dragging my feet on that. Life feels harder now, but I'll get to it eventually.
So, now that I've shared with you the effects of heavy dissociative use in my life, I'm curious to hear about it in your own. How did you feel during and after? What worked for you to live dissociative free? What supplements etc did you use to address any neurological changes your dissociative use may have triggered? Curious to hear your replies.
Well, I've been a month sober now and I plan on staying this way for at least 4 more months. That was my commitment. Then I'll reevaluate. I was experiencing some really amazing states while on the dissociatives. I would wonder to myself "where is the down side in all this?" If you've read some of my posts you know I've been a student and practitioner of spiritual disciplines for a while now so the following insight may not appeal to you but was very powerful for me. Well, here is the insight I had. It's our inner child that is the gatekeeper to the vibrational/spiritual realities. A frightened inner child will not allow us to experience these realities. Dissociatives bypass the inner child by essentially drugging him so that these spiritual realities are more accessible. That was the main appeal for me though I wasn't aware of it at the time. Once I saw that I didn't want to do it anymore, I decided I was going to make life changes.
So, nothing psychoactive for 5 months, not even refined sugar or coffee. It's been an adjustment. I can't say I'm where I want to be right now. My diet has degraded some. I don't have the patience to prepare the super-healthy meals I used to eat and so I've gained 10 pounds. I struggle to complete my spiritual practices. I still meditate daily and do other practices, but I spend only 20 minutes a day now on this as compared to 1:30 - 2 hrs daily doing practices when I was using. My practices don't culminate in powerful experiences as they often did on dissociatives. My cognition is fine. My memory has improved a bit and I make fewer mistakes when I talk now that I'm sober but I get less pleasure from my own intelligence if that makes sense. When I was using dissociatives if I said something funny or witty I'd get a lot more pleasure from it, so I did it more often and more effortlessly. Being social takes more effort. Never was a social butterfly even on dissociatives but when I was around other people it felt very spontaneous and fun. Now it is a bit more subdued. Also my production of music feels less inspired. I learned how to sing on dissociatives and now I don't enjoy my voice as much and my music feel more flat.
On the pro side. I am much more authentic in everything I do. It's just me. Nothing else. I take a lot of pleasure in that. There is nothing to hide. No negotiating drug usage in my own head. Like I said earlier, my inner child has been neglected in all this. Finally I can be a responsible parent to my inner experience. That's important to me even if it sounds like psychobabble to you.
So to summarize I'm doing alright, moving in the direction I want for myself but life lost its sparkle and I want it back.
As far as addressing the neurological changes I've been looking for some good tools. So far I've been using Shankhapushpi powder, Ashwagandha and Bacopa which are all Ayurvedic herbs for mental function, stress, energy and alertness. I'm also using Rhodiola Rodea as well. I've also been experiementing with flower essences but too soon to report my finding on this yet. I haven't been exercising and I know that would do wonders for me. I'm still dragging my feet on that. Life feels harder now, but I'll get to it eventually.
So, now that I've shared with you the effects of heavy dissociative use in my life, I'm curious to hear about it in your own. How did you feel during and after? What worked for you to live dissociative free? What supplements etc did you use to address any neurological changes your dissociative use may have triggered? Curious to hear your replies.
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