Im a shitty brother... Can someone help?

[nancy145]

I think this goes in TDS but I don't wanna post something there if it doesn't belong there.
I'm 17 and have a 13 year old sister and really need advice because I'm just really not a good brother and I make her upset. We get along well and really care about each other, but I always dissapoint her and make her upset. I have really bad energy and motivation problems, I've seen multiple doctors and they don't know exactly why or what disorder it is, but it's a legitimate medical issue, I'm not just lazy. I just have a really hard time doing anything. I cant even go to school because I miss literally 2-3 days a week cuz I just can't get up and go. I have to have a special program where teachers come to my house once a week per subject for 2 hours and no homework. There's been months where I couldn't even brush my teeth at all cuz it was just too much to handle. The last 5 years I've just shoved her to the side, not because I didn't care but because I didn't have the energy to do anything. She would ask me to play a game with her, and I wanted to, but I just couldnt, so I would say maybe later legitimately wanting to later, and end up spending time with her like once every other week. I know most siblings don't get along and just fight all the time, but this is worse. She actually cares about me, and I always treat her like she doesn't matter. I've been doing better the last couple months, but I'm still not enough. I made it to her soccer game today, something that's really important to her, for the second time in the 8 years she's been playing soccer. I figured it would make her happy, and I think it did, but it still isn't enough. On the way home, she really wanted to stop at Starbucks. Me, being the fucked up asshole I am, couldn't handle doing anything more after being out for 2 hours. I really let her down there, and she said "fine, I'll just die of thirst, because joe needs to get home right now to sit on the couch". It made me feel misreble about myself. I started crying, and cried the rest of the way home. She didn't notice till a minute before we got back (she was in the front and the air conditioning was really loud), and asked if I was OK. I just said I didn't wanna talk and bolted inside when we got home 30 seconds later, then went on the back deck to chainsmoke and started writing this. I just dont know what to do. How do I stop making her upset all the time? I just constantly shove her to the side, and I really want to stop it.

 

[Vazkor]

Almost too lazy to copy&paste this link:
https://markmanson.net/procrastination

Vazkor

 

[herbavore]

I think this goes in TDS but I don't wanna post something there if it doesn't belong there.
I'm 17 and have a 13 year old sister and really need advice because I'm just really not a good brother and I make her upset. We get along well and really care about each other, but I always dissapoint her and make her upset. I have really bad energy and motivation problems, I've seen multiple doctors and they don't know exactly why or what disorder it is, but it's a legitimate medical issue, I'm not just lazy. I just have a really hard time doing anything. I cant even go to school because I miss literally 2-3 days a week cuz I just can't get up and go. I have to have a special program where teachers come to my house once a week per subject for 2 hours and no homework. There's been months where I couldn't even brush my teeth at all cuz it was just too much to handle. The last 5 years I've just shoved her to the side, not because I didn't care but because I didn't have the energy to do anything. She would ask me to play a game with her, and I wanted to, but I just couldnt, so I would say maybe later legitimately wanting to later, and end up spending time with her like once every other week. I know most siblings don't get along and just fight all the time, but this is worse. She actually cares about me, and I always treat her like she doesn't matter. I've been doing better the last couple months, but I'm still not enough. I made it to her soccer game today, something that's really important to her, for the second time in the 8 years she's been playing soccer. I figured it would make her happy, and I think it did, but it still isn't enough. On the way home, she really wanted to stop at Starbucks. Me, being the fucked up asshole I am, couldn't handle doing anything more after being out for 2 hours. I really let her down there, and she said "fine, I'll just die of thirst, because joe needs to get home right now to sit on the couch". It made me feel misreble about myself. I started crying, and cried the rest of the way home. She didn't notice till a minute before we got back (she was in the front and the air conditioning was really loud), and asked if I was OK. I just said I didn't wanna talk and bolted inside when we got home 30 seconds later, then went on the back deck to chainsmoke and started writing this. I just dont know what to do. How do I stop making her upset all the time? I just constantly shove her to the side, and I really want to stop it.

You are not a "shitty brother", you are someone that is experiencing pain. Your task is to figure out what is going on and how to address it. Forget the labels and the diagnoses--it all comes down to this: what is making you unhappy inside and how can you change it? Adding guilt about your behavior is simply compounding your burden. Maybe you could write your sister a letter and tell her some of your thoughts. Let her know how you feel. The day to day experiences can cloud the water between people. You don't have to explain what is going on because you truly don't know and it is fine (in fact, desirable) to admit to uncertainty and confusion.

Are you using drugs? If so, I would encourage you to stop. Give your brain the best chance it has to develop in a healthy way. Make sure that your diet is healthy and find ways to get exercise. Exercise is really an important tool for counteracting a lack of motivation. Of course the hard part is coming up with the motivation to do it!

I think if you let your sister into your interior world (how it is frustrating to you, not just to her) that she will be able to take it less personally. We develop empathy for others by understanding rather than judging from the outside. Give her the chance to do that by opening up to her in whatever way you can. Sibling relationships are for life. Build a good foundation now and you will reap the rewards long after you are no longer living together as children.

 

[nancy145]

I wrote a bunch the other day in a response but it didn't post it idk why. Thanks for the advice though, I'll try writing a letter

 

[nancy145]

I gtg now and messed up posting I'll edit it later
EDIT: top of the message above explains this. Can't figure out how to delete a post.

 

[lucifersam666]

I'm terribly sorry you are feeling this way. I am glad you could come to BL to talk about it. This is a good start to brainstorm and bounce ideas. All in all, we all have hardships and issues in our life, whether they be relatable, big or small (etc.). I have found that it is all about how you handle them. I can sort of relate to you in the sense that I don't get to spend time with my sister nearly enough and it really sucks. I only get to spend time with my little sister, 10 yrs old, about once a month and it hurts because I love her so much. I have pretty much been absent through her entire life, and ages 6+ are where memories happen and behavior is shaped and I wasn't there. We are 16 years a part and I have my whole life to deal with and issues i need to handle. She is so young that she doesn't understand and she gets upset. I just hope we get closer later in life anyways the point is that you aren't alone man. IMO I think herbavore is right...Communication is key. It is seriously so important yet it can sometimes be the hardest thing. Just being able to discuss and address the issue will elevate a lot of pain, tho. I hope you can talk to your sister and possibly get on the same page so she can understand. Maybe set challenges for yourself, too, like just doing something that isn't routine for a couple minutes. Also, what herbivore said " Build a good foundation now and you will reap the rewards long after you are no longer living together as children."
mad respect. much love. Lucifersam

 

[Jabberwocky]

It might be interesting to learn a bit about the psychology of development. There is a lot of stuff that can change in how we see ourselves and the world between 10-17.

 

[zephyr]

I hope you have had extensive bloodwork done to see if your lack of energy and other things impeding your life arent anything sinister.

Younger siblings can be hard work. Try to just spend small amounts of regular one on one time with her playing board games or cards or watch movies together at the cinema.