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Caught stealing pills from my sister...

S

sashadawn

Greenlighter
Joined
May 27, 2016
Messages
15
And I feel like such a dirtbag.

Years ago, I used to cut myself in an effort to relieve feelings of guilt and self-loathing brought on by major anxiety, until I started taking drugs.

The first time I took opiates and felt that blissful release from all the tension and depression, I was in love and so stupidly ignorant of the hellish addiction I was headed toward. I've cycled opiates/kratom/poppy tea/tramadol addictions for years now, and my mounting abuse has come to a breaking point.

Back then, if someone would have told me that later in my life, I'd be stealing pills out of my sister's purse and fiending for drugs on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, I would never have believed it. I'm so disgusted with how much I've let addiction change me. I've always been super close with my family and now I feel like a horrible, thieving traitor.

So I had a knife ready, aimed at my prior, discreet area on my hip, ready to slice my way out of this horrible, shameful, guilty feeling, but I did put it away with no harm done, so there's a minor victory I suppose. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in a response from anyone, just really disgusted with myself and wanting to relate to people that have been here I guess.
 
Hey you are not alone. I stole pills from my mom after she had a hip replacement surgery. I felt so low and dirty, but also happy at the high and euphoria I got from the oxycodone. It's a double feeling that pulls us back and forth. I also have suicidal feelings from just how much of a loser and scumbag I am. My life has been full of failures and it disgusts me how many bad decisions I have made. Sonjust please know you are not alone and I truly hope you don't harm yourself. I know the feelings are hard to put in the back of your mind while sober. I am not the best person to be giving advice but I hope that better days are on the way for you. If inmay ask how did you get caught? And what was your sister's reaction? If she is extremely pissed at you I hope ou can find a way to smooth things out. So please hang in there and don't do anything bad to yourself and if I can help you in anyway I am here if you are looking for help.
 
Apologize and move forward. Maybe throw her some money if that's an issue. I wouldn't recommend replacing the pills because that's gonna put you in a compromising position.
 
Sasha you are not alone! Ive stolen pills and fentanyl patches from my family, and i would help them look for them.
Crawling on my hands and knees to get to my dads pain medication, or when i was on crack id crawl to my mothers slender purse and grab $20 bill. Time after time, not to mention i would then ask them for money the next day,so i could get my fix. Day after day, week after week!
It got so bad where they had enough and kicked me out, and was living on the streets. Those were some dark days of my life.
 
Well, she had been in the next room while I was committing my crime and had been listening for a pill bottle to be tampered with due to her rising suspicion, and though I was as quiet as possible, it's a shamefully fine-tuned habit, she heard it.

I can't tell you how many I've taken from her over the past few months, so because of my stupid self doing it numerous times, the missing pills began to become more noticeable. So basically because I got sloppy and greedy, I had to confess once she became suspicious enough to confront me about it after she'd heard me messing with the bottle.

She has never counted pills and usually leaves them in easily accessible places which I completely took advantage of. I'm so sickened at myself for actually making a habit of stealing them from her. I'm so ashamed of it all, it will be hard to face her when our family all gets together over the weekend, and that is especially disgusting to me since we're so close, we always spend a lot of time together. I can't believe I've been risking damage to that for the sake of drugs.

She was definitely angry, not irate, but more of a betrayed angry, which was even worse.

I told her I felt horrible and apologized numerous times, but she wasn't very receptive to it.

Cj, that's exactly a situation I'm dealing with right now. I've got an appointment scheduled on Monday with my shady cash clinic doctor that is pretty well the town's legal drug dealer. I was prescribed 120 50mg tramadol on my first visit after a short complaint about some "back pain" and have been back to him every month for at least 5 months. I'll blow through the bottle in 2 weeks, and be in major fiend mode as soon as it dries up.

Anyway, yeah, I don't know what to do about that. I don't know if I should cancel it and offer her money for the pills she didn't want to get rid of in the first place, or if I should drag myself back to the dope doctor and replace them..but then have a half bottle of pills at my dispense.

I mean right now, I loath them and the person I've let them make me. But by Monday, who knows.

Doglover, thank you for your kind response, it is so appreciated man. I think you nailed what I wanted to hear. I'm glad you shared your story with me because I can relate to it on so many levels. Addiction just ravages our lives and turns us into slaves, so it is really encouraging to talk to other people making it through and know I'm not alone. Sending love and support your way too brother, thank you again for sharing.
 
D's, man, I hear you. Thank you for telling me about your story too man. This has been the darkest days for me as well. It sucks, it really sucks, but I think me getting busted was not only bound to happen due to my greediness, but meant to happen too. I see that angry and hurt look on my sister's face when I look at a pill now.
 
sashadawn said:
D's, man, I hear you. Thank you for telling me about your story too man. This has been the darkest days for me as well. It sucks, it really sucks, but I think me getting busted was not only bound to happen due to my greediness, but meant to happen too. I see that angry and hurt look on my sister's face when I look at a pill now.
Click to expand...

It's not greediness--it's addiction. If you are someone that has a history of self-harm, you have learned long ago to both hide your pain and derive shame from it. Those are both components of addiction as well. Try to be compassionate to yourself and don't fall into the old cycle of "I am a horrible person." That is a surefire way to deepen your pain. If you are close to your family, can you confide what is going on to them (or at least to your sister?). Just out of curiosity why does your sister carry the pills in her purse? Are they a legitimate prescription for her or does she also have a problem?
 
How bad is your habit now? What do you use in a day?
If your feeling that disgusted with yourself then quit using.
Depending on how much your using it's not impossible to get clean, especially if your just using a few oxys.
 
Herbavore, that's good advice, and true. That's the next plan of action yeah, telling her how bad my habit really is. The drug of choice for both of us these days is tramadol. Her and I both have legitimate scripts, but for non-existent "pain". We both take them for the mental buzz, though for her, it's maybe 6 in a week.

For me to have a comfortable, withdrawl-free day, I take around 8-12 50mg tramadols with 8g of kratom (4g doses twice). I occasionally get other opiates from friends of work but those are few and far between and none seem to work for me as well as tramadol anymore.

I've tried to quit many times but usually end up coming back to kratom first, then back to the doctor for more tramadol. I'm definitely in a good place to quit now though, since I'm not only really frustrated with myself, but I'll have someone to hold me accountable for my using since I'll have to tell my sister how bad it is now. I have enough left to get high for that conversation to happen, and hopefully that will be my starting point.
 
Well, my sister pretty well shrugged it off and went about like nothing happened. I still told her everything since I still felt so guilty, but she was pretty nonchalant about it, letting me know that her habits are worse than I thought as well and she was surprised I was wanting to quit. She doesn't look at drug habits like an unhealthy addiction, but rather like a necessary coping behavior. I disagree, but gotta admit her flippancy about it makes me feel like, welllll maybe it isn't much of a problem. But, I know that isn't true and still plan on cleaning myself up, at least slowly but surely.

So anyway, thank you all for hearing my vents and responding kindly. Best of luck to all of you.
 
Maybe you will inspire your sister, who knows? It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders and that you are ready to get back on track. Do everything you can to take care of your life--not just the drug use, that's just a symptom. What is missing? What makes you turn away from yourself and your own possibilities and look for instant relief? Sometimes it is just habit--you learned maybe at an early age that it was available to be had and you went for it. Now you have to make a new strategy and that's where the work comes in. But the freedom of being able to feel good without a substance producing those good feelings will do wonders for the rest of your life.<3
 
That's true, in fact that's a good goal to keep in mind, thank you. Yeah, I remember when I used to be 100% content and happy to just be outside, talk to the Lord, go running, camping, anything like that. Now, I haven't been camping in years and also stopped running about a year ago. I tell myself every day, I'll start praying again, running, drawing, all these things that made me happy before but letting it go is harder than I ever imagined it would be.

There was one time I was out walking and praying after I had taken pills. I felt frustrated and worried that I couldn't feel Him like I used to and I clearly heard Him say, "You're numb. You can't feel the pain or sadness, but neither can you feel the joy."

You're so right about that, the freedom of being able to be happy without pills is amazing. Thank you again for the kind advice.
 
Sasha, what if you created a mini-retreat for yourself--or maybe even you and your sister? It's still summer--find a camping spot and go with the intention of taking time to reconnect to what you feel you are losing. Take your drawing stuff, take a notebook. Ask yourself hard questions and don't judge the answers. I think you are in a very powerful spot right now. You have the awareness that you are straying too far from your deepest self. Seize this opportunity to feed that knowledge.<3
 
That's so funny you said that, I was just thinking about a camping trip today! Yes, a trip to get away and reconnect sounds wonderful. Herbavore, you're lovely. Thank you for the inspiring advice ❤
 
Just be strong! I know that it is MUCH easier said than done, but it can be done! Read my welcome post if you're so inclined. As of this writing I'm 60 hours into detox and even though I've had the remainder of my stash right in my hand (oxy & fentanyl) I followed through and gave all of it my my wife to dispose of. YOU CAN DO IT. The body is weak, but your mind is strong and in control.
Now I just have to find the other stashes I've forgotten about...:?
 
sashadawn, sounds like its time to face the music before you delve deeper into addiction. Not saying what you did was ok, but don't beat yourself up too much as it won't benefit you and probably only make recovery harder. IME if you are doing things you feel guilty about so you can continue using or keep from going into withdraws then both addiction and desperation will only get worse. I'd suggest taking this as a wake up call that you have let things get a bit out of hand.

It might help you to understand yourself and others in the throes of addiction to take a look at how opiates and other addictive drugs highjack the reward system of the brain. At some point we start craving drugs more than we crave food. Our brain is wired for survival, but when we use addictive drugs, our brains become wired for addiction and for most addicts the cravings for drugs are like someone starving and craving food.

Tbh, it sounds like your sister already understand where you are coming from and probably uses for similar reasons, although I can't be sure, if you guys had a fucked up childhood you can almost bet that she has similar emotional problems. I know me and my sister have almost identical feelings about our father and our childhood. Maybe once you get some help you can offer her support in getting clean. I honestly believe that no one truly wants to be addicted, more often than not it is to make up for or cover up some sort of emotional/mental problem that we don't know how to deal with at the time.

Also, IME, people are much more receptive to apologies and are more understanding of addiction when you are able to put it behind you and have some sobriety under your belt. If it's something you've done on multiple occasions it's likely that they will want more than just an apology. Sobriety is a way to prove that you are really intent on changing. Addiction changes your behavior and you start doing things waaay out of character, things you probably would have never done were it not for the disease of addiction. Apologies don't mean much if the behavior continues, but once you get sober it wouldn't be a lie to blame that type of behavior on addiction if it really is out of character. We are really not our true selves when in addiction.

Best of luck..
 
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