Now what?

[Salemcoyote]

Well, it finally happened: the honeymoon period for heroin has finally ended. I've cycled through just about every drug known to man until I found heroin. It was great the first few years. Now I'm 31 and I feel twicemy age. It cured my boredom and surpressed my pain efficiently all this time, but it ruined my life. I lost my parents, lost my apartment, lost my car. I was homeless. I did LSD and it gave me a newfound perspective on life (or so I convinced myself). I quit heroin altogether, got on methadone maintenance. I'd been on methadone for a year when i was contacted by a literary agent in regard to selling a manuscript I'd written years ago. I should be happy, this is the moment I've been waiting for my entire adult life, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't even feel the same way as I did when I originally wrote the novel. It doesn't accurately reflect me.

After staying clean for so long I finally relapsed, convincing myself it would make me happy. Of course, the methadone diminishes it drastically.

Now what? Where do I go from here?

I wish someone would invent an entirely new class of drugs.

That is all. Thanks for reading.

 

[Jabberwocky]

What dose have you been at?

It sounds like you're going through a difficult time in life. Something like MMT can be a huge help, but it certainly wasn't enough on its own for me (I mean, it was a bedrock of sorts, but it was only one piece of the puzzle).

Are you involved in any hobbies or part of a like minded community of people (doesn't have to be recovery oriented; I'm partial to some of the mindfulness community myself), whether it be an interest in your writing or a group of people you go see music with, a church, whatever.

Something else I also found helpful was tapering very slowly (very slowly) while I experimented with dissociatives and iboga. I found psycadellics and entheogens another piece to the puzzle of my present total disinterest in opioid use. Crazy to think that now it's almost exactly a year since I got off methadone, over three from heroin.

I was fucking miserable for a long time. TBH I'm still not entirely sure how I was able to get out of that rut. It look a lot of small steps of consistent nature bringing me in healthier directions. That kind of approach allows for plenty of mistakes, just in case

 

[Erikmen]

Well, it finally happened: the honeymoon period for heroin has finally ended. I've cycled through just about every drug known to man until I found heroin. It was great the first few years. Now I'm 31 and I feel twicemy age. It cured my boredom and surpressed my pain efficiently all this time, but it ruined my life. I lost my parents, lost my apartment, lost my car. I was homeless. I did LSD and it gave me a newfound perspective on life (or so I convinced myself). I quit heroin altogether, got on methadone maintenance. I'd been on methadone for a year when i was contacted by a literary agent in regard to selling a manuscript I'd written years ago. I should be happy, this is the moment I've been waiting for my entire adult life, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't even feel the same way as I did when I originally wrote the novel. It doesn't accurately reflect me.

After staying clean for so long I finally relapsed, convincing myself it would make me happy. Of course, the methadone diminishes it drastically.

Now what? Where do I go from here?

I wish someone would invent an entirely new class of drugs.

That is all. Thanks for reading.

Thanks for sharing.
I'm impressed that you had such a long honeymoon period. For some people that period is way shorter.
Why did you stop your maintenance with methadone. I'm not quite sure I understood the reason. You could have used it and that would sort of resolve the heroin problem for at least one year. By then you would know what were your options, with a clear mind. Did you come off methadone when you sobered up?

Can you go back to methadone? If not, have you considered quitting without methadone or subs. Or perhaps with Kratom and benzos for the first week only.

I believe most of us have gone through what you are going through so trust me it's totally okay and normal to feel a bit empty or lacking perspectives. Think of that as part of the process that we all go through when we relapse. You can always start over, you have it in you! So it's totally possible.

Things won't feel normal for sometime but you'd be free and that feeling, as you know, can be quite rewarding.

Do you think you can count with someone to be with you for these first days? Would that be possible for you to go to a doctor in order to get prescription meds or even guidance. If not, I would try to simply quit. You could always get some methadone to make it easier. 10 to 30 mg would be more than enough to avoid the worst parts of withdrawal? How often were you using, how many time per day, and what dose?

I agree with TPD, life could be quite miserable and I'm not sure how strong you feel right now in order to go through these first week without anything. I personally think you have it in you since you have done that before but mmt treatment tend to work well, for the first few months you would have the chance to rethink all of the options we are discussing now.

 

[herbavore]

Now what? Where do I go from here?

I wish someone would invent an entirely new class of drugs.

I think that true recovery comes when a person regains the solid connection and engagement with life that exists for every young child--and it is completely possible to do that at any age, but it takes a commitment. What is boredom but a lack of engagement with what is available? This is a big world and there is so much that is available. People feel trapped but they make the traps. Once you start seeing that the root of misery is that you have lost the most important human connection you will ever have--the relationship to yourself--you can begin the process of fashioning a life that is neither boring nor meaningless.

Congratulations on your book. That is no small achievement!

 

[Salemcoyote]

Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it. It's comforting to know that other people feel the same way from time to time.

As for the methadone, it's an ongoing battle. It's kind of like this: when I'm on methadone or heroin I complain about how I want to quit, and as soon as I wake up the next morning sober I run right back to opiods. It's a vicious cycle, been going on and on like this for some time now.

I really really really want to experience MDMA again, but I'm sure you know from reading my other threads it's just not working.

I agree completely that some sort of psychedelic experience is needed. The thing is I tried ibogaine and even THAT didn't cure me of opiods. All it did was make me shit my pants on the way back from Mexico and score dope in TJ.

The one drug I haven't tried is DMT. But then again maybe I am putting too much faith in drugs.

I'm at a point where maybe I just need to get sober altogether.

In any event, thank you both for replying. It made me smile

 

[losangeles1993]

ask the methadpne clinic if you can taper dude...seems like to me you should just try and get sober for a little while...just get high on life and kick it with some bitches and stack up some money and get a car and a apartment and then slowly ease your way back onto H ..I remember one time i got clean for 11 days and 1 shot had me nodding all day ..youll be surprised how quickly and how mich your tolerance drops.

 

[neversickanymore]

Why don't you publish the work anyway. Just because it no longer reflects who you are it still represents who you were.. So why not go ahead with that. It could help you get future works published and possibility get your foot in a few doors.

 

[Salemcoyote]

^

That is what my lit. agent has been telling me as well. You are both right. It's just one of those situations where you look back on your life (or in this case re-read about it) and think to yourself, "I really did that? What was I thinking?"

On top of that my entire family is going to read it and, well, it's not exactly flattering. Of course my parents are proud no matter what and they have promised me they won't be neither offended nor shocked, but still... the whole ordeal is kind of depressing.

But if reading my story can help just one person overcome their addiction then why not, right? My biggest fear is that I have somehow glamorized drug use (my attitude towards drug use in the novel is non-biased - I portray both ends of the spectrum) and that some impressionable youth might be influenced to try heroin because of it. I know I was influenced by Burroughs and Cobain when I was younger and those guys are/were terrible role models.

In any event I just want to thank you guys from the bottom of my heart. Your replies have provided me a source of relief.