All my life I've suffered with a very weird type of social anxiety. I'm totally fine in large crowds of people shopping malls, clubs, restaurants etc) and can communicate very well with people I know. However there's a trigger in my mind somewhere that gets let off when I speak to someone new (not everyone) and especially when talking to more than 2 people at a time (unless they're my good friends/family). My heart starts racing I go BRIGHT red and literally can not communicate with them. All I want to do is walk (run) away from the situation. This also happens if my name is mentioned in a large group of people, I guess when a lot of people have their attention on me. As for public speaking - forget it.
I always wanted to be this confident person that could speak to anyone and let conversation flow but I just couldn't/can't. The point of not being this confident person I wanted to be took my a long time to accept, but I did. However the bright redness, heart speeding up and inability to talk to new people I couldn't handle. The main reason being is that the other person/people could see this and would think badly of me (in many ways).
I've always been a recreational drug user (not ashamed to admit), I believe some drugs can have a positive effect on a persons life (when used correctly and not abused).
By the way I never went to the doctors about this. I always try and deal with things myself.
Fast forward to 2010. I was at university and in the drug 'scene' however I'd never really looked in to benzos, I thought they were pain killers or something to help you sleep. Anyway, I meet a guy a becomes a good friend and he used diazepam. One night we were all out drinking (binge drinking - we were at uni) and I asked if I could try one. I was very drunk at the time but he still gave me a 10mg pill. Obviously with no tolerance i completely blacked out and had to be carried home. I woke up the next day at about 2pm still drowsy but I wasn't hungover. I went to the shops and I just felt like talking to people. Strangers, cracking jokes and enjoying it. The valium must still have been in my system. This was the person I wanted to be at the time.
I acquired a few more and would split them in half so I'd have 5mg when i was going out. I kept my drinking minimal so I didn't blackout again. This was it. My answer to everything.
A few weeks later I meet a guy who says he these pills called Etizolam. He said they're similar to diazepam but much more euphoric and make you less drowsy. So I acquire a few and wow THIS was what I was looking for. I ended taking them everyday, I started at 1mg when I went out or was going to a party where I didn't know a lot of people or going clubbing. This turned in to taking 1mg most days. I was fully functional. In fact I got in the best shape of my life even whilst taking these pills. At the time Etizolam was legal in the UK and me and my friend found a link in India. We were ordering up to 50 thousand (yes thousand) at a time (yup). I started binging on them some nights (binging being 10mg). However some days I just wouldn't take them. I'd go for weeks waiting for a shipment and not even feel the need for any.
Fast forward a year and it was the end of uni (I finished with a 2:1 BA(Hons)) in business management.
Anyway I was tight on money once I left uni so I would sometimes order a batch in, binge them and stop for a month or to. So I then get a job (well paid) and I also hit the jackpot finding a legal high store that sells them. I set up a deal to buy in bulk. I have money and I have a supplier = disaster for me. I ended up taking them everyday from 2012-2013 up until October 2016. My dose gradually went up to 60mgs a day which is the equivalent of 600mg of diazepam (insane I know).
Anyway I started feeling like this stuff was poising my body and I was getting barely any effects from them apart from improved confidence but not the good kind, I was angry at people and I wouldn't care who it was, I'd want to start a fight if someone was driving too slow in front of (yeah I was driving everyday too and from work during this).
I knew this had to stop so I read everything I could online and I was horrified by what I found. I educated myself on the GABA receptors. I read through Aston Manual 200 times.
Obviously if I went cold turkey I would literally die at this dose. so I decided to do a fast taper (I have a half marathon at the end of March 2017 and I want to run it clean so I can beat my last time). Over the course of 2 months I was down to 10mgs of Etiz a day. I stayed on this for a while to level myself. I then tapered to 5mgs a day over the course of a couple of weeks (I can't really remember (obviously)). i then decided to take the big big big dive to finally get this out of my system. I make an approach called the 5-4-3-2-1. I would usually binge a bit on the weekends so I would start Monday. --
Monday - 5mg Etizolam upon waking - this would obviously start wearing off very quickly due to the short half life but it was OK I could handle the withdrawals in the afternoon.
Tuesday - 4mg Etizolam
Wednesday - 3mg Etizolam
Thursday - 2mg Etizolam
Friday - 1mg Etizolam
Saturday - 0mg Etizolam (this is when the withdrawals were really bad so I times it to be on a weekend so I wasn't at work)
Sunday - 0mg Etizolam
Now I hadn't taken diazepam in about 2 years so I had no tolerance. The Etizolam withdrawal was pretty bad at this point but not insane like I'd read online about benzo withdrawal. I could still sleep, I didn't have insomnia, I had no rebound anxiety, I had no hallucinations etc and I had no fits. However I did have the following symptoms:
Extreme sensitivity to light (and massive pupils all the time)
Extreme pain in my shoulders, back and front right chest/shoulder area.
Extreme mood swings
Short breathing (but not out of breath)
Very bad flu like symptoms
So I decided I couldn't go to work like this so I I decided I experiment with the 5-4-3-2-1 method but replace the Etiz with diazepam which had a longer half life and would keep me level all day. The approach I took was slightly stupid however has worked. It went as follows:
Monday: 50mg Valium (completely took away the symptoms and obviously made me high)
Tuesday: 40mg Valium
Wedneday: 30mg Valium
Thursday: 20mg Valium
Friday: 10mg Valium
Saturday: 0mg Valium
Now my last dose was Friday 20/01/2017. I'm feeling next to no withdrawal effects now apart from a slight back ache (nothing a bit ibuprofen can't sort out), insomnia and slight mood swings. But I feel kind of euphoric that these drugs are out of my system (kind of as I know diazepam has a very long half life). However I think I might be clear from the Etizolam (maybe? I don't know)
I'd like to add the things that got me through my withdrawal:
Medications/vitamins/herbal extracts:
(All taken daily)
5-HTP (200mg) before bed
Propanalol 160mg time release
1000mg fish oil
Ibuprofen (only when pains were really bad)
Strong high end multi vitamin
Practices:
Meditation daily
Body scanning lying in bed (guided with headphones on) - this would literally send me to sleep within 10 minutes some nights
Deep breathing techniques throughout the day
Listening to calming classical music (I love classical music anyway so this was just a normal for me)
Things not to do:
Drink alcohol - not only does it make your withdrawals worse it can lead to dependency and when you're drunk you get the old 'screw it lets swallow a load of pills to try and get high again' = relapse
Take any stimulants - coffee etc - as I was/am a recreational drug user and decided it might be a good idea to take cocaine (during my Etizolam fast taper) - NEVER do this I experienced extreme paranoia and anxiety.
Smoke weed - again can cause anxiety and paranoia
Basically: only drink water, exercise (I am still unable to do this at this point due to pains/tiredness) but plan to start my running again tomorrow (I have a half marathon in 8 weeks. Fun fact: I've run a half marathon and a 10k race whilst on 60mg of Etizolam.
I know I have a long journey ahead of me still but I feel euphoric that this poison is out of my body finally.
Slow and steady wins the race, as they say. As you drop more towards zero, 0.1mg is going to be a much larger drop (because it's a larger percentage - for example, when you're at 0.2mg, a 0.1mg drop is cutting your dose in half), so don't feel discouraged if you have to drop by less each time towards the end.
) this is the next thing I have to do. I don't want to continue using diazepam or clonazepam, but over the past while I have sort of been subconsciously lowering my dose by immersing and surrounding myself in love, beauty, and positivity. My enthusiasm for life has become contagious... I know this is something I will need to taper off but I'm sure I can do it if I quit heroin, and take things slowly. I am not really in a rush I just need to ensure that I don't run out until I am done with these two. I have never felt more at peace with myself in my life, and I never needed these before I started getting really fucked up, so I probably don't need them anymore. The idea of being free from these too is really exciting to me! It's nice to see someone making progress and not suffering too much... maybe the dmt cleared your head up man. Yo fuck all that Md shit though that shit fries your brain as I'm sure you know.
