DMT & heroin + suicide

[Unregi]

A week ago today my cousin committed suicide.

He seemingly did not OD. He has been battling depression & addiction for approx. 20 years. It all started with alcohol as a teen, then weed,LSD - you name it he did it. Coke & pills in college. He Od'ed on pain pills he was prescribed about 8 years ago. He was hospitalized for hearing voices & severe paranoia about 5 years ago. The past 2 years he has presented symptoms of heroin abuse.

Almost a year ago via text we had an in depth conversation about heroin & I told him if he was on it that I would stand behind him & am in his corner no matter what & that I would do whatever it took to help him. He said thanks, he didn't confirm or deny heroin use.

I approached my family multiple times about doing an intervention & each time they were fearful of upsetting my cousin & pushing him deeper into his depression esp if I was wrong.

After he passed, I found a receipt for DMT he had purchased online 25mg all the way up to 200mg (if my memory is serving me correctly). & a bag of mushrooms. There were things to "tie off" all over the place as well as spoons & bottle caps but no bottles. Tons of little white baggies.
Maybe he was trying to get himself off of the heroin?
He used burner phones & got a new one just 2 weeks before his suicide. I found a text from someone he was buying $400 worth of something from.

I am sharing this all in the event it can help anyone.
For one this DMT stuff while people claim can be "spiritual" & get you off of heroin, maybe it can mess you up if you are not in the best mental space. Looking back on it he was acting out of character. Maybe something went all wrong?

Secondly, I know you feel lots of shame about your addiction & guilt & like nobody will understand, but, there may actually be A LOT of people who love you & would support you. if you can muster up enough courage to put yourself out there like you do on this forum chances are they have noticed you being "off" they just don't want to make an assumption. If you don't feel comfortable saying it, why not write them a note so you can get it all out there?

I would do anything ANYTHING to bring my cousin back. I didn't know it was that bad to the point he wanted to die rather than be addicted... reading the suicide part of this forum has helped me to understand more of maybe what was going through his mind. So thank you to everyone who shared.

I have felt so much shame & guilt this past week that I didn't do what I felt in my gut. There are 100's of things that I could have & should have done. I have not slept one night.

please please please rethink it. Hold on, And talk to someone. The world will NOT be a better place without you... these drugs it are messing up your perceptions & brain chemistry, you are not thinking rationally.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I am sorry for you and your family's loss. May your cousin rest in peace.

Sadly what you described with someone being desperate from drug addiction, and delusional from psychedelic use, and contributing to someone's choice to kill themself are both more common than people want to admit.

 

[herbavore]

I have felt so much shame & guilt this past week that I didn't do what I felt in my gut. There are 100's of things that I could have & should have done. I have not slept one night.

I know how hard it is for you, how difficult it is not to think you could have done something or said something to prevent this, but that is more than likely false. Your cousin had a drug problem, drugs controlled him more than he could control drugs--a wrong and tragic imbalance. But that was something only your cousin could change. It sounds to me that you did everything in your power to let your cousin know you were in his corner. Not everyone gets loved in this life--your cousin was loved--I hope you can find at least some measure of comfort in that.

Was your cousin a member of Bluelight?

 

[Unregi]

My cousin was not a memeber of BL that I am aware of. Thank you for your comments Herbavore, they do help.

since this happened, I have been searching the Internet for him or someone who sounds like him on this site to better understand. The Dark Side thread did help.

Sometimes we only hear bits & pieces of people's lives & the surface level stuff like they have an addiction. Under every addict & every person is a life long story & often tragedy.

I just wanted to put the stuff about the DMT out there incase it can help anyone considering this Stuff isn't regulated by FDA.

 

[Unregi]

Thank you I hope he is in peace now too

 

[herbavore]

Sometimes we only hear bits & pieces of people's lives & the surface level stuff like they have an addiction. Under every addict & every person is a life long story & often tragedy.

Yes, the stigma itself carries from life into death and extends even to the families. My son died of an overdose. I am still continually shocked by the unconscious attitudes of even my best friends when it comes to both addiction and also mental vulnerability (illness in society's vernacular).

And for what it is worth, I do not think we need to worry about the peace of the dead, it's the peace for those of us grieving that is harder to come by, but not impossible. I have found that the state of grief is probably the most powerful heart "opener" I have ever experienced. You can take the empathy and insight that your cousin's death has allowed you to feel and use it to make the world a better place for the living. We need all hearts on deck!

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

My cousin was not a memeber of BL that I am aware of. Thank you for your comments Herbavore, they do help.

since this happened, I have been searching the Internet for him or someone who sounds like him on this site to better understand. The Dark Side thread did help.

Sometimes we only hear bits & pieces of people's lives & the surface level stuff like they have an addiction. Under every addict & every person is a life long story & often tragedy.

I just wanted to put the stuff about the DMT out there incase it can help anyone considering this Stuff isn't regulated by FDA.

I'm sorry for your loss. What was your cousin's name here on bluelight?

Sadly what you described with someone being desperate from drug addiction, and delusional from psychedelic use, and contributing to someone's choice to kill themself are both more common than people want to admit.

 

[Unregi]

Yes, the stigma itself carries from life into death and extends even to the families. My son died of an overdose. I am still continually shocked by the unconscious attitudes of even my best friends when it comes to both addiction and also mental vulnerability (illness in society's vernacular).

And for what it is worth, I do not think we need to worry about the peace of the dead, it's the peace for those of us grieving that is harder to come by, but not impossible. I have found that the state of grief is probably the most powerful heart "opener" I have ever experienced. You can take the empathy and insight that your cousin's death has allowed you to feel and use it to make the world a better place for the living. We need all hearts on deck!

Thank you for sharing a small part of your story it helps to know I am not alone. I am very sorry for your loss as well. Your support helps me a lot.

 

[Unregi]

I'm sorry for your loss. What was your cousin's name here on bluelight?

Sadly what you described with someone being desperate from drug addiction, and delusional from psychedelic use, and contributing to someone's choice to kill themself are both more common than people want to admit.

Sorry if I created confusion he is NOT on a memeber of BL that I am aware of. When I started researching DMT this was on of the 1st sites I found.

Thank you for your insights. I hope more awareness can be built around this DMT & other psychedelics. there is no bringing my cousin back but hopefully his story can help someone to reach out for help & not try to remain in isolation & carry the weight on their own. It is a hard road to recovery but you might be surprised who you meet on that road.

 

[Unregi]

Hi I just wanted to share in the event this could help someone else.

My family members death certificate came back. Suicide was listed & Printed on the death certificate was a list:
Heroin
Fentynal
Carfentyal
DMT
(All in his system)

Please if you are reading this and think there is no way out other than suicide, reach out to someone even if it is just a suicide prevention line. Isolation feeds addiction MORE than drugs do. There are lots of people who love you and don't want to lose you but don't know how to help you.

And if you come from a shitty set of circumastances I guarantee once you get into the light you will be shocked at how many amazing people you meet on your journey.

 

[Kittycat5]

Oh man. Im so sorry to hear all this. I fully agree that psychedelics are not some panacea as many enthusiasts claim and certainly may have clouded your cousins mind, but those were some heavy duty opioids in his system and I would doubt, other than heroin, he wouldve seeked them out. I would like to say more but my drug babble will be of no comfort I feel. As someone who has unsuccessfully attempted suicide as well as lived through a couple of unintentional ODs, I wholeheartedly agree that there is always time, always someone there to help.

 

[Unregi]

I'm glad you made it through to tell your story Kittycat5 I hope you keep sharing your story.

 

[Pucman]

So sorry for your loss. That’s a plethora of drugs. DMT It is only for being in a good place, DMT that is. Alcohol, effects trips and Ihabe never gone further than that only psychedelics when I blast off. It’s such a short time to do any harm but could make you see some fucked up shit or spiritual. Moood health all effect ones trip

 

[Pucman]

Plus internet DMT could be anything so who knows, depression killed his soul. I’m sorry for that.