I am not sure whether I have any mental disorders, but sometimes I tend to doubt my psychological sanity, which, ironically, is said to be a sign of a normally functioning mind. The problem is, whenever I smoke pot or hashish alone, I get extremely depressed. These bouts of cannabis-induced depression, they always develop in the same scenario, starting with obsessive thoughts about the mistakes I have made in my life. The remorse is so extreme at this moment that I am on the verge of tears, but I keep torturing myself and I can't help analysing these stories over and over again. Then, all of a sudden, the depression subsides, and I feel normal, then I feel good, and finally I am in a state of pronounced euphoria. Looks like a happy end, but no, the euphoria wears off in half an hour, and this debilitating rumination resumes and continues for days on end. This period is normally marked by unpredictable mood swings, but suicidal thoughts are always there. Although the thoughts have, as of yet, never turned to actions, they still won't let me enjoy the high, and this is the only reason why I've given up cannabis
. I have been abstaining from pot for 7 months, and the depression is gone completely. Come to think of it, it was not so terrible, because it gave a nudge to improve my life - I found a job, earned some money and spent them on my mother's treatment. Yet right now, I am feeling miserable again, but it has nothing to do with marijuana. And it has everything to do with the drug that I so woefully underestimated, although I have been warned that it is incredibly insidious. It's bloody Valium.