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Condom removed without me knowing, rape?

Thank you space junk.

I started this thread to create a conversation and discussion about this subject, not to have my morals, inactions, decisions, and values put up on display for scrutinizing. I wasn't the one who removed the condom.

I thank you to everyone who's created a safe space for me to talk and work through these feelings.

@spacejunk, that was the exact article I found and read up about the subject, I had no idea it was a thing until it happened to me.

'David Blaine/The Switch' is disgusting as well, from urban dictionary.
 
it's a truly disgusting phenomenon :(

sadly it seems that the internet has spread all sorts of really ugly misogynistic crap like this.
i know how difficult it can be to process this sort of thing happening to you, so i'm sorry to see that you got some really unhelpful replies here.
this wasn't your fault, and i thank you for bringing it up.
it's a sad thing that women need to be aware of this sort of thing, but sadly there are some fucked up people out there.
i hope that in future you meet the kind of guys you can trust and not have to keep your guard up all the time.

sex should be a fun, enjoyable thing for consenting people, not some kind of psychological battleground where you need to be wary of whether or not someone is being straight with you as to whether or not they're using protection.

as a guy i don't believe for a second that anyone could "forget" they're not wearing a condom.

take care, and thank you again for posting this.
 
it's a truly revolting phenomenon :(

sadly it seems that the internet has spread all sorts of really ugly misogynistic crap like this.
i know how difficult it can be to process this sort of thing happening to you, so i'm sorry to see that you got some really unhelpful replies here.
this wasn't your fault, and i thank you for bringing it up.
it's a sad thing that women need to be aware of this sort of thing, but sadly there are some fucked up people out there.
i hope that in future you meet the kind of guys you can trust and not have to keep your guard up all the time.

sex should be a fun, enjoyable thing for consenting people, not some kind of psychological battleground where you need to be wary of whether or not someone is being straight with you as to whether or not they're using protection.

as a guy i don't believe for a second that anyone could "forget" they're not wearing a condom.

take care, and thank you again for posting this.
 
Perhaps I was wrong. I do agree, spacejunk, that we should never discourage victims of sexual assault from reporting it. Just reading the first few posts I did think it was kind of a grey area, although I don't like to think that there really are any grey areas when it comes to sexual assault.

But anyway having read your other posts since, Ragnarok-isinsight, I think I did not properly understand either the situation or your feelings about it before, so my apologies if I caused any additional distress.

As a guy also, I find it hard to imagine a scenario in which I forget whether I am wearing a condom or not, so I guess I was taking an overly optimistic and somewhat hopeful viewpoint that there was an innocent explanation rather than a malicious one.
 
@vastness
I agree. If I had been in a clear cut, black and white situation where he forced himself on me, there's no doubt id be gone, no excuses, see yah, outta here, taking him to court.

But from my emotions and caring about him and what I kept telling myself was a grey area, I was confused and nervous and my uncomfortable feelings kept mounting, so I knew it was wrong the more time I gave it. I knew I needed outside opinions.

I do think my emotions even clouded my first post of what happened and re reading it, I hate to read that that's what happened, but it did.

The morning after, when he had apologized for forgetting the condom, he had said he simply 'forgot' it wasn't on, but also said he was 'too lazy' to get up and get another. And he also apologized for hurting me at one point, cause he was a little rough at one point. So R can remember he hurt me, but he couldn't remember a condom, even after he switched his story and then said he was just too lazy to get up to get another?

F*** no, I'm not standing for this. He knew what he was doing, and he's going to know what he did was wrong. Now he's openly posting online he's in love with a girl, and I wonder who that could be. The girl he's in love with it mad as hell.

I'll tell him my feelings tonight, and either he'll feel horrible that's how I feel, or he'll shrug and make another excuse. Either way, it's over. I'll look back at these posts to give me strength.

Again, thank you all for all your help. I'm grateful it wasn't as worse as it could have been.
 
A guy taking off a condom without your consent and exposing you to the risk of STDs/pregnancy is definitely assault, and anyone that can't see that needs to open their eyes and/or get their head checked and stfu.

Was he just a drunken mess, or was he being malicious/recklessly selfish? Who knows. He may not have intended to assault you, but he intended the actions which made up the assault (removing the condom and sticking his dick inside you, after you made it very clear that no condom = no sex), so he's entirely responsible for this.

Either way, he's clearly too much of a fool/piece of shit to be having sex like a grown up, and you should find a willy that's attached to a much less pathetic man to play with.
 
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mrsnowygrainius said:
i agree with the other poster, you should be way more careful with unprotected sex if you are not prepared to deal with the consequences. I understand we all get really really horny and caught up in the moment, but how are you going to claim "rape" when you had consensual sex with this guy all night?
Click to expand...
did you read the op? she consented to have protected sex with the guy.

alasdair
 
@mel your message made me smile, haha. No, he was not a drunken mess during the time I was with him before I fell asleep. When I drove to see him in the evening, he'd had less than his normal amount in the day and was going through withdrawals even though he drank 2 nips when I was with him. He was twitching, shaking, sweating, and laid down in the grass outside his house,he told me later he thought he would seize.
He's been an alcoholic for 5 years, for the year I've known him too. I knew his withdrawls were real, I've seen him worse though. We drove to the liquor store to get him more during the night, I witnessed him having 2 more nips in the night but he'd bought more than that. I can't say for certain if he'd drank more when I was sleeping, I feel like he didnt by the time morning came and I saw how many nips were left over, but he might have had more alcohol hiding in the house I didn't see. It's possible he drank more out of my sight, but I don't believe that, I think he was just maintaining normal from drinking. He's going to die in a few years from his drinking and he's fully aware.

@alasdair, I was going to say something similar, but I didn't want to be rude and ask if that person wasn't able to read English.
 
this is all a bit of a grey area.

sometimes condoms slip off, sometimes they rip. its happend to me more than once.

i personally think the clues were there when he had what you descibe as a repetititve conversation/arguement with you about wearing one BEFORE the sex

do i personally put this in the same category as rape? no.

do i think its a violation? yes

the implication depend on what dieases he does or does not have.

the law will be different everywhere on this sort of thing but i imagine a prosecution would be difficult to acheive unless you caught a life changing std from him

honestly he is a peice of shit but i would get myself tested and cut contact.

also check your partner has one on while you are having sex by checking the base of their penis during sex, easy to do on the sly because like i said even if not intentional, though it was in this case, they do slip off and they sometimes rip.

i check that the one i have is on


condoms are not a sure thing


but with guys like this who needs accidents:\

Ragnarok-isinsight said:
I called my male best friend (Brandon) after posting this, for his opinion and experience with removing condoms as a guy. Brandon said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but Brandon believes R wasn't drunk enough to have 'forgotten' a condom. R probably took it off on purpose and as he had sex with me, felt bad over what he was doing and stopped before I found out afterwards and made the situation worse. Brandon said R probably thought I would get over it if R made it out like he simply forgot it took it off. I asked Brandon why would a guy do that, and Brandon said it's hard to come with condoms and feels so much better without, maybe R wanted to feel what is was like without or wanted to establish power like that. I asked Brandon if he's ever forgotten a condom from drinking, and he said even when he's shit faced and doesn't remember half the night from drinking, he always remembers the condom, that's not something that slips your mind. Plus R wasn't drunk, he had a few nips over several hours to feel normal, so that's not an excuse. Plus, since I was sleeping over, I didn't want to wake up next to a shaky, sweating mess from withdrawls, so I was fine with him drinking to maintain normal. I now think R took it off intentionally and felt bad he was deceiving me so he lied to me to make it better.
Click to expand...

this is ultra plausible.

also alcohol makes me not feel anything from bareback sex let alone with a condom on.

shitty thing to do

breach of trust
 
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okay having read about the consent arguement making the sex rape then these also surely make it rape

saying you are on the pill when you are not

saying you do not have a disease when you do (even if a condom was used)

the both parties agree to some condition and otherwise its rape idea- how far can it go?
 
saying you are on the pill when you are not
Click to expand...

rape? i don't know - but it's knowingly 'unsafe' sex (in regards to disease transmission) from the perspective of the male.
i think the question here is more about whether or not a man is obliged to pay child support etc.
it's like condom tampering - the responsibilities and risks are different fore men and women, because the personal consequences are different - men can't get pregnant.

saying you do not have a disease when you do (even if a condom was used)
Click to expand...
i think knowingly lying about diseases is a criminal act in a lot of cases. as you say, condoms aren't perfect.

the problem with guys lying about whether or not they're wearing a condom is two-fold - disease risk and pregnancy risk.
guys don't need to orgasm to get a girl pregnant, so unprotect contact puts the woman at risk, especially if she never finds out it has happened.
there are a lot of complications with sex, so people need to be honest with one another, or they expose one another to harm. unwanted pregnancies can be incredibly difficult to deal with, as can STIs.
 
well if the defintion of rape is that the sex had an aspect to it that both parties did not consent to then lying about being on the pill is kinda similar.

or for example saying that you were hiv+ but on medication and "positive undetecable" but you were lying about the undetecable part/medication part yet you still wore a condom with your partner

so many grey areas


i still think if someone has a condom on, leaves the room and comes back its good to check that they still have one on physically- there is an easy way to do this without causing offense- grab them by the dick and use your hand to aim their cock into you. that way you know and you can play it off as being dominant.
 
I know. I'm not blaming myself and it's not my fault it happened, but I could have checked to see. I see this now. I shouldn't have assumed, but I had no reason to be distrustful of him.

But it's never something I'd ever have to do with my ex, the only other man I've had sex with, I didn't think to check since I knew he'd put it on.

Maybe I was naive, but it's a mistake I won't let happen again.
While I feel so violated and betrayed at this point, if I had checked to see if he was wearing one and he wasn't, I wouldn't have known what a piece of shit he is for deceiving me about it.
 
you live and you learn.

that is all.

people can be shits.

where i'm coming from is years of fucking a lot of different people - just get tested but i think a lot of things take time to show up. dont worry too much. i had bareback sex a few times when i was younger as a gay its more risky including when i was off my tits i let a guy fuck me bareback. i was stressing so much but i got tested and it was fine.
 
The guy is a fucking idiot and a peace of shit, but that's definitely not rape.
 
http://http://honey.nine.com.au/2017/04/24/09/22/stealthing-condoms-removal-consent-sexual-assualt-study




This link is to an article about "Stealthing" which is a term used to describe the act of removing a condom without the partner knowing or consenting.

Its a growing disturbing trend.

Its bullshit that guys do it unknowingly. They know damn well what they are doing and do that because they simply just want to fuck without a condom and taking it off mid act is the way to get away with it.

Its inexcusable.

Condoms can work their way off a bit but its obvious in the way it feels and can be replaced or pulled back up. Men can look and see. Men do like to watch their penis thrust in and out. Women also like to watch and there are positions and also fucking in front of a mirror to see yourselves having sex. Its a turn on and also a good way of seeing there is still a condom on too.

I use condoms on the rare sexual encounter. Yeah Ive had similar issues but the guy was happy to safe sex especially since I told him no sec no condom and I was fertile and if per chance he didnt use it like he knows how and I got pregnant he would then have to accompany me to the abortion and I would make him see the aborted foetus and also punch him in the face proper.

Condoms are not that bad and if they dont like the feel then they miss out or can put someone else at risk.

This incident the OP experienced was not a forgetful mistake. No. This was an intentional selfish act by a guy who could not give a shit about you, went against his word and exposed you to all the risks just so he could get what he wanted.

He had zero right to do that.

The legality of that- its unclear if laws keep up with this but it is a form of assault. No one deserves to be potentially harmed like that and I would think carefully about any further contact with someone like that. He is an arsehole.

No respect. No care factor. Just thought of getting himself off at a cost to you and he should take a good look at himself and realise that he really messed up.


There are guys out there who are better than that. Why have someone like that have the privelidge of being with you when he just abuses it?



Its the equivalent of people who iv and one person handing another a needle they have used to another who has been told its a fresh needle just to see them inject themselves with the perps blood. That happens too.

Yes you were deceived. I suggest you contact a sexual assault service and explain this.

Yes you were good with the sexual encounter. But only if protected. He did not go along with your reasonable request and you have been exposed to std and pre cum pregnancy. Deliberately.

A visit from the police or request for a statement from him might scare him into taking it seriously so no other woman goes through this. It doesnt matter that you had sex again. The full impact of what happened took time to digest and you might want to believe his bullshit story and think hes a decent guy but he is not one.

Its called stealthing. Get some assistance from sexual assault referral and they help by giving you prophylactics and std screening so you can be cleared of these and have some closure.

That guy is bad news.
 
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