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Mdma recovery! Please help.. anyone with similar experience ? Please! This is hell

You haven't seen any improvement in two years ? That scares me... I can't be like this forever... I did a 4 day binge on mdma.
 
The pills aren't helping at all? Ive only been on meds for like 5 weeks now.. but they arnt doing shit. I started Effexor about a week ago too.
 
Thats ok, im in Risperdal 2mg, yeah two years and i made a little bit of improvement, im socializing more, drawing, working. But when there is no drive to live its like i dont want to live sometimes. My doc said that medication kill your drive to live, so i think when we are on meds we feel like shit. This month i should be lowering my doses and see how it goes, maybe my brain recovered and i can live without them. But it takes time to recover after you quit meds, to dopamine receptors regenerate. Because meds are blocking it and thats why you cant feel all those feeling. I cant be sad, cant be happy either, cant fall in love, thats craaazy!
 
I definitely get what you mean by the can't fall in love part.. I was so in love with my boyfriend of two years and even talking about getting married and then boom I just didn't feel love for him or my dogs anymore.. ended up losing all 3 of them :/
 
Hello and much love Ihatenotfeeling. You'll be okay! It will take some time but hang in there. I experienced a similar psychic devastation after 5 years of pretty heavy psychedelic/stimulant/opiate abuse, often in combination and including binges. I found myself in a state very similar to yours in which I enjoyed nothing, had no energy, no desire to get out of bed, and obsessive suicidal thoughts. Basically severe depression with a splash of inability to think clearly or express myself. I could hardly talk straight when trying to describe what I was experiencing or trying to tell stories, etc. I was feeling something like a literal road-block in my thought process, which manifested itself in a high pressure-like sensation in my forehead and top of my skull, causing the aforementioned inability to think clearly and express myself. i'm a fairly intelligent and thoughtful young man but I felt "blank", or grey, and my behavior and thought-process reflected this. I basically became mentally slow and very depressed, would cry for no good reason and felt despair and severe hopelessness.

Eventually I approached a physician when I reached a point that I was thinking about acting on my suicidal thoughts and how to go about it and, without saying too much to a doctor I was unfamiliar with, informed her that I was suffering from depression and crippling anxiety. I began the long process of finding an appropriate anti-depressant, eventually ending up on Cymbalta (which happens to block MDMA and MDMA-like drugs from interacting with receptors) after trying Lamictal, Wellbutrin and Effexor. I was using opiates (hydrocodone, oxy, dilaudid, kratom as the glue holding it all together) to cope with the numbness I was feeling and ultimately acquired a pretty severe dependence. Eventually, after falling deeper into depression I went through an opiate detox and rehabilitation. 2 and a half years of opiate addiction treatment, and abstinence from party drugs, later and I still have a tinge of the road-block sensation, but have regained my ability to enjoy myself and think/speak clearly. Things are much better now. I've been able to accomplish goals that I've had since before my days of partying and have found purpose in life.

My suggestion to you is to hang in there, continue searching for an anti-depressant that works for your mind and body. If a med doesn't jive with you after a month of taking it, it's time to try another. Sticking with a med that doesn't help you will get you nowhere. Absolutely cut out illicit drugs that interact with your serotonin and dopamine levels, I even had to cut cannabis out of my life (never thought I'd do this) because I found it only enhanced my emotional instability. I found an addiction counselor I could connect with to have another set of eyes on me and who I was able to comfortably bounce thoughts between. If this is relevant to you, I highly suggest doing this if you're able at all, but I don't know if you suffer from the disease or if you were just "having fun". Trust that things will get better and can begin to do so fairly quickly, though perhaps not at an amazing rate and not incredibly notably. Improvement will be subtle at first. You won't suddenly wake up one day feeling normal. I still experience the pressure in my brain that I mentioned, but it's not crippling as it was and it continues to diffuse to this day. I think I really started noticing improvement a little over a year later. Recognize that you've done some damage to your receptors and it will take time to heal. In the meantime, try to find a goal that you can begin to work towards. Keep your loved-one's/friends who understand the situation close and take it one day at a time. DO NOT TAKE ANY MORE PSYCHEDELICS/STIMULANTS.

People have done incredible damage to their brains and psyche and come back from it, you can too! I believe in you! Much love and I hope this helps a bit. -Snap.
 
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I wish i could cry :D yes i can feel fear, i have phobia for big dogs, so when im around them i feel a little bit anxious, thats it :D
 
It gets better I guarantee and can all be triggered by your worry trust me I'm a male 5'7 and 136 never used ecstacy before until a month of wanting to "see what it would feel like" but before hand I had anxiety bouts but where diagnosed and depressions because I was away from my family into recently. Everything was fine until it got to the point I was taking them in fragments with not respect of the drug. The side effects didn't kick in till about 2 weeks after me stopping using and that's when the rollercoaster begain. Suicidal tendendices, vomiting, depressions, depersonalization, left arm and chest tightness and palpitations insued i got extremely concerned to the point of crying because I was really scared about what was happening to my mind and body. I never felt anything of this magnitude and things worried me up until today that I went to finally get it out my head and went to the ER, honestly had to exaggerate a bit to get them to take my issues seriously and don't regret it because they will usually brush you off and send you home which will only make you worry because you have no real issues to them. Today and a month ago was when this started, most of the things faded like suicidal tendencies, left arm and chest tightness, vomiting, depersonalization, and forgot to mention the first few weeks I had brain zaps which now are not as bad but I notice when I worry they will a bit more intense. They ran brain scans, chest X-rays, blood work and a urine sample to see if anything was internally and other wrong with me. Glad to be reported back that it was all good, and I just needed that final confirmation I guess to put my mind at ease. I was prescribed Prozac and Xanax. Prozac to keep me leveled to curve anxiety and depression (which I had) and Xanax for panic attacks (but don't want to take those). If you scroll threw threads you'll see some have gone threw it and if not much MUCH worse. It all gets better trust me I was a nervous wreck and my wife had to constantly counsel me threw the whole mess and she is real calm which helps me sooth threw it all. The thing is you will get better that's a guarantee, no you did not do anything internal and everything will sort itself out but if your like me and panic and see heart attack or other things when googling your symptoms it will only freak you out trust me I know and why I ended up going to the ER twice. The fact that ecstacy can deplete serotonin and guess what it combats anxiety so without serotonin it will cause you to feel amplified anxionous and anxiety along with panic attacks. I had them, it feels like I'm not at my normal self at times and certain things trigger my anxiety like never before which caused me to no longer indulge with pot and I was a everyday all day toker. You'll probably read this post and think "people don't know what I feel I'm different" or maybe not but that's how it went for me at least thinking I did something terribly wrong to myself. But it's all takes time and you need to treat yourself as if your recovering from a wound and give your body and mind the love and attention it needs. The more you stress the less time you'll have to recover and will keep you in a tense state which slows recovery. Again I'm in my recovery state and still have my anxiety and panic attacks at times but I notice if I don't pay mind to it I can function I just try and take it day by day and give it time to get better. My best wishes on a speedy recovery, I'm in he same boat and recovering to get myself back if not to a better understanding of myself I didn't know before hand.
 
Thanks for the post dank. I just feel so empty though.. like mine isn't just depression. Its amphedima.. I can't enjoy anything or have any happiness what so ever. I don't even feel like myself... and all my joints are fucked and I feel like I have oa all over my body so that's freaking me out even more... like if I even rotate my arms they pop crack snap and grind... everything is popping so bad... stretches and walking arnt helping... everything just keeps getting worse.. my suicidal tendencies won't go away.. I think about it all day everyday but I'm too scared and I really don't want to die but I have in my head that it's the only option... I can't be like this forever and I definitely don't want to be in a wheel chair in a few years and not be able to move any part of my body.. like that is so scary... Hiking and the gym was my love and I'm not even going to be able to do that.
 
That's the thing about drugs I can 100% guarantee it's the same thing I'm undergoing right now I had to seriously cut things I once enjoyed and have to ask myself how will I be the same if I can't do what I loved before? The mind itself seems to be rewiring at the moment and like I said just needs love. Do you have someone you can talk to like a friend or parent who can help you cope? It felt like hell and honestly didn't know how I would've got threw these horrible stages, each passing day it's gets easier and if you now it will get better you just have to believe it, I'm really sorry for what your going threw as I'm writing now I'm thinking to myself what path will I take in order to change what I loved so much and it's scary but something I have to eventually see if not I'm going to lose everything. I know most people can't afford a psychiatrist but have you considered the possibility? May taking some prescribed meds? I was the type of person to be all against it but ever since I started taking Prozac for now (3 days now) I noticed a significant change in my mood and breathing compared to always feeling I couldn't breath which would scare me. Again dont give up, you are strong by going threw this and continuing to fight.
 
Yeah it's absolute hell not being able to even enjoy sitting down and watching your used to be favorite tv shows... like I can't enjoy literally anything. Yes I have a psychiatrist and I'm on 3 different meds right now.. I've been on abilify for 6 weeks now... I've been on Wellbutrin for 5 weeks and Effexor for about a week and a half.. nothing is helping.. I'm in panic mode everyday wanting to die.. especially because of my joint situation also.. I don't want to be crippled in a few years.. and it's every joint... ankles, wrist, chest, back, neck, toes, knees, elbows, shoulder, hips, you name it.. it's popping and cracking ridiculous amounts everyday..
 
I go back to see him the 28th of next month... so he will probably change all my meds.. I'm literally crawling through the days though... I try to just sleep as much of it away as I can... I've been sleeping like 12 hours a day or more now.
 
How do you even know whats working or whats not with all that.

Also may need to consider getting a better doc if the current one sucks and isnt helping.
 
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