Unhealthy relationships.

[FnX]

^
It's a fools gamble to think the person you're trying to save will still be the same once they've pulled themselves out of whatever hole they were in. They may even end up resenting you too for playing the hero role in the hopes of a reciprocation of affection.

I share a similar mindset, it's actually something I said to my partner too, when they were looking for assurance and I wanted to express my feelings of unconditional love. I felt that the fact I was aware of this risk should convince them that I genuinely care about their well-being. I wanted to improve the situation because I wanted us to have a proper chance, even if healing would ultimately lead to them deciding they didn't want a relationship with me anymore. At least that would have been something genuine, a choice either of us could make that would lead to happiness in the long run. I would rather have someone say they don't want a relationship whilst being true to themselves than to say they want a relationship and even pretend that to the best of their ability, when in reality it's more about fear and misery than love.

My mistake was thinking I knew this person when the truth was I only saw the facade they wanted me to see. How can there be room for genuine love and care towards others if there is no love towards the self. How can you have intimacy with someones outer shell only? The harder you try, the more your own true self will drown and things just keep deteriorating more and more as time passes on. Chances are eventually you become so confused you start to think it's getting better when it's just getting worse and then some day you find yourself thinking how the fuck did you manage to even get to this point.

I came to the conclusion that letting go is the best choice for both of us in the long run, despite it being extremely difficult for both right now. Easy solution, hard solution, doesn't make much sense to think of it in those terms, because it feels like the only solution that opens up room for both to truly heal. The fact that I have to deal with all this guilt tripping right now is actually making me feel less guilty somehow. The truth is, I was in a relationship where my partner was abusive, manipulative and selfish and I was constantly lied to, gas-lighted you name it... until I realized it and everything sort of fell apart.

These past weeks have been pure insanity on so many levels it's almost unfathomable. I am not a person who you can just hurt to make me love someone, at least when I realize what's going on. I am the kind of person who thinks it's an expression of caring if I prevent someone from hurting others, including myself. Sometimes that means taking distance. I have to figure out what makes others think I have loose boundaries or something when they manage to manipulate their way around them. Eventually they always slip up and find out that I have functioning boundaries and I actually enforce them, it's just that I am rather lenient/forgiving towards people who seem to make honest mistakes when it comes to respecting them. Finding out that they weren't mistakes after all is like finding out I'm in a doomed relationship based on lies upon lies.

Christ, I would have never imagined I have to fear for my own safety due to this relationship or the break-up that resulted. That I should have feared for my safety probably all along... I suppose life will keep throwing people like this on my path until I begin viewing the world more realistically or something. I still believe that deep down there is good in everyone, some people have just extreme difficulty accessing it and I am probably the wrong kind of company for them. I don't know, this relationship turned out quite a shock and it's going to take some time to process it all and deal with all the emotions. First I need enough distance to feel safe, then I can properly begin the healing process. I hope that my partner can find the motivation to heal and discover themselves too. I wanted us both to be happy, not to feel miserable together, so I hope we can both find happiness by going on a separate path.

 

[FnX]

For what it's worth, now they actually are dead. I can only speculate if things would be different had I made a different choice, but I made the choice that felt right at the time and will have to live with that now, and suddenly the world has become this brutal fucking place.

 

[-=SS=-]

Sorry to hear that FnX. Don't feel guilty about this unfortunate outcome, everyone has their own path to follow and sometimes death is simply their destiny. There is no point getting magnetized to the guilt and despair, and allowing the same depressive self-destructive spiral that seduced them to death to take you too. Stay strong, give yourself time and space to process everything like you said - it's what the core essence of he/she would want you to do.

 

[FnX]

Sorry to hear that FnX. Don't feel guilty about this unfortunate outcome, everyone has their own path to follow and sometimes death is simply their destiny. There is no point getting magnetized to the guilt and despair, and allowing the same depressive self-destructive spiral that seduced them to death to take you too. Stay strong, give yourself time and space to process everything like you said - it's what the core essence of he/she would want you to do.

It's like, I 100% understand and know this on a rational and logical level, but emotions are what they are at first. It's all so fucked up, I was so angry at first because they hurt me, but now that I realize it was just to push me (and everyone else close to them) away so that they could end their own life with a better conscience... Suicide is probably the last thing that comes to my mind now, I haven't had such thoughts for years anyway. I chose life, they chose death, that was kind of why we broke up in the first life. Still I don't think anything has ever hurt me this much and what hurts most is what happened to them and it just feels plain wrong to sort of decide "yep, they are now in a better place, they no longer have to suffer, their pain is finally gone" or whatever, I can never truly know what was going on in their head during the last weeks. Still, I suppose I just have to make up something at some point and go with that...

 

[pofacedhoe]

OP u cant change other people and they will do what they were going to do.

its life.

you cant win all the time, this level of shit is just a loss. it will happen again and next time u will be prepared. sorry but these suicides are shit but when they happen you cant undo. only life a better life for yourself can you make

 

[Asclepius]

FnX i am sorry for your loss.


If anyone in your life threatens suicide, it is genuinely a cry for help - no matter how manipulative they are, remember to look beyond the surface. At this stage it's not about you but them.
It has nothing to do with you or relationships it is someone looking for support to survive, it's much less shallow, they're problems are greater.
Remember they are suffering so much that they do not have the language to communicate rationally how they are feeling and despite our own bias it is up to each individual to support them, this is a hidden suffering and suicidal feelings manifest in this way.
It is NOT a failure on their part, it is a failure of society that superficially judges human suffering, as alien, which it isn't. Life isn't a TV show, it's not superficial, it isn't about how people conform to our standards and desires, it is about how you treat the most vulnerable that present themselves.

If you know of a person who is 'difficult' and displays severe depressive, anxious or suicidal behaviour. Get support, be patient, put your ego aside and treat them with respect. They are in a far more vulnerable situation than you.
If you want to not deal, at least employ help from others who can offer them what they need.
If you're? in a relationship with someone who is suicidal, create distance from the role but don't abandon them as people -be sensitive, show them you care, help them by empathising with their human suffering.
Be there as strength until they realise they deserve to gain the self-respect that life has stripped from them.
We all go through shit but nobody knows the depths of someone stuck, who can't cope with their trauma.
Don't deny your responsibility to get support for yourself and them - this is life, it's not an anomaly, people suffer and only other humans can support each other.

 

[Asclepius]

Lastly, get help yourself - don't shoulder burden on your own, or just by posting.
This is something that can be dealt with and people do grow, with the right supports and care- have experienced this over and over in life, personally and with others, I've seen the most amazing people come through the depths. It's not a case of people being disposable because they can't cope.
Go to TDS if you need support with more serious life issues or addiction related issues.

 

[bomber]

Ime the basic ingredient of an unhealthy relationship is obsession. If I wake up thinking about her and sleep thinking about her, shit ain't going to work. Even more, when she does the same thing, the relationship isn't gonna be just unhealthy, it's gonna be explosive.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I'm really sorry it came to this and I can't even imagine how you feel, but that was her choice. You have to move on and live your life. You cannot save someone who didn't want to be saved. You did the best you could. It was out of your hands. That person had their mind made up. It was not your fault. Take care of yourself and get help if necessary. You need support.