Mental Health Recovering from Female on Male Domestic Violence, Any Advice

[Cogari]

This is...difficult. But I've resolved to ask here, because after reading through this site I'm convinced it can do me good.

I'm currently suffering depression resulting from domestic abuse. My ex fiancee began becoming physically violent in addition to in hindsight being mentally abusive while I was with her. Three significant incidents. She would punch, choke, bite, mostly aiming for my head and neck. I couldn't find it in myself to fight her back, or even physically defend myself besides raising my hands to shield myself. Not out of fear, but personally because I was afraid of hurting her in turn, and possibly causing serious harm, afraid that I would have forever crossed a line. I know that people might find that foolish, but I can only be honest. I've fought before, and been physically hurt in fights. But this was different. The shock and fear were more at the forefront of my mind than the actual pain. What I cannot reconcile in my head is that someone so apparently in love with me would do such a thing, and from what I saw in her eyes, enjoy it.

The events have shaken me seriously and after a few months, I am still in a diagnosed state of depression, becoming increasingly neurotic, terrified. As something of an agoraphobic and introvert I've become very strained, tearful at times, easily emotionally fragile, and I have very, very dark thoughts that aren't in my nature, the urge to hurt myself which I want desperately to stop. Over the past 4 months I am slowly starting to recover. I'm not wallowing, making myself be sociable and work hard, but there is a sense of gnawing that won't go away, a feeling of hollowness that I struggle to face.

I don't want to drag out the particulars of my life to anyone reading this, and while I have a lot of other thoughts, what I really need is to hear advice from others. I've spent 3 months being pushed from councillor to councillor, 3 saying they weren't trained enough to deal with it, and the last deciding after 5 weeks (5 sessions) that apparently we had nothing else to really go over, and asked my permission via email to remove me from the system. I've recently come to the conclusion that my Citalopram prescription was making me lethargic and if anything, even more depressed and incapable of functioning properly.

What I need is honest reflection from people who aren't paid to give me a pill, who I think are far more capable of giving me real advice and insight. How can I best recover? My university studies have taken a dive, my last assessments delayed for a time allowing me hopefully enough time to recover and give in work worth a decent mark. I want to get better. I understand that I can't go back, and while I would want to, it's impossible. She is out of my life and that's for the best. But how can I speed up the process? I know that these things follow you, and that it isn't as simple as being "fixed". But I can't remain like this forever. I have family, friends and others that I can't let down. I want to get back to writing and back to feeling like myself again.

Anything, anything at all you have to say would really be helping me out, and I appreciate that you took the time to read all of this.

Thanks for your time

 

[lazydullard]

I read this. It gets better with time, for sure. The longer you spend in a healthy lifestyle the easier it gets. It may not seem like it in the short term, but time really does heal, and the longer you spend away from the hurtful person, the better off you are.

 

[Cogari]

Thank you very much for taking the time. I'm trying my damnedest to live healthily, spending time back home to recover and help my family (especially my sister taking her exams). I hope you're right, and I'm certain that I won't see her again.

 

[cduggles]

Cogari, you've done the most difficult thing, which is leave your abuser and put yourself in a great place. That is truly an accomplishment!

Right now you have your priorities straight. I would only suggest that in addition to meeting your obligations, you try to do one small thing a day just for you. It should be something you enjoy and don't have to force yourself to do. It can be as simple as listening to a song you like. Baking a cake. Taking a scenic walk or drive. Visiting or calling a friend who makes you laugh and feel comfortable. Each activity is progress.

One thing I did when I was really depressed was to turn on the comedy channel in the morning until I laughed, so my day started out well, if not always on time!

Life can easily be overwhelming, so make that bit of time space for you. It will help you heal and return to a foundation of well-being and safety after the trauma you have been through. And always remember, you saved yourself.

Later, when you can revisit the situation with more calm and without emotional harm to yourself, examine the things you mentioned seeing about her being mentally abusive in hindsight, what drew you to her, any warning signs. You need to understand and believe that while this was not your fault at all, you can figure out what happened and protect yourself from it ever happening again. At that point you will have completely reclaimed and even strengthened yourself.

If you do feel like harming yourself, please talk to someone you trust or if you can wait a bit for responses, post here. This community is very supportive in that way.
Best, CD

 

[Cogari]

It was made a little easier with her leaving me, but you're right, I didn't go back, and that's something. Those are great ideas, I already like to take walks, but baking and making myself laugh is a good thing, and using these forums I find relaxing. Heh heh, I'm like that with music, I spend a little too much time with a good tune before I get out the door (y)

Thanks very much for your kind words, while I have had to look back a lot, mostly it was due to prompting, and I'm not quite ready to pour over it too much. It's still too raw. I know that I won't be in that situation again though, I learned from it, and I at least have a rough picture of what to do, how to carry on. If I do feel that way I certainly will, but if it helps they are thoughts only, there's a heavy pull but I've only harmed myself once in my life, and I won't do it again.

Best to you as well, C

 

[Vazkor]

Maybe this link has some usefull information for you: http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html

Vazkor

 

[Cogari]

Thank you very much Vazkor, there's a lot of information there. I really appreciate you sending this my way.

 

[herbavore]

Cogari, I think the best thing for a person to do that has been in an abusive relationship is to identify what made it possible for you to sustain it beyond the first time. For most people it is 1) a hope that this is a one-off and it will get better, 2) a deep-seated and perhaps even unconscious feeling that you deserve the abuse. The second is obviously where your work starts.

What kind of support have you found IRL at this point?

Congratulations for being willing to call it as it was and now to try to move forward. I know you will and I know it will take courage and some deep work so stay strong and above all build yourself rather than tearing yourself down (we humans are not so good at the building but we excel at tearing ourselves down).

 

[AnnieNonymus]

Prozac is a very effective anti-depressant. It won't make you lethargic. Wellbutrin is a good addition and a prn for the panic attacks. Ativan is good, less BBW's. The rest depends on you. You gotta get outside in the sunshine, 20 mins a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, get into a scheduled physical activity if possible. Seek out a support group. You have an excellent grasp of language, you could use it to help people and help yourself. Talk about the situation. Do not place blame. She was not well, seems she has a lot of work to do herself. You are most definitely not to blame. Guilt will hinder progress, so if you have any, let it go. It doesn't help anything, only hurts you. write it down, even if it's just for you to read. Get it out of the back of your brain where we tend to shove the things we don't like facing. It won't go away until you deal with it openly. This isn't your fault. Know that you are not to blame, harming yourself will only start a downward cycle that you could be trapped in. make an agreement with someone, or even with yourself. You will not harm yourself, you will instead : talk to so and so, go to (place) etc. Talk Talk Talk, and write.