My partner is addicted and I'm not. What do I do?

[Pagey]

Hiya,

Apologies if this is the wrong forum; I wasn't sure whether this belonged here or SLR. I haven't visited Bluelight in quite a while, but recently I've been having a drug-related problem I have no idea how to deal with, and I don't know where else to turn.

My husband and I met through this website and definitely fed our own addictions for quite a while. We supported each other and encouraged each other through a lot of reckless drug use, resulting many times in hospitalisation. In November 2015, I OD'ed on heroin (and benzos and alcohol) and suffered rhabdomyolysis to my leg, which led to kidney failure, sepsis and 4 strokes (I was 20 years old). Following this, it goes without saying I never felt the same about drugs. I had to defer my Master's program and work in a local fast food chain for a while. We used legal highs a few times following my accident, but finally, after using them for the last time about 4-5 months ago, about the time I was finally finishing my deferred Master's and finding the job I'd always wanted, I decided they were ruining my life and swore never to touch illegal drugs again. This is in no way a reflection on people who do. I just came to realise they were ruining my life, and if I wanted to attain my own happiness, I had to stop using.

Anyway, I've also been doing a lot better alcohol-wise. This is not at all to say that I don't drink, or that I drink as little as I'd like to do - I still drink a lot. But a lot less than I used to and definitely, I believe, in a manner that's not affecting my day-to-day life. This being said, following the stroke I was on high doses of Lyrica (pregabalin) and Tramadol daily and have only recently come off these - I had occasional lorazepam precriptions as well, though my husband has been known to steal all of these sometimes.

For about the 6th time this year I've come home to find him passed out drunk, belligerent, yelling at me, insulting me, berating me and finding excuses for his drinking. It's relentless. I am trying so hard to understand what's going on with him but I feel like there comes a point where I need to put my mental health ahead. We're visiting my family abroad atm, and today I came back to my parents place, with my (extremely, extremely ill) brother to find him passed out drunk on the sofa, and I feel like this is beyond disrespectful and not something I want to deal with.
For me currently, a minimum level of sobriety is really essential and I don't feel like I can be around someone so intent on destroying their own life - when I've been there before and it almost killed me and ruined everything I had.

I feel like I should leave him, for my own sake, yet ofc I know I still want to be with him. I don't know what to trust. How long should you stay with someone poisonous before deciding you're worth more?

 

[herbavore]

Pagey, I am really happy to hear that you have not only recovered so well from the strokes but completed your masters and are moving on towards your goals. Your husband is locked in active addiction right now and you do have a choice to make as to how you will respond. Fortunately for you, you understand a quite a bit about addiction so you are not going into this clueless. Have you tried telling him the extent that this is threatening your marriage? I don't mean occasions where that may have come out angrily in an heat of the moment argument, but calmly and at a time when he is not drunk.

I think the bottom line for anyone in a relationship of any kind with a person in active addiction is to be encouraging and supportive while setting his or her own boundaries. If that boundary is "I cannot live with you if you cannot stop drinking/getting high" then that is your boundary. The resentment that builds up from unclear communication is never good for anyone. I know that you know all the ways addiction can take over a person's thinking and cloud their judgment. So, keeping that in mind, it is important to look for ways that cut through those ironclad defenses. But sometimes there is literally nothing that any person on the outside can say or do to change the trajectory. Then the most important thing is to remove yourself from the chaos and try to be the best support you can from the outside.

I think only you can really know what is best for you and your husband in this situation. Does he have family that he is close to? If alcohol brings out the worst in him (aggression, bullying) then perhaps he might be reached by those who love him getting together and letting him know how much it is damaging all his relationships.

It is not really a matter of you being worth more or less IMO. We are all worthy of the best life has to offer but we usually get tripped up by our own minds. Your husband and you are both good people and you have both been down the tantalizing rabbit hole of substance abuse. His behavior may be poisoning your life at this time but he himself is not poisonous and that is an important distinction for you to make. Hate the addiction, not the addict. I know how hard it is to do when the addiction is making your life miserable but it will serve you best in the end--whether you leave or stay--to retain your own humanity and empathy for what your husband is trapped by atm.

I'm sorry to hear that your brother is so ill. Is it life-threatening?

 

[nann]

Your post resonated with me. I have a child w a severely reckless alcoholic. We met in college and used to drink disgusting amounts of alcohol together...I pulled myself together for my child's sake, he did not and now has broken the heart of an innocent kid who can obviously not understand the situation. In the meantime, the distruction that this has caused in my daily life has caused me to start drinking more and more...which is of course not beneficial. I thought my heavy drinking days were behind me, but I'm not so sure now. I'm so bitter because I don't feel like I have caused this situation. my child's other parent did....that's who I want to hold the blame...I'm smart enough to know that I'm making the decisions for my own life though. Realistically though, his shitty behavior has been my trigger...over and over and over again. My point is, get out before someone else's decisions potentially ruin you. If he isn't choosing to be a decent person now, it's because he doesn't care enough to do so. That's my opinion. People act on what they care about. His focus is not on being decent right now. If yours is, then run with it. We only get one life, don't waste it.

 

[DoctorMolecule]

My wife told me 'it's me or the drugs, I'm not gonna watch you die' that woke my ass up and I cleaned up. I had a few relapses but was honest about them and she's been super supportive