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Spouse withdrawal from opiates blames me for addiction

Pbgj2001

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2017
Messages
5
Hi
I am new here, so I don't know where to put this question. My husband is quiting cold turkey from opiates, again. He has got to 30+ pills a day. He blames me for his addiction therefore everything I try to do or suggest or attempts he yells, screams, and degrades me. Yes, occasionally I will take a pill or two because I am truly in pain. His drs say he should be too but for some reason he really isn't (without pills even). Anyway it's gotten to the point where he HAS to quit. I understand he's not in his right mind and I need to take everything he says with a grain of salt. I'm trying to be numb to the insults, etc while trying to support this process.

He says he can't do this with me around due to his resentment towards me (we've been together for 23 years, he's 37 I'm 35).

His phone has rang at least 20 times this morning from people with pills. He hasn't answered... Yet. He won't give me his phone so I can shut down that avenue. He won't give me his debit card (he's the only one with access to the money, I'm not on any of the account and I'm a stay at home mom and since I don't have a 'job' I'm not allowed money.

That's a little backstory. How can I help him? I've got all the vitamins from the Thomas recipe, the bar of soap, etc... How do I emotional support this man who at the moment wants me to go kill myself. What can I do? Everything I say or suggest he starts a fight with. It's like everything I say or do is just more ammo for him to use to hurt me. I now my feelings don't matter right now and I'm fine with that, I want to help him but I truly have no idea how to do this. Any ideas? Thanks.
 
I see this is something couples often do but addicts do just as well. From my experience being an addicted to opiates it was always because of something else. First I blamed my parents, then the society in general - school, life. Everything and everyone but myself. It's not that we do this on purpose, it's because we really feel that way. But it's always our fault, regardless of so many bad things that went wrong in our lives. It takes times for one to realize that. We have the power of stay sober and life events may trigger our brain into areas that had only been assertive while on drugs.

From an addict's point of view, whatever causes pain and frustration have always been dealt with drugs, that's probably how most of us has gone into drugs. In order to alleviate the pain we think we can't handle. And by using opiates, for instance - all of this goes away and we keep doing it over and over again until we realize that we must be accounted for whatever it was that we couldn't cope with. So you being a spouse and having caused him a level of frustration he can't deal with, that triggers his mind to use it, and obviously that will be linked to you. Some say this is a condition and that we have to treat it. But, as I mentioned this can be potentiated by marriage itself as it's so common to blame the other for something we failed to accomplish. Either way you are off the hooks. It's not your fault.

It's a very tough situation you are dealing with and considering you've been together 23 years, marriage counseling has worked for me. Someone neutral hearing both of you allowing each other to hear yourselves. It can be really effective. At the same time he would need to quit doing opiates with some sort of help. He's on a difficult spot right now. I've been in a situation quite similar and it's not easy. We angry with those that are closer to us. So don't take it personal.

By the way, welcome to Bluelight. I hope you keep posting so that others can give their opinion and make you better.

Take care!
Erik
 
You are in a relationship with someone that is very controlling. Couples that agree to have one person stay home to be the main parent in child-raising also implicitly agree to share equitably the finances. If your kids are old enough I would suggest trying to get out of the house and find a part-time job. You do not deserve to be mistreated or verbally abused by someone no matter how bad that someone's situation may be.

I would suggest letting him know how sincere you are (and I can tell you are by your post) about wanting to support him but you need to also lay down some very self-protective boundaries. One is that his drug problem is his responsibility. Another is that blaming you is only hurting the relationship and that hurts his kids as well. There is a big difference between supporting someone and letting them become abusive.
 
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