Letting Heroin Take the Wheel

[LesFleursDuMal]

I'm a long-time Bluelight member but this is the first post I've made in a while. I'm to the point where I have to reach out my family here for advice, support, or any words of encouragement it can offer.

First off, I am an IV opioid user - black tar heroin is my drug of choice. Opioids have been my favorite type of drug, and main drug of abuse, for 10 years. My habit shooting heroin has objectively been negative since I began - I've tried to quit several times and relapsed every time (even with the support of suboxone and group therapy), I have gotten abscesses that put my life at risk, and i have been pretty much jobless the past year. My family has given up on me and supporting me, and while understandable, hurts all the same.

if I continue down the path I am on, injecting sometimes half a gram in a day, I WILL end up homeless, or worse. There appears to be no light at the end of this and I have to find a job within a month or else I won't make my rent, and most importantly, I need to clean up. I have never used this much each day so coming off of it this time will be harder, but nothing I cant handle. I just need people to show their support while I go through this. I thought I had someone to look to, but they are ghosting even though they had said they would take a bullet for me, and were so glad to have me in their life now. But that's how things go sometimes.

I can do this. pray for me, that is, if you believe in prayer.

thanks and much love,
xox

 

[herbavore]

I will send positive thoughts and prayers your way, Fleurs. It is a terrible feeling to be enslaved by an obsession, I know. In this case a drug but if you break it down and tease apart the physical and mental, the physical is temporary and may not be fun but is certainly bearable. It's the psychological torment that holds on so hard. That is why you need support of some kind. I'm glad you are going to use Bluelight for that but what else can you line up for yourself?

Your family probably hasn't given up on you, they just know they can't really do anything from the outside. And the truth is that supporting you in this case would be enabling because where you find yourself now (jobless) is in fact motivating you to change. I know what it is like to be on the "family" side of addiction--it is confusing and I made a lot of mistakes but in the end the best thing you can do from either side is to continue to communicate without anger and judgment. I hope your family and you can come back together.

Feel free to PM me any time if it would help. I'm here.

 

[Grandad46]

Your pretty damn tough. If you think about it, you've been thru a lot and your still alive. A lot of people would have cashed it up n by now.[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Don't know your age, but you hang in there.[/FONT]

 

[d3athadone]

Hey bro you can do it!! I'm psoitive you can detox if thats what you want to do! Its true its nohting you cant handle. I dunno about getting a job and shit tho? Sounds hard as fuck to detox and then get a job. Possible tho. Gotta start with the detox tho man and then maybe your fam will help you or something when they see you trying.

I like your name. The flowers of evil. Crazy book!

 

[Erikmen]

I'm a long-time Bluelight member but this is the first post I've made in a while. I'm to the point where I have to reach out my family here for advice, support, or any words of encouragement it can offer.

First off, I am an IV opioid user - black tar heroin is my drug of choice. Opioids have been my favorite type of drug, and main drug of abuse, for 10 years. My habit shooting heroin has objectively been negative since I began - I've tried to quit several times and relapsed every time (even with the support of suboxone and group therapy), I have gotten abscesses that put my life at risk, and i have been pretty much jobless the past year. My family has given up on me and supporting me, and while understandable, hurts all the same.

if I continue down the path I am on, injecting sometimes half a gram in a day, I WILL end up homeless, or worse. There appears to be no light at the end of this and I have to find a job within a month or else I won't make my rent, and most importantly, I need to clean up. I have never used this much each day so coming off of it this time will be harder, but nothing I cant handle. I just need people to show their support while I go through this. I thought I had someone to look to, but they are ghosting even though they had said they would take a bullet for me, and were so glad to have me in their life now. But that's how things go sometimes.

I can do this. pray for me, that is, if you believe in prayer.

thanks and much love,
xox

I'm so sorry to hear you are in such an awful/tricky situation. You've gotten what it takes to quit, thing is how to remain sober right? I've used opiates for most of my life, and somehow managed to quit after relapsing many times throughout many years. And like you I've lost plenty of money, lost my friends and pushed away all of those who loved me. I know it's hard to believe in someone who says I know what you've been through, but I sort of do. In some ways. I had this compulsive addiction and at some point I knew that every time I'd shoot all of those ampules all together I'd certainly be in trouble. It was just a matter of time. And time was not playing along with me so I ended up having an OD which only made my life worse. Worst than ever. Somehow it started affecting my health and my behavior.

I know you know all of this by heart and have experienced all types of bad situations. So I won't tell you that you can do this, I think the fear of the fear beats the withdrawals but worst, the life after quitting which is quite challenge full. But indeed possible. You "just" have to find it in you. It's there somewhere. If you had seem me before quitting you wouldn't believe I did it. But respectfully I will send you my positive thoughts, my prayers. I trust that helps. So you pray as well.

I really hope you can get out of this somehow. Think big, but take small steps. Baby little steps towards something you'd think it's best for you. You must be tired of hearing this but please come back and keep posting. We'll try to figure out something. Or perhaps only talk.

Once again, I'm sending my prayers to you, my positive thoughts can be really good. I truly hope the best of luck to you!

 

[somnilicious]

I'm so sorry to hear you are in such an awful/tricky situation. You've gotten what it takes to quit, thing is how to remain sober right? I've used opiates for most of my life, and somehow managed to quit after relapsing many times throughout many years. And like you I've lost plenty of money, lost my friends and pushed away all of those who loved me. I know it's hard to believe in someone who says I know what you've been through, but I sort of do. In some ways. I had this compulsive addiction and at some point I knew that every time I'd shoot all of those ampules all together I'd certainly be in trouble. It was just a matter of time. And time was not playing along with me so I ended up having an OD which only made my life worse. Worst than ever. Somehow it started affecting my health and my behavior.

I know you know all of this by heart and have experienced all types of bad situations. So I won't tell you that you can do this, I think the fear of the fear beats the withdrawals but worst, the life after quitting which is quite challenge full. But indeed possible. You "just" have to find it in you. It's there somewhere. If you had seem me before quitting you wouldn't believe I did it. But respectfully I will send you my positive thoughts, my prayers. I trust that helps. So you pray as well.

I really hope you can get out of this somehow. Think big, but take small steps. Baby little steps towards something you'd think it's best for you. You must be tired of hearing this but please come back and keep posting. We'll try to figure out something. Or perhaps only talk.

Once again, I'm sending my prayers to you, my positive thoughts can be really good. I truly hope the best of luck to you!

Thanks for posting that... I am currently taking this to heart in yet another attempt at sobriety..

 

[herbavore]

Hey Fleur, I hope you are doing OK.

 

[LesFleursDuMal]

Hi everyone! It's a wonderful experience returning to our little corner of the web again, but this time without any of the hopelessness I was feeling the day that I wrote the original post. ThanK you to all of you who showed your support during a dark time in my life.

I'm pleased to tell you all that I've started going to a local methadone clinic here in my city and I have not felt quite this good in years. I began treatment over a month ago and I'm receiving assistance with payment from my parents, which I am so grateful for.

Unfortunately however I am still on the street and staying wherever I can, but somewhat regularly with my friends J**** & S***. Some setbacks have occurred but slowly I'm working my way closer to having more stability and security.

I wish all of you out there who are struggling too good luck - that you will begin seeing and experiencing some of the positive changes as I have been. Help is around the corner. Love is on the other line. Peace is in your pocket.

XO

 

[herbavore]

That is fantastic news, Fleur! Well, except for the homeless part. I hope that changes soon. You know another member on here recently suggested trying Goodwill for a job t someone else, maybe it could be worth a shot. Their mission is to help people gain job experience or simply to provide employment. I wasn't ever on the street long but when I was, it was hard in more ways than most people can imagine.

 

[cj]

I'm glad you got on methodone. It's a great way to get your life back in the right direction. Sorry your homeless but I think you can turn that around pretty quick if you stay off the heroin.

 

[oozingplazma]

I am truly putting forth good energy into the world with the intention and hopes it reaches you.. I wish with all my heart I New exactly what to say... I am sending you a virtual hug at the least... you got this man. FUCK that fuckin demon. It is weak, it is nothing, and you WILL transcend this. The universe will feel your desire and help you out I promise

 

[LesFleursDuMal]

I'm glad to say that I now have both hands on the wheel and heroin is in my rear view mirror. I have been giving clean UA's the last few months and I have been clean from heroin for longer.
It's been a rough road but now I'm at a much better place in my life staying with my parents for now and becoming acclimated to a new sober lifestyle. Thanks for the support and well wishes. I'm sure it has made a difference somehow.