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5 year relationship ended.

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PassthatT

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 5, 2016
Messages
57
Hey everyone I wanted to see if anyone has advice on how to find your self after a lot relationship. Me and my ex were together since we were 17 and a month Ago we broke up. I'm having trouble being independent because we pretty much lived together that whole time and I never grew into my one person I guess. How can I do that? Just give it time?
 
^ OP said 5 years.

I'm sorry you're going through that. It takes time. You need to find yourself. Do you have a job? Go to school? Have friends? What's your situation like more specifically?
 
I do have a job and I will be going to school again in a month or two. I've been trying to distract my self with reading and stuff like that but it gets hard sometimes. I have been hanging out with friends but I have been drinking with them and feel kinda bad the next day not as in hungover but just think about her a lot.
 
School will be a good distraction and is a great place to meet new people and work on youself. You're going to be sad for a while since 5 years is a long time. But better to let it out now and be sad now then later. Cry, rant, be alone, journal , draw/paint, blog, express yourself, post in the let it out thread lol.

I would be careful about drinking too much. Remember alcohol is a depressant and will usually make you more depressed. Also it has a tendency to suppress and numb emotions which doesn't help you process. You're just sad but not really processing it which is what you need to try and do before school starts.
 
^exactly- you will feel like shit for a good while but in time it will get better. thats for sure but you need to make changes to your behaviour to help enable your mental recovery from what sounds like an in each others pocket relationship where afterwards you are like "what will fill the void now"

we have all been there- best thing is distractions like school etc. drinking might leave you in a low mood next day more susceptible to ruminating and negative thouhgts (booze blues etc.). plus is it possible to have friends without getting drunk? like what about other non alcohol activities

best thing is excercise- get out there and get your body moving. swimming, gym, cycling etc. whatever you like. its great for your mood and makes you feel better and look better

also as mentioned above let your emotions out. i had a few people die on me recently and i had a few days where i was crying and i fucking needed it badly. obviously this is cathartic and short term- if your still crying ages later its not so good for you.

swimming has really taken the edge off when i'm pissed off and stressed at least afterwards the stress is gone
 
Dont feel like you actually have to get over it in a hurry. 5 years is a fair whack of time to spend with one person.

Just take your time adjusting to a new situation.
 
It is tough. Let yourself cry. Take some time to yourself. And try to enjoy life!!!
Keep busy, hang out with friends.
 
My advice to you is to develop yourself. The best part of my 6 year relationship ending was I was poised to actually love myself, for the first time in my life i had over come so much that it was finally time to enjoy being me. The heart ache faded and shes still my best friend and one of my only, closest, and highest regarded ones as that. 3 Years ago i would have told you none of this was possible we would be together forever, i couldnt picture a life a day without her... I was so wrong.

Im 30 and this is becoming the longest stretch of being single but I'm still learning so much. I recently learned about emotional expression and accepting my own feelings about myself and those around me... basically i was 100% sure i was fine with being alone forever, maybe not anymore.

My point is it gets better you actually learn and grow even if you dont think you will, even if you thought you knew everything about yourself.
 
I was with the same person from 18 to 30, and we lived together the whole time and it was really quite a codependent relationship. I definitely felt like I hadn't developed fully as a singular person. What I did was get involved in things I had always wanted to do but couldn't or didn't, either because of the relationship or just in general. I spent a lot of time with friends, made some new friends too, but mostly got a lot more connected with my good friends I already had. Over time I started to feel happy and confident, and I started playing music again which is has been one of the great joys of my life. You're a free agent, which is exciting, because you can do anything you want to now. :) Of course you'll be sad too, but it's part of the process. And when you are ready to get back into looking for relationships, you'll have the advantage of having learned from this one, things you want, things you don't... things about your personality that you need to know.

It feels like you won't be able to feel differently, but trust me, you will, given time. The more you work at focusing on your own life and doing things that fulfill you, the faster that time will be. All things always change, the only constant is change. Sometimes people change together and sometimes they don't, but you absolutely will move on. Breakups are tough, no doubt about it, but try to keep your eye on the prize. And the prize is yourself, being who you want to be. :)
 
We were together from 17 to 22 and it was a rough but very loving relationship, we are trying to be friends but I'm trying not to talk to her too much yet but I want that.

Where do you start rebuilding it seems like such a daunting task to do. Everything I did was with her and I was on drugs for a lot of it and was just getting my emotions back from destroying my personality with too much mdma. So I'm kind of lost with what to do. I haven't really let me emotions go and I need to learn to listen to them better. I miss her but I try to code that feeling up.

It's hard focusing on my self when I was pretty much always focusing on her and our needs and relationship.

Thank you all so much I appreciate the advice
 
Everything you're feeling is normal. It's hard to not want to reach out.. I totally get that. I've had to block my exes....

Just be strong. What do you do? Be alone. Get to know yourself. Start over. Day by day. Each day, you'll miss her, you'll learn about yourself, and you'll grow stronger. Try to stay sober tho.. that would be key.....

Exercise. That's a great suggestion. Go for a run everyday.
 
It's very hard. I didn't want things to be like this, she was the one that left so it's hard to not send her texts.

I work quite a lot and I'm trying to get into reading more. I've started writing the past few days it helps and I like it a lot. I've been trying to work out but I move furniture and I live in Phoenix so some days it's hard to find the energy but I've been trying my best. I'm trying o pay more attention to my self and what I like and my emotions.

I will take that advice though and stop drinking it's no good, especially right now. I need to be clear minded.
 
Wow. Sorry to hear. I also just had a relationship ended after four years. We were engaged both work hard and then blam. I feel your pain and am only a week in myself but I know from experience each day gets easier but each day can also be hard and confusing. Don't let your self get to down I mean down is understandable but don't spiral somewhere u don't want to be. All I can really say is I'm sorry but life will all work out and things happen for a reason always. Hope that helps
 
Also dunno how anyone feels about this here but Jesus has always helped me. No joke he is my best friend and I talk to him every single day.
 
if you have a physical job lifting stuff then that is excercise

plus if she dumped you thats harsh and you been canning shit too much last couple of years? just give yourself time
 
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