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When will the fog lift?

I took Unisom for sleep last night – going to chalk that one up as a mistake. So groggy this AM.
 
Look at how happy Trey is. Look at the difference between 2004, and the last few years, how healthy he is, how much he's loving life. That's the way. He got what Jerry didn't and the message is clear.

It won't be linear, you will have rough patches, but you can do this. How about the gym? That helps in so many ways. And sure, a sleep aid for the first week or so isn't so bad, I hate insomnia, who wants to be wide awake not feeling good? There's lots of calming stuff oit there from kava to Valerian, sleepy time tea, and other calming herbs. Melatonin, etc.

Keep it going.

I used to drink quite a bit, but that's when i was like, 16-30. Eventually my body said "no, that's not gonna work". I guess I'm lucky that eventually alcohol became like this dulling poison to me. 2 days later I'd still feel yucky. So it was easy for me to give up. You just have to know that little by little, your body will reward you with feeling good.
 
Phee said:
Look at how happy Trey is. Look at the difference between 2004, and the last few years, how healthy he is, how much he's loving life. That's the way. He got what Jerry didn't and the message is clear.

It won't be linear, you will have rough patches, but you can do this. How about the gym? That helps in so many ways. And sure, a sleep aid for the first week or so isn't so bad, I hate insomnia, who wants to be wide awake not feeling good? There's lots of calming stuff oit there from kava to Valerian, sleepy time tea, and other calming herbs. Melatonin, etc.

Keep it going.

I used to drink quite a bit, but that's when i was like, 16-30. Eventually my body said "no, that's not gonna work". I guess I'm lucky that eventually alcohol became like this dulling poison to me. 2 days later I'd still feel yucky. So it was easy for me to give up. You just have to know that little by little, your body will reward you with feeling good.
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Yep, I drank a lot from 16 to 30 as well, and tacked on another 11 years. I can't help but think it's taken it's toll. Way too many nights that are blur, including my wedding and some great phish shows. I am finally feeling like alcohol is poison. Sure took me long enough. Yet, I still wanna take a huge swig to help put to sleep. But I won't for awhile.

I keep telling myself I'll hit the gym, but haven't yet. Too much work right now and family stuff to attend to, but I'm going to try it. I've been trying kava and valerian and all that stuff, and tonight I'll try again.

Fucking Jerry. I tell ya, been listening to a lot of GD these last few days and it sounds so good. It's like my sense of music is waking back up or something. And yes, I love how happy and healthy Trey is right now! I want that.
 
Hi there. Yeah, life is s journey. We keep learning and growing (hopefully). I like a few good beers now and then, good strong craft beer, but even that has become an occasional thing. And, try going out and not drinking and watch other people drink. That's kind of eye opening too. Sometimes you can even see this dark cloud hanging over people. I don't want that. I want to enjoy life, not have it dulled out. Not that I don't have my things too. I make mistakes, I've made plenty. I've changed a lot, I try to keep working on all of it.

I was lucky enough to be able to see Jerry many times. It's astounding how much he aged and how fast! Of course, what always gets missed in all the drug talk is that he smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years. He was often overweight, and generally unhealthy. But wow, what a talent. He was a master, and the way he tapped in to this comfortable ease, the emotion, the feel he gave us. Not just him of course, the grateful dead were just a magical thing.
 
Phee said:
Hi there. Yeah, life is s journey. We keep learning and growing (hopefully). I like a few good beers now and then, good strong craft beer, but even that has become an occasional thing. And, try going out and not drinking and watch other people drink. That's kind of eye opening too. Sometimes you can even see this dark cloud hanging over people. I don't want that. I want to enjoy life, not have it dulled out. Not that I don't have my things too. I make mistakes, I've made plenty. I've changed a lot, I try to keep working on all of it.

I was lucky enough to be able to see Jerry many times. It's astounding how much he aged and how fast! Of course, what always gets missed in all the drug talk is that he smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years. He was often overweight, and generally unhealthy. But wow, what a talent. He was a master, and the way he tapped in to this comfortable ease, the emotion, the feel he gave us. Not just him of course, the grateful dead were just a magical thing.
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It was magic for sure. I saw about 25 GD shows between 93 and 95. I was so young. In August 95 I had just turned 20, was loving life and taking LSD and I'd probably have hopped on a tour or two...had my mail order tix for fall tour in the NE all set. To be young again. Had my hippie girlfriend, we were all in. When we broke up a year or so later, I think that's when things got dark for me.

You know, had a positive, honest talk with my wife last night. First time in a long time, and I learned that the way I'd been going, I was heading to Divorce city. We have work to do.

This morning, I feel the best I've felt physically and mentally in quite a while. I'm going to hold off on a kratom dose for as long as I can while at work. I'm going to not shove a million vitamins and amino acids down my throats hoping for some magic combination that will make me feel like 1995 me.

Thanks for the friendship, phee.
 
Somehow, the fog has morphed into a crippling anxiety I've never felt before. Getting hardly any sleep.
 
Update. I slept. Glorious sleep. I dreamed. Totally fucking weird dream, but a dream it was. This time a week ago I was passed out in my basement couch wishing I was dead. As far away as two nights ago I had the most crippling anxiety and insomnia. Maybe and hopefully the fog is finally lifting. Yesterday I cut out the massive number of supplements and herbs I'd been eating, stuck to some kratom, and then kava at night with some CBD isolate (no thc, from hemp) and some tea. I have a dull headache...but, knock on wood, I finally feel like the fog is lifting!
 
Nice work Krazikat :) How many days has it been since you last drank? Sounds like your body is beginning to feel a bit better.
 
Nice, so yes indeed your body is starting to heal :) Keep up the great work!
 
Phee said:
Kat, how are you doing?
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Hi Phee! So I'm doing okay, I think. I'm on day 12 of no alcohol, which, when I think about it, is probably the longest I've gone "dry" since I had my first sips in high school. Pretty startling to realize how long I've been self-medicating with beer and liquor. At some point, it became more of an addiction than a celebratory drink, and it's been that way perhaps for the last 10+ years, probably much much longer.

And for the last 5, it's been pills and booze. Sure I'd take days off here and there -- it's easy not to drink when you got the oxy's in your blood!

So I'm having some good days and not-so-good days. I'm using kratom daily and would like to stop. I just got done with a very stressful deadline, so I allowed myself to dose on kratom pretty much as much I wanted, which was about 3 times a day. My plan now is to try and taper off that.

I vaped a little weed last night, and I then had the best sleep I had since quitting alcohol. I still woke up a few times a night, but was able to fall back to sleep. So maybe I'm turning a corner? I still woke up at 5 am with the RLS and the some achiness, which I attribute to the now kratom dependence.

The hardest hours of my day are when I get home, as that was when I'd start drinking typically. That's when my anxiety kicks in and I want to drink -- but I know I need and want this hiatus. I want it. I'll revisit alcohol at some point but I'd like to give it a month. I see my wife nursing her glass of wine, and her bottle in the fridge, and I kind of want to just guzzle it, but so far I have controlled myself.

Like I said, some moments and hours are good, others are filled with anxiety and depression.

Thanks for checking in, Phee! Loved that recent RS interview with Trey, btw. Was at my kids T-ball game yesterday and turns out his coach is a phan of some 150 shows, so that was cool.
 
You're more than turning a corner. They say that when we start using we effectively get stuck at that age of development. When we stop we have catching up to do. We have to kind of get to know ourselves too. Im not one to run around giving advice, but I've come a long way. I always preferred weed but did a good amount of drinking too, primarily between like, 16 and 30. I did a lot of cocaine in my 20s too. I eventually got sick of the coke, it becomes an exercise in being constantly uncomfortable. Drinking too. 2 or 3 days to recover and feel all poisoned. It wore itself out for me. I continue to like weed, but now i have a tiny pinch here and there. Gone are the days of rolling giant joints or bong hit contests. I still like a few really good beers on occasion but this has become a treat. I like to trip once or twice a year too, usually camping or at a Phish show. Is this "growing up"? The natural course of things? Or is it this other part?; Just like cocaine and alcohol became so uncomfortable, opiates offered the complete opposite. Instead of jacked up or sloppy and ill, here came a body and mind massage, bliss, great sleep. Maybe as my brain made this switch it naturally moved away from enjoying alcohol. Opiates might indeed turn the brain off to drinking. Im very respectful of them, and very careful. These days I'm particularly fascinated with poppy teas and extracts. Bottom line is, is this all "better"? Is sobriety better than any of it? Yeah, maybe so, im still learnjng and trying to figure it all out.
 
^sounds like you're doing pretty well. Keep finding your own way with this Phee. What most people forget is that it this whole recovery thing is going to stick we are going to have to figure out our own path, what does and doesn't work so well for us.
 
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