• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

August Getting Staying Clean and Sober Thread vs Light in August

I had a stark realization this morning that I have been trying extremely hard to maintain control in a helpless situation. My life has changed dramatically in a short amount of time, and it had started feeling like I had no "me" time, so I tried to carve a little bit of that out in whatever way I knew how. I had noticed the helplessness and anxiety for a while, but it just occurred to me what I was doing to try to help myself. It's relieving to recognize that there's a logical answer for what life has felt like recently, and one that is free of shame and self-flagellation is a-okay with me.

I'm a bit scattered from lack of sleep. Maybe this will help and maybe it will be meaningless to help you. I used to put in for every early retirement offer where I worked. I had a serious case of "the grass is greener" thinking. But once again cosmic conscious Katie knew what was best for me. I was turned down for every one. Looking back, I would have never been able to survive because the % of my pension paid would have been way too low. So another thing I wanted that made me so mad when it was denied. My friend jokingly said "When you walked out of that meeting to discuss your early out you literally looked like you were ready to kill someone". I would have never been able to live vey well off that reduced pension, Now that I am retired, I have plenty of "me" time. I know if many that read this they will think what I'm about to say is ridiculous and hobbies will be mentioned. Having too much free time on your hands is stressful in it's own way, but me time is still something I like very much. Do your best to stay out of your head. Ironically this is coming from me, someone that has a hard time staying out of my head. I think mastrubation is just part of a being a guy. Don't obsess over it, it's pretty normal IMHO. When it crosses the line to porn addiction, then i believe it starts to rewire your brain in a not so great way.

Maybe I can coax a laugh out of someone, Around age 12 I started to lock myself in the bathroom and take a vibrator to my minimeat out of pure instinct. When said device was in contact with minimeat, thoughts of girls from school, especially the ones that used to intentionally shoot beavers (sorry you guys had to miss the golden age of min-skirts) started to run thru my head. Mind you I had no idea what I was doing but liked the way it felt. One of my idiot 13 year old friends said your dick would have what he described as "a nervous breakdown" lol. I had my nervous breakdown and a tiny drop of something glistening and gooey came out. Anyway I'm circumcised and the area just below the head where the incision was made i guess, swelled up to alarming proportions. I gathered up the courage to show my mother. lol. She tried not to laugh or embarrass me but took me to the family doctor. He said as tactfully as possible "Did you place the vibrator where this swelling is (I dubbed them elephant ears for no particular reason) I said yes and nothing further was made out of it. I forget most of this 1968 conversation exactly nowadays. He said the swelling would go down which it did. Is this a boring story to y'all? The kind I should refrain from boring you with?
 
I'm a bit scattered from lack of sleep. Maybe this will help and maybe it will be meaningless to help you. I used to put in for every early retirement offer where I worked. I had a serious case of "the grass is greener" thinking. But once again cosmic conscious Katie knew what was best for me. I was turned down for every one. Looking back, I would have never been able to survive because the % of my pension paid would have been way too low. So another thing I wanted that made me so mad when it was denied. My friend jokingly said "When you walked out of that meeting to discuss your early out you literally looked like you were ready to kill someone". I would have never been able to live vey well off that reduced pension, Now that I am retired, I have plenty of "me" time. I know if many that read this they will think what I'm about to say is ridiculous and hobbies will be mentioned. Having too much free time on your hands is stressful in it's own way, but me time is still something I like very much. Do your best to stay out of your head. Ironically this is coming from me, someone that has a hard time staying out of my head. I think mastrubation is just part of a being a guy. Don't obsess over it, it's pretty normal IMHO. When it crosses the line to porn addiction, then i believe it starts to rewire your brain in a not so great way.

Thanks for sharing. I'm not sure if I totally follow what you're saying. It sounds like you were willfully trying to retire early, but found that the universe had something else in store. Now that you've followed the path that was granted and not the one you chose, you've been allowed plenty of time to do what you please. I can get on board with that. Sometimes it seems like it takes forever for the universe to show me what the hell is going on, and it's then that I suffer and feel like I'm flailing around in life. Those moments of clarity, peace, connection, as magical as they are, sometimes can't come soon enough, damnit! Serenity now!

I had an interesting experience the past few days. I was talking to a friend on Monday night about an unhealthy dating relationship I had formed with a man last year. I was willing to severely overlook the negative traits this person displayed because what I deemed my most important needs (intimacy, attention, affection) were being met. That relationship represented my codependent behavior if it were on steroids, and it was something I had internalized and felt remorse and shame about all this time. Looking back, it's just one "what the fuck" after another thinking about what happened in the time we were together. I hadn't really talked in depth about this to anyone before Monday, and then last night, I run into this guy walking around the lake! It felt like some cosmic way of showing me that every awful thing I told myself about our relationship could be let go of, and I can move on without that burden.
 
^I like to think of my sexual relationships as everything from crash courses to dedicated years of study with the ultimate field of study being myself. No matter how crazy or unbalanced the relationship was, I was getting something out of it and that something was not always good. But that's where the true learning came in and slowly but surely my relationship with myself became stronger. The less I needed from other people the better the relationships got. I don't regret any of them--they were all helpful in their own way.
 
Hanging in there today.. day 3 of my suboxone taper from dope. I ran out of the suboxone this morning and I will be running out of weed this evening so it looks like I will be stopping both tomorrow as the real fun begins. I know there are going to be tough days ahead but I'm just trying to chill out and trust the process. The brain and body will heal. I have been dealing with lots of meloncholly and low level anxieties today. I almost can't even exactly identify the feeling just an over all unease and disappointment with myself. It was triggered by a facebook post from a girl I was dating. I know that ruminating on such thoughts is counterproductive and everything takes time. I can't get to where I want to be in one night. It is going to take work, dedication and persistence on my part. Every journey begins with just one step and great rewards await those who stay the course:)....
 
I hope things turn out as good as you are wishing for. It seems you are in charge, but wouldn't it be interesting to have a backup plan?
Just in case..
Best of luck!
 
I hope things turn out as good as you are wishing for. It seems you are in charge, but wouldn't it be interesting to have a backup plan?
Just in case..
Best of luck!

What was the backup plan in reference to stopping the suboxone or the girl? If you meant the girl than I am no longer seeing her nor do I hold any illusions as to the idea that that would change. I am doing this for myself as a pride issue because in truth I truly do respect the girl and I would hate to see her see me like this. Learning to love myself and stand on my own is one of my points of attention though. I think tomorrow is a good day to stop the subs because I just want to get this healing process started. Open to the idea of getting one more 8mg strip if I feel horrible. Also open to the idea of getting a few days more weed. Just ready to start taking real steps to getting my life normalized.
 
I'm glad you are feeling like that. It really seems like you know what you are doing.
I wish you well.
Erik
 
Yesterday showed me clearly how much better i am when i'm clear minded. I was coming home from working out and came across a fresh accident. I stopped and helped the injured. Had i been all messed up I would have just drove by. I hope they made it and recover well and quickly.
 
Good that things turned out okay. I was once involved in a situation like that and I was linked into a trial case for almost two years. I did the right thing but I didn't expect to be enrolled as a witness in such a long process. I would still do it again if I had to.
 
That's great NSA! Sometimes I feel it sounds as if it was easy, but it is and have always been pretty tough actually. At least for me.
Congratulations man, you deserve it! %)

Strange how some of us can quit opiates, heroin, meth - and so on and so forth, but with nicotine is a totally different game. We need to beat something we have done spontaneously for our entire life, every hour of the day. My hats off to you! :)
 
I was doing better before I started using my prescribed kolonopin Again. It really does trigger cravings and makes me have mood swings or it simply makes my natural mood swings worse. I think I may have bi polar disorder with very subtle manic periods and very deep depressive periods. I don't know if that's possible but it does describe my behavior.
 
I was doing better before I started using my prescribed kolonopin Again. It really does trigger cravings and makes me have mood swings or it simply makes my natural mood swings worse. I think I may have bi polar disorder with very subtle manic periods and very deep depressive periods. I don't know if that's possible but it does describe my behavior.

You should probably avoid all forms of benzos (rx'd or otherwise).

I'm glad you're beginning to have a better understanding of its effects on you. Hang in there. <3
 
I was doing better before I started using my prescribed kolonopin Again. It really does trigger cravings and makes me have mood swings or it simply makes my natural mood swings worse. I think I may have bi polar disorder with very subtle manic periods and very deep depressive periods. I don't know if that's possible but it does describe my behavior.

That's interesting about the possibility of bipolar in your diagnosis. After bunches of diagnoses in various directions, I've come to believe that bipolarity really does exist on a spectrum. Some people have a strong helping of it (and tend to get labeled Bipolar 1). But I think that many of us have it to a lesser extent. That can be an uncomfortable spot to be in. Best luck, man.
 
benzos make me depressed. After being on them for years I finally realized how incredibly moody they made me. Def. one drug I am glad to be off of. They made my anxiety worse also.

Well day one completely opiate free.. Looks like it is going to rain in lovely Orlando Fl... just going to sit back and enjoy.
 
Looks like it is going to rain in lovely Orlando Fl... just going to sit back and enjoy.
Yep. Was out with the dog earlier and it was pleasantly overcast and didn't feel like the inside of an oven. And I appreciate that my central AC isn't running continuously like it does on those brutal days when it doesn't rain.

Stumbled across this. Amazing I never saw it sooner with all the years I've wasted in front of the television:
 
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Yep. Was out with the dog earlier and it was pleasantly overcast and didn't feel like the inside of an oven. And I appreciate that my central AC isn't running continuously like it does on those brutal days when it doesn't rain.

Stumbled across this. Amazing I never saw it sooner with all the years I've wasted in front of the television:


I LOVE that episode of king of the hill!
 
I'm visiting my parents atm. great spiritual practice.. I recognize a lot of patterns also in myself, it's a little bit exhausting but I can swim in the sea :D
 
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