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TRIPPIN OR NAW ( GF AND HER male " best friend "

M

Montcle2

Greenlighter
Joined
May 31, 2017
Messages
6
Ok, so I've been with the girlfriend JENNIFER off and on for about 4 years now. We have 3 kids together. She has a male " best friend " SAMUEL and my gut feeling is telling me they slept together and she's being dishonest with me. Mind you my GF is 24 and he is 19/20 not sure exactly. It was always odd she would have a best friend so much younger than her. They knew each other before I came in the picture. Now I didn't always feel this way about the whole thing but over time I noticed a few signs that grew my suspicions. FOR THAT TOBE HER BEST FRIEND ME AND HIM NEVER HAD ANY KIND OF COMMUNICATION . I ALWAYS NOTICED HIM GIVING ME COLD STARES THAT SOME MIGHT NOT PICK UP ON. I NEVER MENTIONED IT JUST KEPT IT TO MYSELF FOR MENTAL NOTES. FIRST INSTANCE was when a few of us (Me, My GF, her sister, Her best friend and his brother) went out to eat, we all caught the bus. We got into an argument about something ( I cant remember) so she gets up and sits next to him. THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE TEXTING LATE, 12/1 am which I had a problem with and she disregarded it. 2ND INSTANCE was when i confronted him about calling her late, I grabbed her phone,told him not to call late and hung up on him and he calls right back. Anytime we have problems she tells him about it. ALSO SHE HAS 3 friends ( LAURA, SHANTELL AND KRISTINE) that her best friend slept with. Now if I had to rate the friends on a 1-10 scale it would go LAURA 9, SHANTELL 7.5, KRISTINE 4 . MY GF WOULD BE 4.5/5 , She always tells me she would never sleep with him because of this reason. Which I think is BS. SHE OFTEN SAYS IM INSECURE AND JEALOUS of him LMAO. and never fails to say if she wanted to smash she would of been did it. So I let it go for awhile but my suspicious remained and I BUILT ANGER TO CONFRONT AND FIGHT HER BEST FRIEND ON MEMORIAL DAY AT A COOKOUT. ALCOHOL WAS IN THE EQUATION. WORDS WERE EXCHANGED AND THINGS ESCALATED QUICKLY. MY GF IS HOLDING HIM BACK AND HER MOM IS HOLDING ME BACK . I LOOK OVER AT HER AND SHES CRYING ? . IN MY MIND THIS IS A DEAD GIVE AWAY. WHY WOULD YOU BE CRYING IF YOU'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH HIM? SHE CONSTANTLY DENIES IT , BUT MY GUT TELLS ME IM RIGHT ON THIS ONE AND THIS HAS PUT A HUGE STRAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. NOW AM I TRIPPIN OR NAW????
 
SHE OFTEN SAYS IM INSECURE AND JEALOUS of him LMAO
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Sounds about right. What's your question?

A DEAD GIVE AWAY. WHY WOULD YOU BE CRYING IF YOU'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH HIM?
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Maybe because her bf is being a possessive douche?
 
You're instinct is most likely correct. obviously you can't tell her what to do but you can keep your eyes and ears open. The more you bring this up and fight about it the more effort she will put in to hiding it.

If it is really true all you can really do is move on.
 
I vote NAW. It's a complicating factor that you have 3 kids definitely but unfortunately I don't think you're tripping, I'm not saying your girlfriend has actually cheated on you and this is probably not the most mature viewpoint but I would still have an issue with some things.

Montcle2 said:
She has a male " best friend " SAMUEL
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This would be a problem for me, and I think it is the root of all the problems here.

Montcle2 said:
Now if I had to rate the friends on a 1-10 scale it would go LAURA 9, SHANTELL 7.5, KRISTINE 4 . MY GF WOULD BE 4.5/5
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LOL. Seriously? I think this is a problem also.
 
My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend is one of her best friends. She goes to his place in Cali with a variety of other friends of theirs for 2 months every winter to trim buds because he's a grower. I met him pretty early on because he comes to visit her (and transport cash for her payment) once a year. I was nervous about it and feeling some jealousy feelings (although I never told her about it because I wanted to see how it was when we were all together first), but once I met him and spent time with the three of us, I realized I had nothing to fear, because there was obviously nothing there besides friendship and a history of shared experiences (they went to college together, etc). He's a good friend of mine now too, I love that guy. I have no issues at all with her being close with him still, I'm glad she has someone else in her life who cares about her and it bodes well for me that she could be close with her ex still, it shows that she's mature and that they had a good relationship while it lasted, good enough that the ending of it didn't damage their friendship. They were together for 5 years, it ended 4 years before I met her, and it ended because they realized over time that they had become just friends and didn't feel romantic anymore. I'm really glad I never lashed out at her because of my initial discomfort with the situation, because acting out on stuff like that (like you did when you got drunk and fought the guy) causes damage to the relationship.

That said, if I had spent time with the three of us and it felt weird, and I felt like something was going on, it would be a different story. These things can be difficult to determine though, because if you have jealousy/possessiveness issues, then your mind is going to convince you that you see something going on, even if nothing is going on. You have to look at it from an objective place, and realize that you might have issues of your own that are making it seem like something different is going on.

A lot of people seem to have a problem with their partners being close with people of the opposite sex, but personally I think that's an immature attitude to have, and possessive in a way that is disrespectful to your partner. Of course, in a given situation it COULD mean that there is something more than friendship between them. But to try to prohibit your partner from close friendships with members of the opposite sex, especially if they were friends before you even knew each other, just because you fear that it could destroy your relationship, really points more to your own issues than to an actual problem with that situation.

I can't really say one way or the other whether your situation is really a problem or not... just putting my thoughts on the matter out there. I will say that her crying when you were fighting with her friend is easily explained... it hurts her that you can't deal with her being friends with a guy she was close with before she ever met you. She wishes the father of her children could get over it and not make an issue about it. It causes pain, so she cried about it. Totally makes sense.
 
I know my view is not a popular view here at bluelight but I don't agree that people in a serious relationship should have friends of the opposite sex that they are close to.

I can understand a text or conversation here and there but that's about it. Why would you want to put yourself in a potentially bad situation? Why take the chance? People in general are weak minded and fall in to temptation pretty easy.

It's fortunate that my wife and I agree on this topic. We have both seen friends make that mistake. You start mixing alcohol and drugs with some lust and you will get regret. Obviously not everyone is going to be attracted to their best bud but it happens a lot.
 
If my girl started hanging out with a new guy she met now, and spending a lot of time with him and texting with him a lot and so forth, I wouldn't feel good about it and would tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable and see where that led, and it seems like a sudden change in behavior and time spending like that would most likely be indicative of something going on. But I think to ask someone to stop being friends with or being close with someone that was already a part of their life before you is not appropriate. My girlfriend's ex is her good friend and was in her life for 9 years before we met, I'm not gonna ask her to step back or remove him from her life, that seems really selfish to me. I have determined by observation that there is nothing going on there. Like once a month she calls him or he calls her and they talk for a while and catch up, if I'm around she puts speaker phone on and we all talk. If she was trying to hang out with him alone a bunch and blowing me off for him, I'd feel differently. I guess I could get totally surprised and something goes on between them, and if that happened it would really suck and I'd be hurt. But I'm not gonna sit around worrying over it and then put my worry on her and try to restrict her because of it. You just have to trust your partner, or not. It helps that the way they split up is that they just stopped having sex eventually, and realized that the romantic attraction was gone and that they were always better friends than lovers. But see, it's a case-by-case basis.

To the OP, In your case, I think I gathered from your post anyway, they have never even been romantically or sexually involved even before you. So why not give her the benefit of the doubt? A lot of the time when people can't trust their partner, it's because they're seeing themselves in the mirror. Can she trust you? Maybe you can't imagine that she wouldn't cheat on you because she can't trust you not to cheat on her. Maybe not, just saying, if that's it, try to realize it.

I have heard a lot of people say that straight men and women can't be just friends, but I think that's nonsense (not saying you're saying this by the way). I've had a variety of female friends who I haven't been even slightly attracted to sexually, who have been close friends. There has never been any temptation when intoxicated or otherwise. There have been times when I was attracted to a female friend and I was actually interested in them, but those were specific cases, not the general rule.

You sound like you haven't treated her very well, and the behavior you describe is pretty aggressive and abusive. If I were her I'd be looking for emotional support elsewhere too. Everyone needs someone to lean on in their troubles, and I don't know you or her but it seems like she can't lean on you sometimes.
 
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They aren't necessarily sleeping together. There are a lot of reasons he could simply dislike you because he is her friend. Off the top of my head: How can you be "off and on" with the mother of 3 of your children? Are you having sex with other people during the "off" part of your relationship? You mentioned fighting. How solid is your relationship and do you realize this impacts not just you two but also your kids?

Kids change everything, as you should know. Both of you need to focus on your children and not trifling things, regardless of whether you are planning to stay together or not.
Speak calmly to her about your feelings of jealousy as opposed to grabbing her phone and hanging up on her friend or ruining family events with your drunk aggression. (Her crying was about that by the way, NOT whether she cheated or not, which no one here knows. If my mom was involved in a situation like that at a family holiday gathering I would be so upset and ashamed.)
To me, she sounds unhappy and you honestly come off as a bit immature, particularly to be a parent. There's a reason she's confiding in someone else, which is what I think is at least a big part (if not all) of what's happening. It's not a good thing that she doesn't feel like she can share things with you. That's not promising for your relationship.
Please try to remember that your children are involved, treat their mother like a "10" and commit to communicating better with her. Your children are going to learn what kind of men and women to be from you two.
No matter what happens, you two will always share those children, and if you are committed to being a good father and possibly a husband, then you will need to address these situations with more maturity. Then maybe she won't look for emotional support elsewhere.
 
Montcle2 said:
NOW AM I TRIPPIN OR NAW????
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Yes youre trippin 4 years off and on with 3 kids and you dont trust her so whats the point in continuing it? Not trying to be that guy but youre clearly jealous man. Shes either fucking the guy or shes not. Id man up and look the dude in his eyes and see whats up if you really cared. If hes fucking youll be able to tell how reacts. most likely lol.
 
I APPRECIATE EVERYONE FOR FEED BACK WHETHER I AGREED WITH YOU OR NOT. IT DEFINITELY TAKES TWO TO TANGO AND I'VE HAD MY MOMENTS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP WHERE I'VE CRUSHED HER MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY I ADMIT. NEVER BEEN THE JEALOUS TYPE THO, I WELCOME EVERYBODY WITH OPEN ARMS AND I GIVE PEOPLE THE ROPE TO HANG THEMSELVES. ME AND JENNIFER WERE TALKING THE OTHER DAY AND I BROUGHT THE TOPIC BACK UP AND I MENTIONED US TAKING A LIE DETECTOR I CAN ASK HER ANYTHING AND VICE VERSA. SHE WAS OPEN TO IT AND CONFIDENT ABOUT IT. SO I SAY TO HER " I WANT TO MARRY YOU BUT THERE'S ONLY THING PREVENTING THAT WHICH IS THE TRUTH, SO SHE FINALLY ADMITS SHE SLEPT WITH HIM BUT SHE KEEPS SAYING IT WAS BEFORE SHE MET ME. WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT BECAUSE IF IT THAT WAS THE CASE THEN WHY LIE FOR A YEAR +. I'm not a jealous, controlling, possessive, insecure dude. Guy's have our instinct just as well as women. I don't just assume shit My gut never lies to me.
 
So the relationship is over , I can't be with someone I can't trust, she slept with someone and had him around me and our kids that's something I just can't accept
 
Call me cynical but no surprise there. Honestly though at the point you're considering a lie detector test the relationship is already over... This isn't Jeremy Kyle.
 
You have 3 kids together, so unless you are going to be a deadbeat dad, you will always have a relationship with her as the mother of your three children, whether it's healthy or not.
Your children are going to bear the burden of this situation and how you both handle it for the rest of their lives.
You two weren't starting from a healthy place (on/off with 3 kids, physical drunk altercations at family gatherings, denigration, threats). And just because you had an instinct doesn't mean you acted on it like a man.
Her issues are hers to deal with now.

If either of you are willing to go to counseling, individually or together, you should.

I know this isn't the "too bad bro" post, I just think about how children have to deal with their parents issues forever, and by the time most parents understand that it's way too late. Good luck.
 
None of this matters. If someone wants to be with you they will. I don't get jealousy. I experienced it earlier in life but I have learned to accept eventually things will be what will be. If you are fulfilling your partners needs all is good. If you aren't then maybe you should worry and work on it. The rest is drama
 
You see yourself as not being jealous and possessive, yet you want to hook her up to a lie detector. Lol
 
Xorkoth said:
My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend is one of her best friends. She goes to his place in Cali with a variety of other friends of theirs for 2 months every winter to trim buds because he's a grower. I met him pretty early on because he comes to visit her (and transport cash for her payment) once a year. I was nervous about it and feeling some jealousy feelings (although I never told her about it because I wanted to see how it was when we were all together first), but once I met him and spent time with the three of us, I realized I had nothing to fear, because there was obviously nothing there besides friendship and a history of shared experiences (they went to college together, etc). He's a good friend of mine now too, I love that guy. I have no issues at all with her being close with him still, I'm glad she has someone else in her life who cares about her and it bodes well for me that she could be close with her ex still, it shows that she's mature and that they had a good relationship while it lasted, good enough that the ending of it didn't damage their friendship. They were together for 5 years, it ended 4 years before I met her, and it ended because they realized over time that they had become just friends and didn't feel romantic anymore. I'm really glad I never lashed out at her because of my initial discomfort with the situation, because acting out on stuff like that (like you did when you got drunk and fought the guy) causes damage to the relationship.

That said, if I had spent time with the three of us and it felt weird, and I felt like something was going on, it would be a different story. These things can be difficult to determine though, because if you have jealousy/possessiveness issues, then your mind is going to convince you that you see something going on, even if nothing is going on. You have to look at it from an objective place, and realize that you might have issues of your own that are making it seem like something different is going on.

A lot of people seem to have a problem with their partners being close with people of the opposite sex, but personally I think that's an immature attitude to have, and possessive in a way that is disrespectful to your partner. Of course, in a given situation it COULD mean that there is something more than friendship between them. But to try to prohibit your partner from close friendships with members of the opposite sex, especially if they were friends before you even knew each other, just because you fear that it could destroy your relationship, really points more to your own issues than to an actual problem with that situation.

I can't really say one way or the other whether your situation is really a problem or not... just putting my thoughts on the matter out there. I will say that her crying when you were fighting with her friend is easily explained... it hurts her that you can't deal with her being friends with a guy she was close with before she ever met you. She wishes the father of her children could get over it and not make an issue about it. It causes pain, so she cried about it. Totally makes sense.
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We seriously need more people like you in this world. Good for you, man. My ex was best friends with her ex, which I didn't care about. But me buying a gift for my ex for her birthday apparently means I still like her. It was a pretty generous gift (skydiving certificate) but still...how is it fair that your ex is your best friend yet me doing that is so wrong? Apparently 'no one will compare to her and her ex'. Whatever. Essentially what lead us to breaking up. Still hurts even 1 year later.
 
No I didn't handle it the right way . I agree. Is fighting the answer? Fuck no! That was an emotional response instead of a mental one. End of the day no one is perfect. BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT I WAS RIGHT AND SHE ADMITTED IT !!! LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. ME HAVING suspicions IS NOT jealousy!!!! I HAVE LOVE FOR EVERYONE until they CROSS ME I ACCEPT EVERYONE WITH OPEN ARMS, WHAT PEOPLE CHOOSE TO DO AFTER THAT IS ON THEM! THE DRUNK ALTERCATION WAS A ONE TIME THING! I MOVED ON ! SHE LIED FOR 2 YEARS BEFORE ADMITTING THE TRUTH! SO HOW AM I WRONG HERE?
 
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