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TDS Very heavy polysubstance addict in need of help! as many as 6 drugs per day

Y

YuppTrees

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 3, 2016
Messages
16
Heavy polysubstance addict needs help, often getting high over a dozen times a day

I've known for a while that I'm an addict. SWIM is very deep into a polydrug addiction. I'm young, very young. I've smoked weed for 4 years, only in the past 2 years have I smoked multiple times per day. Before 16 months ago I'd only ever tried alcohol several times, nicotine and weed. I never thought I'd try anything else. I thought those were inherently safe and everything else was inherently dangerous. I did my research and realized I was not correct. I tried LSD to cure my social anxiety and for the most part it did. From them until now, I've tried an additional 17 substances (including more mild ones like phenibut and kratom, but not caffeine)


Here is a sample of my drug use I did a couple months back:
***To clear something up, the numbers at the top of each box are dates. They're irrelevant but help organize the days***


3-3
650mg MDMA
LSD 1/8 tab
3 doses kratom
5 bowls cannabis


3-4
LSD 1/8 tab
5 bowls cannabis
3 doses kratom
200mg caffeine


3-5
60mg phenibut
120mg caffeine
3 doses kratom
3 bowls cannabis


3-6
100mg phenibut
60mg caffeine
3 doses kratom
3 bowls cannabis

3-7
4 doses kratom
2 bowls cannabis


3-8
400mg phenibut
120mg caffeine
3 bowls cannabis


3-9
4 bowls cannabis
500mg MDMA
3 doses kratom


3-10
7 bowls cannabis
4 doses kratom
60mg caffeine
60mg phenibut
2.5 beers


3-11
LSD 1/2 tab
8 bowls cannabis
125mg phenibut
5 beers
60mg caffeine


3-12
500mg MDMA
3 beers
4 bowls cannabis
Codeine


3-13
LSD 1/3 tab
Caffeine 180mg
4 bowls cannabis
700mg Kanna
3 doses kratom
3 beers


3-14
1 beer
5 bowls cannabis
3 doses kratom




3-15
LSD 1/6 tab
Phenibut 300mg
Caffeine 60mg
3 doses kratom
2 bowls cannabis


3-16
LSD 1/4 tab
Phenibut 300mg
3 doses kratom
2 bowls cannabis


3-17
Adderall 15mg IR
Adderall 15mg XR
4 bowls cannabis
3 doses kratom




3-18
LSD 2/3 tab
Phenibut 60mg
Caffeine 120mg
5 bowls cannabis
2 doses kratom


3-19
Adderall 25mg
Cannabis 3 bowls
Phenibut 400mg
3 shots vodka
1 doses kratom


3-20
2 bowls cannabis
Adderall 15mg
2 doses kratom


3-21
1 dose kratom
3 bowls marijuana
60mg phenibut


3-22
Adderal 15mg
1 dose kratom
1/6 tab LSD
120mg caffeine


3-23
4 bowls marijuana
1/5th of vodka
2 doses kratom


3-24
Adderall 15mg
5 bowls marijuana
Most of 1/5th vodka
2 doses kratom


3-25
280mg MDMA
1/2 tab LSD
3 doses kratom
7 bowls marijuana
2.5 shots


3-26
3 bowls marijuana
4 doses kratom


3-27
10mg Adderall
5 bowls marijuana
60mg caffeine
3 doses kratom


3-28
1/5th vodka
5 bowls marijuana
4 doses kratom


3-29
1/5th vodka
5 bowls marijuana
500mg phenibut
180mg caffeine
2 doses kratom

I do need to do something though. I don't enjoy it near as much as I used to. Now it feels like a necessity. I will do anything to get my high. I will make excuses to go to the bathroom at work to vape to get my nic fix, I will go into the stalls in the bathrooms to dumb kratom under my tongue and wash it down at the water fountain. I don't want to quit. I have an obsession that I know I will always have with states of the altered mind. I do need to cut back heavily though. I spend about 1/3 of my part-time income on substances (bear in mind I get great prices)

It's gotten to the point where my memory is remarkably shitty. What I did the night before is usually very blurry. I feel that I need to be high every waking moment. The first thing I do is get my nic buzz, then I rarely go a half hour without taking kratom, then before walking out the door I smoke, and I smoke during any break I can find in the day, often in slightly risky situations. I've already started running about 25 minutes in the morning 4 days a week and improved my diet. I do a horrible job occupying myself and it's very difficult to get to anything interesting where I live and I feel like my dopamine synapses have been upregulated to the point that things are far less enjoyable. I have an extremely addictive personality, this goes toward media, people, and of course drugs. Lately I've been largely cutting out the adderall (that was mostly a 2 week binge) and I'm drinking about 3 fifths of alcohol per month, and have been spacing taking MDMA out by 4 to 6 weeks. So this is good progress, but I hinder it by smoking as many as a dozen times a day.

How can I decrease my use. Right now it feels too difficult. I consume all these drugs and only weigh 145lbs. Any ideas?
Thank you.
 
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I mean thats a bunch of drugs, but not like an INSANE ammount of drugs or anything. Its def a real problem, but its not like you have an IV speedball addiction or something. Not trying to undermine your pain and addiction. I knwo even a weed addiction fucked me up. I don't think anybody can understand your 3-29 3-8 numbering system. I have no idea what that means. How long have you been doing this? My advice: DONT DO OPIATES
 
Def won't do oipiates. I've realized why they were so addicting with kratom alone. It's not to the point that it's horrible, but it still interferes with pretty much every aspect of my life. Sorry the "numbering system" is in reference to the date. This had been going on for a year. Usually I justify it by saying that each individual drug is not that bad, but I keep getting mild health issues and feelings of emptiness that don't feel natural. The quantity seems to be taking its toll.
 
Yupp, have you tried asking yourself why you are doing this? When I was young (also very young, like you) I abused any drug I could get my hands on. Fortunately I survived those years intact (I never got addicted to anything I tried but wasn't really enamored with those substances anyway). The way I dealt with it was by getting more interested in understanding myself (and healing myself) than in escaping myself. What is it you are trying to escape? It could be simply boredom; it could be an abusive or dysfunctional home-life; it could be low self-esteem. Maybe a toxic stew of everything?
 
This list is mostly harmless, except MDMA. It's adviced to use 1.5 to 2 times your bodyweight in milligrams, every 3 months at most.
You used 1930 mg in 22 days. Thats excessive.
I seriously advice to not use MDMA/XTC for the remainder of 2017.

Vazkor
 
I'm not saying I have the worst drug addiction possible, I'm saying it is starting to go down that path and want help finding ways to cutback, or what things you guys have tried that helps, because it's starting to feel like a dead end.
 
^Yes, this is why I asked if you have considered why you need to be high all the time? It does not matter how much you do, what types of drugs you do, how it compares to anyone else, etc. The only thing that matters is that it feels like a problem to you. That means that you have a struggle going on in your own head (thus, your life). Any struggle like this is remedied by these steps: 1) determine what you are getting from the drug use. 2) ask yourself how else could you meet those needs? 3) start implementing the changes in small steps.
 
d3athadone said:
I mean thats a bunch of drugs, but not like an INSANE ammount of drugs or anything. Its def a real problem, but its not like you have an IV speedball addiction or something. Not trying to undermine your pain and addiction. I knwo even a weed addiction fucked me up. I don't think anybody can understand your 3-29 3-8 numbering system. I have no idea what that means. How long have you been doing this? My advice: DONT DO OPIATES
Click to expand...

Reiterating this: DO NOT DO OPIATES DO NOT SAVE YOURSELF SAVE YOURSELF PERCOCET VICODIN NO MATTER IT ALL LEADS TO IV HEROIN WAY TOO FREQUENTLY FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME.

I cannabis addiction fucked me up to, pretty bad too but nothing like what I'm going through now. I used to smoke two ounces a week, grow my own, hit shatter all day... it ended up really fucking my mental health, or at least making it much worse than it already was. Trust me things can get A LOT worse. DO NOT. I repeat, DO NOT try opiates and I'd even get rid of the kratom if I were you. It tickles the opioid receptors.
 
YuppTrees-

You decide if your behavior is an addiction to you, you are the only one who knows. Definition of addiction, your life is no longer manageable without or because of your substance use. It sounds like you are uncomfortable, but not able to stop. No matter how little or how much you use, that one sentence sums up why you are asking. Please do not feel you need to justify that this is a problem for you, you don't.

In looking at your list, I also see a large desire to avoid something in your life. It may not even be something you think of as 'bad', maybe even something that you are not conscious of happening. However, as you seem to primarily using substances that let you leave things 'blurry' or 'alter your state of mind', it seems that leaving reality far behind you is important to you. What are you blurring? What are you altering? What is it that has you skipping past what Herbavore is asking and only responding to the posts that are responding negatively to your request for help?

I hope you can see this, and especially Herbavore's posts. I have read a lot here, and Herbavore has a lot of good information for someone in your situation. I hope you can find out what it is your escaping, deal with that, and you won't have to run away with substances anymore.

To those who said things like 'that's all?'- What if you had asked for help when that was 'all'? Do you think you would have ended up where you could tell a person that their use was nothing when they used 17 NEW substances in a 16 month period that it wasn't much? I haven't used 16 substances in my entire life, however I spent years identifying as an addict!
 
I think I saw people saying "pffft" and shit like that to your list. Yeah - you use pretty mild drugs, but that is not the point. The point is that these patterns of behaviour are what lead to serious drug abuse down the road. You are a prime candidate for cocaine or heroin addiction down the road (judging by your list, I'd say you have more of a proclivity for more serious downer drugs like heroin or other opiates and benzodiazepines over stimulants. So, you need to be aware of just how much worse this can get.

It is the summertime here and our summers are short. I just missed out on 3 beautiful summer days with like 30C sunny weather. I spent the first two days mostly laying in bed, experiencing what I can only describe as physical torture. I didn't really complain as I'm getting quite used to it. The third day, today, I got my heroin back and it was a recovery day. I did my first dose and immediately passed out for nearly 4 hours, all afternoon. Woke up in a daze and realized I hadn't eaten a meal in nearly 3 whole days. All I had eaten were bananas and I drank a little grapefruit juice. Normally I am really into yoga and healthy vegetarian eating but I barely had the strength to get upstairs and pour myself a glass of juice. Also, on the third day, today, I had one of the longest mornings of my life waiting on my dope. It was honestly hell and that's when I start complaining. I notice how my physique is really declining because I can't exercise or eat anything normal, and I get sick and tired of throwing days of my life down the drain when life is short and I need to be enjoying myself.

This is how it starts. For myself it was cannabis. I used cannabis as an escape, smoking around 2 ounces a week plus hash, hash oil... it was really just a disgusting attempt to identify myself with something and a feeble attempt to avoid facing problems in my life. Sure it was "just weed", like I can see how you use "just kratom", but it was a habitual drug pattern, and a really nasty, unhealthy one at that. I no longer use cannabis at all because I am furious at myself for not recognizing that these habitual escapist drug patterns even with so-called soft drugs can lead to much more serious problems down the road. Eventually I started getting panic attacks every time I smoked pot, and quickly sought alternatives in benzos and opiates.

By the way, you are probably using low doses of LSD as an antidepressant. I kind of feel like you might have a little anxiety and depression (not to judge, I have a lot). But, there are much stronger and more effective drugs than the ones you are using, that continue to work for longer periods of time, and it's really best that you don't get into them.

I would really recommend a healthy diet if you don't have that, you are fuckin yourself.I am personally a vegetarian but that is just a dietary choice, everything I eat consists of raw foods cooked or prepared in a delicious manner. I'd also strongly recommend yoga, especially yin yoga. It's a more passive / meditation style of yoga that is really calming for the mind and leads to enhanced sensory perception and self awareness. Please find healthy outlets that will improve your state of mind, before your list of drugs gets any worse (poly drug abuse like that is a bad sign, because you could probably find a single drug that would do everything for you, and you would certainly prefer that. DO NOT try opiates, not even once. And kratom is already sort of an opiate I'd honestly cut that drug out first, completely, as in just never do it again).

You're also smoking way too much weed in my opinion. And WAY too much Mdma. A highly regarded member of ecstasy discussion here used to bring up a study a lot, that mentioned that cannabis users were much more likely to experience side effects from Mdma use. I personally use Mdma once every two years, at no higher dose than 150mg. You are using way, way, way too much M and if you don't stop, it's going to fucking destroy you. And that is so predictable I can say that with absolute certainty. It doesn't even take long, and then you'll probably be looking for drugs you never thought you'd ever do just to feel somewhat normal again. Trust me, being normal or good and sober is totally under-rated.

I would just quit everything. None of that stuff is very hard to get off. Get out while you still can. Don't even smoke weed anymore, it's a nasty bad habit to be smoking all that weed in my opinion. There is a difference between the reality of things and what is deemed socially acceptable. Just because smoking a lot of pot to escape your problems and fuck off from reality is considered more and more socially acceptable, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do - especially for addictive personalities. Try to go a couple weeks without it and see how you feel, a lot of people claim they are not addicted but have zero appetite off the stuff and freak out mentally, get really angry over nothing. A lot of people smoke because they need it to be calm since they smoked too much and can't handle sobriety anymore, and just go with the stoner culture image. I've seen this so many times, I'm sure a lot of people disagree but I'm guilty of the same behaviour. I am biased because I despise stoner culture, I think it's retarded. In fact, I would puke my guts out if I tried to eat food and I wasn't stoned. I don't even vomit in opiate withdrawal although it sure is lightyears worse that it makes that point irrelevant.
 
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All I've got to say is from experience slow your roll. That reminds me of my regimine when I was 16 only it was Norco instead of kratom and Xanax over phenibuit. But if you're young and feel the need the experiment like this, one thing will lead to another and you might push your luck and get involved something you really can't get out of. I used to be totally against anything hard, not saying you are into anything like that, but you're on your way. Iactually beat the shit out of my friend for getting stuck on oxy when I was 19, 6 years later I was banging a half gram of H a day. Im almost a year straight kratom help save my life, but right now you take it for fun, but I had to take spoonfuls equalling ounces a day just to feel normal when dealing with w/d and PAWS. Be smart, be safe, don't push your luck, but most of all best of luck.
 
Personally I think you should keep a careful eye on the phenibut and adderall usage. Those two are the most harmful for long term. I wouldn't worry so much about the kratom, caffeine or cannibas usage. Cut out the adderall, phenibut, lsd, and MDMA. They throw the brain wayyy off. Stick with the others and slowly scale back. That is my advice. Caffeine and cannibas don't even worry about at all, just focus on getting the kratom to dose every other day. If you have the shits or anything take loperamide as directed, which you can get OTC. Try yoga, exercise or if you need a rush try skydiving, rock climbing or paintball. You'll end up spending the same amount money that you would on drugs probably. The goal is to be happy without substances, IMO. Find activities that are stimulating enough and the biggest issue, is usually finding a job that is rewarding. I abuse substances, because my job isn't challenging or rewarding enough. You may be the same.
 
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You seem really determined to avoid reality at all costs. Perhaps you should explore that before anything.

I don't think there's anything I can tell you to make you even remotely self aware at this point, you're pretty deep into this. Just know that speaking from experience when reality catchs up with you at this level of drug use, the real trip begins! When a tidal wave approaches your psyche, do you want to be in a boat far off any known territory, or on the shore?
 
Thanks to anyone who gave (useful/applicable) feedback!

Unlike many in my family, I don't seem to have much trouble with opiates. I've never had oxy or codeine urges despite doing it on occasion. I did MDMA twice this weekend. Horrible idea! Earlier I felt pretty horrible, but a cocktail of drugs later and I feel OKAY. I think that MDMA and weed are having the biggest effect on my short term memory issues which are becoming both annoying and embarrassing. For example, if I start just coming up with random numbers in my head, 7,2,4,9,3,8, anything beyond 5 or 6 numbers and I immediately forget all of them. I'm certainly no good at playing 'simon'.

I can't tell what I'm running from in regards to being sober. I think it is simply a concoction of stress, boredom and loneliness. I know there is no one stop answer to this. Consciously, I don't want to stop, but I need to get it under control atleast. I'm at the point that I feel it isn't improving my life much at all, and is instead a complete burden. Despite my actions this last weekend being idiotic, there is a saying "Before things get better they must get worse." Maybe this is what I needed. My incredibly positive view of substances is slowly going away. I feel that it should be added that I struggle with some anxiety, but not too much above normal, but also strong depression and OCD. I feel the OCD to constantly feel my best is really fueling a lot of my substance use. I feel that the body high of a nicotine buzz immediately in the morning is what sets off the spark to chase a high. I'm going to try and cut back on everything, but nicotine in particular.

I SUCK at occupying myself and living this far away from anything also plays a huge role. I rarely watch movies and often watch reruns of the same shows I'm used to. I need to broaden my horizons in life beyond my immediate awareness.
 
YuppTrees said:
Thanks to anyone who gave (useful/applicable) feedback!

I feel the OCD to constantly feel my best is really fueling a lot of my substance use.

Could ^ be what you are running from? Maybe a little work on accepting yourself will help you not want to create a fantasy world?

I SUCK at occupying myself and living this far away from anything also plays a huge role. I rarely watch movies and often watch reruns of the same shows I'm used to. I need to broaden my horizons in life beyond my immediate awareness.
Click to expand...

How about books? Friends? Hiking?

Being the age you are is the closest you will ever get to certifiably insane, with out actually being. Keeping busy help, cutting yourself the slack to be your age will too! I hope you find a hobby that will entertain your brain!
 
cyberius said:
You seem really determined to avoid reality at all costs. Perhaps you should explore that before anything.

I don't think there's anything I can tell you to make you even remotely self aware at this point, you're pretty deep into this. Just know that speaking from experience when reality catches up with you at this level of drug use, the real trip begins! When a tidal wave approaches your psyche, do you want to be in a boat far off any known territory, or on the shore?
Click to expand...

Very true. I would seriously consider doing something about it now rather than later. Life sucks I know but this can be a pain in the ass for the rest of your life, although you might not see this coming. Just stop and think about where this is leading you.
 
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