Vicious circle

[Boregod]

I really don't know where to begin in the last few months I've lost my job my wife of 15 years left me / kicked me out I had to move back in my parents house one of my best friends died the list goes on and on my drug use and partying is the problem I want to stop I've tried so many times when I had my wife and my own house I was eating /snorting pills like tick tacs mostly Roxy 30's tabs perks doing coke and ice I was out of control my daily routine for years wake up snort a few tabs a 30 smoke some crystal off to work where I would drink a pint of jack do a few more 30s sometimes would snort a half gram of coke go home smoke more ice it got to where I was doing a lot of everything not sleeping for days and mixing shit I probably shouldn't be mixing if I wanted to sleep I would just eat Xanax a few every 30 minutes or so until I passed out.

I know this sounds really bad and it was but somehow I was totally functional I excelled at work I was the best at what I did I felt untouchable I started working out of town where my habits got worse I passed out many nights thinking about all the shit I done that day wondering if I would wake up the next morning homelife went to shit obviously the whole time I I knew what I was doing wrong knew I needed to stop or at least slow down but I didn't when my wife left me I went on a three week benj of pills meth liquor I didn't care if my heart stoped I honestly don't know how it didn't a part of me wanted it to but it didn't I lost my job with nowhere to go I decided to stop everything move in with my parents get my shit right i had no clue at all the second day I was so sick i realy thought i was dying my cousin stoped by to see me he immediately asked me what i was coming off of i told him he gave me a line said it would make the withdraws easier i didn't know what it was i didn't care it made me feel alot better i went to his house the next day i needed more of this magic so I haven't done any pills for over a month or coke very little ice however I'm definitely doing a lot of heroin and liquor I don't think I'm no better off now then when i was home doing what i was

I just cant stop drinking and doing drugs i wanted to come here ohio and get clean and get my life back I just want my wife my house my life back but it seems I'll never dig out of this hole where I'm living why do I do this why can't I stop how can I

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Can you check into a rehab or detox center run by medical professionals? You want to quit and get sober and this is a very good thing.

Be extremely careful and stay safe as you wrote how you are combining alcohol and opiates.

 

[Erikmen]

I broke your post in three parts so it's easier to read. Hope it's okay.

See, everything tends to be ugly, dark and wrong when we are deep into addiction. At one moment we have it all and suddenly we have so much less. That's more or less what's rock bottom looks like. This might be good as we need a clear line in order to really want to move on and do what we have to do. We all have been through similar situations at some point. All you need now is to focus in trying to get sober, that's how things will get better.

When we get sober all of these problems tend to have solutions we had not really looked into, besides they don't appear as bad as we first thought of. I'd suggest you search for assistance as it was already mentioned and stop for once and for all. You can do that. We all can! Things will be quite smoother and life should not be as problematic although it's not an easy thing to do but definitely quite rewarding.

Stop thinking of all these problems you have and work on getting sober. You can do this! If I did you certainly can.
Take care and good luck!

 

[Boregod]

I don't have insurance so rehab not really a option and thanks Eric

 

[Boregod]

I always told myself I could stop anytime no problem I just got to far in for to long I'm leaving ohio going to saint Louis to work I don't know anyone there so maybe I can get better there idk I'm going to try like hell definitely not going to stop one habit for another this time I gotta get my life back together no more excuses it's all on me

 

[Scrofula]

Hey that stuff can happen without the pills and booze too. So THEN you booze. Then you stop. And everything's where you left it, next to that semi-flattened cat in the gutter. Bonus is that you can still just leave it there, ignore it while you give advice on other forums.

I tried meth. It was getting too boring at the bottom of the pit. And I picked such a boring drug, too. Now all I do is stare up at the opening, wide awake all night.

I'd give some encouragement if I had any. One thing: when you quit, everything'll be the same (for a while). That's the part that actually scares you, the real thing that keeps you from quitting: facing that reality. Just keep focusing on that "for a while" part. Things have improved here, but mostly by just waiting.

 

[herbavore]

I always told myself I could stop anytime no problem I just got to far in for to long I'm leaving ohio going to saint Louis to work I don't know anyone there so maybe I can get better there idk I'm going to try like hell definitely not going to stop one habit for another this time I gotta get my life back together no more excuses it's all on me

Even though the reality is that it is "all on you" to clean your life up and make of it what you so badly want it to be, it is damn near to impossible to do it without support. When you go to Missouri, see if you can connect with some people who are trying to do what you are. If 12-step meetings have not worked for you in the past, try to figure out specifically what did not jibe for you. You can pick and choose what is useful. No matter what anyone tries to tell you there really are no rules for living these human lives so you are free to decide for yourself what makes sense to you in recovery and what does not. The tricky part is being honest enough (with yourself) that you know whether it is your brain talking to you or addiction. Sometimes the hardest things for us to swallow are in fact exactly what we need to do and sometimes they really are not going to work for us--how do you tell? You have to get to know yourself, know your triggers, know your needs and most importantly question all your old assumptions about yourself. After years of drug use and losing everything you cared about your self-esteem is probably at an all time low. Addiction just loves this situation--it waltzes right back in and says, "fuck it, you can't do it anyway so I know how to make you feel good right now." This is the lie that keeps it all continuing. Somehow, some way, from the lowest point in your life you have to be able to say, "I'm capable of this. I'm a good person who is fighting a big battle. It will neither be short nor easy nor straightforward but I will not undermine my efforts with thoughts about myself that are negative or guilt-inducing. " Taking responsibility for your choices and actions is difficult for all of us but beware getting stuck in guilt. You sound really motivated right now. Take that strong motivation and determination and keep it safe.