sovereign110
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 21, 2017
- Messages
- 6
Hey team,
After having read a moonfull of posts by bluelighters via Google, I thought maybe I'll finally go sign up for da forums %)
I enjoy forums like this, where I can get a lot of information and support from other members while contributing my own insights and knowledge based on my experiences with various psychoactive drugs (nothing illegal, surprisingly) and also maybe helping others get through detox/prevent relapse/deal with early recovery and beyond, so on and so forth! GO TEAM. Here's an overview of the "main events" of my decade or so wrestling with addiction in a perfectly acceptable-length post:
A Brief History of Almost Dying: I have what people call a "problem," especially concerning alcohol. I started drinking a few months after turning 21, and slowly but surely I went from drinking one weekend night per week in 2008 to drinking ~1.25 liters of hard whiskey 6-7 days a week in late 2011. Along with the escalation in drinking came the obligatory faltering academic performance and weakening social relationships (I was always a solo drinker mostly).
Then, one day in the beginning of February 2012, I had to be rushed to the emergency room due to having developed acute pancreatitis at age 25. Worst experience of my life, and it just might keep that title till the day I bite it. I wasn't aware human beings could be in that much pain without being set on fire or losing a limb or being at a Nickleback concert. After two weeks of A) relying on pain meds (first a morphine pump, eventually just a pill 2-3 times a day and a vicodin script when I left), B) having to rely on IV fluids and nutrients because the treatment for pancreatitis is to disallow any and all food intake so my inflamed pancreas could normalize itself, and C) dealing with a bunch of other ancillary crap like a pleural effusion on the side, they finally let me head home.
My New Friend, Stim Feelgood: I was sober for over two years after all that. During that time I was diagnosed with ADD.....either I've had it most of my life or it could've been a new development resulting from ravaging my brain with booze. Anyway, despite my clear alcohol abuse history, my psych prescribed me Adderall. The first few months were a real eye-opener (metaphorically and literally). Yeah the intense euphoria at the start was nice but holy shit, I could pay attention to a professor's lecture now and follow his train of thought??? Engaging in my hobbies actually feels pleasurable and rewarding, instead of just being a distraction to kill time????? HEY STIM, you found my long-last pal Ambition, thanks for returning him to me.
But, as these things usually go for people like me, I eventually started to take the stimulant not as prescribed. After being on the "max dose" of 30mg 2/day (the most therapeutic dose for me) for awhile, the comedown started to get bothersome. So I entered this vicious cycle where I'd run out of my Addys 15-18 days into my script due to a couple 4-day binges every month where I'd take one pill when I perceived myself "coming down." Eventually the sleep deprivation and heightened amphetamine use caused psychosis symptoms and other things......auditory hallucinations, depersonalization, paranoia, deja vu, etc.
So man, how do I survive the latter half of the month before refill time? I didn't want to go back to my old anhedonic, constantly sleepy, apathetic, emotionless robot self. So yeah, I turned to booze during that time. And the vicious cycle was born; for about a year and a half I did this dance every single month. Towards the end of 2016, and up until last month, I was able to employ my mom to help me take the Addys as prescribed because they were too beneficial to my well-being and I wanted to stop abusing them.
Return to Form: Last month I told my psychiatrist about my problems taking Addy as prescribed without someone's help, and also the vicious cycle I'd fall into without that help. Why'd I tell him? Because I'm one honest mufugger I guess. Obviously he took me off Addy immediately and made AODA counseling a requirement to continue being treated by him. Fortunately I was planning to go through AODA anyway so I had appointments coming up.
Since booze is the only other thing I personally know of that can put a dent in my anhedonia, I started that up again. After two OWIs (?!), going almost broke, and struggling to keep my apartment, I decided enough is enough. In AA I'll occasionally hear about people hitting their "rock bottom" and how one or more of those tends to steer us in the right direction and get serious about recovery. Well, I think two rock-bottoms are good enough for me.
So in addition to regularly going to AA and AODA counseling, I thought I'd tap into a couple online communities in case I'd want to ask a question to a broad audience or something. Also, despite my, uh, history of exceptional decision-making, I actually do know quite a bit about various psychoactives and some harm-reduction strategies involved in all this ("Do as I say, not as I do" is def my epitaph). So, I'll be chiming in here and there.
See you around team, and thanks for reading this outrageously short post!
After having read a moonfull of posts by bluelighters via Google, I thought maybe I'll finally go sign up for da forums %)
I enjoy forums like this, where I can get a lot of information and support from other members while contributing my own insights and knowledge based on my experiences with various psychoactive drugs (nothing illegal, surprisingly) and also maybe helping others get through detox/prevent relapse/deal with early recovery and beyond, so on and so forth! GO TEAM. Here's an overview of the "main events" of my decade or so wrestling with addiction in a perfectly acceptable-length post:
A Brief History of Almost Dying: I have what people call a "problem," especially concerning alcohol. I started drinking a few months after turning 21, and slowly but surely I went from drinking one weekend night per week in 2008 to drinking ~1.25 liters of hard whiskey 6-7 days a week in late 2011. Along with the escalation in drinking came the obligatory faltering academic performance and weakening social relationships (I was always a solo drinker mostly).
Then, one day in the beginning of February 2012, I had to be rushed to the emergency room due to having developed acute pancreatitis at age 25. Worst experience of my life, and it just might keep that title till the day I bite it. I wasn't aware human beings could be in that much pain without being set on fire or losing a limb or being at a Nickleback concert. After two weeks of A) relying on pain meds (first a morphine pump, eventually just a pill 2-3 times a day and a vicodin script when I left), B) having to rely on IV fluids and nutrients because the treatment for pancreatitis is to disallow any and all food intake so my inflamed pancreas could normalize itself, and C) dealing with a bunch of other ancillary crap like a pleural effusion on the side, they finally let me head home.
My New Friend, Stim Feelgood: I was sober for over two years after all that. During that time I was diagnosed with ADD.....either I've had it most of my life or it could've been a new development resulting from ravaging my brain with booze. Anyway, despite my clear alcohol abuse history, my psych prescribed me Adderall. The first few months were a real eye-opener (metaphorically and literally). Yeah the intense euphoria at the start was nice but holy shit, I could pay attention to a professor's lecture now and follow his train of thought??? Engaging in my hobbies actually feels pleasurable and rewarding, instead of just being a distraction to kill time????? HEY STIM, you found my long-last pal Ambition, thanks for returning him to me.
But, as these things usually go for people like me, I eventually started to take the stimulant not as prescribed. After being on the "max dose" of 30mg 2/day (the most therapeutic dose for me) for awhile, the comedown started to get bothersome. So I entered this vicious cycle where I'd run out of my Addys 15-18 days into my script due to a couple 4-day binges every month where I'd take one pill when I perceived myself "coming down." Eventually the sleep deprivation and heightened amphetamine use caused psychosis symptoms and other things......auditory hallucinations, depersonalization, paranoia, deja vu, etc.
So man, how do I survive the latter half of the month before refill time? I didn't want to go back to my old anhedonic, constantly sleepy, apathetic, emotionless robot self. So yeah, I turned to booze during that time. And the vicious cycle was born; for about a year and a half I did this dance every single month. Towards the end of 2016, and up until last month, I was able to employ my mom to help me take the Addys as prescribed because they were too beneficial to my well-being and I wanted to stop abusing them.
Return to Form: Last month I told my psychiatrist about my problems taking Addy as prescribed without someone's help, and also the vicious cycle I'd fall into without that help. Why'd I tell him? Because I'm one honest mufugger I guess. Obviously he took me off Addy immediately and made AODA counseling a requirement to continue being treated by him. Fortunately I was planning to go through AODA anyway so I had appointments coming up.
Since booze is the only other thing I personally know of that can put a dent in my anhedonia, I started that up again. After two OWIs (?!), going almost broke, and struggling to keep my apartment, I decided enough is enough. In AA I'll occasionally hear about people hitting their "rock bottom" and how one or more of those tends to steer us in the right direction and get serious about recovery. Well, I think two rock-bottoms are good enough for me.
So in addition to regularly going to AA and AODA counseling, I thought I'd tap into a couple online communities in case I'd want to ask a question to a broad audience or something. Also, despite my, uh, history of exceptional decision-making, I actually do know quite a bit about various psychoactives and some harm-reduction strategies involved in all this ("Do as I say, not as I do" is def my epitaph). So, I'll be chiming in here and there.
See you around team, and thanks for reading this outrageously short post!