Hey guys.....haven't been on the forum in awhile. It's probably been years. Anyway, lets see if I have the energy to even finish this stupid post.
I wrote a really long post detailing everything that led up to this point, but I decided it was too fucking long and pointless. So here's the short(er) version. I guess it's still maybe a bit long so....sorry.
TLDR: I'm scared to eat because I'm afraid that everything will make me sick and it's making it really hard to function because I feel weak all the time from not eating, but I don't know how to just start eating normally again and I know it's all in my head but I don't know how to overcome it.
My anxiety and depression has got to a point where it's making it severely difficult for me to eat. And yes, I've seen a stomach doctor and they did tests and a scope and blah blah blah and told me there's nothing physically wrong with me to cause this problem. It's all in my fucking head. I used to LOVE eating and eating used to be a comforting and enjoyable activity and now it's torture.
I'm generally nauseated at all times. Maybe not ALWAYS, but a good portion of the time. Sometimes it's from not eating. Sometimes it's from eating. Sometimes it's because I fucking suck and can't seem to enjoy the simple things in life like FUCKING EATING anymore. Can you tell that this is making me angry? It is. I thought that maybe if I get pissed off enough at myself for not being able to overcome this, that the anger would magically override any other feelings that I have and then I'd be ok again. Well, that hasn't helped yet.
I'm not sure when the fear of eating started. Maybe it started when I got legit food poisoning from a taco truck. I got stomach pains, vomiting, shitting blood after eating food from a taco truck. It lasted for 2 days. Ok, whatever right?
Then a little while later I got sick from a burger that I ate at a restaurant. No symptoms other than puking, so maybe it was all in my head.
Ever since the first incident, I'm constantly afraid of everything making me sick. It started with being afraid of tacos since that's what I ate when I got the legitimate food poisoning. Then it slowly escalated to being afraid of all food. First it was burgers. Then it was pizza. I puked after eating both of these things which I used to love eating. Probably because I subconsciously convinced myself that it was going to make me sick because I was so scared of getting sick. Every single fucking food that I used to enjoy eating, I no longer enjoy at all. I'm afraid of all flavors being too rich, or too sweet, or too whatever. And I've always been extremely afraid of puking, so that probably doesn't make this any easier.
I'm living on pasta with butter and salt, alcohol because I'm a nervous wreck and it has calories, and lots of caffeine free Coke. I know soda isn't good for your body but Coke helps when I feel nauseous but I know that I drink it way too often now because I need calories from somewhere when I can't eat. I have Zofran but it doesn't help at all anymore. And no, I can't smoke weed for nausea because I'm scared of weed too (go figure) because I had a panic attack from smoking on many occasions because I can't control my fucking anxiety. On the rare occasion that I've smoked weed without having a panic attack, it really did help my nausea but I can't see myself using that as a solution because it's far too likely to give me a panic attack most of the time.
When I'm not anxious I'm able to eat more variety of foods, but the only thing that helps with my anxiety is alcohol. I was drinking every day for awhile, but now I forced myself to cut back to 5 days a week. But lately even when I'm drunk I can't seem to eat much. I was prescribed Ativan which didn't do shit for my anxiety, so they switched me to Xanax. Xanax helps my anxiety but I can't take it if I need to be awake so I rarely take it, only once or twice a week. The dr gave me Wellbutrin which make me feel fucking fantastic at first, I had lots of energy and I felt like maybe I'd be ok, but then the jitters turned into anxiety which turned into chest pains which led me to stop taking the Wellbutrin. So they switched me to Effexor which I never started taking in fear of it giving me the same symptoms as Wellbutrin. I know they're both SNRIs which can be more likely to cause anxiety, but SSRIs were tried first and gave me sexual side effects, and I'm sorry but I need to at least be able to have an orgasm. SNRIs didn't cause sexual dysfunction so that's why I wanted to stick with them but now I'm scared of them making me too anxious.
If puking wasn't such a horrific, awful feeling to me maybe I wouldn't be so fucking scared. I envy people who aren't afraid of puking. Maybe I'm just a stupid little bitch who needs to suck it up and face the fear. I'm not quite as scared of puking as I used to be, but it's still scary and extremely unpleasant.
I've lost weight (I was skinny to begin with) and now I constantly feel weak and lethargic from not eating. My friends are worried about me and they tell me how they remember how I used to enjoy food and I ate all the time. But now going anywhere with my friends is torture because when we get something to eat, I start to panic and I'm no fun to be around at all when I start bitching about being scared to eat and I'm surprised that I have any friends left at all. I can tell that they don't want to be around me as much anymore. And I don't blame them. 8)
I'm sorry for the really long unorganized post. I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm pissed off at myself. I'm hoping that someone has some tips to help me start eating again and getting past this fear of eating. I really need to talk to someone. Please help me. 
