Help help help!

[Bluebird78]

Ok, so detoxed from dilaudid with percocet, not the best idea, but it sorta worked. Down to about 3 percs a day. Problem, im getting 90 more dilaudid 4mg tomorrow. I dont know how to resist. Sober for 16 years off iv heroin. Life without drugs is so much easier. I feel lime i spend my time doing math to plan a taper, which obviously never works. I could write a textbook on addiction quotes. One day at a time and shit. I have sooooo much to lose this time around. I know i have willpower. But damn those dilaudid are intoxicating. Any advice thats not some 12,step quote appreciated. I cant hold off on the script bc its not mine. I am also doing this completely alone. No one knows anything.... They think im just sick! I miss being "normal". And for some reason this actually seemed worse that my heroin withdrawals many many moons ago. Oh andmy legs hurt soooo fucking bad! I yake 12 xanax and 10 valium to aleep at night. Also im a cancer survivor, and i genuinely want to live as along as i can, not snorting drugs every day. Help please

 

[cj]

Maybe it's time to think about maintenance?

 

[Bluebird78]

No i want to be drug free. I was a marathon runner and super healthy not even 2 years ago. I had energy and a zest for life. I just seem so far gone. Been abusing for about 5 months now.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

One day at a time. Do you have a decent support network?

 

[simco]

No i want to be drug free. I was a marathon runner and super healthy not even 2 years ago. I had energy and a zest for life. I just seem so far gone. Been abusing for about 5 months now.

Would you be open to something like a slow taper using suboxone? A ~6-month taper could be very helpful, especially if it's done along with a decent behavioral program.

I totally understand the urge to be free of the drugs. And if suboxone or similar isn't for you, obviously you know best. But it's important not to lose sight of the big picture...recovery is about long-term change. IMO, whatever it takes to get that process started is worth it.

One other option...

Given how you describe yourself (suffering from a fairly brief habit, with a strong desire to quit), you *might* look into naltrexone (either the oral form or the monthly shot called Vivitrol). The clinical data supporting naltrexone is pretty weak. But some people find it helpful. I definitely did. Again, though, naltrexone is definitely not the state of the art in treating opioid use disorder...just another option.

 

[Bluebird78]

The problem is i will not tell any of my doctors about my past. I get kidney stones and trust me, if youve ever had them only narcotics dull the agony. No suboxone, no methadone, i just have to do this myself. Btw, got Epson salts, wow they helped my legs a lot! Thanks for supporting me on here, its all i have.

 

[Bluebird78]

No one.... All alone

 

[Stargazer]

Congratulations Sim!!! Quite the accomplishment. So proud of you.

Bluebird- I read about your current situation in another thread. Sorry you're struggling--I can relate first hand as I continue to go between doing heroin and 7-10 day suboxone taper. So I feel your pain.

If you get dilaudid tomorrow--you're going to do dilaudid tomorrow. You're in a vulnerable position. You're still sick physically That factor alone would put the majority of us over the edge. I mean-c'mon- if I picked up dope for someone else tomorrow--and got to somehow keep it--Id be doing dope tomorrow. Despite the fact that I want to get and stay clean.

I'm in the middle of day 4 of sub taper. I don't feel the greatest and I'm early in. In another 6 days I'll feel a little stronger. But not strong enough to be around dope and not use it.

Is there any way you can obtain 4-5 sub strips? And do 7-10 day taper. Also, if you can't discontinue dilaudid Rx (why can't you? Even though it's not yours. At least discontinue picking it up. Im not sure of what's going on for you regarding this) - don't pick it up, have someone else pick it up, etc.

Im not sure what advice you're asking-or are you just asking for support? If its the latter--I would say--you can't be around it yet and it's going to lead to regret. And starting at square one ...and at a less convenient time.

I know, all too well, the nausea of starting over again and again. And having it be even harder the next time. If there is any way at all for you to avoid it tomorrow--avoid it. I wish you the very best. Good luck.

 

[Bluebird78]

Im just looking for support and someone to be actually honest with. My life looks like a fucking stepford wife commercial. But the reality is so skewed. Im just happy to find someone that can relate and not want to brag about their fabulous lives, which is the women i get to be around.. Yay... Sarcasm intended. I have a ton of tats and piercings, and an extremely checkered past, but when in rome. Now i teach Sunday school and run bingo nights. And your right, i did 2 dilaudid already. Ugh. I do appreciate the fact that you are honest with me. Wish me luck. And i will for you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

No i want to be drug free. I was a marathon runner and super healthy not even 2 years ago. I had energy and a zest for life. I just seem so far gone. Been abusing for about 5 months now.

Those correctly using ORT are, very literally, "drug free." I'm not sure you'd want to go that route as you clearly want to avoid letting medical professionals know about your struggle for fear of not getting past any necessary narcotic medication (although, from someone who also tried to approach to another, frankly this isn't a great reason not to be honest or get professional help). Plus, ORT to deal with a five month habit may be a bit overkill (although given your history of opioid use it would definitely be worthwhile pursuing if you want to get back to a place of running marathons and such - a good friend of mine from the clinic actually was active as a competitive triathlete and "mud runner" (lol) while on methadone).

That all said, can you envision what a life would look like for you not using drugs? Why do you think you're drawn to using the drug you use? What have you done you are most proud of in your life? That last one is perhaps a more useful question.

If you can find a way to get prescribed gapabentin or baclofen you could use one of those to detox and manage any cravings in early recovery more or less effectively. Basically though, if you're not willing to take medication or work with a doctor/professional, it's going to be significantly more difficult than it could otherwise be.

 

[richardsalvo]

You can make your own detox drinks through herbs, fruits, and vegetables that are rich in anti-oxidant.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Also OP:

Do you have any kind of non-12 step support group or anything health/wellbeing organized community (some people do yoga, for instance) you can get involved in?

If not, what kind of stuff do you enjoy and are you into in term or hobbies, interests and passions? Finding a group of like minded people you can connect with - whether formally dealing with recovery or not - is probably the single most valuable thing someone can do in support of their recovery from harmful patterns of drug use.

 

[Stargazer]

Bluebird thankyou for the kind words. I wish you strength and peace of mind

Although ORT-at this time --as TPD said could be a bit much, Ive been playing this back and forth game for over a year. Im considering, very seriously, maybe going on subs to keep me from using while I get stronger by developing a good, strong recovery support system. That is imperative.

I was clean for a year and a half. Like you, I really love life clean much better. Where things went wrong is, out of boredom I started using a little here and there. I did reach out - to people I believed were a strong support system. It turned out not to be that way.

I also was too complacent in my recovery. I have heeded the lessons learned. Now Im working on which route to take to get off the merry-go-round and REMAIN off of it.

The truth is, for now, you can't have dilauded around you. Im sorry you aren't able. to talk to anyone IRL. That is very difficult.

And yes-again as TPD mentioned Neurontin (gabapentin) will do wonders for you during detox and early recovery.

Best Wishes to you!

 

[Bluebird78]

Si i judt took last of my dilaudid... I have 8 percocets left. I am voinh to try the mega dosing vitamin c i bace been reading about. The physical aspects of the taper aren't too unbearable, but the depression and anxiety is a nightmare. I take a valiun and xanax to sleep. I feel like crying all the time. I honestly just want to be left alone. O knoe my husband and kifs feel neglected, but ig i coulf just get like 3,solod days to detox i vsn dral with thr emotions better. But im svared and thr fear consumrs me. I get 90 more dilaudid soon snd i csng gake them, jf i do ill be detoxing in Disney world.... I hsvr to bet tk a sense of normalcy by then. Ugh. Just so sad and dont know why..