I have been using cocaine pretty normally for over a year, now. And I'm so, so tired. When I first starting using, even at its frequency, it felt GOOD. I had fun! I romanticized the hell out of it, sure. Even when I knew I had developed a problem, I was still taking it to yes, feed my addiction, but to also feel that high that I was still feeling even after continuous and prolonged use.
I slammed cocaine for the first time this-past April, the day before Easter. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I'd done crack before, but even this was different. It felt like the high I had missed for so long was returning to me, and every attempt at the same euphoria following that has proven to be futile. Now I am only serving the addiction. I don't get the euphoria or any of the "good" qualities of doing cocaine. I get anxiety, paranoia, my heart races, I sweat, I pace the floor. Nothing about it is fun or enjoyable, and I'm just so tired.
I am three days sober and three days into a detox. I binged on two grams of cocaine which lasted two days. The first day was terrible. I took an entire gram within two hours. I didn't even intend to take that much that fast. I've NEVER taken that much that fast before. And despite me telling myself to slow down, I didn't listen. I was high out of my mind. The only thing I could think to do was to lie down in the fetal position on my bed. I did so for seven hours. I didn't come down for seven hours. It wasn't until later that I found out that particular bag was cut with meth. "It's still good shit" my dealer texted back. Yeah, thanks, asshole. I laid in my bed shaking, my heart racing and hurting, chills and sweats throughout my body. I toyed with the idea of telling my parents that I needed to go to the hospital, but instead I was too proud. I just laid there and I thought "This is how I die."
The next day I felt okay. My chest was sore and my arm was hurting, but that went away come 10pm. Being an addict, of course I did the second bag. It was different from the first. Less intense. I made it last longer - about seven or eight hours, and I was able to go to sleep about an hour after my last line. I woke up the next morning feeling okay, actually, just a bit weak, hungry, and tired.
For the last three days I have been walking around extremely lightheaded. My heart has been fluttering off and on. I'm cold, then hot, then cold, then hot again. I'm either excessively sleepy or wide awake. My body feels tired, my mind feels tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to feel good. I don't want to be addicted anymore. I feel like I could run out of my skin to escape this demon.
but no pressure, OD is great too!).
