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Help me guys and gals need guidance!!!

M

Midvalley

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 6, 2017
Messages
5
Hello all thanks for taking time to read my story here. Any and all feedback is really appreciated. I have been married for 18 years and have 3 wonderful children 10,15 and 16. From my 5th year to my 11th year I recently found out my wife had a 5 to 6 year affair with a guy. Talk about blindsided. Anyway I recently became attracted to another woman but I feel so guilty about it I stayed married after the affair for the kids 8 years not happy just going thru the motions. Since her affair I haven't been a model husband I've had 2 what I would call girl friends or friends with benefits and it never really effected me. This girl im talking to now is a lot more than that. She really means a lot to me . Anyway am I wrong in this situation what should I do here. I never cheated on my wife untill she did and I know that doesn't make it right but at the same time I really didn't care. Any guidance would be really appreciated.
 
Hey Midvalley, we can try to guide you. First off, I fully sympathize with you. I was married. Enough said. Since this is all harm reduction, I can't say what you did was correct, as in fwb, but I will say don't feel bad about it. There is no point to that.

Feel free to discuss this further. This unfortunately is a topic that too many people can relate to.

I will also give you props for doing right by your children.


Now usually there are two sides to every story. Stress, money issues, etc, can lead to issues like this. I cannot blanket statement anything. Have you considered seeing someone professional?
 
I have speed king but I've read where it just makes things worse . As if that can happen right lol. But thanks for the reply man appreciate it .
 
Hey, you asked. Not much is set in stone, but if it's too late, it's too late. I simply gave my opinion. I try to see any bit of hope for others. A rough time is a rough time.

Later today, you might get some more opinions.
 
Personally, I find it's the kids that usually end up suffering when you stay in a relationship because of them. They're not stupid. They know more than most parents give them credit for and hear more than you think. They can feel it in the air. 1. you're giving them guilt that they have no request for. 2. You're leading by example. Do you want them to be in healthy, happy relationships or do you want to pass off the thought that it's okay to cheat and be miserable in a relationship which lacks respect and love?

I know, that's kind of a simplistic break down of it all but that's what it's felt like and been for me. I was married for 14 years. My ex cheated on me but we struggled through. He had some health issues and needed looking after, we had some family problems and needed to be strong. At the end of the day, I realised that things were now stable and I was deeply unhappy. It wasn't a relationship, it was an agreement of convenience. It took a very long time for me to weigh it all up. It was the hardest decision I think I've ever made. I didn't do it for anyone else aside for myself, My ex and my kids. We all deserved better. I'm not going to lie, it hurt, it hurt like a bitch to walk away but in doing so everyone could start to heal. My ex is still on the mend, we all are. The kids are happier as am I. I'm in a healthy relationship and the kids have a stress free life. No more arguments, no more pretense. An honest, forthcoming and happy home. They no longer have to pretend at happy families just to make their parents feel better when the whole reason for that was that we, as parents were pretending at happy families to make them feel better. It fooled no one and taught my kids that this is how a relationship works. It isn't.

I'm afraid no one can give you any answers. You must seek them out yourself and do what's right by you, your ex and your children. Mostly your children. Give them more credit for seeing through the facade. Sadly, they're not babies anymore and are more aware than you think.

Even if it's something as simple as holding hands with your partner or a kiss on the neck, sharing house hold chores or taking time out of your day to go with your partner to a doctors appointment your kids will see what a loving relationship looks like. You can only hope that they don't mistake a healthy relationship with is what essentially is lip service. Everyone loses in that scenario.

Best of luck with this problem. It's a bastard of a situation to find yourself in and I wish you all the very best for you, your kids, your current love and your ex. It's a mountain but I'm sure you'll conquer. xxx
 
I agree with Sadie, staying together 'for the kids' does more harm then good, most of the time. Take a real good look at your relationship with your wife, then ask yourself "Is this how I want to see my kids relationships when they are adults?" The most important part of that is that as parents we lead and teach by example, and our kids know more than we think. If you think that you and your wife are teaching your children to have good healthy relationships by the example your setting, then power on; stay together for their sake. However, it is much more likely that they know that you don't respect your wife, or the marriage vows so that is what they will learn. I personally feel this does NO child favors. It is much better for parents to teach their children how to respectful relationships with someone they care about, rather than showing them that marriage is something you are trapped in, no matter how unhealthy, uncaring, or disrespectful it might be.

Best of luck, especially setting healthy examples to the next generation learning directly from you!
 
The whole "do it for the kids" thing is total BS. Ask anyone who's been through it and they'll tell you this. The kids aren't dumb. Once it's been done, treat the kids with respect and communicate with them. Apologize and show them you're sorry by how you treat them. I wasted many good years for both me and my ex-wife before "coming clean." Man, if only I could go back, but I can't. Two wrongs don't make a right.
 
I am going through a similar situation and like you, staying for the kids. Nobody can ever tell you what is best for your kids/family. As parents we make mistakes. Granted it's not ideal to stay in a volatile marriage because of the kids. Put on your best poker face and pretend that all is good. Keep them out of EVERYTHING.
I had alot of meaningless hookups and also one that was much more. It lasted several years. From my past experience it made the situation 1,000 times worse. I was juggling 2 different worlds. I was lying constantly, making all these promises and never keeping them. The newness and fun of it wears off and you are just adding another problem to all your other problems. I'm guessing the girl you are getting feelings for understands that your married and its a no strings attached deal? As time goes by that all changes. At least for me it did. He wanted more and more also for me to leave my husband and be with him. It was a disaster. When you put yourself into a situation like this everyone involved ends up hurt. The guilt becomes intolerable. I think for married people that cheat, more often than not there is a pretty good reason for it. So don't feel guilty. Just think long and hard before getting involved with someone else. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
 
I think it is healthier to separate and be there for your children than stay together and waste your life away in an unhappy marriage. From experience as a child, it hurt and fucked me up that my dad left, but.... 1-I think it's because of how he handled it (burry his head in the sand) 2-I think it would have been worse if he'd stayed... now that I look at it from an adult point of view.

The main question here is not the children, it's whether you think your marriage deserve to be saved or not, and you will only answer this question by communicating with your wife.

New relationships are always thrilling and exciting but with time, the passion wears off. Is it worth throwing away everything you have built together? Are you prepared to rebuilt a relationship from scratch with all the baggage?

There is no wrong or right answer. The decision should not be made based on the kids, not based on your relationship with this other woman, but based on your relationship with your wife. Talk to her. Communicate and decide together whether you can make it work or not. If not.... communicate together clearly with your children. They need to hear the same story from both of you and feel free to ask any question they feel the need to ask.

Good luck x
 
Well, all I can say is what I would do if I were you.
First if I found out my wife cheated on me I would break up instantly.
Second, if you are thinking about having a relationship with another woman that's even more reason to break up. If she finds out and get a divourse with you being the cheater she will take a shit ton of money from you, according to the laws of the state you are in.
As for the kids, they will survive your divourse.
 
bomber said:
Well, all I can say is what I would do if I were you.
First if I found out my wife cheated on me I would break up instantly.
Second, if you are thinking about having a relationship with another woman that's even more reason to break up. If she finds out and get a divourse with you being the cheater she will take a shit ton of money from you, according to the laws of the state you are in.
As for the kids, they will survive your divourse.
Click to expand...

Are you married??

It's interesting because before I was in a relationship, I would have been the first one to say that if my bf/husband cheated on me, that was it. End of story!

I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 9... and if he cheated on me, I would be absolutely devastated. But.... I would have to consider whether his mistake would be worth throwing everything I have worked for in the last 14 years out of the window. Would I really be prepared to rebuilt from scratch with someone else? Someone with baggages? Or would it be better to try and mend my marriage?

The other thing is, if you are happy in your marriage, you will not look somewhere else. You just don't see other men/women in that way. If you cheat on your partner/spouse, it is because inherently you are not happy in the relationship. Communication is often the key, lack of communication break people appart....
 
^No I ain't maried, and I don't think I will ever be. I don't think there realy is a point in getting maried. I mean, maybe one day I will find a girl I wanna spend my life with, but why would I want to put the state between me and her? Because the way I see it mariage is just making the state witness your relationship and even put it's own rulls in it.
 
bomber said:
^No I ain't maried, and I don't think I will ever be. I don't think there realy is a point in getting maried. I mean, maybe one day I will find a girl I wanna spend my life with, but why would I want to put the state between me and her? Because the way I see it mariage is just making the state witness your relationship and even put it's own rulls in it.
Click to expand...

In my opinion, it's not really about the state nor the church nor anybody else really. It's not either about the rules or the security... It's about the commitment.

One day you decide that you are making a commitment to this person for the rest of your life. You commit to stick with that person through thick and thin, through the ups and the downs.

I think more and more people get into a relationship and after a few years they have children. That is the biggest commitment you can make to a person, because even if you don't stay together, you will always be bound by the children.

When you decide to get married, it forces you to put the person in question, the relationship in question and think about your future together and whether you do share the same values, same views, same goals.... and whether you could imagine spending the rest of your life with that person.

When you have made that commitment, you need to stick by it. Life is a pretty long road and marriage is really hard work because when things go wrong (which they always do at some point) it takes a lot of work and commitment to make them right again. Go through the ups and downs is difficult but so rewarding when you get passed it and look back on what you have achieved and on how stronger your relationship is. I think people give up on their relationship too easily these days... But that's just me :).
 
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