Addiction or The Same Old Me?

[125BPM]

Hello bluelighters, this is my first post. I've been skimming this forum for a good year and thought it was odd that I hadn't participated in the discussion yet, as I am always seeking to be more knowledgable of what recreational substances I ingest, because for the most part, I think acknowledging it's harm can prevent one from going overboard and crossing that thin line that separates the 'functional' from the 'destructive'.

So I wanted to get some insight from others, because I keep my meth use very secretive from just about everybody, and furthermore would be completely devastated if I had learned that any of my loved ones started doing it. I somehow manage to keep myself composed, but feel my world around me crumbling and deteriorating to a paper-thin dimension of pessimism. I contracted HIV thru giving a steroid injection to a guy I was dating when I scraped the top of my index finger. He suffered from a severe & untreated Bipolar depression that would be potentiated by recreational cocaine use and steroids. The day after I had learned of my status, he committed suicide. Those were the darkest, most painful days of my life.

Flash forward to a year or so, I met a guy from Miami in SD when I was on vaca.. we hit it off with intense feelings of authentic connection; as if we knew each other in previous lives. I learned quickly he did Chrissy, small bumps to stay awake, I was taken aback, in shock, thought 'oh, that's a bit intense'. We ended up shagging, and I tried it; wasn't a profound experience.. nothing could ever top my first time hitting Mary Jane as a teenager, or my first "roll", but it was, well, Highlander-ish, I guess. It's not even a high, more of a rush, like slamming back a shot of Fireball. When he visited the west coast I would do it with him but found that it's intense effects made me feel very pensive after a while, so I never learned to love it.

This guy was living in Miami, I was living in Cali. After a year or so of staying connected, I moved to be with him. I'm in the nightlife doing music, I don't have a 9-5, nor do I have the desire, but I know that a part of me would want to engage in my community had I been somewhere besides this vacuous city; or am I shutting myself out of a world that's discoverable if I make an effort?... about 3 days in moving here, the thrill of moving to a new location made its reverberated fade into silence and I would then sink into a very deep depression; and this mood overlapped the Orlando Massacre, making my whole entire world feel so STRANGE. Since then, I've progressed step-by-step with my musical endeavors, but the Crystal use increased. It snuck up on me... and I am not sure if I am naturally incapable of 'vibing' in a city like Miami; a city where road rage is seamless behavior that everyone joins in on, every person is an anomalous, inebriated version of them self, the air stings with the feeling of naivete & doubt coated with glitz; skin deep and sad; victorian homes bulldozed for the next condominium. It's hard to think coherently because it's so hot, or you're so spun or both. The beautiful men/women (whichever the wind sets your sail to) are horny, looking for casual sex, and that's the one thing that will keep you glued if there was any reason to be here at all.

Before I start rambling, I was doing 'dashes', can't do a rail in one sitting, and eventually went to the ghastly pipe, which according to the man that introduced me to this stuff, "changes you. you become different".. and while that might be true he pretty much invalidates the power of the drug itself.

As far as I'm concerned, my teeth are in perfectly fine shape, I've progressed in my music career faster than I had anticipated, but I still feel 'empty' and 'untrusting' of the people around me... However, I have been under depression's hypnosis since I was a kid. SO my worst 'crashes' don't even match up to my lows as a child and the loss I experienced 2 years ago. I wanna quit, because I think it's killing me, or it magnifies my innate depressive symptoms. My crashes aren't unbearable, I just become brattish.. like upset that I don't have it, and that whatever is preventing me from getting it faster is a nuisance to me,,, but I could never imagine the very thought of being violent towards people I love or people in general... I am still as empathetic and caring as I was when it wasn't on my daily lunch menu. I moved out but not too far from my guys place, thinking that our lifestyles were making us be around each other too much, and I look at him with so much sadness knowing how much he loves me and how I can't be the person to reciprocate that unconditional love////I want to feel 'happy' again but I have always have this feeling of severe uncertainty (anxiety they call it) and the drug is neither here nor there but kind of preventing me from taking a risk to evolve a little more.

Does anyone have similar stories to share? I feel less addicted but more morally conflicted. Many people I know that smoke are emotionally sensitive people like me, and have experienced some sort of adverse event in their lives that was never the causation of their use in the first place. I've always hated alcohol, hated pot after age 18, felt sick the 2 times I tried opiates, but I do like my nicotine and get the 'frenzy' feeling where you can't find your keys/wallet when I need a hit. Thank you all for reading!

 

[Psychedalienation]

Welcome to Bluelight!!.

Wow. I like the way you think. I highly relate to the analytical style of deep thinking you do with your situation.

I'm going to tell you this right off the bat, though: Meth is going to be just about the worst thing you can do for your anxiety. I live in Southern California. Anytime I go out of state, it feels really WEIRD too. I've had anxiety spells as well, even in seemingly comfortable settings. Where nothing seems like it is as it is. Kind of like the day after a bad acid trip. Everything is just... "off".

But the meth is going to potentiate that anxiety to the max level.

As for the addiction, you even said it creeped up on you. And now that you've moved to the pipe, you've got a battle on your hands. I get what you mean by the way, about how you can't really see yourself liking it. But then you do more.

I tried meth recently for the first time. I love stims. Meth was fast, to say the least. But there were many side effects I found not enjoyable. I said that it wasn't worth it to continue using it. But then I started coming down, and then I went looking for it. I searched the public bathroom floor for tiny micro crystals that I thought I had dropped just to put under my tongue. Meth is FIENDY.

But of course you know this.

Your crashes aren't unbearable, but that's because you know you're going to get more. When you decide to quit for good, and you come down off that last hit, and you start to think about how you'll never have it again, that's the real fucking challenge. That's the life boss level.

Your teeth are in good shape, everything is fine... Until you open your eyes one day and you're sobbing wondering how you LET yourself get into this position. Hygiene doesn't matter, food doesn't matter. Meth matters. Sounds dramatic and exaggerated, but sadly with meth, it's reality for the 99%. And don't think you'll be the 1%, because the 1% are the people who didn't even think about it.

You sound like a great, awesome person. I think you can get out of this. I hope you do. I'm here for you if you need support, just PM me.

Maybe try to taper off? Do you think you can cold turkey it? What is your personal opinion on how deep you are into addiction?

Let us know.

 

[125BPM]

Thank you for your warm response, I appreciate the kind words. Well, my situation is that my new roommate also uses; and just ended a 15 year relationship, and I told him about how it can be a good change to consider stopping, but we both get drawn back to our old habits. I can't do those 5-7 day benders.. sometimes I think they're made up, but people literally stay up for days at a time. No matter how spun I am, I still need my sleep and more importantly I HAVE to eat, because the stims make my empty stomach hurt even worse. I'm a control freak when it comes to my body in that regard. When I got drunk at house parties in highschool (I loathe alcohol, it's poison!) I would get so trashed but I couldn't 'pass out' like a lot of people do until the room stopped spinning, because I had remembered hearing the story of John Bonham and how he chucked laying on his back; and those stories resonated louder when I got drunk.

As far as my addiction, I've encountered habits that are more addicting; particularly cigarettes which I still use, solitude (avoiding social interactions) and gambling. Now the gambling started with a few slot machines and scratch tickets, and that drew me into the abyss faster than anything I had remembered, but fortunately I disassociated with it early on; lord knows where that could have taken me. Gambling I'd imagine is probably worse than any drug addiction.. Solitude is another habit that can really shape your life for the worst. Avoidance is not always the answer, and I have to rebuild a lot of relationships as a result of going MIA. Now meth would probably barely make it in the Top 10, because I've had addictive habits in the past including shopping and OCD-like behaviors. When I visit CA or my family up north, the thought of meth doesn't really cross my mind. I know environmental changes are among the best methods for treating meth addiction. I don't pick at my face, I'm a bit hygiene obsessed, and I love working on projects. The worst I've done was steal the drug itself from the guy who introduced it to me (it's one of the things that helps him pay the bills) but I've never stolen money nor would I see myself in a scenario where I'm putting my life in danger to get a fix. So yeah, it's starting to evolve to a point where it COULD take over my life, but I'm not there. I've seen dead-eyed addicts with the cold-sweat and that vacant look of emptiness, crows feet and dark circles. It's a hideous look and it terrifies me knowing that there is alwas that possibility.

I have roughly 1.5 grams left and I am going to try my best to just avoid it. I'm going to stock up on some nootropics, phenibut, some CBD crystals (smoking it resembles making clouds which I consider to be half of the reason it's addicting), magnesium, take my benzos and antidepressants, etc... I'm going to dedicate the next few months to better myself. If things get worse for me, I have my best friends in ATL that have a home for me (one of them used to be addicted to crystal).

It certainly helps being able to express my battle so thank you again.

 

[keeping]

welcome welcome welcome!

forgive the paucity of my greeting - duty calls - but for a more dedicated introduction service you should check out the new member introduction forums here, and here in OD we have a thread dedicated to personal accounts of addiction that you may be interested in contributing to here. i felt a certain amount of ancxiety relating to you meth use, perhaps you might like to check out our mental health forums and/or our forum which deals with unhappy thoughts/issues/situations related to drug use? both of those sectons have wonderful moderators who can offer you their specialiost take on your situation (if there is one). oh and i take it you are from America? when you have the time you should pop your head into the north (and south) American regional forums

so anywho welcome welcome don't give in to despair meth needn't define you i'm sure you have lovely teeth welcome you seem very bright and i'm sure you'll find what you're looking for here welcome hello bye!

 

[125BPM]

I understand! Apologies, if it's within your abilities to do so you can move it over to the appropriate thread. I was aloof to the Introduction forum and didn't notice it until I had already posted. Thank you for the info with hyperlinks, they all seem very helpful and might be just what I need to kick this obnoxious habit, or at least contain before I wake up looking like Iggy Pop.. happy to be on board and I appreciate the genuine welcome to the page. I already feel considerably better now that people here are looking out for each other, even the fresh 'unknowns' like myself. Cheers!

 

[keeping]

I understand! Apologies, if it's within your abilities to do so you can move it over to the appropriate thread. I was aloof to the Introduction forum and didn't notice it until I had already posted. Thank you for the info with hyperlinks, they all seem very helpful and might be just what I need to kick this obnoxious habit, or at least contain before I wake up looking like Iggy Pop.. happy to be on board and I appreciate the genuine welcome to the page. I already feel considerably better now that people here are looking out for each other, even the fresh 'unknowns' like myself. Cheers!

your wish is my command
your thread is now in the NEw Member Introductions sections!
and it's no bother at all, all the mods here and more than happy to help anyone whether they've been here five minutes or five years

and for the record i think iggy is looking very well for his age aaahhaahha

have fun!

 

[125BPM]

Update:

I relapsed, well not relapsed.. just said 'fuck it' and climbed back into my habit hamster wheel. So it's been 24 hours. I finished my last hit and now I am left to my vices in 'real time'. No replacement stims. I have had 5 bowls of cereal and a whole tub of blueberries this morning. Following that, I ate a whole Hawaiian pizza with 3 cups of coffee, periodic helpings of water etc. I haven't taken my SSRI's but plan to m. No intense anxiety, just a feeling of unease, but then again I watched this movie called Creep earlier and I think that's the reason lol...

Does anyone have any advice on anything that would help? I just drank a good helping of kefir as I heard it can 'center' you a little better. To be honest I'm happy that I'm not high. That's the reality.. now I just have to tell my emotional self the same thing.

I have to work tonight (rideshare) for many hours because I owe people money and the devils drandruff has made me forget what time management is... ugh.. f*ck this drug. Any sound advice on what else to do? Exercises? Stretches? Magnesium? I have general anxiety disorder; could a small dose of prescribed alprazolam help with my exhaustion? Because I think the exhaustion is coming from my anxiety. Appreciated in advance. Thanks guys

 

[herbavore]

Hi. I'm going to move your thread over to The Dark Side. I think you will get a lot of support from people also struggling with dependence and how to manage or escape it.

As far as the anxiety goes I can tell you that I have suffered from that mind-fuck as well (since childhood) and what I have found to be the most helpful is mindfulness. It's a practical tool, you learn how to use it and over time you will find yourself amazed that what you thought was your innate nature was actually some learned mental habits that turn out to be quite "UN-learnable". While I'm sure that a short dose of benzos might help you sleep, they can also become a fast crutch that ends up a habit and getting off those is one of the hardest dependencies to crack. Not to mention the rebound anxiety when you do.

It sounds like you are a very adventurous person and you are also self-aware. Those are real strengths and you can continue to draw on them as you keep shaping your life. With the current media focus on the opiate crisis here in the States there is so much hype about drugs ruining lives. I think we are missing the mark. I think drugs are something you have a relationship with. That relationship can be healthy or not, just like every other relationship. What we are missing is why so many people allow it to become the most important relationship in their lives. There is only one relationship that should ever hold that spot and that is the one you develop with yourself.

It sounds like music is where you want to be and what you want to be doing (who you are). Focus your life around those goals and constantly evaluate what enhances that part of your life and what hurts it--it can be slippery and confusing so you have to stay on your toes!

 

[G.R.S.H.]

Hi 125BPM,

I did my round with meth a long time ago, but wanted to chime in with my experience in case it does help you.

The people I knew back then all had stated judgments regarding how it was used, i.e. smoking it was horrible (then they would hide in a room somewhere and smoke an 8 ball), or slamming would ruin your life, etc. While I knew people who used it in every fashion I could imagine, it was those people that smoked it that ended up having the hardest time going without. Because I recognized this, I never used it in that fashion so I can't speak to quiting the pipe, just the meth. I usually drank it or snorted it, and found that drinking it was my personal favorite. For a while I hooked up with some folks that had really good crystal, but were not part of the lifestyle. As a result they needed someone to help them get rid of it so that they did not have to themselves. This was probably the best time of my using. It was so clean and so good, that I always felt sooo good, which turned into a problem. I would keep half of anything that I sold, and using it was bliss... fast forward a couple of months... I had to come down. I hadn't slept, or even really ate in months and the world was not safe anymore (meth monsters became very real for a good amount of time, and I now I know just how close I was to permanently screwing up my brain). I crashed and crashed hard. The bout of depression from that come down was impossible to fight, I spiraled dark and deep. Honestly, if it weren't for a friend that brought me food and promised to watch over me while I slept I think I may have killed myself. I woke up days later, and continued the cycle, rinse & repeat.

A year later I had been back to using the crappy shit you find on the street, and unable to obtain the same high. I ended up getting caught with a small bag of the junk, and quitting. To this day I am thankful for several things; 1- running out of the crystal, 2- that crystal ruinning all other meth for me, 3- that cop searching my purse. I haven't used meth in over 20 years, and am grateful. It turns out that I love to eat, sleep, etc. I like my teeth in my mouth, and I am a much better mother than any of the women I knew when I was using. Getting off of it took me 3 days, mostly sleeping as I needed to catch up, and a lot of food. I had dropped 40 lbs when I was using the crystal, and put 30 of it back on fairly quickly, it was a relief. I was so sucked up when I was spun my family thought I was deathly sick.

My suggestion: at the very least put the pipe down. I do not know anyone who successfully lead their life while smoking meth. I do know that the people I knew that smoked it were often depressed, angry, weeping, desperate, and used more than I thought was possible. None of them were even a little successful in life, none could keep their homes, let alone keep them clean. None could parent their children and would send them away without knowing or caring where they were going or what they were doing. The man I used with smoked every now and then, he would become blank, stare off at nothing, and lose all resemblance to the man I knew. When he was coming down off of smoking it, he would become easily angered, often resulting in verbal, mental, and even physical violence. It was terrifying for me every time he picked up the pipe, which he didn't do often because he knew what it did to him. Occasionally he just couldn't resist.
In strangth- grsh

 

[125BPM]

Thank you for sharing your story G.T.S.H.

You might be right about the smoking thing. I never ventured to the needle thing because even thinking about it makes my veins hurt and I get a horrendous 'chill' all over for me.
As for quitting or just abstaining from the stuff, I have to move. They say that you have to recycle the people you associate with, but I don't honestly 'hang out' with anyone that
uses. That makes it feel way too normal which could potentiate an even more dangerous lifestyle. I think the best thing I can do is relocate. The only discrepancy with relocating is that I have an
offer for the fall that will be a big window of opportunity in my career. This will give me a shot at working with people that are solidified in the industry and these people think I'm talented.
I've been on a slightly inclined uphill battle of clinical depression since I was a kid, and when I experience my first huge loss (suicide) 2 years ago, my life has been going on sharp inclines but somehow able to go back down
and flatten to manageable levels of depression. I learned the real blows of what a suicide can do, so I know that what I feel cannot match just how horrendous it is to lose someone like that, so that kind of keeps me motivated
to 'mellow out' when I am down on my luck.

 

[yompf]

I smoked meth for about a year . I never really liked it unless I mixed it with pills.. I actually hate stimulants . I mean the first few min were cool , but then I'd turn into an anxious wreck. I'd like , get real weird , I wouldn't talk , I'd just sit and stare. I hated being awake at night too. Id lay for hours staring at the wall hating my life/self every second.
It's the DOC of every low life in this miserable town.
I moved back home after spending a few years out of state , and kicking a heroin habit.
People love sharing their crappy drugs out here. Can't find anyone to share anything GOOD though. even the black tar is cut with meth . !!
Check this out , I read an article on a study they did involving animals (probably rats , and monkeys idk) and meth. After exposure, the animals were given a choice of more meth , or food. They eventually starved themselves to death. Choosing the drug over the only thing really keeping them alive. They died!! With food right there in front of them....
Isn't that creepy? It really bothered me.
So the meth had literally re wired my brain , knowing that , and also that this could be reversed, helped me when I was coming down.
Every time I would get a craving , I would explain that to myself and say , I DON'T really want it.". It helped.... Things got so bad eventually,I was ready to just be done with it.

 

[125BPM]

Whoa, sounds like something I could relate to if I wasn't cheating my way off the comedown with half a xanax bar.

Just wanted to update everyone real quickly with my current status: I've been sober for over a month now and not missing the drug! I took hospice with family up north and have been able to reflect on my life over the course of 6 weeks. My first tapering was with friends on the west coast which was a mega bitch in the beginning but got easier; it's really allmental at the end of the day. You fvck your brain up to the point of complete apathy and discomfort and the only way to alleviate it is with a hit, but I've gone beyond that point. My only issue now is the reality of things; most people are severely disappointing/useless from a sober point of view. I'm also not making any promises with sobriety as I find that people who are sober kind of gloat about it and fond a new fix whether that be taking selfies or shopping; and I'm nit convinced that I suffer from addiction to that extreme. Im comfortable but at the same time kind of sad that I had such highhopes for certain people. C'est la vie!

 

[herbavore]

I think you are spot on about the other addictions (the whole fucking world seems to have the selfie addiction!). But beware judging others as disappointing. Most of us operate on a pretty superficial level with each other most of the time and thus the loneliness epidemic. So be the person that changes the situation. Allow for a deeper level of intimacy in conversation; in fact, invite it. The greatest gift we can offer each other is a chance to push beyond the learned habits of posturing and get down to something more meaningful for both parties.

Congratulations on everything you have done so far to change your own life. The fact that you are not even missing the drug says loads.

The "reality of things" is indeed depressing. I've been trying to balance my own world with what brings me joy while still acknowledging that so much that is out of my control (government, environment, culture) remains an undercurrent of despair. It helped that I found out there is an actual word for this in German:Weltschmerz

 

[jalara]

As far as the anxiety goes I can tell you that I have suffered from that mind-fuck as well (since childhood) and what I have found to be the most helpful is mindfulness. It's a practical tool, you learn how to use it and over time you will find yourself amazed that what you thought was your innate nature was actually some learned mental habits that turn out to be quite "UN-learnable". While I'm sure that a short dose of benzos might help you sleep, they can also become a fast crutch that ends up a habit and getting off those is one of the hardest dependencies to crack. Not to mention the rebound anxiety when you do.

This is a very good read. Thank you.

 

[125BPM]

Thank you for the heartfelt post. I love this forum as it seems that many of you including senior members add a lot of depth to a platform that I wasn't aware had an ability to make me feel a connection with other participators. I found that alleviating despair can only be achieved if I look to God, because at the end of the day, love is the main purpose of us being here, right? and I'm not saying God as a scriptural idea, but the idea that love is achievable if we only allow it. There's more love in the world than despair, and maybe one day we can eliminate the evils of selfishness & greed; but it will take many more centuries lol

 

[herbavore]

...love is the main purpose of us being here, right? and I'm not saying God as a scriptural idea, but the idea that love is achievable if we only allow it. There's more love in the world than despair, and maybe one day we can eliminate the evils of selfishness & greed; but it will take many more centuries lol

At least as individuals we can make that the meaning of our own lives. It has ripple effects, that I know.

How are doing and how is everything going?