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Welp. I'm back, and not with good news.

I've never heard of menstrual cramps getting exacerbated by WDs, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if they seem more severe in your situation. Sorry to hear you're dealing with that on top of the other stuff!

Are you comfortable sharing any details about your book's subject? I'd be very interested to hear about it.
 
Thankfully the cramps have subsided. But I notice that I'm fairly agitated and really quick to become anxious and upset. I have zero control today. Just trying to ride it out.

And of course! -- It is a series of short stories about things in my life that I feel shaped me. It doesn't go in chronological order - rather, it slowly links similar situations/catalysts to each other. For example. It starts with when I get my first real job and start branching out and making the friends that would later lead me down the road to experimenting with psychoactive substances. Jumps back to when I abused painkillers when I got my wisdom teeth out (but didn't seek them once I was all healed up.) Then, jump to my godfather (who is also a priest) physically abusing me when I was 10/11. It goes through a whole bunch of gritty moments in my life, as well as some really hilarious and happy ones. The end ties everything up okay, but I just was never happy with it. I'm thinking now that's because my story wasn't over when I thought it was. 8)
 
motiv311 said:
Jesus girl how much kratom did you usually eat in a day?
Click to expand...

I used to buy in bulk and make tea. Eventually I went to headshops and was taking about 20-30 00 capsules a day. Though I was abusing oxy as well prior to this quit. Last time I quit it was just Kratom and the occasional hallucinogen.
 
Shit I just kicked heroin 2 weeks ago and I've been taking like double your amount daily , withdrawals coming??????
 
motiv311 said:
Shit I just kicked heroin 2 weeks ago and I've been taking like double your amount daily , withdrawals coming?????
Click to expand...

From what I have gathered and experienced, a prior addiction does lead to more severe Kratom withdrawals, though that's anecdotal. I would begin tapering! The last time I quit Kratom I tapered down and it was no walk in the park but I made it through. With a slow taper it shouldn't be terrible, but withdrawal symptoms will most likely present themselves. One thing that has helped tremendously is kava (the last few days) it allows me to fall asleep within an hour and stay asleep. As far as my research on that goes - it is truly 100% non-addictive. I can't find any kava addiction stories (except for scaremonger news reports.)
someone can chime in and correct me if I'm wrong!
 
6AM vent time. Woke up at 3AM last night with moderate discomfort in every regard. Haven't been back to bed.
Where does one find purpose in this life ? This grey/dull/numb feeling has GOT to fade right? I'm either 200% emotional, or not at all. This weekend I am driving my mom and niece (maybe just my mom) up to my sisters farm in Pennsylvania with the puppy.
Hoping the change will be good.
my fiancé recently told me he has been taking Kratom the last month 2x daily. I already see his minor withdrawal. I'm helping him with a taper, but goddamn if it isn't maddening to watch him struggle with the very thing that has put me here. I wouldn't say I crave Kratom anymore. I crave relief. Relief from feeling like I don't matter, that any difference I make in my life is too small to add up.
Ive known about his use for a few days, I've just been mulling it over in my head. It's mornings like today where I feel my strength wavering. Where the thoughts that I could easily go out and score some oxy, tonight - and this would all go away. But I know better. I know that for 12 hours I may feel relief, but after that - the cycle would begin again. And I'm too far for that. I feel a big change happening, and I'm really anxious/nervous about it.
Anyways guys... that's it for this morning. Just want to say thanks again to everyone following along and offering support.
 
The farm trip with your mom and the puppy sounds awesome. It's been my experience that those kinds of field trips can bring great relief from the kinds of depression and anhedonia the you're feeling.

I also find that consciously breaking each day up into chunks is helpful when spirits are low. That is, it's easy for me to get overwhelmed by the prospect of another day of feeling shitty. But if I say something like "I'll ride this out till lunch, after which I'll call a friend" (or go to a movie, or take the dog for a walk, etc) my mood doesn't get as low.

Sending my best!
 
I am hoping so :) this brain fog only lifts for a few minutes then comes back with full intensity. I feel very isolated. Though that is my own doing. I just simply don't know how to reach out to the physical people in my life.

I have been "chunking" my days lately. The closer I get to going back to work, the more I find myself trying to play the clock. It helps! Sometimes.

Im just so tired :? when I can't think clearly because of disrupted sleep cycles I start to get frazzled. It always triggers me and reminds me of my stimulant abuse days - and that nasty strung out feeling.

Time for some deep breathing and more attempts at a full nights sleep!
 
Have you read chasing the scream TWP? You'd really like that book. Might be helpful in thinking about the hard, fruitful work your doing on yourself with all this <3
 
Nice to hear that kava has been effective. I've been experimenting with it myself, but it seems to always make me nauseous.
 
It was VERY effective when I first used it. Now it relaxes my sore/vibrating muscles... BUT, it feels a bit like xanax/weed. Which I'm growing not so fond of -_- it takes away the anxiety but leaves me sort of numb sometimes.
how much are you taking/how are you preparing it? Different kinds also produce different effects I've found through reading. Though I don't plan to use it past this month - so I won't have much time to experiment! As it wears off though, it definitely leaves me with about an hour of clarity, which is nice.
 
TPD - I have not! I will have to look for it online this weekend as I'm taking a trip and would love to get some reading in by the pool. I haven't read a full book in so long! I definitely shall look into this. Thank you :)
 
Xanax or any other Rx never helped me, it only made me feel worse the next day and I couldn't tell what was side effect and what was withdrawal. Everyone is different so don't let the internet freak you out; find what works for you and do your best. Your will power and strength will be what gets you through this and obviously you have a bunch of e-friends on your side rooting for you.

I couldn't really remember why I was taking any of this stuff in the first place, which is troubling. Everytime I tried to quit I couldn't make it past day 5-7 when the RLS, sleeplessness, sneezing and song verse repeats in my head really kicked up the volume.. so I'd always end up "making the drive". Two weeks ago I set an appointment with the local outpatient treatment center and its a humbling experience. Maybe talking to someone who sees the extreme side of it everyday would help or maybe help with a plan to get you back to par. Going there 6 days a week at 5am has helped me with getting a normal sleep schedule, starting my day and getting out of the house and active, and talking to other people who are going through much more intense things going on. I'm taking a small dose(6mg) of Suboxone and I've been two weeks without my drug of choice without any withdrawal. It's painful, I feel some shame and it's not exactly where I want to be; but it's a step in the right direction, and it just takes one to build momentum.

(Sorry for the long response)
 
Lalooks - I appreciate the response! I love reading others experiences. It helps me with my own. It sounds as if you are doing well, so for that - I'm glad! Structure is important, and you seem to have found that. I am struggling in every aspect, but grinning and bearing it. I'm on day 11. I go back to work on the 1st and I'm trying not to think about it - as it's causing me to think "you're just going to give in anyway. Minds well throw the towel in now." I have a very physically and mentally demanding job, so the anxiety I have over this is through the roof. Praying for a miracle in the next few days.
and trying really hard to do all the things I can to speed this recovery. Ah. I really want to be rid of this damn monkey on my back. But it is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to conquer.
 
About to head to sleep for the night... lots of introspection tonight. Crazy where the mind goes when it's not bogged down by kratom. Energy levels still in the negatives... trying so hard to push through.
 
How's your sleep portals? Insomnia is the main symptom that bothers me long term from withdrawal.

It sounds rough but you have the right attitude which is really important.
 
CJ- I seem to be getting 6 hours with the kava. It allows me uninterrupted sleep. (The last 2-3 days, before that I woke up almost 7 times a night) But when I wake up, I'm up. I need to try and not take it before bed, and see where I'm at naturally without aid from something. I am beginning to worry that the kava is somehow slowing down this process.
Everything I've read says it is not physically dependent. I'm more worried about the habitual side of taking it in the AM/PM.
insomnia gets me too - every single time :p
 
All day today I have been inadvertently planning a relapse. My mind keeps going to; "what if I'm not better when I need to go back to work?"
and the other part of me thinks; "you go back on Kratom and figure it out."
Why? Why can't I just push through?
I went to a festival today with my sister and nieces - walked around for 2 hours with the puppy. He did amazing. I'm so proud of him. I took a low dose of phenibut this AM, and am feeling it now. Why I do this - I don't know. It never feels good after 4 hours.
the kava is definitely helping with sleep/relaxing my muscles. But I cannot trade one thing for another (no matter how non-addictive everyone says it is.)
I'm really emotional today. Crying a LOT. Am I ready to quit? Do I WANT to be sober?
85% of me says yes. The rest of me says fuck no, block it all out.
I'm a rational person - I know what's best for me. I know this road to recovery is going to be hard, and I want to succeed. But I'm so fucking tired. And torn.
 
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