JBreezy3368
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2017
- Messages
- 1
I had to join this group after what I just experienced. I am a new member and this is my first post. Combined with the absolute insanity I have just experienced, Ill ask if can forgive me if I break any rules this one time.. It won't be intentionally. I have utilized this site for years as a research tool and guide though my various adventures, but I have never felt a need to share until now.
I thought I knew what stimulant/cocaine psychosis was and accepted it as part of the butchers bill you pay for using IV cocaine. You may know what I mean, the voices you hear one room over or just around the corner, often of people you know, the flashes of movement just off to the side that you cant help but take a look, the paranoia, the feeling that your being followed, the certainty that "they" are right out that door and they are looking for you and you alone. All that fun stuff. It is irritating but I have always been able to rationally diminish the effects to a point that they were no more of a concern than cotton mouth or a little tremor in the hands. ie
laying in a hotel bed and hearing my sister telling dad you need to go in there and get him, he's got xyz in the drawer next to the bed. Ill call the police and you try to keep him i the room. Its for his own good. That kinda jazz and worse I could ,the sometimes with a lot of concerted effort convince my haywire brain it was impossible. After that I would still hear, begin to feel or start believe these happenings but I knew they were simply a side effect and were not a part of my reality. I knew that, in my psyche, and my brain couldnt delve any deeper when it tried. I guess you could say I had the ability to keep it on the surface psychosis.
Surface psychosis makes you sketchy but now I know what happens when your brain wins control and demands your full attention heart, body and soul. It is indescribably horrible. It is beyond my ability to put into words the horror of deep psychosis. It is like trying to explain to a child if that makes sense. They dont have the requisite emotioanl intelligence to fully grasp the event but they shape a definition as best as possible.
So, here we go. I came into some exceptionally high octane coke about 6 days ago. Not like, hey thats prretty decent stuff. Like, strap on your fucking boosters cause we got some rocket fuel today boys. And off i went. Throughout this past 6 days Ive been slamming shots. Average dose - 1.2 to 1.6 ( 1.6 was right at the edge of uhhh ohh). Average interval between dosage - 1 to 1.5 hours with occassional incidence where the drive to do more took over and I'd nail 2 in an hour or whatnot. No sleep the first 2 nights then decent sleep last 3. Approximately 4-6 hours per night. Tons of hydrating throughout, baby aspirin, vitamins and supplements as well. Overall Ive been having a fantastic little run here. Little surface pyschosis started setting in yesterday, especially with bigger shots but like I said I am or was able to comprehend that these things or imaginings were not real and they didnt really effect my demeanor, outlook, mood etc. Slamming and jamming throughout the day today same story. Now what happened next is probably the most terrifying and horrifying experince Ive yet had in the past 3 decades.
Got home, showered up, grabbed the scale and weighed out (what I thought was) a nice .14er to get the evenimg going. Locked, loaded and into the pipeline it went. Paused 1/2 way there and counted to 12, was not concerned with the level of the rush and sent the rest right behind. Oh shit...thats all I could think and the needle wasnt even out of my arm. Out of nowhere I went from wild to what the fuck. If youve been there you know what I mean. From ringing in the ears to complete wooly silence, my vision turned into what I can only compare to trying to look thru a glass shower door. Equilibrium - goodbye. I struggled to make the 6 steps to the couch. The groumd felt like a trampoline except there were a couple of giants trying to double bounce me. My heart raced my and my breathing required thought and effort. Id been here before. I was taking large steady breathes, laid on my side in the rescue position and then I heard them. People from my life who have passed on. Only it was specific people. People who may have not had the clearest conscience when they died. One would pop a head up from behind the kitchen counter and instally disappear as a new face peaked out from the bedroom doorway. Faster than i could ever hope to follow, let alone while shaking like a dog shitting peach pits, they came closer and closer. And i knew with certianty they were here for me. They would not be denied. My whole being was suffused with fear, like I have never felt in my life but I could only struggle to roll off the crouch and crawl slowly away.. They began to whisper to each other as they closed in from all directions, they were only glimpses each from here and now there, oh god there is one behind me, hes gone but look at the blinds hes peaking in, its fucking Justin and he is waiting to take me somewhere I know Im not coming back from.
All the while i hear so many whispers "we have to wait til.he gives up to take him. Soon soon soon." "It was too much, dont worry he'll come" "ive waited 8 years buddy. 8 YEARS! YOURE COMING DOWN TOO." "No more second chances bubba" Hissing, silibant voices that i recognized sonehow despite the lack of similarity to the real persons voice. I literally cried out in fear, begging for help from anyone or anything that could save me. For a minute I simply lay and screamed and begged while I attempted to regain any motor skills. ALL THE WHILE , that rationality I told you about. It was still there. I told myself all the reasons this was not real, I proved and disproved everything my coke addled brain threw at me but it was pointless. I knew it wasnt real but I coulndt stop myself from reacting. I finally got to my hands and knees again all the while screaming" this is not where you belong" " Protect me God" and other nonsensical hysteria while I tried with my whole being to stand. I made it to the bedroom and grabbed the silver cross necklace sitting on my nightstand. Thank you to whoever left it btw. It was the saving grace. Not being a cross that is but an object of strength, a foundation to reboot and rebuild my shattered mind. I stood ( and even knowing I looked crazier than a shit house rat and this was not necessary antwau because I was hallucinating) I held the cross out and prayed and commanded and demanded they leave my house and go back where tbey came from. Literally just standing there yelling and looking like a certified nutjob for a good time. Then it passed. I was left feeling hollow and completely drained. I couldnt understand what just happened. How did my brain override my psyche, my inner voice that only i know. I had not thought it possible. I had beat the crazy train to the crossing every time before now. Turns out I had been flirting with something I didnt truly understand. So I kept pushing the line until that train ran me right the fuck over.
Just sitting here now smoking and drinking gatorade. I had to share this for some reason. Not sure why but it was the first thing i wanted to due when I once again was fully in control of my body and mind. The whole experience probably lasted 15 to 20 minutes but I feel like it was a whole lifetime. Be careful yall. Its the thinlgs you think you know that catch you with your guard dropped and chin out.
substancecode_cocaine
substancecode_stimulants
explevel_experienced
roacode_iv
exptype_negative
exptype_difficult
I thought I knew what stimulant/cocaine psychosis was and accepted it as part of the butchers bill you pay for using IV cocaine. You may know what I mean, the voices you hear one room over or just around the corner, often of people you know, the flashes of movement just off to the side that you cant help but take a look, the paranoia, the feeling that your being followed, the certainty that "they" are right out that door and they are looking for you and you alone. All that fun stuff. It is irritating but I have always been able to rationally diminish the effects to a point that they were no more of a concern than cotton mouth or a little tremor in the hands. ie
laying in a hotel bed and hearing my sister telling dad you need to go in there and get him, he's got xyz in the drawer next to the bed. Ill call the police and you try to keep him i the room. Its for his own good. That kinda jazz and worse I could ,the sometimes with a lot of concerted effort convince my haywire brain it was impossible. After that I would still hear, begin to feel or start believe these happenings but I knew they were simply a side effect and were not a part of my reality. I knew that, in my psyche, and my brain couldnt delve any deeper when it tried. I guess you could say I had the ability to keep it on the surface psychosis. Surface psychosis makes you sketchy but now I know what happens when your brain wins control and demands your full attention heart, body and soul. It is indescribably horrible. It is beyond my ability to put into words the horror of deep psychosis. It is like trying to explain to a child if that makes sense. They dont have the requisite emotioanl intelligence to fully grasp the event but they shape a definition as best as possible.
So, here we go. I came into some exceptionally high octane coke about 6 days ago. Not like, hey thats prretty decent stuff. Like, strap on your fucking boosters cause we got some rocket fuel today boys. And off i went. Throughout this past 6 days Ive been slamming shots. Average dose - 1.2 to 1.6 ( 1.6 was right at the edge of uhhh ohh). Average interval between dosage - 1 to 1.5 hours with occassional incidence where the drive to do more took over and I'd nail 2 in an hour or whatnot. No sleep the first 2 nights then decent sleep last 3. Approximately 4-6 hours per night. Tons of hydrating throughout, baby aspirin, vitamins and supplements as well. Overall Ive been having a fantastic little run here. Little surface pyschosis started setting in yesterday, especially with bigger shots but like I said I am or was able to comprehend that these things or imaginings were not real and they didnt really effect my demeanor, outlook, mood etc. Slamming and jamming throughout the day today same story. Now what happened next is probably the most terrifying and horrifying experince Ive yet had in the past 3 decades.
Got home, showered up, grabbed the scale and weighed out (what I thought was) a nice .14er to get the evenimg going. Locked, loaded and into the pipeline it went. Paused 1/2 way there and counted to 12, was not concerned with the level of the rush and sent the rest right behind. Oh shit...thats all I could think and the needle wasnt even out of my arm. Out of nowhere I went from wild to what the fuck. If youve been there you know what I mean. From ringing in the ears to complete wooly silence, my vision turned into what I can only compare to trying to look thru a glass shower door. Equilibrium - goodbye. I struggled to make the 6 steps to the couch. The groumd felt like a trampoline except there were a couple of giants trying to double bounce me. My heart raced my and my breathing required thought and effort. Id been here before. I was taking large steady breathes, laid on my side in the rescue position and then I heard them. People from my life who have passed on. Only it was specific people. People who may have not had the clearest conscience when they died. One would pop a head up from behind the kitchen counter and instally disappear as a new face peaked out from the bedroom doorway. Faster than i could ever hope to follow, let alone while shaking like a dog shitting peach pits, they came closer and closer. And i knew with certianty they were here for me. They would not be denied. My whole being was suffused with fear, like I have never felt in my life but I could only struggle to roll off the crouch and crawl slowly away.. They began to whisper to each other as they closed in from all directions, they were only glimpses each from here and now there, oh god there is one behind me, hes gone but look at the blinds hes peaking in, its fucking Justin and he is waiting to take me somewhere I know Im not coming back from.
All the while i hear so many whispers "we have to wait til.he gives up to take him. Soon soon soon." "It was too much, dont worry he'll come" "ive waited 8 years buddy. 8 YEARS! YOURE COMING DOWN TOO." "No more second chances bubba" Hissing, silibant voices that i recognized sonehow despite the lack of similarity to the real persons voice. I literally cried out in fear, begging for help from anyone or anything that could save me. For a minute I simply lay and screamed and begged while I attempted to regain any motor skills. ALL THE WHILE , that rationality I told you about. It was still there. I told myself all the reasons this was not real, I proved and disproved everything my coke addled brain threw at me but it was pointless. I knew it wasnt real but I coulndt stop myself from reacting. I finally got to my hands and knees again all the while screaming" this is not where you belong" " Protect me God" and other nonsensical hysteria while I tried with my whole being to stand. I made it to the bedroom and grabbed the silver cross necklace sitting on my nightstand. Thank you to whoever left it btw. It was the saving grace. Not being a cross that is but an object of strength, a foundation to reboot and rebuild my shattered mind. I stood ( and even knowing I looked crazier than a shit house rat and this was not necessary antwau because I was hallucinating) I held the cross out and prayed and commanded and demanded they leave my house and go back where tbey came from. Literally just standing there yelling and looking like a certified nutjob for a good time. Then it passed. I was left feeling hollow and completely drained. I couldnt understand what just happened. How did my brain override my psyche, my inner voice that only i know. I had not thought it possible. I had beat the crazy train to the crossing every time before now. Turns out I had been flirting with something I didnt truly understand. So I kept pushing the line until that train ran me right the fuck over.
Just sitting here now smoking and drinking gatorade. I had to share this for some reason. Not sure why but it was the first thing i wanted to due when I once again was fully in control of my body and mind. The whole experience probably lasted 15 to 20 minutes but I feel like it was a whole lifetime. Be careful yall. Its the thinlgs you think you know that catch you with your guard dropped and chin out.
substancecode_cocaine
substancecode_stimulants
explevel_experienced
roacode_iv
exptype_negative
exptype_difficult
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