TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Have you tried Remeron? It does wonders for me personally with depression and anxiety, and also it stimulates appetite so I've put on a much needed 25 pounds since I've been on it. But yeah I hope you find relief from somewhere, anxiety can be a prison.

No, I think that stuff is used for sleep also, right? Other than something like a benzo for a panic attack, I don't like meds that cause drowsiness. I HATE sleeping. Lol. I really wish that I could have gotten used to Wellbutrin but alas, it made me so anxious I couldn't function. Maybe if I tried again with Wellbutrin plus a combo of something slightly sedating, idk.

My issue isn't that I don't have an appetite. I'm usually always hungry and WANT to eat, my problem is that I'm scared of getting sick so then I'll postpone eating due to being afraid.

 

[JaredTheGhost]

I'm glad to hear that you are able to chow down something other than a faucet drip of coca cola.

Chinese food and chocolate bars are big steps, as well as two of my addictions, but I miss me a slice of pizza.

I've eaten maybe 3 slices of pizza over the last year, because my house is filled was zaa haters.

Think about all the toppings being spread onto the pizza and being thrown in the toasty oven.

Hopefully I made you hungry by now xD and riddled you with munchies that need tending to.

My friend had a hard time with glasses of water, because it freaked them out to feel the entire passage of cold liquid trickle down their throat to their stomach and it sucked seeing my friend suffer so much.

As for the anxiety, what works for me is to remind myself that my mind likes to fuck with my head and my perception of reality, people and my sorroundings that it goes in and out of whack.

When it happens, just remember that no one is judging you the way you imagine and you are on solid ground. Raise your arms to the ceiling and stretch you back side to side until it cracks.

It will relieve tension

Stop being pissed at yourself and mend those shitty genetics.

I suffer in similar ways and also take the vitamins I recommended to you, but your symptoms are so much worse and really need to be patched up.

I hate sleep and have had insomnia since I was a damn fetus, it seems ...

Ritalin balances that by making me super brain charged and turns me into a powerhouse of feeling like I rule the planet.

Head high, stay high and chow down.

Strap a genie rub to your waist and experience the magic of busting a hole through the window with a power load.

Tadaaa, sexual frustration gone.


Life is too short to be angry.

Chin up.

 

[Erikmen]

Have you tried Remeron? It does wonders for me personally with depression and anxiety, and also it stimulates appetite so I've put on a much needed 25 pounds since I've been on it. But yeah I hope you find relief from somewhere, anxiety can be a prison.

I have actually used Remeron for quite sometime and it helped me immensely. It didn't cause any drowsiness at all, at least not with 30 mg tablet. I did gain some weight but for me it was definitely a great choice, regardless of the weight gain.

Initially, it helped me to sleep better, but since I have always had problems to sleep that was actually okay. But no drowsiness at all, from my experience and also from few other bluelighers who have talked about their experiences with this medication.

Good luck!

 

[bluebellbutterfly]

Hey there. I am the same in the when I am suffering from anxiety and stress I lose my appetite and it becomes impossible to eat. If I try to force myself to eat, then invariably I will be sick. Despite the very real physical symptoms, I recognised that they were caused solely by my distressed mental state. Only when I figured out what was causing the mental state and then took steps to resolve it could I start eating again. Whilst I was in the thick of things, I would try to drink a high energy food supplement drink that is designed to give you the nutrients that you need and help you gain weight. I struggled to even do this but invariably found that facing drinking something was a lot more achievable than actually eating something.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Hi all. Sorry to resurrect an old thread. Just wanted to update.

I've been seeing a therapist. He's cool. He's trained in hypnotherapy and so he suggested trying it. We did it once and I feel like it helped alot. Sadly, he's only an intern so come December he'll be leaving that office and I'll probably get stuck with another therapist. But it has been helpful for the moment. Eating is becoming easier. I still have issues with my stomach as far as reflux and stomach pain, but I sort of know what things irritate my stomach now and I'm still repairing my stomach from the damage from living on soda. But over time it's getting more back to normal. I haven't been able to drink alcohol as much because too much will irritate my stomach, so I've been having to turn to other things instead of alcohol, which sucks. But meh.

The office I'm going through is a low income clinic so I guess one of their policies is not to prescribe controlled substances. I haven't been taking the Effexor, but I still have Xanax left over from my old dr that I've been rationing and keeping for emergencies. This clinic suggested that I stop taking the xanax because "we don't prescribe those things here". I hate the stigma attached to people who take benzos. The people who really need them for emergencies and can use them responsibly are basically fucked because alot of drs refuse to prescribe them.

 

[deficiT]

Hey folks, someone mentioned this topic the other day and I realized it's something that I've overlooked in my time here. So I'm planning on combining some other scraggler threads into a megathread of sorts, or something... I'll spare you the details and just make it happen.

I never considered that I had an eating disorder, but I've been food avoidant for most of my life. It's not simply that I'm a picky eater, 'if' I have an appetite I'll eat anything, just 80% of the time I am repulsed by the thought of eating food.

Besides the obvious effect of poor nutrition and excessive weight loss/gain and binge eating, this has spilled into other areas of life, and I've found it very hard to relate to a lot of people, who consider food, cooking, etc. to be some high point of life.

I've just always hated it. I hate being at the table. I hate chewing the stuff. I hate cooking. I hate everything about it. It makes me sick now just thinking about it, and I'm literally in a restaurant about to try and get carryout and I've eaten nothing all day. Aside from protein bars, I simply don't eat.

Have you ever struggled with an eating disorder? What are things you currently struggle with and what are your experiences with it? Have you found any type of treatment that has helped at all?

 

[Pillsbury dopegirl]

I've struggled with anorexia and binging my whole life. It was exponentiated by amphetamine abuse from vyvanse in my teens to crystal meth in the last few years. I just OD'd the other day and found out there was fentanyl in my crystal. 3 days clean planning to stay sober. I don't ever plan on not being anorexic. It's my favorite drug of choice and i just can't escape it. I have however managed to find the value in eating mostly healthy food and my calories aren't deathly low like in my teens. Besides enjoying a thin physique, I like the challenge of self control when it comes to food restriction. Every now and then I allow myself to indulge in delicious foods for a day or so. I've been as small as 118 (5'5") and as heavy as 180. Currently at 165 looking towards 150. I think it's very OCD based and I've learned that moderation and forgiving yourself are keys to staying physically healthy with a chronic eating disorder. Don't let your emotions control your eating and don't let your food control your emotions. Perspective from a bored lonely BLer. Hope everyone is doing okay!

 

[Selena248]

I've struggled with anorexia and binging my whole life. It was exponentiated by amphetamine abuse from vyvanse in my teens to crystal meth in the last few years. I just OD'd the other day and found out there was fentanyl in my crystal. 3 days clean planning to stay sober. I don't ever plan on not being anorexic. It's my favorite drug of choice and i just can't escape it. I have however managed to find the value in eating mostly healthy food and my calories aren't deathly low like in my teens. Besides enjoying a thin physique, I like the challenge of self control when it comes to food restriction. Every now and then I allow myself to indulge in delicious foods for a day or so. I've been as small as 118 (5'5") and as heavy as 180. Currently at 165 looking towards 150. I think it's very OCD based and I've learned that moderation and forgiving yourself are keys to staying physically healthy with a chronic eating disorder. Don't let your emotions control your eating and don't let your food control your emotions. Perspective from a bored lonely BLer. Hope everyone is doing okay!

Thank you for posting this. It is so hard to admit someone has an Ed than a drug addiction. I’ve been everything for two decades. But I think it’s about time people acknowledged. Food is just as dangerous. I’m going to be posting my story here in a bit hope you don’t mind reading >_<

 

[n3ophy7e]

I've had eating disorders my whole life, since I was about 11. At age 11 I started being very badly bullied at school, that was about when my mental health issues started.

I began heavily restricting my calorie intake in my early teens, and added over-exercising in my late teens. Eating disorders were very common at my high school so no one really noticed. After high school I started raving and heavily abused MDMA. I lost a lot of weight from partying and not eating.

But then in my mid-20s I started drinking heavily as well, so I gained a bit of weight from that. I became bulimic to try and control the weight gain. Bulimia absolutely controlled my life for almost a decade. It completely possessed me. It occupied my every thought. For many many years I was completely incapable of eating normally. I could only be totally anorexic, or binge and purge, nothing in between. Eventually my body just became so physically exhausted from it, it couldn't do it any more. Sometimes I look at photos of myself back then and I looked like I was dying from cancer.

I tried several times to get professional help but I kept chickening out because of the intense shame I felt. I never followed through with any therapy.

I'm 36 now and my eating habits are probably the healthiest they have ever been, no doubt largely due to a) being clean and sober, b) being mentally well, c) being more mature and at peace with myself in general, and d) in a healthy relationship with a loving, caring partner who is a professional chef!! So I never have to cook for myself! This is wonderful because even though I am mentally much more healthy now, I still have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food, and I suspect it will remain that way in some capacity forever. My tendency is still very strongly to restrict food. I won't eat unless I am very hungry, and unless I have to. I instinctively count calories and macros in my head, I can't help it. But luckily my partner understands where I have come from and doesn't judge. He cooks me super healthy meals and serves me realistic portions, and we work out at the gym together every day. There is a lot of trust there and I would tell him if I was restricting or purging or overexercising.

 

[Selena248]

I've had eating disorders my whole life, since I was about 11. At age 11 I started being very badly bullied at school, that was about when my mental health issues started.

I began heavily restricting my calorie intake in my early teens, and added over-exercising in my late teens. Eating disorders were very common at my high school so no one really noticed. After high school I started raving and heavily abused MDMA. I lost a lot of weight from partying and not eating.

But then in my mid-20s I started drinking heavily as well, so I gained a bit of weight from that. I became bulimic to try and control the weight gain. Bulimia absolutely controlled my life for almost a decade. It completely possessed me. It occupied my every thought. For many many years I was completely incapable of eating normally. I could only be totally anorexic, or binge and purge, nothing in between. Eventually my body just became so physically exhausted from it, it couldn't do it any more. Sometimes I look at photos of myself back then and I looked like I was dying from cancer.

I tried several times to get professional help but I kept chickening out because of the intense shame I felt. I never followed through with any therapy.

I'm 36 now and my eating habits are probably the healthiest they have ever been, no doubt largely due to a) being clean and sober, b) being mentally well, c) being more mature and at peace with myself in general, and d) in a healthy relationship with a loving, caring partner who is a professional chef!! So I never have to cook for myself! This is wonderful because even though I am mentally much more healthy now, I still have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food, and I suspect it will remain that way in some capacity forever. My tendency is still very strongly to restrict food. I won't eat unless I am very hungry, and unless I have to. I instinctively count calories and macros in my head, I can't help it. But luckily my partner understands where I have come from and doesn't judge. He cooks me super healthy meals and serves me realistic portions, and we work out at the gym together every day. There is a lot of trust there and I would tell him if I was restricting or purging or overexercising.

Hugs. Thank you for admitting this. It’s so hard to admit an eating disorder. I’m going to post mine right now

 

[Selena248]

this is going to be long sorry >_<. This is my Ed story.
m 34 female and Chinese American. My family moved from China when I was 5. Growing up there I was often beaten by teachers for being too open minded. My parents knew they had to get me out of there before I say something too outrageous.

Food was hard to get in China. We weren’t poor or rich but we had a lot of things in the one room and house we shared with others. Food was the reward for doing well for everything and that was stamped into my brain at an early age.

After we moved here my parents had to work in the day then attend school at night. Each did the opposite and I was left alone. I learned how to walk myself to the bus and cook at age 5. My parents were very well known back in China but had to drop everything for me and move here. My dad being one of the top engineers worked at Dunkin’ Donuts at night to fry the donuts while he learned english and went to school in the day time. I remember he had boils on his back from the oil popping out. My mom worked in the pharmaceutical industry. Because of who my parents were they advanced very quickly. As much as they advanced the guilt inside of me built heavily.



My dad achieved his CCNA certification very quick. But I was still alone and felt the guilt. I had plenty of food tho. My parents were very strict. They didn’t allow me to go outside to play. So my only friend was food. I remember even the school lunches of soggy chicken patties made me happy. It’s sad my fondest memories of my childhood with my parents were of food. It was the only time they had free time to take me out to eat. When Pizza Hut was still a restaurant we went a lot. Etc. They let me stuff my face because they grew up on ration tickets back in China. So they wanted me to experience what they didn’t. However this led to what I learned to be binge eating disorder. I was always hungry and bigger than everyone in my class. The teasing began. Thankfully I had learned english pretty fast but I was still different. And children are ass holes. I use the word assholes because I don’t bullshit around or sugar coat. The kids in my school were truly something I could never forget. The more I was teased the less open I was. I became a lonely child in the corner.





. I was a smart kid tho. I was doing algebra in elementary school. Til this day I’ve never read a text book or a book we were required to read. I do scan through them. I did eventually receive a BA in sales and marketing.

The beginning of middle school we had moved to a very rich and prestigious town. I was one out of three Asians in my class. It was a small class but still barely touching 2%. Remember how kids were assholes now rich kids were beyond assholes. They would set me up pretend they liked me then publicly humiliated me. So I ate. I ate and I ate. I couldn’t stop because the hole could never be filled. My parents still worked a lot and left me a lot of those hungry man meals. I ate 4,5,6 lost count at one time. They got a Costco membership and it made everything worse. Again they thought I was just growing and eventually i’ll lose the weight and scretch out. Eventually my mom was concerned and gave me some diet pills to help. Remember ma huang before it was illegal. She gave me those. It’s basically speed in a pill. I can’t say it’s a drug but it is. It helped a bit but not enough.



I finally made a real friend in 8th grade. She had shown me pictures of her a year ago and she was quite big. But now she was so thin. She explained she had gone on the Atkins diet. When she explained it to me I was pretty confused. I could eat all the meat and just avoid carbs and look like her. What???? It made no sense to me but hey I can look like that. I used all the will power I had but of course did it my way. I learned about calories etc then too. For me it made sense if I ate 600 calories of lean meat a day. I did this for couple months with the diet pills. What a difference it made. I was much skinnier. I went from 140(height 5’3 back then) to about 115. That doesn’t seem much but at my height a pound was a lot. People started noticing me and complimenting me. Guys liked me in 8th grade. Altho i didn’t know how to feel it was a new high.

But who can sustain 600-800 calories a day for months at 13.. My mom noticed I seemed happier when I was thinner. She really cheered me on I guess. Then she got me this Japanese powder you drink before you eat carbs. It’ll block the carbs. I remember drinking it and the first time I bit into a sandwich in months. That was the best sandwich ever.

I then felt out of control again . I ate and ate. Then ate more diet pills and exercised. I did those taebo videos everyday twice a day some times. That’s also bulimia referred to as exercise bulimia nowadays . It’s a way to purge the calories out. But the high eventually left me.

One night my dad brought home a fast food sandwich. I ate it without thinking but I was too tired to exercise. I had learned the diff eating disorders in school and wanted to try purging in another way. The second I stuck those fingers and the food came out. There was a new high to chase. During that time it was a bit hard for me. But I realized this was the only way I could eat as much as I wanted to and still accomplish my goal. I began researching bulimia and finding pro Ana Mia sites. Think it was during the time of dial up and dsl. It was right before the summer of entering high school. I knew I had to change. I had to be different



That summer I stuffed myself with everything I wanted to eat during my diet. Costco sized Oreo boxes. Etc. Then it’ll all come out it was like a magic waterfall of food. I had perfected it. And no one knew.

During that summer I lost more weight than I could imagine. But somehow I still felt fat. It wasn’t enough. My goal was 115 then 110 then 105 then under 100. I got to 105 eventually. My friend saw me again after few months of isolation. She was so shocked I could tell she was filled with envy and anger. It really pleased me that someone actually envied me. She asked how I did it and I just said I exercised a lot. My hip bones were coming out and I was wearing a tube top. It’s weird. Even tho I still felt fat I would show off my body.

When high school started my life changed. I had seniors flirting with me and this that. During that time my bulimia went to the point where I lost the gag reflux. I couldn’t get food out. But the habit was binging was still there. Throughout high school it was up and down for me w my weight. Then I used alcohol to numb the pain. My parents eventually found out and didn’t know what to do. I was sent to therapy for anxiety and prescribed Xanax and Prozac. It did help control the bulimia but only for so long.

My Ed wasn’t the only issue. I was extremely ocd and obsessive. I breezed through high school somehow not reading anything and just figuring it out on my own. My high school was very liberal. I slept a lot in class and a lot of our teachers were professors at prestigious colleges. We were taught very differently. But I did the very min and graduated. Got into the state college wanted to do nutritional sciences due to my obsession.

Let’s just say my college experience was very different.

Now I’m a very odd case with an unbelievable tolerance to all meds. I’ve woken up during surgery a few times due to not having enough anesthesia. At age 20 my bf back then got these pills. Percocet to try. He took 5mg. I took 5 didn’t feel much and then took 10mg. Then this magical feeling came in. It was as if every worry I had had disappeared. I was floating and just so calm. It was the first time I’ve ever felt so calm. I had never felt like this before and when it ended I needed more. I needed that feeling again because without it I was so tired of how my life was. That began my drug route. Course it was hidden very well. I was able to function perfectly while drugged up. Eventually I moved onto heroin. Then I took myself to a clinic to get clean with suboxone. Then few months later I went back. I couldn’t forget that feeling and no matter what I was going to get it back again.

Years went on and tens of thousands of dollars were thrown to drugs. I did heroin coke anything to numb myself. I faked drug tests and worked great jobs. Somehow no one caught on. I had my own office so I could nod out easily. Majority of the time I was left alone to focus on work. I easily finished everything in the first two hours and then just chilled with drugs. Then finally I was out of money and knew I needed help. I took myself to a methadone clinic. I was beyond suboxone at that time. Waiting in line at the methadone clinic and seeing those around me I realize how low I had come. But wasn’t even sure if I cared enough.

Methadone helped and I was able to wean myself off it. I then went into a pretty abusive relationship. I didn’t realize it then but it was mental abuse. Couple years went by. Back on whatever I could find to help me cope. I was living with a psycho and his mom then he had two judge mental sisters. One knew I was bulimic (she was also bulimic) but instead of wanting to help she called me out and said I was disgusting etc. Yeah ok like I’m going to admit I’m bulimic after that. The hate and the abuse made me a 600$ a day heroin addict.

Well I was tired and sloppy I guess. It wasn’t even me but his mom (who was truly a psycho on disability for it ) that lived with him decided it was time for me to leave. She had an idea of what I was doing but couldn’t prove it. So She took out my needles and drugs the said I left it out. As sloppy as I would get I would have never just left it out like that.

Well there goes my decade secret. They called my parents. My parents after the initial shock were understanding. They realized all the shit I held inside had to come out somehow. But they wanted to get rid of this quietly. I was sent to a fast detox place. 8k to go there. You basically are drugged and slept for 3-4 days. Then they implanted naltrexone into me. It’s a very powerful drug. However if you touched opioids after you’ll experience withdrawal symptoms

This drug however helped me control not only my addiction but my bulimia. I felt ok for once. My parents told me over and over again to never let anyone know and that this will ruin my life forever. (As if my life was perfect before this) still til this day they remind me to keep it a secret from everyone I know.



After a year the doctor there said it was too damaging for my health to keep taking it. I was weaned off. (Not even sure what he meant but sure )

Months after that I started doing coke then here we go. This never ending cycle of abuse i do to myself not to mention all the other emotional crap.





Right now I’ve weaned myself off doing 10-15 fen pills a day and weaning off coke. Will I ever stop the cycle ? I’m not build like that. I need something to replace what drugs do to me. The naltrxone did it but apparently no one wants to prescribe it to me.



I’m still in the loop of bulimia and drug addiction. I know it’s killing me but Really could care less. I’m not suicidal I just am numb. I’m at the point of my life where I can’t go on without a replacement.



i still feel alone. But recently I’ve been writing and maybe i’ll post an entry I did for my friends blog. I’m helping his recovery blog to introduce Ed because he has every drug recovery stuff but nothing on Ed.
I never really believed there were others were just exactly like me. I sorta stopped having the feeling of being such an outsider but I still feel so alone at times. maybe I can maintain being sober and not purging as much. it is something that’ll be hard. I’ll always be chasing the next new high to fill the void inside of me.

sorry I didn’t realize it was this long. >_<
I really want to help anyone so if you want to talk please let me know ! I’m not a professional but I’ve talked and helped over 5k people during my IG times

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thank you so much for sharing your ED story Selena, that is really powerful, and very courageous of you to be so open about it

 

[Selena248]

Thank you so much for sharing your ED story Selena, that is really powerful, and very courageous of you to be so open about it

Ty so much!! Sorry it was so long >_< but once i get some of my blog entries out there would love for you to check it out. I will contain the real truth behind ED esp pics of consequences of two decades of an ED and over a decade of drug abuse

 

[Coffeeshroom]

I had a friend (female) that was anorexic and also suffered from bulimia. When she was admitted to a place she was weighing 32kg at 5f. Already a small physique but she still suffered from emotional issues that drove this to just get worse. When she was admitted her whole family basicly wrote her off and wouldn't visit her or anything, So obviously i went out my way every weekend to see her an support her and sneak some chocolates in or energy bars. Anyhow on the weekends that she had a pass to go out for the weekend her family wouldn't even alllow her to go home and so everytime she had a weekend pass i would pick her up and gave her a good weekend that made her feel that there is at least one person there to support her and be there. We had some good weekends together ( no sex as that was not the type of relationship ) even though when she did spend the weekend at my place we would just cuddle and nothing more. I supported her and was there for her for the whole 6 months she was booked in. When she left she was a healthy or semi healthy 46kg at the time that made me proud of her and i kept supporting her even after she was out. But then a few weeks later she said she can't see me anymore becuase of her family who hated me, the one guy that was actually there for her through this whole ordeal. But i took it for what it was and said to her that she must just remember who was really there but till today im just a thing of the past.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I had a friend (female) that was anorexic and also suffered from bulimia. When she was admitted to a place she was weighing 32kg at 5f. Already a small physique but she still suffered from emotional issues that drove this to just get worse. When she was admitted her whole family basicly wrote her off and wouldn't visit her or anything, So obviously i went out my way every weekend to see her an support her and sneak some chocolates in or energy bars. Anyhow on the weekends that she had a pass to go out for the weekend her family wouldn't even alllow her to go home and so everytime she had a weekend pass i would pick her up and gave her a good weekend that made her feel that there is at least one person there to support her and be there. We had some good weekends together ( no sex as that was not the type of relationship ) even though when she did spend the weekend at my place we would just cuddle and nothing more. I supported her and was there for her for the whole 6 months she was booked in. When she left she was a healthy or semi healthy 46kg at the time that made me proud of her and i kept supporting her even after she was out. But then a few weeks later she said she can't see me anymore becuase of her family who hated me, the one guy that was actually there for her through this whole ordeal. But i took it for what it was and said to her that she must just remember who was really there but till today im just a thing of the past.

Sorry to hear that Families can be so strange and cruel. Did you ever get any insight as to why they were like that?

 

[deficiT]

Combined this thread with the existing threads on eating disorders (y)

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Sorry to hear that Families can be so strange and cruel. Did you ever get any insight as to why they were like that?

from what i gathered it was tough love. They tried for months at home to help her and to get her to eat and when things got medically bad and she still wouldn't work with them, they then decided to book her into an institution and I guess tried to teach her a lesson at the same time. Well that's what i think how it went down from what she told me and some off her friends and other family members

 

[n3ophy7e]

from what i gathered it was tough love. They tried for months at home to help her and to get her to eat and when things got medically bad and she still wouldn't work with them, they then decided to book her into an institution and I guess tried to teach her a lesson at the same time. Well that's what i think how it went down from what she told me and some off her friends and other family members

Yeeesh I hate tough love. It definitely has its place in some scenarios but it's suuuuch a difficult terrain to navigate without causing more emotional harm than good.

 

[gibberish-noise]

My situation - I'm at my all time highest weight by ALOT, I can't stop eating weight-gaining food, and I can't do the exercise I'm used to being able to do (injury, complete loss of fitness, bad depresssion - no motivation). I'm in hiding from my whole life and I can't bear to rejoin it until I'm smaller. It's so distressing. I truly don't know what to do from here.
...
How can you start digging your way out??

Same. Became too depressed to bother purging so now I'm just binging. Hate myself all the more but somehow that isn't enough to make me stop.

I wish I knew the answer. I know this is an old post; I hope you're in a better place now.

Part of me is ashamed to admit I have a problem with food. It's the most basic human activity, for fuck's sake. It just seems so...juvenile. The white adolescent female issue. I know it's a stereotype but that doesn't make it any less disconcerting and disappointing. I am disappointed in myself. I should be over it already. Just gain some self control god damn it. How can I claim to be an adult when I can't even feed myself properly? It's pathetic. I'm no better than an infant.

It's not even a 'real' addiction and yet it was my first DOC and is to this day. Everything else - weed, benzos, amps, sex, random whatever shit I'm offered, self harm (another of my shameful habits) - is just an attempt to quit or sublimate. The thing that makes it more difficult than drugs is that you have to eat to live. Abstinence is not an option. Of course, some foods are more problematic than others and you can just avoid those and stick to 'safe' foods. I wish I never tasted them. Then I wouldn't have cravings all the time.

That's the thing people don't get, why 'drink more water and chew 30 times each bite' doesn't work. It's not about feeling physically full - it's about getting your brain to shut up and stop craving. And the craving doesn't go away until you're repulsed by the very thing you craved and you're certain you'll never want to eat it again...til two or three hours later you change your mind. Or rather, your mind changes you. But who's who?

Even safe foods get ruined and eventually you get to a point where nothing is okay. When you don't actually /want/ to eat any more but you have no idea what else to do because nothing makes any difference so might as well try to wring a drop of dopamine from an old ritual. Chasing for hours even a single moment of peace but never finding it. When your stomach is about to burst but the void is still there. It's like quicksand. Or a black hole. You can dump oceans of DOC into it and it never fucking goes away.

Completely lost all my progress. Haven't worked out in months. I was setting PRs one day and the next I don't even know what happened. A switch flipped. I found a convenient excuse. Now all my goals are in the toilet and life feels pointless.

I feel like an animal. A hamster on a fucking wheel. This shit makes me suicidal. Feeling so out of control and hopeless is a large part of what caused my 2018 attempt. It's getting toward there again and I don't know what to do. Managing to distract with drugs but that can only last so long. Treatment has been useless and only exacerbated the situation. Sometimes I despair of ever being a truly healthy, functional human being. And of course that attitude is a self fulfilling prophecy.

How the fuck do I dig myself out of this? God, if I only knew.

Apologies for the dissertation. Had to get that off my chest.

 

[deficiT]

Same. Became too depressed to bother purging so now I'm just binging. Hate myself all the more but somehow that isn't enough to make me stop.

I wish I knew the answer. I know this is an old post; I hope you're in a better place now.

Part of me is ashamed to admit I have a problem with food. It's the most basic human activity, for fuck's sake. It just seems so...juvenile. The white adolescent female issue. I know it's a stereotype but that doesn't make it any less disconcerting and disappointing. I am disappointed in myself. I should be over it already. Just gain some self control god damn it. How can I claim to be an adult when I can't even feed myself properly? It's pathetic. I'm no better than an infant.

It's not even a 'real' addiction and yet it was my first DOC and is to this day. Everything else - weed, benzos, amps, sex, random whatever shit I'm offered, self harm (another of my shameful habits) - is just an attempt to quit or sublimate. The thing that makes it more difficult than drugs is that you have to eat to live. Abstinence is not an option. Of course, some foods are more problematic than others and you can just avoid those and stick to 'safe' foods. I wish I never tasted them. Then I wouldn't have cravings all the time.

That's the thing people don't get, why 'drink more water and chew 30 times each bite' doesn't work. It's not about feeling physically full - it's about getting your brain to shut up and stop craving. And the craving doesn't go away until you're repulsed by the very thing you craved and you're certain you'll never want to eat it again...til two or three hours later you change your mind. Or rather, your mind changes you. But who's who?

Even safe foods get ruined and eventually you get to a point where nothing is okay. When you don't actually /want/ to eat any more but you have no idea what else to do because nothing makes any difference so might as well try to wring a drop of dopamine from an old ritual. Chasing for hours even a single moment of peace but never finding it. When your stomach is about to burst but the void is still there. It's like quicksand. Or a black hole. You can dump oceans of DOC into it and it never fucking goes away.

Completely lost all my progress. Haven't worked out in months. I was setting PRs one day and the next I don't even know what happened. A switch flipped. I found a convenient excuse. Now all my goals are in the toilet and life feels pointless.

I feel like an animal. A hamster on a fucking wheel. This shit makes me suicidal. Feeling so out of control and hopeless is a large part of what caused my 2018 attempt. It's getting toward there again and I don't know what to do. Managing to distract with drugs but that can only last so long. Treatment has been useless and only exacerbated the situation. Sometimes I despair of ever being a truly healthy, functional human being. And of course that attitude is a self fulfilling prophecy.

How the fuck do I dig myself out of this? God, if I only knew.

Apologies for the dissertation. Had to get that off my chest.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Eating disorders are definitely real and they are serious, just understand that it doesn't make you weak or a baby.

Struggling with something like that is a lot of back and forth. Two steps forward, one step back. It's not going to be easy. I hope you get some relief from the suicidal thoughts, just don't forget about the people who care about you. Hold onto them tight. It sucks treatment didn't work, but have you tried other methods of treatment or other doctors?

The progress you've made is valuable, and if you work for it, trust, one day things will get better.