No hilarious mentions of farting dogs and insomnia, this time, I'm afraid.
I was here before because I was having a hard time quitting when my partner was still using.
I cannot even begin to explain without sounding like a hardcore pessimist- really thought at this point I'd be able to maybe be helping others with the same situation except: holy crap this situation sucks.
If it weren't for some serious, SERIOUS freaking mindfulness and meditation- yeah, I dunno how many times. At this point, if you asked me on any given day how in the heck I've managed: some days, I'd probably kinda squeak "I have no freaking ideeeeea!" and others, I'd say this: I started doing something that's doing something to me. Saturn in the 12th house Solar Return shit.
The subconscious is a freaking rabbit hole the likes of which none of the stuff I have ever done touches- and this has been a thing. Actually, I have developed a considerable "OK, look, I'mma binge Netflix and Amazon now 'cause my brain is overloaded": huzzah for being both autistic and an addict, I guess. American Gods is so worth the Starz subscription. LOL
...I guess I could check my Facebook page to see when I quit using, exactly and how long it's been. At a certain point I just wanted to stop thinking about the days- and, having a relatively decent readership is a blessing and a curse. I lost a couple of big affiliations that brought me business because the New Age crowd tends to not like things that aren't fluffy, love and light. At first, it scared the hell out of me but people started to come to me about this: worth it. I think for someone in my position to be open about these things, it sometimes helps people feel not so alone. I'm not being cocky, the shit is a lot of pressure, all around- and I'm just an astrologer. Still, that did kind of help, as did talking about facing the things that I didn't want to: most of them being things I was seeing, resenting and even flat out hating in my partner.
I kept telling people early on, the only thing I could do, like, literally the ONLY thing- the ONLY way: was to distance myself from him as much as I could emotionally. Most of the time I was rolling around in that resentment so hard that it wasn't that difficult- but, that comes at a mighty big cost, too and is the same damn thing as trying to clean him up: I was just fixated on what a shitheel he was, rather than how to help- and it wasn't until I was like "NO, I am a shitheel. What does his shitheely-ness show me about me?" and go from there.
Then, I got hit with the whammy. Hope is pathological at times: I thought being close with someone still using was hard but it had absolutely NOTHING on being close to someone who had seen my changes and decided to make some of his own. That probably sounds weird but it's not. You think you're ready to shift your focus- but oh, you are not, and WHAMMO. Still managed to get through that but only because by quirks of my brain- well, empathy doesn't do me like it does neurotypicals. I have no problems whatsoever getting into someone else's head, it's getting out- but at this point, I'd been doing just enough self work that I could course correct. Wasn't easy. Still is not easy- this is where I'm at because, well, right around this same time- he got hit with his father's lung cancer diagnosis, his mother had some kind of reproductive cancer- and her relationship with him's not healthy at all. (Mommy dearest gives him percs- while wailing to me about how he's got a problem and she's scared, if that tells you anything. Emotional incest and codependency)
He was doing okay, I thought- right up until 'script day came. "But it's okay 'cause I've been taking baclofen!"
"Wait, wait, now what? Didn't you go through that war hell ride coming off those? What the- "
"Yeah but I'm just taking high doses, only a couple da-"
"Jesus tits, you-"
He kept trying to justify it to me and for the first time in, oh, pretty much ever- instead of getting pissed, getting resentful: I got pretty sad. Here we hit something I never actually dealt with- because my thing was self-loathing for it, rather than denial: he's different. Bio-chem doesn't do shit to him. Yeah. Anytime he wants. He just let himself get dependent this time, it was a mistake.
Thisisntaboutmethisisnotaboutmethisisnotaboutme- after months of taking the hate and examining it for the connections to my own self loathing? Oh that's fun.
"I can't be with you if you're using."
"But I'm tapering down! I'm quitting! It was just a mistake, I just let myself get dependent."
"Okay, suspending disbelief a moment on the whole "not an addict" thing- have you looked at WHY you did?"
"VAGUEVAGUEVAGUE- uh huh, been here and done this"
"I can't be with you if you're using. I'm just gonna say, maybe you can do that. Maybe you do have some super human willpower, but I don't. I can't be with you if you're using."
And so it goes.
I thought quitting was hard but taking the long way home on that one was harder, in a lot of ways.
I was here before because I was having a hard time quitting when my partner was still using.
I cannot even begin to explain without sounding like a hardcore pessimist- really thought at this point I'd be able to maybe be helping others with the same situation except: holy crap this situation sucks.
If it weren't for some serious, SERIOUS freaking mindfulness and meditation- yeah, I dunno how many times. At this point, if you asked me on any given day how in the heck I've managed: some days, I'd probably kinda squeak "I have no freaking ideeeeea!" and others, I'd say this: I started doing something that's doing something to me. Saturn in the 12th house Solar Return shit.
The subconscious is a freaking rabbit hole the likes of which none of the stuff I have ever done touches- and this has been a thing. Actually, I have developed a considerable "OK, look, I'mma binge Netflix and Amazon now 'cause my brain is overloaded": huzzah for being both autistic and an addict, I guess. American Gods is so worth the Starz subscription. LOL ...I guess I could check my Facebook page to see when I quit using, exactly and how long it's been. At a certain point I just wanted to stop thinking about the days- and, having a relatively decent readership is a blessing and a curse. I lost a couple of big affiliations that brought me business because the New Age crowd tends to not like things that aren't fluffy, love and light. At first, it scared the hell out of me but people started to come to me about this: worth it. I think for someone in my position to be open about these things, it sometimes helps people feel not so alone. I'm not being cocky, the shit is a lot of pressure, all around- and I'm just an astrologer. Still, that did kind of help, as did talking about facing the things that I didn't want to: most of them being things I was seeing, resenting and even flat out hating in my partner.
I kept telling people early on, the only thing I could do, like, literally the ONLY thing- the ONLY way: was to distance myself from him as much as I could emotionally. Most of the time I was rolling around in that resentment so hard that it wasn't that difficult- but, that comes at a mighty big cost, too and is the same damn thing as trying to clean him up: I was just fixated on what a shitheel he was, rather than how to help- and it wasn't until I was like "NO, I am a shitheel. What does his shitheely-ness show me about me?" and go from there.
Then, I got hit with the whammy. Hope is pathological at times: I thought being close with someone still using was hard but it had absolutely NOTHING on being close to someone who had seen my changes and decided to make some of his own. That probably sounds weird but it's not. You think you're ready to shift your focus- but oh, you are not, and WHAMMO. Still managed to get through that but only because by quirks of my brain- well, empathy doesn't do me like it does neurotypicals. I have no problems whatsoever getting into someone else's head, it's getting out- but at this point, I'd been doing just enough self work that I could course correct. Wasn't easy. Still is not easy- this is where I'm at because, well, right around this same time- he got hit with his father's lung cancer diagnosis, his mother had some kind of reproductive cancer- and her relationship with him's not healthy at all. (Mommy dearest gives him percs- while wailing to me about how he's got a problem and she's scared, if that tells you anything. Emotional incest and codependency)
He was doing okay, I thought- right up until 'script day came. "But it's okay 'cause I've been taking baclofen!"
"Wait, wait, now what? Didn't you go through that war hell ride coming off those? What the- "
"Yeah but I'm just taking high doses, only a couple da-"
"Jesus tits, you-"
He kept trying to justify it to me and for the first time in, oh, pretty much ever- instead of getting pissed, getting resentful: I got pretty sad. Here we hit something I never actually dealt with- because my thing was self-loathing for it, rather than denial: he's different. Bio-chem doesn't do shit to him. Yeah. Anytime he wants. He just let himself get dependent this time, it was a mistake.
Thisisntaboutmethisisnotaboutmethisisnotaboutme- after months of taking the hate and examining it for the connections to my own self loathing? Oh that's fun.
"I can't be with you if you're using."
"But I'm tapering down! I'm quitting! It was just a mistake, I just let myself get dependent."
"Okay, suspending disbelief a moment on the whole "not an addict" thing- have you looked at WHY you did?"
"VAGUEVAGUEVAGUE- uh huh, been here and done this"
"I can't be with you if you're using. I'm just gonna say, maybe you can do that. Maybe you do have some super human willpower, but I don't. I can't be with you if you're using."
And so it goes.
I thought quitting was hard but taking the long way home on that one was harder, in a lot of ways.
