What drugs are to me.

[forestman4]

This is a long post... And im trying to explain it the best I can...
I don't want anyone to read it.. I just want some place my thoughts can be saved.. For reasons i do not know of.
So I appreciate if you read it, but I don't want you too.

Divorced parents have an effect on their children. Whether the son ends up with the dad or the mom, the effect they have is emotional.




See, when a child from lets say a normal relationship [Mom and dad together] does something wrong, like say smokes or drinks, or maybe does drugs, he doesnt get blamed the sort of way a child in a divorced family does,




The automatic blame is "You wouldnt have done this if your mom was here, or your dad was here".




That has a terrible effect. And ive gone through this a million times...




Makes me loose confidence and makes me go insane... I just end up thinking if I am a bad person.




A child in a normal relationship does not go through this.

This emotional stage is more hurtful than a gunshot... or even death.




But this made me stronger.

I know I am not a bad person because society says I am.

Yea I smoke, I dont drink because of a promise I made a few years ago...




This mental illness that I have because of what my mom and dad have put me through, I end up crying all night thinking that I am a "Waste of air" or end up thinking I have aspergers syndrome [Which I know I don't, or I don't know, I may have...]

or think I am a mentally retarded person... Or look back at things that do not matter in life, like love, or kindness...




The realization is that, all I need is money to live, because this mental Illness that I actually do have.. can only be cured by things money can buy.. These things are not something anyone should buy, but I dont know what one would call this illness.. I am not crazy, but I tend to do wrong things and beat my self over one sentence.. "You would have been a much better person if you were with your dad.."




What did he do? Beat me and tried to sculpt me into something that I am not. What did my mom do? Tell me I am a bad person and I am a worthless person because of one small thing.. The thing I do, am I the only person in the world who did it? No, millions do it, but this pressure that is put on me, to prove my self to be the most amazing human on earth, pure.




See, I have values, that I take dearly, I love very deeply, and hate to see someone become hurt. I help everyone I see get hurt but no one is there to help me when I get hurt from this illness..




I dont know if any psychologist can cure this, because they cant... Hell even I don't understand what goes on in my head..




All that happens to me now, only makes me stronger.. and stronger.. it also makes my thirst for money become too high... and I will let that thirst consume me..

See the only thing that has kept me sane is tramadol, And im not an addict. I use it maybe 6 times a month..
But tramadol replaces this lost love..

People never understood me... I have a lot of money but always scared of loosing the one thing that I have... Money..
My grandfather was very wealthy and gave me a significant portion of his wealth when he passed away... and i have made it bigger..
But this money is what keeps me from commiting suicide or going mental.. it buys me tramadol.. its cheap, hell i could buy tonnes of it if I wanted to.

I have loved a person so deep, more deep than anyone can possibly love, and even though this love is not possible, this deepness stops me from loving someone else..
I thought this one person, this girl can.. you know I never expected anything from her... I just wanted to love..

Then someone told her I was mentally retarded, the worst person alive, and I will physically hurt her.
I would rather die then see her cry. This person who told her this is now her current "boyfriend". And I don't know... I never tried to to tell her I would not hurt her and what he said was false because I take drugs, and my parents have mentally hurt me into thinking that I am the worst human being on this planet because I take drugs.. Am I?
I will never know. But I wont contact her because I believe this person [her current boy friend] will take care of her much better than I ever could...

So yeah, tramadol substitutes my need for love. Nicotine substitutes my need to feel sane..
I am a waste of air... I have alot of money that someone else could use better than me, and ALL i do is take drugs.

No psychologist understood me..
No one did. Not a single person...

At least Tramadol understands I need to be loved and loves me.

Am I mentally unstable?
Should I die?
Am I a monster who would hurt any woman I love?
Am I a waste of air?
Am I a failure?

These questions kill me while I am alive, and kill me every day.
My grandfather loved me, and took care of me, hell, he takes care of me even when he isnt there by providing the seed money I needed to make more money..

I don't know why im such a coward to commit suicide.. I just feel like I shouldn't waste the life god gave me, even if this life is the life of a very low person.

I cut my self off from people because all they have done is hurt me.. Asked me the questions and gave me a mental illness.
I don't know what youd call this illness, but its cut so deep, no doctor will ever cure me..

Only drugs can.. Only Tramadol.
I have been cursed by loving one person so much, that that love just continues even though its impossible.

I am 18, And I have another 50 years to live like this.
I know I have the money to live... but this money can only buy artificial things..

Hell, I couldn't have sex with a hooker because I valued love too much..
I love god, and tramadol.. Because they are the only things which understood me. And were there for me.

For all the people who look down on drugs, All I have to say is one thing, You turned a person like me in to what I am, You have no rights to take the only thing that keeps me sane away from me just because you can bully me even more..
I am the biggest coward and low life alive aren't I? I know I am...

I seal my self in a room all day, shut myself from people..
And I race motorcycles.. I ride so fast that ill probably die if I get into an accident, but god wont give me that too. He wont give me an accident.
He has given me accidents that didnt kill me, but made me suffer in pain..

Motorcycling, Tramadol, Nicotine, and lots of money. All that I ever have.
At this point, who ever "loves" me would only love me for my money.

Another 50 years.. 50 years like this.
I love tramadol because it gave me love..

I know I probably wrote this like a psychopath.. I probably am... But hey, judge me all you want.
I know what I am.. A low life and a monster. And a coward..

 

[SirTophamHat]

Sounds like you had some tough heartbreak and some tumultuous times dealing with your identity, my man.

In reference to part of your header, "I don't want anyone to read it.. I just want some place my thoughts can be saved.. For reasons i do not know of.", I highly recommend both Microsoft Word and Open Office.

 

[Erikmen]

You are young and things tend look like they last forever but they don't. You won't love this person in 50 years from now. If you are not together and if this is impossible you'll get over. Blessing are those who can love so fiercely. For a while you may compare your next relationships with the previous one but as soon as you move on you'll love again. This will be a good or nostalgic moment in the future.

But no, you won't be like this for the next 50 years. I know you feel you will, but I trust that you'll get over this much sooner. With time unfortunately this will fade away. When we are young everything seems so infinite and some of us are still so pure. And that's a good thing.

About the money, don't let it be a wall so you won't be looking for a work. Even billionaires can lose their fortune. However, if you think you are good with it you could work with money so you make sure you always have it. Some say that money brings a lot of people around us, whether this happens at work or in life in general. So get prepared to be the center of all attention. Not necessarily bad people but people.

I know how tough life can be with divorced parents. It's tough, I have been through this when I was younger and frankly it felt good as I couldn't take so much more of these daily fightings in house where you at some point become the cause of that. It's pretty common to feel guilty after a divorce but you'll get over that as well.

The thing about being older is that we can see ourselves and through our friends, family, etc when we or they were younger and know with a reasonable amount of certainty that you'll get over these things much sooner than you think.

Now, regarding your love with Tramadol is another thing. Totally different because this could make you an addict and that's when you lose years or decades to get over it. Things can escalate from Tramadol to something else and then you are in trouble, because not only the money but the amount of suffering could take a long time to be healed if ever. Meaning pure pain.

Take care!

 

[EphemeralOutlet141]

(Also very long, for my point look towards the end)

(WARNING: BORING PERSONAL STUFF)
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I had a very similar family life only my parents didn't split. They sort of fed off each other when it came to negativity. I would dare even describe my own mother as a psychopath or sociopath simply because her behavior matches up so well. Not to mention I exhibit some of the same anti-social behaviors as well.

She had no boundaries when it came to getting her way with us. It was mostly getting hit and all that at an early age until I grew up bigger than her. Then it became all psychological. I'm a screw up, a disappointment, "I didn't raise you this way". She's described to me in detail how much better her life would be if I wasn't born a few times, which as a kid is pretty fucked up to hear. Since I didn't belong with my own family, how could I belong in society? This world even?

My dad was either at work or telling me to 'listen to your mother before she gets angry'. He grew to resent me for being a problem child though. He doesn't trust me at all and has tried to get my only sibling, my sister to hate me. The day I became a home owner he just looked at the place, nodded slightly, and left. When I'm around him I don't even feel like we're related because he's been such a small and unsavory part of my life. (END OF BORING PERSONAL STUFF)
------------------------------------------------
But anyways, enough about me though as I don't want to come off like I'm starting a shitty life contest. I feel how you feel man I really do. I even use Tramadol as my DOC to feel normal and function in society. I started using traditional opiates and benzos much earlier though. Alcohol was a big part of life in my teen years just to help me be around them.

Truthfully I don't think our parents make us though. I now live with my high school sweetheart in a nice house with a kitten and we're both very happy (and she's had even worse experiences with family). Her family on her mom's side has basically been my surrogate family since we met, her mom and sister are saints who will talk to me or help me with anything.

My motivation is to not become my parents. Hell, an even bigger motivator to do good in life is to not be even anywhere close to them! I like to think that's what got me to where I am today and what allowed me to escape that environment. I feel stronger as a person for enduring it and still doing something with my life despite what I've always been told. I have a deep and very demanding drive to prove people wrong because of how satisfying it was to show THEM that I'm not worthless.

(PART ACTUALLY HAVING TO DO WITH DRUG USE)
My drug use is mostly escapism, as my view of the world was constructed by very disturbed people. My mom has forever left me with a distrust and contempt for others. It's hard for me to become close to people because I want to hurt them first as a defence mechanism. My emotions are noticeably blunted, so I've had to learn to act the way that society deems normal.

I will concede that they mostly DO make you who you are though. I had a few lessons on Socialization in my brief year of college. It's just how the brain works, we require acceptance from our role models and there's no way around it. Like I've said as well, my biggest goal is to not be that person but sadly I am no matter how much I try not to be.

Another fun fact, my family tree has a lot more junkies than just me. Addiction takes hold of nearly 50% of each generation on my mother's side and my dad's family has many avid alcoholics. My game was rigged from the start.

 

[EphemeralOutlet141]

(Sorry I don't have edit on mobile)

Sorry if I missed the point of your post, my brain is everywhere right now as I dosed a pretty decent amount of d-amp not very long ago.

I love parent stories, good and bad. I feel like you can learn a lot about a person simply by asking them about their childhood (or even reading about it on an Internet forum c. No one ever asks me so it kinda spills out onto BL lol.

 

[forestman4]

@devilsgospel I understand. You can learn alot through someone's childhood...
@erikman I don't believe ill ever get addicted to anything.. I have very strong self-control and no matter what happens I never take it more than once a week, mainly because I enjoy the effects of tramadol and I wan't my tolerance to be low.. Partly why I am not an addict is because I run a construction business and tramadol is not good when you have to stand under the hot sun concentration on construction. Tramadol is more like a drug I will only ever use once a week.. To be honest, I don't know what life will be like.. I hope whatever you say is true and helps me out.
@Sirtophamhat I had a fierce mental breakdown when I wrote this... But im pretty sure my identity is not mixed.. Don't understand what you mean by that...

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Another fun fact, my family tree has a lot more junkies than just me. Addiction takes hold of nearly 50% of each generation on my mother's side and my dad's family has many avid alcoholics. My game was rigged from the start.

my moms side has a heavy history of depression and anxiety related psychiatric issues. And all alcoholics. I was just the only one with the balls to do illegal drugs so i'm the first junkie in the family.

 

[SirTophamHat]

@forestman4, sorry dude, didn't mean that in the literal way. It sounds like you've been trying to come to terms with who you are (not confused about who you are, but in duress). One of my all-time favorite quotes is by the late, great Alan Watts: "You are under no obligation to be the same person that you were 5 minutes ago." It's easily dismissed by determinists, as well as anyone who believes in our gradual degradation of neural plasticity. Despite this, I still find inspiration and a kernel of truth in it. As long as you know where you want to go, and you make choices each day to get you closer to that spot, you will be OK. That is my belief.

 

[EphemeralOutlet141]

my moms side has a heavy history of depression and anxiety related psychiatric issues. And all alcoholics. I was just the only one with the balls to do illegal drugs so i'm the first junkie in the family.

I lol'd.

My mom was so strict and so controlling over what I knew and what I didn't so I felt like the first addict for quite a while. It felt pretty terrible, all until I sat down and talked to my grandma and learned about family members I've never even heard of.

Most of them were either deceased or living a very tough life of active opioid dependency and ignored. Frankly, I'd prefer to be ignored. Also my aunt gets way better shit than me I'm so fucking jealous.