Black is the old black

[Will0w]

i posted this is a different thread and moved it for a little light. New to posting and truthfully having a tough time making sense right now.
I have been on this site all week through my withdrawal of heroin iv use. I am day six today. My detoxing tools are limited I started with a few xanax , subs , now I have been using a little meth day 5 and today because I have to work. I bartend so my job is very demanding physically. I took a whole week off but I used the first 3 days so really screwed my schedule up. Also my boyfriend of a year is getting clean too . We have basically locked ourselves in our apartment. Yesterday though for about 12 hours straight he was hallucinating so badly talking to people in our house as if they were eating dinner at our table while we lay on the couch and talking on a cell phone full conversations to know one these sort of things went on for 12 hours straight I had to go to work so I left him at 3pm I came home at 10 and he was better . He didn't know why he was hallucinating so badly. The only thing he had taken was 3mg suboxane and I think lararzapan? I'm not sure but I'm guessing he was holding out on some pills . I'm glad he's better but my motivation now is to just be clean no more clear unless I really need it for energy and I was the suboxane gone I don't know if now that I have ivd subs that I will have more withdrawl from them? Last use suboxane iv 3mg was yesterday before work problem I'm having now is my self medicating is getting so warped I couldn't sleep from the subs at all so I've really only slept maybe 4hrs at a time and truthfully I think only twice have I fallen asleep. With work yesterday I used a couple hits of meth to have energy and I still am awake it is ten am day 6 and I work at 3 . My cocktailing has backfired I will rest until 2 hopefully I can fall asleep . My symptoms however are not as bad as they have been in the past wds. I'm totally afraid to end things with my boyfriend because I think he will use again and his family thinks I'm clean and getting him clean . I am having a very hard time keeping this together for us both and getting us both clean and happy . He has been an heroin iv user for 10 years. On and off. I have only used for one. We were spending everything I made he doesnt keep jobs very well as he's usually the one that has to go pick up for us and I work everyday pay rent and buy dope . No food furniture is minimal rent is high and our habit very costly over $4000 a month on h. 1300 on rent anything else I make is for gas and cigs and a phone to call our dealers. I'm so depressed and I know I can get through this I'm just so worried about him . I told him he had to move out or clean up with me. So here we r . this is the third time we have tried to get clean together my cocktailing with other drugs was my recipe to only be able to work not to start a meth problem. Which is my old doc for about 10years. I'm so tired of this life I can't do it anymore I'm exhausted. It does feel good to get these thoughts out. I'm going to try to nap for a few hours . I'm not sure if I should take a little sub before work? I'm actually not feeling that bad I just don't want to be sick in the middle of my shift on a Friday night slammed bar. I really don't think we need the subs but he is very protective over them and thinks that is the only way maybe it is but I feel it's an excuse for him to use again when he runs out of film. And the guy who sells us subs only trades dope for them haha figures. It's just endless excuses for this drug endless . If anyone has any feed back on a couple cleaning up together Or how to keep him strong . Also any ideas on his weird hours of hallucinations so strange
Thankyou

 

[Ds]

When you 'enter' this stage of meth use, you 'indent' your self from others, that feeling of 'space' of being out there.
Sleep, it is good for you.

 

[JK25]

When you 'enter' this stage of meth use, you 'indent' your self from others, that feeling of 'space' of being out there.
Sleep, it is good for you.

Fuck your telling me.

 

[Will0w]

So I did it I am clean I don't even know how many days I think 2 weeks I can't sleep I'm still throwing up everything I haven't had a Benzo or anything in a week I almost overdid the sleeping pills trying to sleep and stopped those now I am just trying to hydrate and eat . Heroin is a bitch . I'm hoping I'll be feeling normal soon I had to kick my boyfriend out during this process because he wanted to use so I sent him packing I couldn't do it anymore he is at his parents and clean as well . How long until I have energy again

 

[herbavore]

Wow, Will0w, you did it! Good for you.

Getting your body back on track is really important while you are dealing with PAWS. Make sure that you are really paying attention to your diet, sleep and exercise. Even just a brisk walk every day will do wonders for your energy level.

 

[Will0w]

PAWs is kicking my ass plus I used twice last week so I guess I've been clean a week I really don't even know not really counting days but def over 50% of the month I have been clean I know that much . I just need to eat and get healthy I can feel how weak I am. I started back at work last night told everyone who asked what was up with me plus management that I have been expierencing terrible insomnia lately . So they bought it I guess . I have had zero energy and zero sleep maybe 3 hrs in a night if that . I've decided to keep writing this thread as my journal so I can read how frantic and chaotic wds were and just a reminder and thoughts of the progress I'm making even though it's small and slow it's moving . Sleep is really what I need the most. I was very tired at work yesterday and got a small line from a coworker so used that to work but still have not slept . Definitely does not help with sleep but I was desperate to work and feel normal. I need to stop self medicating and get my own energy back. Or even keep food down . Also my boyfriend is stuck at his parents and has messaged me about picking up . The exact reason I told him to move out. We used and then I got sick again and told him I needed him gone that day . We are better at picking up and using then we are at being a couple . Or anything really besides users.

But I did Honestly think about a shot today just one maybe two and what it might do . Would I sleep would I get sick probably be ok ? I can have one and maybe some white with it. He will deliver I have the money I have a poke I'm sure Somewhere nobody has to know, I know I would feel better I can feel normal for today . Just today be normal ...sleep ...

. I'm so exhausted even thinking about it and I still cannot sleep . using is so fucking tiring just not even worth the effort anymore so much time and money spent picking up every fucking day every single fucking hell spent day to be "well ". Go to work make money to stay well to go to work to make money to stay well. Twice, three times, 4 , 5 . So much driving, meeting up picking up So much effort to nothing . So much money. speed balls or half and halfs, grams, gram shots, short halves, cotton shots, cut shitty expensive short dope bags, to half ounce fronts , to can even get a fucking half to be well after paying $4000 last month feeding your kids , stealing, lying, working, using, food or pokes, rent or dope, dealer live with us, I'm tired of driving , using everyday every hour, all months every season picking up in winter picking up in summer , and still just needing more. Saying I'll make 4gs last 3 days and doing it all that night, now I will be extra sick if I don't pick up . Excuses, enslaved and can't even get high off a shot. Shitty sugar cut dope ,marked up 200% send those dollars south, Just staying well for $200 a day plus gas cigs skittles candy slurpy junk food and cigs clean pokes new pokes sterile water ,candy, laxitives candy laxitives cigs dope pokes, fuck rent is due.
all the time in the world . But no time at all, spending all time planning, counting shots counting hours, when can I grab, when was the last shot, who's got subs who's got benzos for back up . Watching others use, watching everyone's dirty ass iv practices, watching people beg for cottons, watching sick people beg, watching women trade themselves, watching men trade , watching women get pregnant, using through pregnancy, with their partner without their partner, using after, watching women pregnant from dope dealers still using , and always get the dealer to use with them go down together at least for a little while ,take all that you can, I waited 30 minutes last time I waited 5 minutes last time where is he , how long is he going to be, why didn't he call right back, shit what if he never brings it? I've got three cottons and maybe two cottons at home, shit. who's got good dope right now? where are they, what time is it? how much can I get now, what do I need later .def need to save a morning shot, boyfriend stealing my dope using more making extras getting well before me ? Dropping shots off at work, gotta stay "well" Can't shit, can't eat, can't feel my arms , wait move your arms they tingle. Definitely "well" Fucking can't hit, fucking veins r crap, need water, need heat, tie off nice, just need to get well can't hit crap, where did my veins go? can't hit shit, no old honey pots no knew veins, get lucky, bang! Get "well". Next shot, there's a small vein in my wrist it will do for today . There is one on my hand it will do for today . Try out the old honey pots . This may hit until swollen again. Fuck sister just look at my arms? mom saw the makeup, mom found my kit found a spoon found pokes Damn again, no locks allowed on the bathroom door anymore. sick again? why so sick? sick again ? just got sick with a different virus? Sick again? flu this time,.. cold last week and food poisoning again ina month always fucking sick ...

tears, denial, betrayal, deceiver, abuser, theif, user and dope. Fake to eveyone.

So much energy put into getting high, that I have no energy to be clean.

I won't go through another withdrawal. This is my last I don't have another one in me. The only thing that keeps me really slaving is fear of getting sick . Getting sick or staying well feeling normal keeps my routine "rituals" daily and manages my everyday life including wds and being sick all the way to the very fucking end of it . Still there .gives me nothing and something to do at all times every last second it takes.
I think of this and remember how much I don't want a filthy dark, nice warm, comforting shot....... Soul?....


Fear? Worry? Lies? Broken? Lost?

love, happiness, laughter.......truth..soul?



good reminder of what using feels like I will try to remember every detail.

 

[Will0w]

Is there a way to move this thread to sober living ? As a journal for recovery

 

[Will0w]

So finally I'm yawning but not due to my own chemicals but because I picked up . I didn't shoot however, Just smoked which I have never done before so hopefully I can rest tonight I work tomorrow and through the weekend not planning on using anything else to ease up or level out . Just needed a good nights rest seriously enough to buy that shit again. I did add my days clean off H until now was 11 days so that I am very proud of however I still have allot of work to do . Hopefully I can sleep tonight I also picked up some indica I never smoke so hoping that will help as well . I feel like my insomnia has really worn me down and let paws shine bitter rest sleeep zzzzzz z z z

 

[Vicvinegar77]

I feel your pain as you know. Its appears YOU are ready this time. Keep it up and get your mind clear, comfort meds if needed for sleep, seroquel are strong and I've taken only small pieces and they put me out. Myself went to a small taper of oxy Ive never done H but but at 250mg of oxy a day and at least <snip> a day it day to stop. Well not to hijack your journal, just as you told me be careful about self medicating. But comfort meds are needed sometimes to ease so any benzo for a few days that's it. Can u get gabapentin? I know it will help. Keep us posted! Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[Will0w]

Hey Vinvinagar ! I wanted to be sure that self medicating was brought up because that has been my biggest set back . I started day one wds on July 13 th . Gawd it's been a while since I set out on my journey ! I then used for three more days big set back !! and then started wds again July 17th ... then had a slip up On the 21st . a few days of amps to work and then I over did the red bulls to work and sleeping pills to sleep and ended up very sick and weak vomiting and kinda took the very last I had in me and since then trying to rebuild energy strength . clean until last night but I only smoked a little which I have never done before I have only shot up H ... But just one little bit has allowed me to finally eat a meal and relax a little. This entire month of insomnia ! So I'm at day 12. clean I won't include my slip yesterday. That would make it day 13.
Day 12 Im still not sleeping it's been days hopefully I will soon just found a nice xanax by my bed. So very nice supprise. I'm out of all of my comfort meds by about a week and a half not sure . Don't really need anything now just really didn't want to use last night but needed to have a little endorphins I just really had to. I wasn't trying to get high or shoot up nothing like that I needed to feel a little normal for one day to eat and hydrate. And honestly I'm completely detoxed off dope that I could only smoke a tiny amount so I didnt risk ODing so I'm not worried about relapsing at this point I really feel so much bettter and can see the light getting bigger and bigger . I've never gotten this far in any of my past attempts to get clean off Heroin . I've always relapsed a week or even weeks and a half in. Everytime.
I ate something solid finally which will be a huge improvement in my health and stability! I am very weak and about 8-10 llbs lost during detox . I feel like I am withering away but i will regain my strength . Going for a swim in the morning to help My muscles .and of course the sunbathing for some natural melatonin levels to spike back, I have only been able to eat yogurt, protein Shakes, Gatorade, and soup if I could keep it down . I had a little bowl of spaghetti and bread last night and I can feel my body like energizing from a solid meal. First meal since the 13th holy moly ! No wonder PAWS has been so tough but honestly I couldn't keep a thing down until now.
I am a 34 year old female normally very active very petite and good muscle tone but right now you could knock me over blowing me a kisss . I feel very malnourished so upping my vitamins eating fruit and Vegis going to get my health back on track. And energy levels back to normal . I will try to sleep for like 5 or 6 hours illl take 3 at this point . I have honestly only slept maybe 4 nights total and very sleepless nights maybe 1or two hours at a time here and there with weeks of insomnia and detox I have withered away. Today I'm feeling like it's worth it every second is worth not having to slave myself to shots all day to feel normal . I can do it my brain and my body will agree and soon I will be stronger. I'm very positive today and feel very grateful for what I have .

 

[Will0w]

I feel your pain as you know. Its appears YOU are ready this time. Keep it up and get your mind clear, comfort meds if needed for sleep, seroquel are strong and I've taken only small pieces and they put me out. Myself went to a small taper of oxy Ive never done H but but at 250mg of oxy a day and at least $250 a day it day to stop. Well not to hijack your journal, just as you told me be careful about self medicating. But comfort meds are needed sometimes to ease so any benzo for a few days that's it. Can u get gabapentin? I know it will help. Keep us posted! Good luck and keep us posted.

I honestly have never heard of gaps until you told me what you were using I really wish I would have had that would have made wds so much easier but this go around even though it's been a struggle using here and there really to feel normal I could get done with it feel Normal for a day and get back to the world of detox my self medicating got way out of hand and prolonged this wd gabs could have helped allot . I'll check your progress have a nice day today !!

 

[Will0w]

I feel your pain as you know. Its appears YOU are ready this time. Keep it up and get your mind clear, comfort meds if needed for sleep, seroquel are strong and I've taken only small pieces and they put me out. Myself went to a small taper of oxy Ive never done H but but at 250mg of oxy a day and at least <snip> a day it day to stop. Well not to hijack your journal, j

Anyone is invited to post here you are not hijacking thankyou for the thoughts ! And omg if I had seroquel this insomnia !! Keep yours until you reallly need them ! Weeks of insomnia &#55356;&#57116;&#55356;&#57118;&#55356;&#57119;

 

[herbavore]

(I am going to move this for you as per your request.)

Hang in there. As you said, this is your last time.

 

[simco]

I'm just catching up on this thread. You're doing great, Will0w! I'll keep up with what you write. Sending my best.

 

[G.R.S.H.]

PAWs is kicking my ass plus I used twice last week so I guess I've been clean a week I really don't even know not really counting days but def over 50% of the month I have been clean I know that much . I just need to eat and get healthy I can feel how weak I am. I started back at work last night told everyone who asked what was up with me plus management that I have been expierencing terrible insomnia lately . So they bought it I guess . I have had zero energy and zero sleep maybe 3 hrs in a night if that . I've decided to keep writing this thread as my journal so I can read how frantic and chaotic wds were and just a reminder and thoughts of the progress I'm making even though it's small and slow it's moving . Sleep is really what I need the most. I was very tired at work yesterday and got a small line from a coworker so used that to work but still have not slept . Definitely does not help with sleep but I was desperate to work and feel normal. I need to stop self medicating and get my own energy back. Or even keep food down . Also my boyfriend is stuck at his parents and has messaged me about picking up . The exact reason I told him to move out. We used and then I got sick again and told him I needed him gone that day . We are better at picking up and using then we are at being a couple . Or anything really besides users.

But I did Honestly think about a shot today just one maybe two and what it might do . Would I sleep would I get sick probably be ok ? I can have one and maybe some white with it. He will deliver I have the money I have a poke I'm sure Somewhere nobody has to know, I know I would feel better I can feel normal for today . Just today be normal ...sleep ...

. I'm so exhausted even thinking about it and I still cannot sleep . using is so fucking tiring just not even worth the effort anymore so much time and money spent picking up every fucking day every single fucking hell spent day to be "well ". Go to work make money to stay well to go to work to make money to stay well. Twice, three times, 4 , 5 . So much driving, meeting up picking up So much effort to nothing . So much money. speed balls or half and halfs, grams, gram shots, short halves, cotton shots, cut shitty expensive short dope bags, to half ounce fronts , to can even get a fucking half to be well after paying $4000 last month feeding your kids , stealing, lying, working, using, food or pokes, rent or dope, dealer live with us, I'm tired of driving , using everyday every hour, all months every season picking up in winter picking up in summer , and still just needing more. Saying I'll make 4gs last 3 days and doing it all that night, now I will be extra sick if I don't pick up . Excuses, enslaved and can't even get high off a shot. Shitty sugar cut dope ,marked up 200% send those dollars south, Just staying well for $200 a day plus gas cigs skittles candy slurpy junk food and cigs clean pokes new pokes sterile water ,candy, laxitives candy laxitives cigs dope pokes, fuck rent is due.
all the time in the world . But no time at all, spending all time planning, counting shots counting hours, when can I grab, when was the last shot, who's got subs who's got benzos for back up . Watching others use, watching everyone's dirty ass iv practices, watching people beg for cottons, watching sick people beg, watching women trade themselves, watching men trade , watching women get pregnant, using through pregnancy, with their partner without their partner, using after, watching women pregnant from dope dealers still using , and always get the dealer to use with them go down together at least for a little while ,take all that you can, I waited 30 minutes last time I waited 5 minutes last time where is he , how long is he going to be, why didn't he call right back, shit what if he never brings it? I've got three cottons and maybe two cottons at home, shit. who's got good dope right now? where are they, what time is it? how much can I get now, what do I need later .def need to save a morning shot, boyfriend stealing my dope using more making extras getting well before me ? Dropping shots off at work, gotta stay "well" Can't shit, can't eat, can't feel my arms , wait move your arms they tingle. Definitely "well" Fucking can't hit, fucking veins r crap, need water, need heat, tie off nice, just need to get well can't hit crap, where did my veins go? can't hit shit, no old honey pots no knew veins, get lucky, bang! Get "well". Next shot, there's a small vein in my wrist it will do for today . There is one on my hand it will do for today . Try out the old honey pots . This may hit until swollen again. Fuck sister just look at my arms? mom saw the makeup, mom found my kit found a spoon found pokes Damn again, no locks allowed on the bathroom door anymore. sick again? why so sick? sick again ? just got sick with a different virus? Sick again? flu this time,.. cold last week and food poisoning again ina month always fucking sick ...

tears, denial, betrayal, deceiver, abuser, theif, user and dope. Fake to eveyone.

So much energy put into getting high, that I have no energy to be clean.

I won't go through another withdrawal. This is my last I don't have another one in me. The only thing that keeps me really slaving is fear of getting sick . Getting sick or staying well feeling normal keeps my routine "rituals" daily and manages my everyday life including wds and being sick all the way to the very fucking end of it . Still there .gives me nothing and something to do at all times every last second it takes.
I think of this and remember how much I don't want a filthy dark, nice warm, comforting shot....... Soul?....


Fear? Worry? Lies? Broken? Lost?

love, happiness, laughter.......truth..soul?



good reminder of what using feels like I will try to remember every detail.

Wow- powerful words that will hit home for anyone who has ever had to wait for the dealer, been sick, or came down. Thank you!

Good luck, have faith in yourself! if my opinion matters, you did the right thing in taking care of yourself over 'making' your bf get clean. Keep up the strength!

 

[Will0w]

It's been months since I last posted or should I say last withdrawal. Kicking heroin has become my life. I have been kicking heroin since I started using it. In ww2 they used opiate withdrawal to get info from pows because the torture alone didn't break these men but opiate withdrawal did. This is such a powerful drug because it's no longer the drug your fighting it's your brain. How does one fight their own natural instincts, wants, cravings, needs and natural want to just keep yourself alive and well? The hardest part, or one of the hardest parts about this world is the secrets and lies I just recently told my family I was a heroin addict and they said "we know" so that honestly was a huge step into my recovery I feel like i don't have to hide being sick or well so I don't have to use to keep this fake face on all the time I think now I can be honest so I have a huge relief my stress and anxiety has gone down tremendously. But I still find myself hiding and lying go figures
So over the past 3 years of this Rolla coaster ride very expensive ride I have gone through withdrawal and succeeded in getting clean so many times I cannot count but my success lasts as long as it takes to cook up the next shot that then cycles right back into full blown use which then turns into my obsession to getting clean again. Last withdrawal I was self medicating so much that it made my withdrawal ten times worse and my insomnia was just out of control. I had an appointment to get on suboxon this is just crazy it was a month long waiting list to get an appointment just to find out my insurance was never renewed. Honestly I have not wanted to use subs because I feel it gives me an excuse to use. But I said fuck it anything I can use to get off the dope is fine just get off the dope. I have been honestly thinking about rehab but I just cannot get over the fact that these ppl charge thousands of dollars to put you through a detox and a 12 step program but if that's what it takes. I'm still trying to get clean at home. I just got through night 2 so I'm about 72 hours in and guess what I used so I'll see what kind of withdrawl I have waiting for me. Withdrawl is always there there is no hiding from this beast it's lurking in the shadows under your bed I'n your closet it's there waiting for you no matter what. You cannot find a magical cure there is no cure. Kratom I've been using just worried for the first 12 hours until I started throwing up every 30 minutes. I'm not sure how ppl keep this stuff down. It works for about 80 percent and you have to use and redose every hour I feel during full blown withdrawal. It's not majic and is not a cure because there is no cure. Benzos if you can get a hold of them and seroquil is amazing! That tiny little pill knocks you out. I put myself into precipitated withdrawl last night by taking a sub too early. I only had 4 MG and that literally made me almost call am ambulance the wds from that are the only excuse I have for using today. So I'm not sure where I am in my wds right now. Self medicating like I said always throws you for one. When you feel like shit the only thing you want is to be better it's natural but to what extent. To use again the cycle continues. It's so easy to just say to anyone quit be strong stop using change your life make these changes to better yourself your future so you have to do is stop. That's all just stop that is the majic cure that's the cure you will find on YouTube on Google in any rehab program in any suboxon clinic in any part of the world. Just get that beast out of the closet and get through with it if it were easy we wouldn't have $60,000 rehabs I mean seriously. Wtf do they use all that money for. The heroin dealers in this city come here from Honduras specifically to sell heroin send their money home and retire at the age of 30 if done right. And it's done right every day every hour rain or shine these drugs will always be there I can delete all my numbers but that's not what is going to stop me or trigger me it's me that does the stopping over and over torture. Pure torture. For what? To do it Again. I'm ready to move on for good this time I feel successful when I don't use for a week that is not enough.
"This has to be my last withdrawal "said by me every time I with

 

[Will0w]

I wanted to mention this

I am staying at my boyfriends parents house to withdrawal his folks know what's up my folks know what's up. last Saturday his mother also an addict overdoses on her oxys. Prescribed of course for her back pain which I'm sure is unbelievably unbearable to the point that not just any pain medication will work nothing mixed with Tylenol here just ocs preferred . We found Her lying in her own feces barely breathing called an ambulance and she was taken to ICU she survived without any noticeable brain damage from lack of oxygen they thought she was honestly not going to be able to be stable without the help of machines which meant she was not going to make it. She did however and the first thing the docs wanted to do was send her home with pain medication to help her with withdrawal. Are you fukcing kidding me ? But they didn't because she has a pain doctor with a contract. They had her hooked up to fetynal and Xanax and now she is home on oxygen. No med's so this house had allot of wds and detox going on kind of crazy suburban quaint white picket fence and of course thankyou to the drug dealers of America paid with insurance
And a written excuse to go along with being a full blown addict. Heroin opioid opiates is all the same and the withdrawal is always there no matter what there is no escaping withdrawl. If anyone knows please leave me a tip what is the answer tto this madness is it kratom Benzos taper suboxon methadone 12steps rehab jail overdose death insurance doctor's appointments detox
Or just the will to be done is that enough?
It's Tough to have a will to survive when all you do is numb your self blank
I feel like i have to have more Strength than that. I am numb so I need more strength to overcome than what I normally would need. More chemicals that are not there receptors that are not there strength that is not there. But is some how.

 

[jdfisse]

PAWs is kicking my ass plus I used twice last week so I guess I've been clean a week I really don't even know not really counting days but def over 50% of the month I have been clean I know that much . I just need to eat and get healthy I can feel how weak I am. I started back at work last night told everyone who asked what was up with me plus management that I have been expierencing terrible insomnia lately . So they bought it I guess . I have had zero energy and zero sleep maybe 3 hrs in a night if that . I've decided to keep writing this thread as my journal so I can read how frantic and chaotic wds were and just a reminder and thoughts of the progress I'm making even though it's small and slow it's moving . Sleep is really what I need the most. I was very tired at work yesterday and got a small line from a coworker so used that to work but still have not slept . Definitely does not help with sleep but I was desperate to work and feel normal. I need to stop self medicating and get my own energy back. Or even keep food down . Also my boyfriend is stuck at his parents and has messaged me about picking up . The exact reason I told him to move out. We used and then I got sick again and told him I needed him gone that day . We are better at picking up and using then we are at being a couple . Or anything really besides users.

But I did Honestly think about a shot today just one maybe two and what it might do . Would I sleep would I get sick probably be ok ? I can have one and maybe some white with it. He will deliver I have the money I have a poke I'm sure Somewhere nobody has to know, I know I would feel better I can feel normal for today . Just today be normal ...sleep ...

. I'm so exhausted even thinking about it and I still cannot sleep . using is so fucking tiring just not even worth the effort anymore so much time and money spent picking up every fucking day every single fucking hell spent day to be "well ". Go to work make money to stay well to go to work to make money to stay well. Twice, three times, 4 , 5 . So much driving, meeting up picking up So much effort to nothing . So much money. speed balls or half and halfs, grams, gram shots, short halves, cotton shots, cut shitty expensive short dope bags, to half ounce fronts , to can even get a fucking half to be well after paying $4000 last month feeding your kids , stealing, lying, working, using, food or pokes, rent or dope, dealer live with us, I'm tired of driving , using everyday every hour, all months every season picking up in winter picking up in summer , and still just needing more. Saying I'll make 4gs last 3 days and doing it all that night, now I will be extra sick if I don't pick up . Excuses, enslaved and can't even get high off a shot. Shitty sugar cut dope ,marked up 200% send those dollars south, Just staying well for $200 a day plus gas cigs skittles candy slurpy junk food and cigs clean pokes new pokes sterile water ,candy, laxitives candy laxitives cigs dope pokes, fuck rent is due.
all the time in the world . But no time at all, spending all time planning, counting shots counting hours, when can I grab, when was the last shot, who's got subs who's got benzos for back up . Watching others use, watching everyone's dirty ass iv practices, watching people beg for cottons, watching sick people beg, watching women trade themselves, watching men trade , watching women get pregnant, using through pregnancy, with their partner without their partner, using after, watching women pregnant from dope dealers still using , and always get the dealer to use with them go down together at least for a little while ,take all that you can, I waited 30 minutes last time I waited 5 minutes last time where is he , how long is he going to be, why didn't he call right back, shit what if he never brings it? I've got three cottons and maybe two cottons at home, shit. who's got good dope right now? where are they, what time is it? how much can I get now, what do I need later .def need to save a morning shot, boyfriend stealing my dope using more making extras getting well before me ? Dropping shots off at work, gotta stay "well" Can't shit, can't eat, can't feel my arms , wait move your arms they tingle. Definitely "well" Fucking can't hit, fucking veins r crap, need water, need heat, tie off nice, just need to get well can't hit crap, where did my veins go? can't hit shit, no old honey pots no knew veins, get lucky, bang! Get "well". Next shot, there's a small vein in my wrist it will do for today . There is one on my hand it will do for today . Try out the old honey pots . This may hit until swollen again. Fuck sister just look at my arms? mom saw the makeup, mom found my kit found a spoon found pokes Damn again, no locks allowed on the bathroom door anymore. sick again? why so sick? sick again ? just got sick with a different virus? Sick again? flu this time,.. cold last week and food poisoning again ina month always fucking sick ...

tears, denial, betrayal, deceiver, abuser, theif, user and dope. Fake to eveyone.

So much energy put into getting high, that I have no energy to be clean.

I won't go through another withdrawal. This is my last I don't have another one in me. The only thing that keeps me really slaving is fear of getting sick . Getting sick or staying well feeling normal keeps my routine "rituals" daily and manages my everyday life including wds and being sick all the way to the very fucking end of it . Still there .gives me nothing and something to do at all times every last second it takes.
I think of this and remember how much I don't want a filthy dark, nice warm, comforting shot....... Soul?....


Fear? Worry? Lies? Broken? Lost?

love, happiness, laughter.......truth..soul?



good reminder of what using feels like I will try to remember every detail.

I had to pause to collect myself after reading that. So pure...so everything I ever went through...over and over and over and over...You can be free of this. It will give your story even more power when you use it to help someone else who is in your exact predicament. I was in your exact predicament 2,027 days ago. I have been mindfully aware to make every one of those days count. You can do this. You will do this.

 

[Will0w]

I will note that smoking heroin instead of IVing drastically reduced the amount of legs and arms twitching tingling restlessness not sure if it is because you're blood is cleaning itself out or not but smoking before withdrawl really makes a huge difference like 30-40% with restlessness. Smoking for a week before will lower tolerance enough to go through wds. So using a taper method does work ppl say it doesn't but I have tapered but the beast is always lurking and waiting to get u. Withdrawal will always be there waiting for you. But you can taper down enough to make it less painful I'd say 50%less honestly. And I'll take anything when it comes to wds . This is the hardest thing in a world of hard things. Wds r the only thing that keep a user using until they quit then using becomes the reason for a little and then back to withdrawal is all excuses I'm just mostly tricking myself into using. Making an excuse for every time I need a shot there is always an excuse or reason for it. -

 

[Will0w]

I had to pause to collect myself after reading that. So pure...so everything I ever went through...over and over and over and over...You can be free of this. It will give your story even more power when you use it to help someone else who is in your exact predicament. I was in your exact predicament 2,027 days ago. I have been mindfully aware to make every one of those days count. You can do this. You will do this.

Thankyou I believe in what you are saying and anyone who has had the chance to turn their life around has every chance to help another person do the same . You are right about using your words to help ppl get to the right path this road is dark and keeps going it won't end until you turn that light on. Or until Someone else helps you turn the light on
I will be there soon