My first gay experience

[Vin58]

I.m 58 and have never spoken openly about an experience i had as a13 year old. I was young and confident a naughty lad very cocky thought i knew about life I was drinking and smoking usual teenage stuff.I met a man he would have been at a guess in his late 30's his name was Malcolm a local DJ he was friendly and after a while invited me to help him on an evening gig and as it would be a late finish stay at his place. The alarm bells didnt ring even when my Father warned me about certain men.
There was no gig we met he plied me with drink and excuses and back to his flat he encouraged me to get in to bed with him I still didnt think anything was wrong but when he began to touch me I froze with fear here was the reality I let him do what he wanted he put my hand on his now erect penis and he started to masturbate me he was kissing and touching me I laid still till he finished. In the morning I left I was terrified people would find out think I was gay.
It changed me I became quiet and withdrawn unable to concentrate I felt a failure.
It took me many years to come to terms with it I married and raised three children but the memory never left me.
I have since had gay experiences which i have enjoyed
Talking about it has helped

 

[augustaB]

Congratulations on coming out, at least to yourself.
We are imprinted with all kinds of rubbish when we are young, including that same sex sex is bad.
What was bad is that this older man used you for his own pleasure.
I had a similar experience when I was 17 and a much older man came into my room, sucked my cock and then fucked me.
The worst thing for me at that time, is that despite the initial pain, I came and felt pleasure.
Like you I felt enormous guilt. I felt sullied, and vulnerable. Also certain other men seemed to sense this and would make advances.
I don't know if the experience made me gay, as I had already had masturbation sex with other boys, but what I do know is that he had no right to coerce me into sex.
I developed violently anti-gay attitudes later on, but at a later age recognized that I had been wrong and had a gay lover for a while.
The thing that helped me most was to take mdma and talk the whole thing through.
If you want to pm, you are welcome.

 

[ZayKayWill]

I'm confused. Did you actually enjoy it or were you raped...?

 

[Vin58]

No I didnt enjoy it but in terms of rape there was no penetration I didnt cum but with my hand on his penis he thrust until he came and then it stopped

 

[spacejunk]

I'm confused. Did you actually enjoy it or were you raped...?

the two aren't mutually exclusive. the physical pleasure of non-consensual sex is often really confusing for victims of rape and other sexual assaults.
so it's not as simple as to say someone 'enjoyed' (some part of) it or they were raped or taken advantage of.

i think this is especially true for victims of childhood sexual abuse or those that are for one reason or another, sexually naive - like people with intellectual disabilities, for example.

 

[augustaB]

the two aren't mutually exclusive. the physical pleasure of non-consensual sex is often really confusing for victims of rape and other sexual assaults.
so it's not as simple as to say someone 'enjoyed' (some part of) it or they were raped or taken advantage of.

i think this is especially true for victims of childhood sexual abuse or those that are for one reason or another, sexually naive - like people with intellectual disabilities, for example.

This is very true. As I tried to convey in my own post it's the reaction of your own body that causes so much doubt afterwards. I enjoyed it so I must have wanted it etc.
It took me years to realize that that man broke all boundaries of decency and what happened was not my fault.
This one of the reasons why rape is so traumatic and harmful to a person's development.
Thank you for understanding that spacejunk

 

[Ds]

I was really high on meth once and let a gay man trim my pubes and suck my dick.
I also went walking with some dude,we sat on a wooden bench and all the suddon some porn pictures appeared and needless to say he started sucking me off.
Once again i was smoking spice and got stuck,dude whippd my dick out and started sucking.
There was another time my dick was sucked,don't remember much.

I'm okay with it today lol. Seems like it happens to the best of us, glad you were able to overcome that feeling of being alone,because your not.

 

[xdressingdonna]

I was always effeminate so I had a few guys hit on me. There was this one older guy who was very nice looking and he worked in a convenience store his brother owned. We got to talking and after his shift was up, we went and had an ice cream cone. He asked me up to his apartment and I was holding a glass while he was pouring me a coke and he kissed me. I put down the glass and I kissed him back. He pushed me to my knees and took out his penis and told me to kiss it. The next thing I knew I was was sucking him and he came in my mouth. I spit it out and I wiped him and me off with a towel and left, disgusted that he came in my mouth. I couldn't stop thinking about what I did and so I went back to see him a week later. He wasn't even surprised that I was wearing a training bra and panties. We had sex again and just about every week night all that summer.