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Found out bf does Meth

H

heartpeep

Greenlighter
Joined
May 15, 2015
Messages
5
I have been sober 1 year. I got into trouble with child protective services almost 2 years ago, and have slowly but surely sorted out my life to gain the mindset that I did not need drugs to enhance my life. Meth was my drug of choice.

I met my current boyfriend of 8 months in a welding program we both attended this past year. He was the first boyfriend in like a decade that I've gotten to know without the use of drugs as a past time. I knew he had a background of Meth use and was on probation. I think he stopped using when we first got together. But now about 3 weeks ago I found out he had been using through out the time we've been together.

My first reaction was that it was unacceptable and that we were done. Then week by week I have to loosen up my boundaries. First was that, then asking him to stop at least until my child protective case is over (about a month left I believe), now it's gotten down to "can you just get high on Monday nights when I'm not around?"

I attend group therapy for addiction as I am required for my case. I don't share what's going on with this because I just want to be done with my case.

Every time he gets high and I know it, I am left upstairs in the bed trying to sleep, with him fiddling around in the basement all night. I can't fall asleep because I can't stop thinking about it. I question whether it's fair or not... If it just bothers me because I can't be getting high with him.

Of course I will always miss the high. But I didn't miss it enough to start thinking about starting again. Now I feel that if I'm going to stay in this relationship that I most likely will... I mean I'm pretty much planning my relapse once I'm free to. Thinking that this time I don't have crazy ppl in my life to get me in trouble like before...

I wish it were easy to leave because I'm starting to think it's the right thing to do
 
You just got to go with your gut feeling on this. If your in a situation where you need to take a step back to think about this, and your not sure talk to him and tell him you cannot jeopardize what is happening in your life right now. If he really cares for you he should respect your wishes and do the right thing. Best of luck on this. And good for you for staying on the right track.
 
Thank you for the response. I am up all night still thinking about this. I have a meeting with cps(child protective services) about my daughter coming back full time. I confided to my daughters aunt the first time I learned he was using, and she is who cps had placed my daughter with during the case. I don't know if it will be brought up during the meeting.. That would be if they want to make things harder for me to be done with my case.

I would like thoughts on the idea that using Meth occasionally is a OK. I get sucked into the idea that I can try to accept him using because it's once a week "like getting drunk on the weekends". Sure maybe he limits it to once a week, but that was probably because I was an obstacle for being able to go all out.

I just need help gaining clarity about being all or nothing when it comes to my decision about being drug free. Maybe some ppl are better suited for it than others
 
^Meth, along with opioids are almost never done occasionally in my own experience as well pretty much everyone I know irl. For the sake your child's custody stay away. As for your boyfriend, that's a tough call. I'm kinda in the opposite position except there is no child involved. It's tough and very sad. Having someone you've been in love with over a decade thinking opioids are more important than her because she has never been through withdrawal. IMO for the sake of the custody battle I would at least ban him from using in the house.

Also, since you confided to your aunt you should try to get him to abstain long enough to volunteer himself to a drug test.
 
It's tough because he was looking like someone I could settle down with. Also tough because he seems to limit his use once a week, and when he does he will just clean or work on projects in the basement as oppose to doing some outrageous stuff out on the streets all night. He was introduced to Meth by his parents at 15, where as I stayed doing it regularly with some "friends" at 25. I lived a sheltered life, so I seem to be getting the idea that he thinks I'm too square to accept that this can be OK.

He says this was never a problem until he admitted it, because he was able to hide/manage it. I would notice when he was up, it bothered me a little, but he always just told me he was excited to get done things done in our new apartment.

I feel like our relationship will Never be a priority for him like it is mine, because he has his own weekly escape that he can look forward to regardless of how other things are going
 
I think you have a much stronger chance of using again if you stay in this relationship.
 
Sorry ahead of time if this comes off harsh... Meth is EVIL. It destroys families. It destroys everything it touches. No Exception. Your priorities should be Kids and you in that order. As a former user you should be as far away from it as humanly possible. If he continues chance are you will too...

Meth started for me as a weekend thing. Then turned into longer and longer binges.

The scary thing here is you have no idea how this guy is going to act after hes been up 3-4 days and the psychosis hits. You want to subject children and your self to that?

I had to leave my wife 30 years ago to get clear of it. I ran and I never looked back.... 30 years later and a part of me still wants to do a line or smoke some to get that superman feeling back. Meth is that insidious....

Good luck in what ever you choose...

R13
 
I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to be spun all the time. I've known plenty of people who have used it just before work or something (construction) and been able to give it up no issue later on. But like those who use heroin full time, full time meth use tends to be a rather painful lifestyle.
 
One of the things meth taught me all those years ago is you never really know who someone is till they have been up 3-4 days. Meth strips away that civilized veneer and what comes out to play can be truly horrifying. The media is full of those kind of stories. To this day I still carry a firearm because I know what can be hiding behind that wall people put up.

When your spun... ANYTHING can happen and does.

R13

toothpastedog said:
I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to be spun all the time. I've known plenty of people who have used it just before work or something (construction) and been able to give it up no issue later on. But like those who use heroin full time, full time meth use tends to be a rather painful lifestyle.
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Thank you for all the responses. I've decided after another try at being off and then ON again, I will go ahead and talk to my drug counselor about what's going on. I will need the support to stick to the right decision. It's hard to leave because he is pretty much my only friend. I haven't learned how to socialize and build connections without the partying. I still have some things to move out of the apartment we got together. I don't live there right now because of the background check they did in his dad shortly after we all got the place together. I was planning to move back in when everything was done.

It's also hard to stick to my decision and keep my distance because of the fact that I believe he really is a good person, and the level of his use (currently) seems pretty innocent, although it feels pretty fucked to be lied to. It really does feel a little bit like being cheated on
 
Reanimator13 is right about your kid and yourself being top priority, in that order. I also understand your struggle with the concept of feeling alone if you leave him. Emotions can be overpowering and overbearing and can cloud ones logic. I think that sometimes it's ok and even necessary to make decisions based on emotion. But looking at this logically, you brought a child into this world and by doing so, you made an unspoken promise to her that you would do everything and anything in your power to give her the best shot at life that you possibly can. You're biggest job, since the day she was born, became taking care of her, protecting her and making sure she has all she needs physically, mentally and emotionally. If she grows up in a house where a parental figure is using drugs, her chances of growing up to become an addict herself, are increased tremendously. The psychological risks are high in that environment as well. I believe most addicts are good people inside. The problem is that the way addiction affects the brain makes it near impossible, if not completely impossible, to be emotionally supportive to anyone else. Your daughter needs healthy role models and adults she can feel confident that she can count on. She won't get that from him and if you end up falling with him, she won't get it from you either which would leave her pretty lost and feeling lonely for a much longer time than you will feel lonely by leaving him. The truth is, it will be hard for you if you leave but it will be temporary and it will pass. You'll learn to socialize without partying and you'll meet someone new who will be safe for your daughter and have positive affects on both your lives. In the meantime you'll learn to find comfort and companionship in your daughter. I am speaking from experience. I kicked a 14 year addiction and part of that process was leaving my boyfriend which was really hard because he was the father of my kids and I was madly in love with him. I'm not going to lie, it was so much harder than I thought it would be and it took me a long time to get over him. In the end, it was the best decision I've ever made. Life really does get better and as a mother, you will feel so happy and satisfied on days you can look back and know that the sacrifices you made gave your daughter a better more nurturing life.
I hope I didn't come off as condescending or harsh because that really is not my intention. I just related to your story and it made me want to reach out and be supportive from one mom to another. I think deep down, you already knew everything I've said but I think it never hurts to hear it come from someone else. I wish you and your daughter all the best.
 
I'm sorry for what you have been through and well done on staying clean now for your child. One year is a massive milestone and no easy task :)

Talk to your partner and see if he is willing to stop.

I am an addict, meth and heroin back in the day, now just heroin and benzos. I cant imagine using meth and being able to function as a parent. I used to love the stuff but just dont think i could deal with it now. My husband is about the furthest thing from an addict you can be. Which makes it hard as he just doesn't get it (I have a total of 17 years clean time with 2 relapses)....but if I was with someone who used drugs I know I would have no chance of staying clean. Unless it lead me to lose my kids. I can only look at this situation as if it were me in it as both a mother and an addict.

We are ALWAYS vulnerable to relapse and rarely can these drugs be used 'occasionally.' As you said you are already planning your relapse in your mind but even if you weren't, being with someone who uses makes it so much more risky any day of the week.

I think having a partner who uses your DOC in particular and being so close to the CPS case coming to and end is massively playing with fire. This is not a judgment AT ALL, I am currently in relapse on heroin (couple of months after 18 years off) so I can promise you I'm in no place to judge, I won't use or have drugs in the house or anything like that but it is FAR FROM IDEAL I know, I am about to check into detox as soon as my husband can get holidays to look after the kids. CPS don't muck around (sometimes.). Even if they get wind that you have a using partner this could jeopardise your future with your child.

I have never had at involvement with them in my own family, I have 5 kids - 6-17, but have seen friends go through it and advocated for a couple and had to make the hard choice to do the right thing to protect the kids on a couple of occasions plus my husband works in the industry so I am familiar with the system in my country at least. Just don't forget you won't be off the radar when the terms of your arrangement come to an end.

I also understand being lonely, I am lonely in my own marriage and have really lost most of my friends over the last few years, plus everything is about the kids really. But if this guy isn't willing to stop for such important reasons then you will meet someone else who won't be so risky, you and your child deserve that as well as deserving a bright and happy future TOGETHER. If you focus on that, the rest will fall into place.

Best of luck and good luck with the CPs involvement coming to an end. I hope this comes across in the light it is intended, it's hard in text :)
 
He's deceiving you honey. No way he's only using once a week. If he's awake and not sleeping off a comedown I'd venture to guess he's spun. For your daughters sake you should leave him. Even if he keeps his shit wired tight how long before you want to dabble? Your daughter coming back is going to create stress that will leave you open to getting burned.
 
heart peep, I hope you can exit this relationship! Alanon is totally called for ASAP.
 
toothpastedog said:
From personal experience (on both sides of the coin), it IS like being cheated on.
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True ?. I have a double life in active addiction that includes sneaking around, lying, covering things up, deleting texts etc etc...not much different to cheating except its the drug you're having an affair with.
 
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