desperatedesperado
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2017
- Messages
- 5
First time posting on Bluelight but hopefully not my last
Long story short: I am a 19 y/o male who has developed lasting anxiety from psychedelics followed by depression/anxiety from MDMA and needs some help getting out of my current mental state
My apologies in advance for including some introspection in the story that follows but thought it might shed some light on my situation
Two years ago, I was a young cocky smart-ass—one who had been relatively sad and depressed (occasional thoughts of self-harm) before but in retrospect chalked it up to seasonal affective disorder and making it through a bad high school experience—who the spring before college discovered weed, soon followed by psychedelics. That summer I started with 3.5g of shrooms, followed by 4 occasions of LSD. I had some bad trips, but dismissed these as bad set and setting and with each following trip tried to restore things to a good note.
That fall, I went to college and pledged a fraternity (something I certainly hadn't thought much about beforehand and was not expecting), an experience that unbeknownst to me at the time put him at high pressure to be a cooler version of himself. I didn't quite realize it but he wasn't all that happy and felt like an imposter, and so me being the idiot I was, one weekend decided to do some drugs to gain some clarity on the matter.
This is where I first went truly wrong.
One weekend night, I did what was likely a gram of shrooms with plans to hang out with my dorm neighbors and fellow psychonauts, but while I was coming up his dumb altered mind reasoned, "Drugs make me happy, I have the strength of mind to handle anything, either I will emerge from this trip sadder or happier and will only be happier if I go all in, so why does it matter how sad I am in the other scenario." I downed a nibble, then two full weed brownies, then out of fear added two tabs of 1P-LSD to the mix. I know: I am an idiot.
What followed was the worst experience of my life: an unspeakably horrible state of compounded fear and sadness in which I could not begin to form rational thoughts or even see anything in the darkness that was my unilluminated dorm room at night. I can't fully recall how I felt in that moment, but all I could even make sense of was that my tongue felt like it was going down my throat and that I should try to stop himself from choking. Maybe 12 hours later, I gained enough rationality to make his way to my neighbors' door, knock, say "drugs" with a haunted look, and lie on their bed for the next day while I picked up the pieces of my shattered mind.
After another day or two, I began to feel like he had recovered and continued about his daily life. What I did not realize is that now I, who had once been a cocky bastard who thought he was smarter than everyone else, suffered from unbelievably intense social anxiety and a conviction that there was something wrong with him. I am not sure when it came into full force since I did not realize at the time my personality had changed from before the traumatic experience, but I became intensely uncomfortable in social interactions and alienated many people that winter. I eventually began to realize how felt and suspected I had developed PTSD from that night, but did not know how to improve. I tripped again at the end of winter with a friend, but felt some strong sense of anxiety and sadness the whole time I felt the need to mask by fighting the need to frown.
I got a second lease on life at the beginning of his spring, when I and another friend did 150mg of MDMA (I do not have a scale or test kit, but a friend of his friend I trust to find good stuff ordered it off the deep web and has one). After his roll, my social anxiety diminished to roughly half the intensity -- still too bad to normally interact with anyone but my best friends, but no longer at the same catastrophic level.
I thought I had found a miracle drug. Five months later, I did it again and had similar results. That fall, I developed a mild dependence on amphetamines because of an intense workload to the point where while on amphetamines I experienced nonstop suicidal ideation, but over 10 weeks after the second roll, I did it again and was the happiest and anxiety-free I had ever been.
Each time I rolled, I drank roughly 1-2 bottles of water/hour and supplemented with more or less the regimen prescribed on RollSafe dot org; I skipped the doses during the actual experience, but drank plenty of Grapefruit and Orange Juice and took ALCAR, Na-R-Ala, Magnesium Oxide, Vitamin C, Grape Seed Extract, CoQ10, and each night starting the night after ECGC and 5-HTP.
In the afterglow that followed my third roll, I kept taking 5-HTP intermittently, until maybe four weeks down the line I took it several nights in a row then twice one day thinking I was expediting his recovery only to feel mentally unwell and confused. I hypothesized this was serotonin syndrome, and it became better after 3-4 days.
Then the second tragedy happened: one night ~8 weeks after his third roll, I had a beer and felt kind of funny, then woke up the next morning feeling very off. As the week went on, I realized I could barely feel any happiness, emotions, or empathy at all. I thought it might be a temporary a brain chemistry rebalancing that would wear off, but it continued for months. I abstained from all substances save for the occasional smoke or drink, and as spring came I optimistically thought it might be getting better, so to continue my recovery from anxiety I rolled again. BIG MISTAKE. After a minor reduction in anxiety and a fine afterglow, I became even more depressed and arguably barely a functional person anymore. I spent the spring, and now summer, throwing himself into my work, but there I has problems too.
It has been 4 months since I last rolled and I can barely think as well as he used to or feel much of anything. My happiness and empathy are gone, my social anxiety still present, my thinking and memory shot, my ability to speak well diminished, and my life just about ruined. I have lost most of my friends and, not really feeling any emotion, I feel more like an empty shell than a person. I need help.
Will I ever feel better? What is the science behind what is happening in my brain? I theorize a significant portion of my serotonin receptors have shut down, but I would love guidance or citations on this. Are there supplements I can take to feel better? Please help, and thank you.
Long story short: I am a 19 y/o male who has developed lasting anxiety from psychedelics followed by depression/anxiety from MDMA and needs some help getting out of my current mental state
My apologies in advance for including some introspection in the story that follows but thought it might shed some light on my situation
Two years ago, I was a young cocky smart-ass—one who had been relatively sad and depressed (occasional thoughts of self-harm) before but in retrospect chalked it up to seasonal affective disorder and making it through a bad high school experience—who the spring before college discovered weed, soon followed by psychedelics. That summer I started with 3.5g of shrooms, followed by 4 occasions of LSD. I had some bad trips, but dismissed these as bad set and setting and with each following trip tried to restore things to a good note.
That fall, I went to college and pledged a fraternity (something I certainly hadn't thought much about beforehand and was not expecting), an experience that unbeknownst to me at the time put him at high pressure to be a cooler version of himself. I didn't quite realize it but he wasn't all that happy and felt like an imposter, and so me being the idiot I was, one weekend decided to do some drugs to gain some clarity on the matter.
This is where I first went truly wrong.
One weekend night, I did what was likely a gram of shrooms with plans to hang out with my dorm neighbors and fellow psychonauts, but while I was coming up his dumb altered mind reasoned, "Drugs make me happy, I have the strength of mind to handle anything, either I will emerge from this trip sadder or happier and will only be happier if I go all in, so why does it matter how sad I am in the other scenario." I downed a nibble, then two full weed brownies, then out of fear added two tabs of 1P-LSD to the mix. I know: I am an idiot.
What followed was the worst experience of my life: an unspeakably horrible state of compounded fear and sadness in which I could not begin to form rational thoughts or even see anything in the darkness that was my unilluminated dorm room at night. I can't fully recall how I felt in that moment, but all I could even make sense of was that my tongue felt like it was going down my throat and that I should try to stop himself from choking. Maybe 12 hours later, I gained enough rationality to make his way to my neighbors' door, knock, say "drugs" with a haunted look, and lie on their bed for the next day while I picked up the pieces of my shattered mind.
After another day or two, I began to feel like he had recovered and continued about his daily life. What I did not realize is that now I, who had once been a cocky bastard who thought he was smarter than everyone else, suffered from unbelievably intense social anxiety and a conviction that there was something wrong with him. I am not sure when it came into full force since I did not realize at the time my personality had changed from before the traumatic experience, but I became intensely uncomfortable in social interactions and alienated many people that winter. I eventually began to realize how felt and suspected I had developed PTSD from that night, but did not know how to improve. I tripped again at the end of winter with a friend, but felt some strong sense of anxiety and sadness the whole time I felt the need to mask by fighting the need to frown.
I got a second lease on life at the beginning of his spring, when I and another friend did 150mg of MDMA (I do not have a scale or test kit, but a friend of his friend I trust to find good stuff ordered it off the deep web and has one). After his roll, my social anxiety diminished to roughly half the intensity -- still too bad to normally interact with anyone but my best friends, but no longer at the same catastrophic level.
I thought I had found a miracle drug. Five months later, I did it again and had similar results. That fall, I developed a mild dependence on amphetamines because of an intense workload to the point where while on amphetamines I experienced nonstop suicidal ideation, but over 10 weeks after the second roll, I did it again and was the happiest and anxiety-free I had ever been.
Each time I rolled, I drank roughly 1-2 bottles of water/hour and supplemented with more or less the regimen prescribed on RollSafe dot org; I skipped the doses during the actual experience, but drank plenty of Grapefruit and Orange Juice and took ALCAR, Na-R-Ala, Magnesium Oxide, Vitamin C, Grape Seed Extract, CoQ10, and each night starting the night after ECGC and 5-HTP.
In the afterglow that followed my third roll, I kept taking 5-HTP intermittently, until maybe four weeks down the line I took it several nights in a row then twice one day thinking I was expediting his recovery only to feel mentally unwell and confused. I hypothesized this was serotonin syndrome, and it became better after 3-4 days.
Then the second tragedy happened: one night ~8 weeks after his third roll, I had a beer and felt kind of funny, then woke up the next morning feeling very off. As the week went on, I realized I could barely feel any happiness, emotions, or empathy at all. I thought it might be a temporary a brain chemistry rebalancing that would wear off, but it continued for months. I abstained from all substances save for the occasional smoke or drink, and as spring came I optimistically thought it might be getting better, so to continue my recovery from anxiety I rolled again. BIG MISTAKE. After a minor reduction in anxiety and a fine afterglow, I became even more depressed and arguably barely a functional person anymore. I spent the spring, and now summer, throwing himself into my work, but there I has problems too.
It has been 4 months since I last rolled and I can barely think as well as he used to or feel much of anything. My happiness and empathy are gone, my social anxiety still present, my thinking and memory shot, my ability to speak well diminished, and my life just about ruined. I have lost most of my friends and, not really feeling any emotion, I feel more like an empty shell than a person. I need help.
Will I ever feel better? What is the science behind what is happening in my brain? I theorize a significant portion of my serotonin receptors have shut down, but I would love guidance or citations on this. Are there supplements I can take to feel better? Please help, and thank you.
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