Metamphnethylamine
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2015
- Messages
- 10
Let's hear some. I'll start with my latest and greatest depressing rambling of sorts...
I threw it all away
I walk alone looking down
My fate has crumbled at my footsteps
My anticipation sunk into the ground
It makes no difference to me now
As my decisions led me deeper
Regret became my music
Pain crept up behind me slowly
Tried to hide when I'd turnaround
Though I couldn't see it
I could feel it there
That's my only friend that knows me now
Frustration eats my heart out
Not a single whisper of doubt
But she was always my answer
And I was the question
Turned problem
I couldn't ever solve it
I drown
Sleep has become coffee gone cold
Unsteady as I walk
But I'll never let you know
Like the river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling we both know
Some things should have never let breathe
Broken waves fill the ocean
Like my mistakes I can't escape
Replayed so many fucking times
I can't remember what was real
Maybe just the first couple days
I think you broke me before you brought me back to life
I think you ripped my heart out
Just so I could stumble walking blind
Numb to my emotions
Traded my brick wall for blinds
Just so I could watch you walk away
Each and every time
Always when I needed you most
You were only a ghost
Empty spirit haunting like you put me in a trance
Always fading when I get close
There was never a back and forth when we would dance
I maybe stomped on your feelings when I was angry
But you always lied never caring about trust
I believed in you and you strung me out
All just beautiful perfect words out your manipulating fucking mouth
So I took all the blame hoping you would keep the guilt
But no that never bothered you proper
You just took every thing I offered
And all you returned was filth and fucked up excuses
Used me up 'til I was useless
But you didn't stop there
You killed my self esteem
My personality
And faith in resolutions
Broke my heart just for amusement
Yeah you replaced my eager hope filled eyes
With broken with empty
With a failure in the mirror for me to spend my whole fucking life trying to hide inside
Why else would I still go out of my way
Why else would I still say the beautiful worthless things I used to say
At least that's how you see them
You kicked me in the gut after you shot me down
Before you dragged me in a ditch and left me unconscious bleeding out
I do wish it would have killed me
I do wish I od'ed
I wish I spend the rest of my life caught up in who I couldn't be
I hope I never get through this
And I hope you're happy
But I hope you start to pity who I am once you finish laughing at me
I'm nothing to you now
Because everything I touch ends up dying
I've grown too numb and lost and bitter to still be crying
The closest things to fun in my life are sad songs
I started taking drugs to feel lost so I could still feel anything at all
Everything I've said about what you meant to me is wrong
You're the last girl I loved from the ones I've been with
But before we ended
You were already long gone
You had already cheated and led me on
Took the two Rolexes I gave you
An eight ball of coke
A leather jacket
And how many necklaces I can't even count
Matter of fact
I'd dip into rent money to buy you drugs
How many packs of cigarettes
Just so I could hope to feel an ounce of real love from your hugs
Two pairs of birthday presents last year
Everything on your wish list
Bracelets for your wrists
How many essays for your homework
How many pages of A+ text
Your final project
And final papers
So the answer to if you were gonna graduate was yes
And guess what happened next
I had more still
The ones I sent you
That landed on your doorstep
Present presents and my lack of presence
I just wanted to try and give you a happy birthday and thank you for ever being in my life in the past
That was the best present I've ever had
All you gave me was disappointment like a hammer for the sadness like nails you struck my empty heart with
Hanging my hopes on the wall that I might be a reason for your smile
That smile that makes me melt
Makes me happier than I've ever been
The smile that made me realize who I am
What I had become
What I lost in drugs
That smile that made me want to give up on it all
And never wake up
But that smile was worth any amount of pain in hopes that someday I could be reason for that smile
Just once
A glimmer of hope still glowing in my eyes
Just so I can never really be done in trying
I die a little more each day passing
But all my attempts to make you happy
End up causing problems
And I remember
I'm not worth anything
And she can say that looking at me
Shut the fuck up
Leave me the fuck alone
Just go the fuck away
I know I get it and I'm sorry okay
I really am sorry
I just wanted to tell you that you were reason I tried to turn my life around
That I believed you when you said it would all be okay
I don't believe that anymore
Today
Contemplating with a gun in my hand like an emergency brake
Put a bullet in the chamber for safe keeping
And popped 30 pills with an empty chaser
Singing
All the drugs in the world won't stop this bleeding
Sunken eyes with death in my face
But I've pretty much been dead since you erased me
I created a better story where you were what had saved me
In hopes that somehow you'd think a little more of me
So that your memory doesn't hurt like it still hurts so deeply
So that when you come to mind
I'm not desperately scrounging up a handful of pills
Weeping
Your memory tells me that I was never enough
I could never be enough
I could never satisfy
I don't even count as a guy
You made me realize the truth in my life
I'm not worth it
And any girl that thinks otherwise is just settling for a small amount of time
Once you told me
Once you made me understand
I can't even remember the last time I felt like I was even alive
Or even felt like a man
After you told me I was too small
Too little
A pathetic excuse of a guy
That's when I OD'ed the second time
And you said you were disappointed I didn't die
Well third times a charm
Let's give it another try
But I forgot the last words
One final note
And a burning filter in the ashtray
I'll just explain what I was gonna say
I've failed at every challenge for most of my life
I regret every choice I've made
And everything I never tried
But here's my last breath and final goodbye
All I ever wanted
I just wanted to be hers
Plain and simple
Her perfect smile and dimples
Adorable freckles absolutely everything
I fucking miss you
Her mind would leave me wondering both in beauty and broken thoughts
About why I feel like she's already gone
And I'm lost
In ocean eyes I died behind
Every hope
My last bit of confidence
Any will I had left inside
I was a few sizes too small
You told me laughing with a smile
I didn't even count, right?
Your company used to be so soothing
Your touch made me drunk until I was intoxicated by you
I made a habit to do the most
Always too much
But no matter what
The thought of you would make me smile
My favorite thing in this whole wide world was your lap
Laying my head down
Closing my eyes
I could finally relax
Feeling your hand pat my head and your fingers running through my hair
As if to say you'll always be there
Within five seconds I'd be asleep
And sleep for me was something I could never really see
You put me at ease
Leave it to me to destroy all that
I destroy everything
The miserable person that I am
The person I could never be
We both know why you gave up on me
Those presents were supposed to make you happy
They were my apology
And it just caused problems
But at least it reminded me
It reminded me that you'll never think anything more of me
I broke everything
To the point I mean nothing
It reminded me that if I give up on me
The world isn't really losing anything
So what if I die I'll die as not enough
I don't want this life
I never asked for it and I don't enjoy it much
There's nothing left knowing I lost my favorite person I've ever met
Just that same familiar pain inside
Like laughing when you're too sad to cry
It's too much to run from
When your dream had actually come true
And you only blame yourself
The only mistake in the mirror looking back at you
Like I was given all the happiness I could dream of
Then I woke up
It's that dream I can't have
Won't have
And never can forget too
The ones about you someday coming back to me
What I can't escape from the memory of how you once would look up at me
You left me behind without a second thought about it
I died in your shadow you left in my life
I built myself back up around it
But I grew up to be a nobody
My family raised a loser
And I'm not even welcome in my home
Or in anybody else's life either
This time I'm doing my best to make sure I'm not waking up
I wish I could have loved you
Maybe even become someone too
I'm nobody to you
I get it
The blood dripping down my chest may look red
But I promise you it's the deepest darkest blue
I never knew what was wrong with me
So I guess it's that I'll never be over you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for ever loving you
None of this is your fault
I promise
I know deep down I'm the source of all the mistakes
Honest
It was coincidence that you were the one to break my heart
But I'm glad you broke me into pieces
I savor the hurt that's left of you
Because that pain is all that I have left of you
If God exists and angels are real
And heaven is beyond the sky
If there's life in some way
In some place after we die
Ill make sure I take a wrong turn
And never make it there
I'll make sure I disappear with nothing left behind
Because heaven to me
Was a smile for you
Nothing has ever made me feel like life made any sense
Except for when I was a little bit of reason
Behind that smile on your beautiful fucking face
But I realize I will never be reason for that smile
And any attempts end up a mess
When you let down your guard so I could hop your fence
Drown in those ocean eyes and never surface
I would travel to the ends of the earth
I would wait until the end of time
Even if all it would do was just let me relive getting my heart broken by you
Or just a fleeting glimpse of how it felt to make you happy
Or if I could take away all your hurt
Just one last time of you looking at me
That one special smile you can't ever hide
And tear drops like rain drops falling so delicately to the side
When you would cry because you were happy
For that feeling of hugging you so tight
I wish I never had to let go
If it meant you would smile forever
For that smile I would die
Because heaven to me is that smile graced by the prettiest of perfect blue eyes I've ever known in my life
I thought I would make that smile my life and those ocean eyes my home
But instead they've become the memories I try
But can never seem to outrun
The heaven I hoped to find
Was your smile and ocean eyes
But I know you won't want me to find them once I'm gone
I understand without you having to say
Without you having to say so
Somehow I still always know
I promise you won't be my heaven
My heaven will be finally being able to let you go
I threw it all away
I walk alone looking down
My fate has crumbled at my footsteps
My anticipation sunk into the ground
It makes no difference to me now
As my decisions led me deeper
Regret became my music
Pain crept up behind me slowly
Tried to hide when I'd turnaround
Though I couldn't see it
I could feel it there
That's my only friend that knows me now
Frustration eats my heart out
Not a single whisper of doubt
But she was always my answer
And I was the question
Turned problem
I couldn't ever solve it
I drown
Sleep has become coffee gone cold
Unsteady as I walk
But I'll never let you know
Like the river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling we both know
Some things should have never let breathe
Broken waves fill the ocean
Like my mistakes I can't escape
Replayed so many fucking times
I can't remember what was real
Maybe just the first couple days
I think you broke me before you brought me back to life
I think you ripped my heart out
Just so I could stumble walking blind
Numb to my emotions
Traded my brick wall for blinds
Just so I could watch you walk away
Each and every time
Always when I needed you most
You were only a ghost
Empty spirit haunting like you put me in a trance
Always fading when I get close
There was never a back and forth when we would dance
I maybe stomped on your feelings when I was angry
But you always lied never caring about trust
I believed in you and you strung me out
All just beautiful perfect words out your manipulating fucking mouth
So I took all the blame hoping you would keep the guilt
But no that never bothered you proper
You just took every thing I offered
And all you returned was filth and fucked up excuses
Used me up 'til I was useless
But you didn't stop there
You killed my self esteem
My personality
And faith in resolutions
Broke my heart just for amusement
Yeah you replaced my eager hope filled eyes
With broken with empty
With a failure in the mirror for me to spend my whole fucking life trying to hide inside
Why else would I still go out of my way
Why else would I still say the beautiful worthless things I used to say
At least that's how you see them
You kicked me in the gut after you shot me down
Before you dragged me in a ditch and left me unconscious bleeding out
I do wish it would have killed me
I do wish I od'ed
I wish I spend the rest of my life caught up in who I couldn't be
I hope I never get through this
And I hope you're happy
But I hope you start to pity who I am once you finish laughing at me
I'm nothing to you now
Because everything I touch ends up dying
I've grown too numb and lost and bitter to still be crying
The closest things to fun in my life are sad songs
I started taking drugs to feel lost so I could still feel anything at all
Everything I've said about what you meant to me is wrong
You're the last girl I loved from the ones I've been with
But before we ended
You were already long gone
You had already cheated and led me on
Took the two Rolexes I gave you
An eight ball of coke
A leather jacket
And how many necklaces I can't even count
Matter of fact
I'd dip into rent money to buy you drugs
How many packs of cigarettes
Just so I could hope to feel an ounce of real love from your hugs
Two pairs of birthday presents last year
Everything on your wish list
Bracelets for your wrists
How many essays for your homework
How many pages of A+ text
Your final project
And final papers
So the answer to if you were gonna graduate was yes
And guess what happened next
I had more still
The ones I sent you
That landed on your doorstep
Present presents and my lack of presence
I just wanted to try and give you a happy birthday and thank you for ever being in my life in the past
That was the best present I've ever had
All you gave me was disappointment like a hammer for the sadness like nails you struck my empty heart with
Hanging my hopes on the wall that I might be a reason for your smile
That smile that makes me melt
Makes me happier than I've ever been
The smile that made me realize who I am
What I had become
What I lost in drugs
That smile that made me want to give up on it all
And never wake up
But that smile was worth any amount of pain in hopes that someday I could be reason for that smile
Just once
A glimmer of hope still glowing in my eyes
Just so I can never really be done in trying
I die a little more each day passing
But all my attempts to make you happy
End up causing problems
And I remember
I'm not worth anything
And she can say that looking at me
Shut the fuck up
Leave me the fuck alone
Just go the fuck away
I know I get it and I'm sorry okay
I really am sorry
I just wanted to tell you that you were reason I tried to turn my life around
That I believed you when you said it would all be okay
I don't believe that anymore
Today
Contemplating with a gun in my hand like an emergency brake
Put a bullet in the chamber for safe keeping
And popped 30 pills with an empty chaser
Singing
All the drugs in the world won't stop this bleeding
Sunken eyes with death in my face
But I've pretty much been dead since you erased me
I created a better story where you were what had saved me
In hopes that somehow you'd think a little more of me
So that your memory doesn't hurt like it still hurts so deeply
So that when you come to mind
I'm not desperately scrounging up a handful of pills
Weeping
Your memory tells me that I was never enough
I could never be enough
I could never satisfy
I don't even count as a guy
You made me realize the truth in my life
I'm not worth it
And any girl that thinks otherwise is just settling for a small amount of time
Once you told me
Once you made me understand
I can't even remember the last time I felt like I was even alive
Or even felt like a man
After you told me I was too small
Too little
A pathetic excuse of a guy
That's when I OD'ed the second time
And you said you were disappointed I didn't die
Well third times a charm
Let's give it another try
But I forgot the last words
One final note
And a burning filter in the ashtray
I'll just explain what I was gonna say
I've failed at every challenge for most of my life
I regret every choice I've made
And everything I never tried
But here's my last breath and final goodbye
All I ever wanted
I just wanted to be hers
Plain and simple
Her perfect smile and dimples
Adorable freckles absolutely everything
I fucking miss you
Her mind would leave me wondering both in beauty and broken thoughts
About why I feel like she's already gone
And I'm lost
In ocean eyes I died behind
Every hope
My last bit of confidence
Any will I had left inside
I was a few sizes too small
You told me laughing with a smile
I didn't even count, right?
Your company used to be so soothing
Your touch made me drunk until I was intoxicated by you
I made a habit to do the most
Always too much
But no matter what
The thought of you would make me smile
My favorite thing in this whole wide world was your lap
Laying my head down
Closing my eyes
I could finally relax
Feeling your hand pat my head and your fingers running through my hair
As if to say you'll always be there
Within five seconds I'd be asleep
And sleep for me was something I could never really see
You put me at ease
Leave it to me to destroy all that
I destroy everything
The miserable person that I am
The person I could never be
We both know why you gave up on me
Those presents were supposed to make you happy
They were my apology
And it just caused problems
But at least it reminded me
It reminded me that you'll never think anything more of me
I broke everything
To the point I mean nothing
It reminded me that if I give up on me
The world isn't really losing anything
So what if I die I'll die as not enough
I don't want this life
I never asked for it and I don't enjoy it much
There's nothing left knowing I lost my favorite person I've ever met
Just that same familiar pain inside
Like laughing when you're too sad to cry
It's too much to run from
When your dream had actually come true
And you only blame yourself
The only mistake in the mirror looking back at you
Like I was given all the happiness I could dream of
Then I woke up
It's that dream I can't have
Won't have
And never can forget too
The ones about you someday coming back to me
What I can't escape from the memory of how you once would look up at me
You left me behind without a second thought about it
I died in your shadow you left in my life
I built myself back up around it
But I grew up to be a nobody
My family raised a loser
And I'm not even welcome in my home
Or in anybody else's life either
This time I'm doing my best to make sure I'm not waking up
I wish I could have loved you
Maybe even become someone too
I'm nobody to you
I get it
The blood dripping down my chest may look red
But I promise you it's the deepest darkest blue
I never knew what was wrong with me
So I guess it's that I'll never be over you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for ever loving you
None of this is your fault
I promise
I know deep down I'm the source of all the mistakes
Honest
It was coincidence that you were the one to break my heart
But I'm glad you broke me into pieces
I savor the hurt that's left of you
Because that pain is all that I have left of you
If God exists and angels are real
And heaven is beyond the sky
If there's life in some way
In some place after we die
Ill make sure I take a wrong turn
And never make it there
I'll make sure I disappear with nothing left behind
Because heaven to me
Was a smile for you
Nothing has ever made me feel like life made any sense
Except for when I was a little bit of reason
Behind that smile on your beautiful fucking face
But I realize I will never be reason for that smile
And any attempts end up a mess
When you let down your guard so I could hop your fence
Drown in those ocean eyes and never surface
I would travel to the ends of the earth
I would wait until the end of time
Even if all it would do was just let me relive getting my heart broken by you
Or just a fleeting glimpse of how it felt to make you happy
Or if I could take away all your hurt
Just one last time of you looking at me
That one special smile you can't ever hide
And tear drops like rain drops falling so delicately to the side
When you would cry because you were happy
For that feeling of hugging you so tight
I wish I never had to let go
If it meant you would smile forever
For that smile I would die
Because heaven to me is that smile graced by the prettiest of perfect blue eyes I've ever known in my life
I thought I would make that smile my life and those ocean eyes my home
But instead they've become the memories I try
But can never seem to outrun
The heaven I hoped to find
Was your smile and ocean eyes
But I know you won't want me to find them once I'm gone
I understand without you having to say
Without you having to say so
Somehow I still always know
I promise you won't be my heaven
My heaven will be finally being able to let you go