Ragnarok-isinsight
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 12, 2017
- Messages
- 75
Posting my own tapering journey. I have to do this. I'm so determined. I just don't know how long it will take and if I've done permanent nerve damage in my brain.
I have drank daily and throughout the day with vodka or rum for the past 2-3 straight months. It started with maybe a shot in the morning to coast and be happy, then a few by the afternoon so I could sleep, then I'd wake up to go my night job and maybe have a shot before that, then drink a couple six hours later to sleep through the night.... turned into a pint a day, then a pint and a half, to two... I work nights so for really 2 months I've spent alot of time in bed watching movies and enjoying the buzz and moving minimumlly.
Repeat for the next 3 months, and I've only just discovered a 600-700 today was keeping me perfectly balanced.
I was going through a tough spot in my relationship with my boyfriend, and he moved away to Maine for those months, and we didn't speak much. I tried to repair things I disliked in the relationship with him, but he was unable to compromise with me. I hide my drinking from everyone and just maintained a buzz throughout the day, no blackout binges, but I probably constantly had alcohol in my system.
My relationship ended last week, and for the past 3 weeks I've been trying to taper down. I eventually got to about 10 nips a day but I'd wait for the withdrawals to feel unbearable til I took a nip.. the nip took the edge off but I was constantly uncomfortable.
... And one night last week during the best of the taper, I auditory hallucinated once, and then again the next morning. Both times I knew both things I heard weren't real, I didnt believe them at all, and I went to go check on them, and sure enough, no chance those things I heard happened. I went right back up to maybe 14-15 nips terrified of knowing I hallucinated. With the relationship ended.... I went back up to about a 750 a day now.
I'm so scared posting this cause I think everyone will say I have to go to a safe detox instead of tapering. My family doesn't know, and I would tear the family apart if I told them, no one even drinks in my household, they're all perfect.
I know I can taper. Doing a 75 shot made me feel so perfect, fully functioning for 3-4 hours before my hands started to shake or my body would get warm. I just dont know how much to decrease anymore, because I only wait for the shakes/heart rate/ warmth of all three to appear, and today was getting lots of pins and needles feeling all over from time to time.
I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm concerned I won't sleep again tonight. I'll take a standard drink before I go to bed so maybe that will soothe me in. I've had scary nightmares or 'i miss you' dreams about my ex since we broke up, so nights are the hardest.
My family doesnt know. I feel like with all these other symptoms I feel (pins and needles, general twitchy feeling super noticing of movements around me) I don't know which is worse than the racing heart, hots, or hand shakes.
I don't have health insurance, and I really just don't want to admit to my family I've been drinking for so long, cause I know better. I've been taking a multivitamin and eating so much food and downing a ton of water today and for the past three days, so I think that's where I found a perfect medium today, just the amount scared me, that I have to taper back from so much.
I don't know if using wine or beer at this point with the ethanol content would really help. I'm allergic to beer anyway. I know I have to speak to a doctor and maybe get naltrexone or benziodiapines, I would really love to prefer benzos but I can't get addicted to that next. I've never done drugs and smoked pot 3 times in my life. I dont know any person who does drugs so I wouldnt be able to get them off the street if I got addicted. I just want the taper to go well.
I have drank daily and throughout the day with vodka or rum for the past 2-3 straight months. It started with maybe a shot in the morning to coast and be happy, then a few by the afternoon so I could sleep, then I'd wake up to go my night job and maybe have a shot before that, then drink a couple six hours later to sleep through the night.... turned into a pint a day, then a pint and a half, to two... I work nights so for really 2 months I've spent alot of time in bed watching movies and enjoying the buzz and moving minimumlly.
Repeat for the next 3 months, and I've only just discovered a 600-700 today was keeping me perfectly balanced.
I was going through a tough spot in my relationship with my boyfriend, and he moved away to Maine for those months, and we didn't speak much. I tried to repair things I disliked in the relationship with him, but he was unable to compromise with me. I hide my drinking from everyone and just maintained a buzz throughout the day, no blackout binges, but I probably constantly had alcohol in my system.
My relationship ended last week, and for the past 3 weeks I've been trying to taper down. I eventually got to about 10 nips a day but I'd wait for the withdrawals to feel unbearable til I took a nip.. the nip took the edge off but I was constantly uncomfortable.
... And one night last week during the best of the taper, I auditory hallucinated once, and then again the next morning. Both times I knew both things I heard weren't real, I didnt believe them at all, and I went to go check on them, and sure enough, no chance those things I heard happened. I went right back up to maybe 14-15 nips terrified of knowing I hallucinated. With the relationship ended.... I went back up to about a 750 a day now.
I'm so scared posting this cause I think everyone will say I have to go to a safe detox instead of tapering. My family doesn't know, and I would tear the family apart if I told them, no one even drinks in my household, they're all perfect.
I know I can taper. Doing a 75 shot made me feel so perfect, fully functioning for 3-4 hours before my hands started to shake or my body would get warm. I just dont know how much to decrease anymore, because I only wait for the shakes/heart rate/ warmth of all three to appear, and today was getting lots of pins and needles feeling all over from time to time.
I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm concerned I won't sleep again tonight. I'll take a standard drink before I go to bed so maybe that will soothe me in. I've had scary nightmares or 'i miss you' dreams about my ex since we broke up, so nights are the hardest.
My family doesnt know. I feel like with all these other symptoms I feel (pins and needles, general twitchy feeling super noticing of movements around me) I don't know which is worse than the racing heart, hots, or hand shakes.
I don't have health insurance, and I really just don't want to admit to my family I've been drinking for so long, cause I know better. I've been taking a multivitamin and eating so much food and downing a ton of water today and for the past three days, so I think that's where I found a perfect medium today, just the amount scared me, that I have to taper back from so much.
I don't know if using wine or beer at this point with the ethanol content would really help. I'm allergic to beer anyway. I know I have to speak to a doctor and maybe get naltrexone or benziodiapines, I would really love to prefer benzos but I can't get addicted to that next. I've never done drugs and smoked pot 3 times in my life. I dont know any person who does drugs so I wouldnt be able to get them off the street if I got addicted. I just want the taper to go well.