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Never intended to cheat. Then couldn't stop.

J

Jmr828

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 2, 2017
Messages
73
M and J started dating in 2001. J was 20, single mother with a 2 year old daughter. M was 37. The two quickly fell in love. J's family hated M as they thought he was a controlling manipulative phony. J's family was not the subtle type so M knew exactly how they felt. J stupidly moved in with M a few months after dating. M kept J and her daughter away from family. So J would occasionally disappear for a night to spend time with family M would get very angry. J and M married in 2003. M decided it would be best to move from Mass. to FL. J didnt want to. Her family, life, job leaving all of that was terrifying. Because as always M knows everything, J knows nothing. 2005 move to Florida. M gets into real estate J hates Florida, hates real estate as that was not her career. Any attempt to make friends is ruined by M. Real estate business takes off. M and J built a very comfy life together including their own company. Purchased their first house, both had brand new cars. Business was great. 2010 J became pregnant life was good. About 6 months pregnant M started behaving different. Out very late, not coming home at all. When asked where he was:
-got a flat tire, got out to look at it got jumped by 4 guys they stole my wallet. Another time a guy pepper sprayed him out of no where stole his wallet, dropped wallet in walmart. This happened often and always seemed it was after a big closing, around that time he started depositing checks, once cleared withdrawing large amounts of cash. Following 2 years long story short M was arrested, charged with felonies, lost his real estate license. Very unethical and illegal reasons. M had a major gambling problem that got out of control. J maxed out her credit card to pay the hefty bail amount. J also stuck with him through the whole entire ordeal. J wasted no time found a job immediately. M did not. Mortgage was getting behind. M sold his car then blew every penny at the casino. J went out with some girls she worked with, drank way too much and drove home. Was home by 11. M slammed J up against wall grabbing her wrist tightly ripped phone out of her hand. J punched M in the face hard as she could. M ran across house woaking 10 year old up crying saying your mother punched me in the face, shes drunk, she drove home smashed she cant even walk, she chose to go out and get drunk over being a mother at home with you kids. The 10 year old did not speak to J for 3 months. M continued to involve and encourage 10 year old to stay mad. J was crushed. She protected M through all of his hard times. She never once involved kids or anybody. It was an ultimate betrayal. J started drinking more and more. When she would pick up beer on the way home to drink M and or 10 year old would dump her beer. Then treat her as if she were invisible. J started going out to the bar. The start of many affairs.
 
You should reach out to your family and leave this useless dipshit in Florida where he belongs. Leave. Take your child and go. Don't let M know, just go.
 
psy997 said:
You should reach out to your family and leave this useless dipshit in Florida where he belongs. Leave. Take your child and go. Don't let M know, just go.
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I needed to hear that. Only thing that ever gets talked about is the cheating. He will bring up every little detail, makes me sick. When the reasons that it happened come up that conversation is shut down and his reply is always: slut, whore, cunt ...
 
Jmr828 said:
I needed to hear that. Only thing that ever gets talked about is the cheating. He will bring up every little detail, makes me sick. When the reasons that it happened come up that conversation is shut down and his reply is always: slut, whore, cunt ...
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I agree you need to get on with your life. It sounds like you are being treated like absolute shit. I am sorry that M is such a manipulative control freak. Have you tried reaching out to your family just for some support? If you do want to leave I agree don't say anything, just disappear. Play it like everything is normal then just slide out quietly. So whatever you decide I hope that things will improve and you will be happier and healthier. Good luck!
 
Yep, slide out quietly. It sounds like you've tolerated him treating you like shit for so long because of a possibly subconscious belief on your part that you are, from having cheated. Your own guilt and shame is allowing you to take it from him as well. This is for working out when there is space, though.

Which there is not with M. Contact your family, explain to the best of your ability and receive their support, get your things, and leave.

We're also here to support as well. It's not just your family. We're rooting for you and know everything will turn out just fine <3
 
Put the beer down and stay outta bars. Alcohol won't do you any favors at this point. Not like you really need a depressant right now anyway. Your #1 priority should be your survival and that of your children.

Pick up up some mace in case you need it to defend yourself. Keep it in your front jeans pocket. M has a temper and potential violent streak so prepare yourself. Things could get uglier.

One other thing before you bolt for home: grab as much cash as you can. It sounds like he'll blow through it if you don't. You'll need the dough to start over, divorce him, deposit on an apartment, etc.

Good luck and stay safe.
 
DogLover123757 said:
I agree you need to get on with your life. It sounds like you are being treated like absolute shit. I am sorry that M is such a manipulative control freak.
What you read was just a drop in the bucket. When I told him that I cheated he demanded I stop. But I didn't. He made my life miserable at home. Crying to the neighbors, friends, gas station clerk and worst of all my daughter. I drank daily at this point. I was at work, got a call from department of children and families that was urgent and I had to meet with them that day. I left work and went to meet with them. He filed a report with them. Saying that I am unfit and a danger to my children. He had them come out to our home that day. They did interviews with the neighbors, my daughter, his parents. I was speechless. Then I was told that I could only be around my children supervised untill they do a full investigation. I fucking lost it. I did not handle myself well almost was arrested. That really helped him out. I drove home, that was my house too. He changed the locks and was like fort knox. I couldnt get in. He had his mother take the kids out of town.
I was at his mercy. Begging crying pleading he did not care. Grrrr....
What I am trying to get to. I am not allowed to take the kids and leave the state. Its in writing.
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Time to lawyer up.

Grab whatever funds you can. You're gonna need them. Start a new bank account in your name only.

Call home to what we hope is a loving family and a shoulder to lean on.

Did he legally adopt your first child? If not, I'm not sure his mother can legally take her. You better look into that asap.
 
Yes he adopted her. Because of me being so fucking stupid Instead of handling things like I should of I had a mental break down. Ended up in a dual diagnosis unit. Was there for awhile. Not by choice. He sold my car. Both our names on it. I lost my job and rightfully so. He couldnt be happier. I lost everything. I have no access to his money what so ever. I know I need to make changes. Get some independence back.
 
Jmr828 said:
Yes he adopted her. Because of me being so fucking stupid Instead of handling things like I should of I had a mental break down. Ended up in a dual diagnosis unit. Was there for awhile. Not by choice. He sold my car. Both our names on it. I lost my job and rightfully so. He couldnt be happier. I lost everything. I have no access to his money what so ever. I know I need to make changes. Get some independence back.
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Yes get some independence back, good choice of words. I am not going to judge you in anyway whatsoever but the drinking etc. is just giving him more ammunition to use against you. Did you guys work something out so you could get back in your house? It seems like he is going out of his way and above and beyond in trying to make you look bad and attempting to make everyone believe you are a bad person. It seems like the best move is to call your family, or see if you could visit them for a weekend, and lay it all out for them. You need your family to have your back to even the odds and give you support which will make you feel a million times better. The situation with your kids is unfortunate but it can be reversed. You can absolutely get your kids back as the mother. So I hope in the short term you will be okay and see about putting a long-term plan together. Definitely be covert, a black ops mission. Take care and you will have a lot of support here, so hang in there.
 
Yes, I came back once I finished up my rehab. Its not the easiest situation. I have difficulty filtering out what is real and what is not. He says he wants to help me, he wants to work things out and make things right and then the very next day filing a protection order against me, that was denied and pretty much laughed at. He is the type that can cry on demand, very theatrical, sell igloos to eskimos type. I am the type that cant control my emotions even if my life depended on it.
I love my family up north very much. But its kinda hard to handle them. My mom is a fire cracker. When i wasnt able to see the kids... she called the case worker. She told them that hubby was a pedophile, he wanted me out because he wanted to sexually abuse my daughter. This is not true. He is a dick and treated me horrible. He had always been a good dad. Until he involved the older one into all our problems. I hated him and wanted to hurt him so bad but that was taking it way too far. I told the case worker that my mom really believes that partly because shes hated him from day 1 and I told her that is not happening and I trust him with the kids. So, the advice and support has to be taken with a grain of salt.
 
Fucked up situation. I see you blame him for a plethora of bad decisions you made. I know the story is much longer than you put on here but it painted a very bad picture of only him. On to the issue.

There is obviously something fucked up in his head. Anyone with morals would never turn a daughter against her mom. My opinion, he's using her as a form of manipulation to control and hurt you.

As far as the cheating goes, not smart but the marriage was basically over prior to you getting laid. I would compare your cheating to his gambling. Both are ruthless and dishonest and both are complete betrayals of the marriage.

Lastly, if that's you in your profile pic I doubt you have a hard time getting a mans attention or a women's if you dig that sort of thing. I guess what I'm getting at with this is that if you tried I believe you could find someone close by willing to help you get out of this situation.


Is it just me? It seems like we as humans just can't get away from pain. It's like we seek it out. It's like it's some sort of right of passage in to becoming older.

OP, with enough time and patience you will eventually turn the tide. Adopted or not by him she is still your blood and that will definitely matter to a judge. Get your shit together and lawyer up and get you and that precious little girl away from him before he mind fucks the both of you anymore than he already has.

I would like to add that I didn't mean you should manipulate someone into helping you. What I meant by that is you need to look at the long game. Much like you would build a network for your career you should start building a network of friends. I know that he has not allowed that in the past but I would say it's no longer up to him. Meet people, build friendships ( maybe don't have sex with these people) and start looking a year or two down the road.
 
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gmlifer said:
Fucked up situation. I see you blame him for a plethora of bad decisions you made. I know the story is much longer than you put on here but it painted a very bad picture of only him. On to the issue.



You are 100% right. I could write a book at this point. What I described was the beginning of the end. We had 10 solid years. We did great as long as I did everything his way. He did as he pleased and I pretty much obeyed all his rules. In the time that I started cheating, I was horrible, scum of the earth and believe me, I own every bit of that and I hear about it daily.


There is obviously something fucked up in his head. Anyone with morals would never turn a daughter against her mom. My opinion, he's using her as a form of manipulation to control and hurt you.


That is exactly what he did. He had her as is little spy and completely against me. I would have never left or cheated on him over his gambling. I understand not being able to stop or control something. He hurt me in the worst possible way by using my daughter. I begged him to stop. He wouldn't. Once, okay that's a mistake but over and over again. I lost all respect for him.


As far as the cheating goes, not smart but the marriage was basically over prior to you getting laid. I would compare your cheating to his gambling. Both are ruthless and dishonest and both are complete betrayals of the marriage.
Lastly, if that's you in your profile pic I doubt you have a hard time getting a mans attention or a women's if you dig that sort of thing. I guess what I'm getting at with this is that if you tried I believe you could find someone close by willing to help you get out of this situation.

Thanks for the compliment! I used to go out, drinking, drugs and sex with random people got me into ALOT of trouble. That's a whole other story. I stay home now.


Is it just me? It seems like we as humans just can't get away from pain. It's like we seek it out. It's like it's some sort of right of passage in to becoming older.

I am starting to believe that too. Fucking sucks.


OP, with enough time and patience you will eventually turn the tide. Adopted or not by him she is still your blood and that will definitely matter to a judge. Get your shit together and lawyer up and get you and that precious little girl away from him before he mind fucks the both of you anymore than he already has.

My daughter and I have been working on our relationship. She is 17 now and understands what he did. We also have a 7 year old daughter. I am like a paranoid lunatic with her and making sure he doesn't do the same.

I would like to add that I didn't mean you should manipulate someone into helping you. What I meant by that is you need to look at the long game. Much like you would build a network for your career you should start building a network of friends. I know that he has not allowed that in the past but I would say it's no longer up to him. Meet people, build friendships ( maybe don't have sex with these people) and start looking a year or two down the road.
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I would never manipulate anybody into helping me. In my drunken fueled sexcapades ive had many offers.
Not that long ago, I had a good job, and I have always worked hard. I know I could do it. Just starting over from scratch and figuring things out seems so overwhelming. Thanks for the message!
 
i would move on, stop drinking and go somewhere else.

kids adds another element

an alcoholic parent is not gonna be a good one or look good in court. neither is a gambling fellon

stop giving him ammo. prepare and make your move once you get some money behind you
 
That sounds... awful. Where are you now? You should go back home, get sober, and start over....
 
While I was in rehab, he sold my car because both of our names were on it, he used 1/2 to put a down payment on a car for himself, the other 1/2 for first months rent and security deposit. The lease in just his name. Our house was being foreclosed on. Upon discharge from rehab I needed to have a solid plan as to what I was doing. My options were to move back home to Massachusetts, taking my girls with me was not an option. He made sure of that. The only type of relationships I made here were with men. I went back with him, I was desperate to see my kids. So here I am. Lost everything and working on things.
 
Jmr828 said:
While I was in rehab, he sold my car because both of our names were on it, he used 1/2 to put a down payment on a car for himself, the other 1/2 for first months rent and security deposit. The lease in just his name. Our house was being foreclosed on. Upon discharge from rehab I needed to have a solid plan as to what I was doing. My options were to move back home to Massachusetts, taking my girls with me was not an option. He made sure of that. The only type of relationships I made here were with men. I went back with him, I was desperate to see my kids. So here I am. Lost everything and working on things.
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Sounds like you have step one done. Now start working towards your end goal. Make friends, make money and make it happen.
 
gmlifer said:
Sounds like you have step one done. Now start working towards your end goal. Make friends, make money and make it happen.
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I am very happy to say, I start my new job on Monday!!! It is a step down from my previous position and a large decrease in pay as well. But the hours and convenience make it well worth it.
 
Good on you for getting a new job (y) It's not all about money, you're smart enough to know it's about the kids and fitting a better lifestyle for yourself and them. Just make sure you have them and yourself in mind and keep yourselves one happy unit. As someone who was part of a family like that, your kids will know what you do for them and they'll understand, and one day they're gonna take care of you in turn. It's rough now but if you stick with it thinks will get better.
 
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