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Dealing with anger and loved ones

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
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So I have been really struggling with anger towards a loved one this summer. It might be entirely justifiable, but acting upon it does me no good and makes me feel even more miserable. I'd be interested to hear how you deal with stuff like this?
 
I dealt with a similar issue a few weeks ago. My mother, to put it plainly, is batshit. Her boyfriend (my father's been dead for years) told me she may talk a good talk about trying to improve herself, but for me not to hold my breath. I asked her to take an active role in my own treatment (hoping that she would get the help she needed as well) and refused. In the end, I got my shit together and moved on with my life, and she did not. A few weeks ago, she came to Florida to attend a friend's funeral and expected me to drop everything and drive the 300 miles roundtrip to Jacksonville. I refused. I no longer allow her to bring her chaos into my now, somewhat ordered life. I have a friend who rewrote a large portion of the first part of AA's Big Book and titled it "A Secular Sobriety," (it's available on Amazon) and I love this quote, "How others treat me is THEIR path."
 
Water off a duck.... 3 marriages have taught me anger only means I lose. I'm mad at her and smoldering while she is not mad who is loosing? Me. Now a days I let it go... If thats the worst thing to happen today i'm still having a great day attitude is much better for my mental health.

Longer you hold onto that anger the worse you feel. Emphasis being on you and feeling bad.

Go some place and vent then let it go. Water off a duck....

R13
 
toothpastedog said:
So I have been really struggling with anger towards a loved one this summer. It might be entirely justifiable, but acting upon it does me no good and makes me feel even more miserable. I'd be interested to hear how you deal with stuff like this?
Click to expand...

You hit the nail on the head when you said that acting on the anger makes you more miserable. Barring a truly horrible situation, you're likely to improve your headspace and general outlook if you can find a way to leave the anger outside your heart. That shit will just fester and pollute your soul. Is there a way to insert some breathing room between you and this person?
 
With all emotions I would suggest experiencing it, trying to understand more deeply (emotions can be confusing as they are so multifaceted) and letting it run its course. I find no benefit in either suppressing my emotions for the sake of others or by acting negatively upon them (as you made mention of).

I also suggest calmly communicating your feeling. Theres no guarantee theyll listen, care, etc, but I find it so helpful to be able to get that off my chest. Like its no longer my problem - Ive accepted it, communicated it and Im doing my end...balls in their court now.

However, as others have suggested if this is a continual issue perhaps putting some space between you and this person might be best. Be it physical or emotional.
Sometimes I find that my expectations have a lot to do with my emotions. And with some people in particular I have changed my expectations for our interactions/relationship.

Best of luck
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Is it a parent?
Click to expand...

Unfortunately yes. I only have to deal with it for literally another 30 days though, thank god. I think I can make it till then. I've found waiting until I calm down when I begin to get frustrated and then using careful communication to work well. It requires I get creative though

Captain.Heroin said:
Is it bigger than a bread box?
Click to expand...

Totally over my head. ?
 
toothpastedog said:
Unfortunately yes. I only have to deal with it for literally another 30 days though, thank god. I think I can make it till then. I've found waiting until I calm down when I begin to get frustrated and then using careful communication to work well. It requires I get creative though



Totally over my head. ?
Click to expand...

30 days... you got this, TPD.

As for the bread box, did you not play 20 questions as a kid?
 
okay so i have a very similar situation when i got clean because I HAD EVERYONE BREATHING DOWN MY BACK 24/7 I had to shower and shit with the doors unlocked my brothr put camera outside the house to monitor if i left etc etc. now theyre not so bad ..okay so here i am freshly sober wanting to get clean and theyre in my face all day...best thing to do is find something to get your mind off of them immediately mine was practicing my art ...it was my getaway from everything...my physical body was trapped in that house but my mind was gaining wisdom with expanding my art and also reading books ..i was always a reader and interested in wether or not we were the only life form so i picked up some books on William H Cooper Stanley Kubrick and Malachi Z York etc etc...pretty much find a hobby that you can do asap example FIDGET SPINNERS LOL Xbox ,reading,playstation ,bluelight you know what im saying lol
 
lol he was asking if the problem was bigger than a bread box ...stay up and take care man....
 
toothpastedog said:
Totally over my head. ?
Click to expand...

I was making fun of myself. I should have just asked you about what's going on specifically. Instead I was like "Is it a parent?" then it dawned on me that I was playing the 20 questions game with you inadvertently.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twenty_Questions

A common question to ask is "Is it bigger than a breadbox?" so you figure out if what you're asking about is large, or small.

It was a rhetorical question I posited to make fun of myself basically. =D

losangeles1993 said:
lol he was asking if the problem was bigger than a bread box ...stay up and take care man....
Click to expand...

And yeah that's one way to have interpreted what I said, and would have been analogous to inquiring more about the problem in a way. =D
 
I havnt spoke with my father in almost a year, called him once when i was in detox, and he sounded really upset, sad that i was in detox/rehab,kind of crushed his dreams of me moving in with him back in alabama.
Last i heard is hes moved back with my step mom, and hes doing okay there.

I feel like i should contact him, to make an amends. Let him know how I've been doing.
Its a really touchy subject because i get really emotional with my dad.
 
Life is long and so are parent/child relationships. If I could go back and tell my younger self one thing about family relationships it would be this: stop expecting everything to be wonderful right this instant because wonderful can take a longer, slowing path to blooming. You change along the way, and hopefully grow in understanding. Your parents also change along the way and hopefully grow in understanding. The biggest tragedy I see when I look at families is the desperation to be seen and heard at an authentic level. That goes both ways--for parents and their offspring. When was the last time you tried to really understand your mother or your father in the same way you crave to be understood? I never once thought of looking at my parents as human beings with their own stories and life experiences outside of my own--until I myself became a parent. Then it hit me kind of like a lightening bolt. "Oh, shit. I'm a very fallible flawed human being--just like everyone else and I just became a mother.*silent inner screaming in terror* That means my mom and dad also were fallible, flawed human beings doing the best they could in the most overwhelming responsibility they ever felt." My brother was so overwhelmed by this after the birth of his daughter that he literally called my mom from the hospital and said, "I m sorry for everything I put you through!"

There was a wonderful time between my son and I when we said exactly that to each other. Parents put their kids through a lot, but rarely intentionally. The same goes from the other side of the equation. Best thing you can do is to endlessly hone interpersonal communication and being free with hugs and physical affection. They're the only tools we have for bridging the existential spaces between us.
 
I can't recall the exact one, but there's a short story by Alice Munro that includes a passage along the lines of: happiness is not an either/or proposition--rather, it is a matter of degree. Failing to realize this is the source of so much disappointment.

I've always found this to be very wise. And I think it applies to familial happiness too.
 
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