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TDS Wisdom and advice of the Darkside Community urgently needed

R

RightOnTheEdge

Greenlighter
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
7
Some years since I posted here so this is unlikely to be a short post but please stick with it - I'm running out of strength and time to keep fighting and I desperately need some advice and wisdom so that I can hopefully come through the other side after feeling suicidal for so long with some more reasons to keep living.

For four years until last Sep I was living (well, subsisting or just barely existing would be a more accurate description) on my own in one room, alone, not working (Dr signed me off with severe depression) with my family all about 400 miles across the country. I was very alone with no friends (I'm not from that area originally) and my brother - who later said he did what he did cause he could hear from our phone calls how low and desperate I was and he genuinely thought I would kill myself soon without a drastic change in living situation - in June last year 2016 invited me to move to another city with him and be roommates.

This doubtless saved my life. My younger brother (he's 28 and I'm 40) saved my life.

All the time this story's going on I'm using a lot of fentanyl each week (prescribed for "ankylosing spondilitis" which causes baaaaad joint pain) in the patch form (think 2 x 100ucg/hr patches every 48hours)...in fact when I moved to this new city in Sep I was also prescribed 80mg of roxicodone daily too but my new GP had me come off the oxy. I abuse these patches every fucking goddamed week.... this new GP in the city I've been moved to will no longer prescribe the brand name "Duragesic" fentanyl patches which I was on for like 4 years and could not be abused bucally at all. They just couldn't. But the dirt cheap generic brand which my new GP now has me on most definitely can be abused bucally. Very very much so. I've begged the gp to change my patch brand - even admitting to them I'm abusing them each week by also using them bucally and getting insanely high after like half-hour - and they just said for cost reasons they couldn't.

Ok, moving on. After like 5 years without a job I found an ok call centre job within a month of getting to this new city and it was all going fine. But things started falling apart at Christmas when I found a new coke contact...on my fucking team at work no less. I was IV ing it and it was all downhill from there. I ended up resigning end of March shortly before being fired for too many sick days due to fentanyl withdrawals when I fucked up my patches and used too much early and then was run out and in full blown wds a day, sometimes 2 days before refill day. I don't need to say how nigh on impossible it is to do anything really apart from curl up and pray for a swift death imminently when going through withdrawls, let alon go to work when in full blown withdrawals from a daily habit of approx 350mg of oxy or 700mg of morphine.

In amongst all this I suffer from really quite severe depression (several serious suicide attempts in past, most recent 2012) and despite being employed and whatnot I never felt any less depressed over these last recent months while I still had my job and since losing it I am feeling so very very depressed on a daily basis and it seems to be getting worse.

I honestly think seriously about suicide nigh on every day for about the last 5 months and the ONLY thing keeping me alive is not wanting to fuck up my little brother who rescued me and the rest of my family. But thats it. The future seen solely from my POV is bleak and doesn't seem living for at all.

At present I've totally quit coke (2 months clean now which is a major achievment) and I've sen a dr at the local addicition centre to possibly see about getting my pain control medication in the form of once daily methadone which would be a BIG help to me. Because at present I get my new patches every Wed and invariably on Monday and Tuesday I'm uselessly out of action due to being in wds.

Oh but I'm also fixing that too by having my brother dole out the patches to me as the dr prescribed so that's a big help.

I'm really struggling to find work due to feeling so overwhelmingly down and depressed that doing anything psoitive towards my future seems laughably futile when everyday I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY considering travelling to these 500 foot high cliffs I know and ending the pain once and for all. And I've totally let my personal upkeep go. I shower like once every week, am not eating properly, my username sums it up perfectly. I've never felt so close to the edge vis a vis sucidal plans go and am desperately reaching out to the amazing folks on TDS.


Please help me.

And so on Friday I'm seeing a nice gP who I saw recently after a suicide attempt who I can tell my woes too. And he should be able to sign me off from work for a month or two so I can go on sickness benefits while getting better and it'll give me some MUCH needed breathing space...and all the time I'll keep applying for jobs too.

I'm at the end of my rope and I know they always say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but how long does a sucidial person have to endure this allegedly "temporary" problem? At some point no matter how much I love my family and not want to fuck them up by offing myself surely the depression/ suicidal ideation will become too much and something will have to give?

Straw and a camel's back etc...

So thats where I am. Any thoughts would be very welcome.

Love to you all.

RightOnTheEdge
 
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So sorry you're going thru this. Depression is hell to deal with. Have you been clinically diagnosed with something like bipolar disorder? Have you tried or are you currently prescribed an antidepressant? If not, maybe the GP you're seeing on Friday can prescribe something for depression. They take awhile to kick in but can be very effective.

Congrats on quitting the coke! Major accomplishment there. Best of luck finding a job too. I can tell by your post that you're a very intelligent person. Smart peeps are an asset to any employer.

You're fortunate to have a brother who cares and is so supportive. Keep your chin up. Stay strong. Keep fighting the good fight. Things will get better. It may not seem like it now (that's part of the deception depression wants you to believe) but you have a lot to live for.
 
Hi there. :) It seems from your post that you have already done a lot of positive things to get yourself better. I hope the GP visit goes well.

It is very sad that the doctor cannot prescribe the patches that you could not abuse. On the other hand it sounds like you have taken very wise steps to keep from abusing the new ones.

You do not have to live--it is always your own choice--but I hope that you will. You have a younger brother that would certainly be devastated if you chose to end your life (and I am sure there are more family members as well). But telling someone in pain to live for others is not enough. You can alleviate the pain of depression but it does take work. When hopelessness has been your state of mind for years, it is not only a devastating perception but it even becomes familiar enough to be "comfortable". You have to believe that you can live differently. Depression makes us passive and that is a toxic combination with hopelessness.

I do not know what is going on in your life beyond the physical pain. Depression can be caused by that alone but I suspect there is probably more going on. Can you say a bit more about what you have tried in the past for the depression?
 
I was sexually abused a young teenager by a priest in my young teens at the church where i sang in the choir.

This culminated in my first serious suicide attempt at 13 and then another at 16. The police who rescued me and to whom I spilt my guts spent several months dodging calls urging me to press charges, As an added complication my father ( the biological kind) was training to be a priest in the exact same church where all this went on and just wanted it all to go away.

AFter my second serious attempt my parents turned to me and said, and i'm here quoting verbatim, "How could you do this to us?" and i never did press any charges.

Also I've had an ongoingn love/hate relationship with diazoeam over the years and since discovering coke agin a few months ago I've discovered a diazepam connection too which is threatening once again to derails my life. But diazpeam, like coke (unlike booze for example) brings me instant relief and turns down the voice that is constantly saying" Go kill yourself now. Stop hurting those nerest to you. Your family much to their protestations to the contrary will not miss you in the long term."

I've been prescribed cymbalta, citalopram and currently mirtazapine for deporession.
 
Please can anyone else hep? Especially herbavore who may remember me as "Dhcdavid" from way back when?!"!)

Seriously peeps I'm not just being impatient because im a child of the millenium and need everything now, right now (preferably yesterday) but more seriously because i really feel terrified I'M OUT OF TIME, out of money, out of hope, out of everything including hope really.

Somethings simply cannot be fixed with positive bon mots and advice.

But please I beg you. Please surprise me and help me overcome my scepticism about the power of words and talking therapies.

PLEASE PROVE ME WORNG AND SAVE MY LIFE.
 
I was sexually abused (raped) and got through it okay. You can get past it.

It sounds like you're not on the right antidepressants, either. Maybe try changing them?
 
lazydullard said:
I was sexually abused (raped) and got through it okay. You can get past it.

It sounds like you're not on the right antidepressants, either. Maybe try changing them?
Click to expand...

I'm jealous of you for being able to get through your rape ok....(you make it sound so blase.... like a minor inconvenience) but I am not as strong as you.

Not only have I never got through my sexual abuse experiences ok I swear no matter how I die (be it through natural causes or by my own hand) my vivid technicolou memories of the abuse 20, 30 years later will still be playing in my head during my last moments.

THAT'S how much they've affected me.... so thanks for posting to boast about how strong you are. I unfortunately am not.

I've asked Dr after Dr (I literally lose count) to change my antidepressants...perhaps try a different or a new one but none of them will do fuck all.

Am seeing a nother Dr this morning inn 4 hours so fingers crossed for some positive change.
 
Hey brother sounds to me that this all stems from being abused and the lack of support from your family. Why did you never press charges? Is your dad now friends or a work associate of the perpetrator? of the abuse you suffered as a child.
I have no experience with sexual abuse therapy or anything like that but i'm sure you need to look deep within yourself and ask yourself what makes you depressed, It will be hard but once you have defined exactly what makes you depressed you must figure out what you need to do so that you can get some kind of relief
 
RightOnTheEdge said:
I was sexually abused a young teenager by a priest in my young teens at the church where i sang in the choir.

This culminated in my first serious suicide attempt at 13 and then another at 16. The police who rescued me and to whom I spilt my guts spent several months dodging calls urging me to press charges, As an added complication my father ( the biological kind) was training to be a priest in the exact same church where all this went on and just wanted it all to go away.

AFter my second serious attempt my parents turned to me and said, and i'm here quoting verbatim, "How could you do this to us?" and i never did press any charges.

Also I've had an ongoingn love/hate relationship with diazoeam over the years and since discovering coke agin a few months ago I've discovered a diazepam connection too which is threatening once again to derails my life. But diazpeam, like coke (unlike booze for example) brings me instant relief and turns down the voice that is constantly saying" Go kill yourself now. Stop hurting those nerest to you. Your family much to their protestations to the contrary will not miss you in the long term."

I've been prescribed cymbalta, citalopram and currently mirtazapine for deporession.
Click to expand...

I get so sad when I hear about these sort of abuse. Who would expect it coming from a Priest.
I know people who were abused by priests. It's hard to believe this happens so often.

I really hope you get better. It's a way to pay back and be okay with ourselves in someway.
Wish you all the best!
 
If nothing else, I can promise you you're not the only one still suffering from the repercussions of childhood sexual abuse decades after it happened and still with no idea how or even if you can move past it. Ive tried to kill myself too. I don't know how you get over it. For all I know maybe some of us just won't, no matter how much time passes. What I can say is you're not alone. Especially among the drug addict population, there are far too many of us. So I dunno if it helps at all. But you are far from alone.
 
I believe I am equally saddened, disgusted and heartbroken for you as all of us here. I am truly sorry for your senseless suffering and offer you all of my positivity and love.
I personally have not experienced sexual abuse, but many of the closest people in my life have. A large common factor I have noticed is the sense of power that keeps one steady and strong has been robbed from the victim. The trauma tells us that we are weak, the trauma convinces the mind to let it take over, the traumatized mind becomes the new master over the body.

Depression is a battle.
It is rarely an easy battle.

However, the very act of you reaching for help is the light of hope that begins to break the darkness.
You honestly seem like an individual capable of a lot of strength. You have power in your words, you in particular. If you haven't looked into forms of therapy(professional or casual) for an outlet to let your mind, emotions and spirit flow, I'd recommend it highly.
Even if it's just checking in with us, there is a great benefit from reflection, analysis and conversation.

At the very least, please take all of these healing vibrations of love.
We all have plenty for you here...
 
It is very sad that these disgusting creatures are able to ruin a innocent child's life,
I apoligize if my earlier post seemed cold or heartless :(
Remain strong and harness that strength you know you have and accept
As HeWhoHowls says so well and I will add mine
"At the very least, please take all of these healing vibrations of love.
We all have plenty for you here..."
 
I didn't mean to suggest that you weren't strong enough for overcome it. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with, but there is life afterwards. It's one of the hardest things anyone can possibly deal with, if not the hardest thing, but you can recover from it.

I'm sorry it happened to you.

I'm sorry I came off blase in my first post.
 
Many thanks to all who took the time to respond to my thread.

And cheers for the apology lazydullard... absolutely no hard feelings. I get what you were saying.
 
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