Mental Health Suicidal Son- I need support

[G.R.S.H.]

I am not really sure where to post this, so putting it here. If you could direct me to the right place I would appreciate it.

My son is in his late teens, after his bio-father killed himself I had to send him off to get some mental health support. He was doing really well for 8 months, though he refuses to take the medications they prescribed him. He blocked me and his step dad from seeing his FB posts (mostly because he doesn't want us to see his post about weed), but today a friend sent me what he has been posting and it is dark. I have already walked in on him trying to commit suicide, and was fortunate enough to get him the help he needed (needs). It looks like he is spiraling down that road again. He puts up a good face when spending time with us, so this came as a shock. Of course I let his counselor know right away, and he will be getting the help he needs.

Here is my problem- what about me? I don't mean to sound selfish, I love my son and will do everything in my power to keep him on this side of the veil. I just don't know how to keep staying strong, keep taking care of him when my own shit is so heavy. How did I fail to teach him that life is beautiful? Am I really the horrible mother that I feel like every time something like this pops up? When he says he hates himself, his life, etc.- I fell like a failure. He is my only child, and I have spent his entire life loving him with all that I have. Some how that is not enough! How did I fail?

 

[CFC]

Here is my problem- what about me? I don't mean to sound selfish, I love my son and will do everything in my power to keep him on this side of the veil. I just don't know how to keep staying strong, keep taking care of him when my own shit is so heavy. How did I fail to teach him that life is beautiful? Am I really the horrible mother that I feel like every time something like this pops up? When he says he hates himself, his life, etc.- I fell like a failure. He is my only child, and I have spent his entire life loving him with all that I have. Some how that is not enough! How did I fail?

Hi GRSH, sorry to hear about your troubles, I can see it's having a profound effect on you. It's not selfish to admit that you're finding it difficult to cope.

I'd like to reassure you, though, that your love of him is unlikely to be the problem, so don't assume that you somehow failed to give enough or impress him with the wonders of life.

When a person feels the way you describe him to, he's revealing that he doesn't love himself, not that you didn't love him enough. It's all about him, really. And there could be any number of reasons for this feeling, and hopefully this is what his counselor is exploring with him.

Do you have a therapist or counselor of your own you can to talk to about your worries?

 

[G.R.S.H.]

I did, have done, and now should probably get back a hold of her. I'm just so tired.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

You're a caring and scared parent. Your son has gone too far. I think that if you think he's still thinking about seriously hurting himself or others, then the authorities should be called so he can be evaluated at a hospital. So if the case, please do so now. Now.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Let me clarify a few things first.

1. Is he on any medication currently (you mentioned, he's refused)?
2. How long has he been seeing this psychologist?
3. When was the last suicide attempt?
4. When did the facebook posts turn dark and did anything change during that time (school, friends, home, some happen, father's death anniversary, etc)?
5. Is there a safety contract in place?

I'm really sorry you're going through that. It sounds horrible and although it's perfectly normal to blame ourselves.. you really shouldn't. Instead, focus on what can you change about yourself and what you're doing NOW. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, but merely sometimes, we have to change if we want different results. What do you change? I don't have that answer.

I also do agree with CFC, please find yourself a therapist.... how can you expect to take care of someone else before taking care of yourself? Make sure you're OK, first. This also might give you insight on what you can change about yourself.

 

[G.R.S.H.]

Thank you all for your support, while we talked, and right now I think he is 'out of the woods', my concerns and worries are always on my mind- as I am sure you can imagine.
Pretty Diamonds- to answer your questions...
1. He is self medicating, mostly weed, but when we talked last week it turns out he is trying just about everything, so I am even more worried.
2. He has seen the psychologist for 2 years. I think that he is no longer honest with him as we had put him in an in patient treatment when the suicidal thoughts were really bad. I am not sure how to make any form of counseling work now.
3. I am not sure. He tells me he tries and I don't know about it. The last one I know for a fact happened was last August.
4. He has his FB hid from me, but the concerns were raised, and post sent to me on the day I posted this thread. His father killed himself a year ago, in the beginning of the June, so it is very close to the anniversary. He gets really defensive when I bring it up. He doesn't like talking about it. I think he is afraid of 'being sent away' again.
5. Yes, we have a safety contract. However he does not follow it. I think he has completely forgotten about it as he took it down months ago. I need to find a copy of it and hang it back up.
I was in therapy for years after I was molested as a child. Sometimes I find myself thinking, I already know- I don't want to hear it again. But you and CFC are right, I need to spend some time taking care of myself again. I think I might be hiding from the world. It is not that I feel depressed, or angry, I'm just hiding.
It is really hard not to delete that...

 

[ConstanceG]

G.R.S.H., I am hoping he truly does get the help he needs...but don't forget or be too busy to remember yourself. You can't help him unless you're okay, too. Seeing you get help may be the extra incentive he needs to seek help. Just like on an airplane...give yourself some oxygen first. ♡