Quitting Heroin

[Pillsbury_Dope_Boy]

I'm 25 and I've been an on-and-off junkie for over 6 years. When I say "on-and-off," I mean I don't use when I don't have access to heroin (either due to being broke or being far away from my home city). I have been living overseas for the last 6 months in a country where I have family and have spent many years. I have a girlfriend here who I've known since I was 17, and for years was planning to move to the US with me (we even hired a lawyer and got her a permanent resident visa), but ultimately decided not to move, due to me being a junkie.

For the last 3 or 4 months, I had been clean (because there isn't a big black market for opiates where I'm living) and focusing on getting my life together and repairing my relationship with my girlfriend, and up until last month, it was going fine. Then a month ago I had to make a trip to the US to complete community service I had been ordered to do the last time I was arrested for possession. I ended up going on a 3 weeks-long dope binge and blowing somewhere in between $500-$1000. When I got back home last Saturday, I was rail thin and looked like a junkie. When my girl saw me, she was shocked, and immediately knew I had been using. I'm surprised she is still talking to me. However, she has been very cold to me and can't bring herself to show me any affection.

My family back in the US was having a rough time with all this too. I wasn't able to spend any time with them sober (because I was high all the time). Towards the end of my binge, my parents, who are totally 100% opposed to me using heroin, were actually driving me to go buy it and letting me use in my dad's house, because they were afraid I would OD or get arrested if I was using on the street. I know this is crazy and kind of paranoid on their part, but they were worried all the time and that's how they chose to deal with it, since they knew they couldn't stop me from using.

I've been using kratom to help with the withdrawal, and I'm slowly starting to look and feel better. But in October, I have to make another trip to the US, and I will probably go on another binge. Of course I could cancel the trip and not go, but that's just running away from the problem. What am I going to do, stay away from my home city for the rest of my life and never see friends/family again?

I've been to rehab (inpatient and outpatient) and 12-steps, and I've always hated it. I hate that they require you to be abstinent from all drugs (I still smoke weed and occasionally drink). I hate going to a group or meeting and hearing people talk about using drugs (it triggers me to want to use). And even though I am a drug addict myself, I hate being around other addicts, or at least the types of addicts who go to 12-step meetings. Also, I'm not someone who can just walk into a room full of strangers and feel comfortable (quite the opposite, actually). So for those reasons, I feel like rehab/group therapy is counterproductive for me.

I don't know what to do to quit. If I'm being totally honest, I don't even know if I want to quit. I don't want to lose my girl, my future, my family, etc. (which will probably happen if I keep using), but that's different from actually wanting to quit.

My parenets have suggested I go on Vivitrol, but I have always been afraid that the antagonist effects of the Vivitrol would make me feel like shit all the time, and I would have no way to get relief since the Vivitrol would block all opiates. Also, Vivitrol would not stop me from using, it would only delay it for a month until the effects wear off and I can get high again. Vivitrol might be a solution if I'm taking a short trip to the US, but it's not really a long-term solution to the problem.

Anyway, I don't really know what the fuck to do. What's the point of investing time and energy trying to get a job/study/repair strained or broken relationships if I know I'm just gonna go back to being a junkie as soon as I get a chance? Hell, I was even considering downloading Tor and getting some Bitcoin to try and order some drugs in the mail.

I wish I had never tried heroin, but now that I know what it feels like, I will always want it. There's no going back. Even if I somehow manage to get clean and stay clean, I will always have the urge to use and will have to struggle against it constantly, or live my whole life somewhere where I don't have easy access to it.

 

[Leontios]

I can certainly understand how you're feeling. The depression and sadness that follows quitting heroin is much worse to deal with than the physical withdrawal symptoms in the first week of being clean. If it's any comfort, it will get better over time. Not for a while, though, but if you do stay clean the urge to use will gradually fade over time. For me it was strong for a couple of years, I was dreaming about heroin non-stop and I felt little to none pleasure over most aspects of my life. Now it has been 8 or 9 years since I used heroin last, and I don't get cravings to use very often and when I do, they are nowhere as strong as they used to be.

 

[neversickanymore]

Blocking the opiates seems like a good short term solution.

I have been in and out of the fellowships a few times. I have five years off the opiates soon, but ended up falling into a bottle of booze. This time I'm going with the complete abstinence.. I'm just a little farther down the road and there really isn't anything left out there for me.

I'll smoke some grass occasionally in a few years if I decide that's the way I want to go but my menus is full of red check marks that mean if I order that I'm going to be miserable.


Found a real good group in NA.. Maybe check it out again if you ever have had enough. Make sure you don't OD while your jumping in and out.

Your obviously worrying allot of people and also putting people at risk.. I'm sure you realize this, but you might want to think over that a bit.

Seems like your still in a really pretty good place.. It gets worse quick.

Find a recovery plan taking from every good place you can find.

 

[johnnypotsmoker199]

To start off, I don't honestly believe you will ever quit unless you truly feel you want to. Knowing that something is bad or harmful isn't enough.

I would think about all the pain and set backs the drug has caused you and until you are at the point where you truly have exhausted the life style. Try to focus your attention on the life style and build the hate that comes with the consumption of the drug over extended periods.

For me, it took a bit. I was at the point where I was using to just feel normal and that was when I had enough. Being a slave to the drug and spending 90% of my free time wither getting the drug or somehow consumed by how I would get the drug next.

It's easy to be consumed by the lifestyle that the drug produces. Always something to do, always something to think about.

I would recommend first making that decision whether you want to quit. Reflect.

Then look into ways to quit. If kratom isn't working for you, then you can always look into methadone which may work better to get you on the legal side of your opiate addiction.

 

[Pillsbury_Dope_Boy]

I don't think I will go on methadone or Suboxone. I was on subs for 2 years, and it was basically just trading one addiction for another. Suboxone didn't get me high like heroin, but I was unmotivated to do anything and sleeping until 4-5 PM every day. Most importantly, I was still using heroin whenever I had the chance. If I had some money to buy dope, I would just skip my Suboxone dose that morning.

I ran out of kratom this week so I've been taking Imodium. Other than the constipation and dry skin/mouth, it is working fine. I know I'm just delaying the inevitable withdrawal I will go through eventually, but I just can't deal with it right now.

I am clean for now, since I don't have easy access to dope where I am. I guess that is a temporary solution. However, it would really suck to never be able to go visit friends/family back in the US because of my dope problem.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it.