custard
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2010
- Messages
- 151
hi.
haven't been on this forum in almost a year. i've been largely sober for over 2 years now (can't say 100% as every few months or so I may have a cautious night of fun) - but still spending 99% of my days sober so still definitely without the safety net drugs once provided when i was addicted.
a quick recap... when i first quit about 2.5 years ago, everything changed in my brain. i felt alone, scared, anxious, vulnerable. i also felt more alive for the first time in years, in addition to all these uncomfortable changes. i didn't realize how numb i'd been until everything was suddenly louder, brighter, and consistently overwhelming. life still feels this way in a sense, although i've somewhat gotten used to it. when i quit, i was living in a social and chaotic household. i had five roommates, and while the drama was draining, there was always someone around or something going on. i was pretty happy there, until i eventually had enough of the endless drama two years later.
at the beginning of this year, i moved to a new place. a significant rent increase but worth it. for the first time in my life i'm living in a mature, stable household, with mature, stable roommates (two) and a good landlord. when i first moved in my girlfriend was living with me here, until she had to go back to the states at the end of february (i live in canada). that was hard. i haven't seen her in a month and it will probably be at least another until i do again. my roommates are also not home much, so i see very little of them. i also have very few friends - one close friend who is my ex which is problematic, and a few peripheral friends i only occasionally see or speak to. all this is to say... i am alone more than i've ever been if my life.
i don't have drugs to comfort me, and while i am in a relationship, i don't have the codependent comfort romance used to bring me. and now, i don't have a thriving social atmosphere to comfort me, which i didn't even know was doing so until i left it. of course i cherish the people i do have in my life, but because i see so little of those closest to me, i am not protected by their presence. all i have left it seems.. in the ways of safety blankets.. is my OCD.
i've always been obsessive and anxious but never has it been this bad. it's been growing, slowly, ever since i quit drugs (although was likely there for much longer without my awareness). now it's reached a peak, probably because i am the most alone and emotionally unprotected i've ever been. ever since my girlfriend left i've been obsessing more and more about household things, needing approval for every change, irrationally terrified of every spill or imperfection, checking on things over and over in my mind and in reality, and have emailed/texted my landlord dozens of times over so many small details. i got into a habit of needing reassurance from those closest to me, asking them questions about never-ending topics over and over, feeling sweet relief when i temporarily trusted 'it was ok', only for that relief to fade in a matter of minutes/hours until the next crippling paranoia took over. i've gotten into a habit of fearing that every possible thing that can go wrong will, and will somehow lead to my eviction, or the loss of something else that makes me feel safe. it's gotten to a point where it's consuming my life, my thoughts. these obsessive fears are always on my mind, even if i'm not actively addressing them.
i didn't realize until recently that this is some form of an addiction, designed to make me feel safe. just like drugs, just like how women and relationships used to make me feel. when i get the reassurance i so desperately crave, i feel safe, temporarily. but it always fades shortly, and makes me less safe and more afraid in the long run. just like drugs. and lately, as it's gotten so bad i can't take it anymore, the checking-reassurance cycle is starting to feel more and more hollow and more and more exhausting and nauseating, just like a drug that's run its course and my body and mind can't stomach it anymore.
it feels harder to quit than any drug, though. i've forced myself to stop emailing my landlord, so i guess that's a baby step. it's been five days since i sent the last email, and i know i need to stop for good as i've taken it too far and is no longer solving anything. but the thoughts and the behaviour is still there, so much harder to let go of because it's in my mind not just my environment. and because it doesn't feel 'clean' the way quitting drugs did. when i quit drugs, it was hard at first, but once i fully committed, i was simply quit, i was done. no turning back. with OCD, my mind is constantly lying to me, telling me there's "just one last thing to attend to" and then i will feel complete, perfect, safe, secure. the voice that tells me this is extremely convincing, no matter how many times it is disproven. but there's never an end, because as soon as i attend to that thing, another one pops up, ad infinitum.
i'm glad i've stopped the email chain, as my landlord i'm sure was getting fed up and it was causing me some pretty debilitating anxiety as i waited for their various replies. still highly anxious but i feel a little better having put that behind me. even though i'm still so tempted to write them, i won't. soon enough though i'm going to have to stop myself from checking altogether. that's at the root of it. just an hour ago, i screwed and unscrewed the bathtub drain cover over and over for what felt like almost an hour, until my legs hurt and i felt sick. while i'm not harming anyone else in doing this, it's so self destructive. even as i write this i am terrified about a screw becoming loose on the front door (no reason to be) and the mythical chain of events this could lead to, but i am trying hard to resist and not check it. i will also eventually need to stop asking reassurance from those closest to me, including myself. that i believe, will be the hardest.
i didn't intend for this post to be so long but i guess i needed to get it out of my system. curious if anyone else out there is struggling with OCD and can relate. all thoughts/feedback welcome. thank you for reading my hefty tale.
haven't been on this forum in almost a year. i've been largely sober for over 2 years now (can't say 100% as every few months or so I may have a cautious night of fun) - but still spending 99% of my days sober so still definitely without the safety net drugs once provided when i was addicted.
a quick recap... when i first quit about 2.5 years ago, everything changed in my brain. i felt alone, scared, anxious, vulnerable. i also felt more alive for the first time in years, in addition to all these uncomfortable changes. i didn't realize how numb i'd been until everything was suddenly louder, brighter, and consistently overwhelming. life still feels this way in a sense, although i've somewhat gotten used to it. when i quit, i was living in a social and chaotic household. i had five roommates, and while the drama was draining, there was always someone around or something going on. i was pretty happy there, until i eventually had enough of the endless drama two years later.
at the beginning of this year, i moved to a new place. a significant rent increase but worth it. for the first time in my life i'm living in a mature, stable household, with mature, stable roommates (two) and a good landlord. when i first moved in my girlfriend was living with me here, until she had to go back to the states at the end of february (i live in canada). that was hard. i haven't seen her in a month and it will probably be at least another until i do again. my roommates are also not home much, so i see very little of them. i also have very few friends - one close friend who is my ex which is problematic, and a few peripheral friends i only occasionally see or speak to. all this is to say... i am alone more than i've ever been if my life.
i don't have drugs to comfort me, and while i am in a relationship, i don't have the codependent comfort romance used to bring me. and now, i don't have a thriving social atmosphere to comfort me, which i didn't even know was doing so until i left it. of course i cherish the people i do have in my life, but because i see so little of those closest to me, i am not protected by their presence. all i have left it seems.. in the ways of safety blankets.. is my OCD.
i've always been obsessive and anxious but never has it been this bad. it's been growing, slowly, ever since i quit drugs (although was likely there for much longer without my awareness). now it's reached a peak, probably because i am the most alone and emotionally unprotected i've ever been. ever since my girlfriend left i've been obsessing more and more about household things, needing approval for every change, irrationally terrified of every spill or imperfection, checking on things over and over in my mind and in reality, and have emailed/texted my landlord dozens of times over so many small details. i got into a habit of needing reassurance from those closest to me, asking them questions about never-ending topics over and over, feeling sweet relief when i temporarily trusted 'it was ok', only for that relief to fade in a matter of minutes/hours until the next crippling paranoia took over. i've gotten into a habit of fearing that every possible thing that can go wrong will, and will somehow lead to my eviction, or the loss of something else that makes me feel safe. it's gotten to a point where it's consuming my life, my thoughts. these obsessive fears are always on my mind, even if i'm not actively addressing them.
i didn't realize until recently that this is some form of an addiction, designed to make me feel safe. just like drugs, just like how women and relationships used to make me feel. when i get the reassurance i so desperately crave, i feel safe, temporarily. but it always fades shortly, and makes me less safe and more afraid in the long run. just like drugs. and lately, as it's gotten so bad i can't take it anymore, the checking-reassurance cycle is starting to feel more and more hollow and more and more exhausting and nauseating, just like a drug that's run its course and my body and mind can't stomach it anymore.
it feels harder to quit than any drug, though. i've forced myself to stop emailing my landlord, so i guess that's a baby step. it's been five days since i sent the last email, and i know i need to stop for good as i've taken it too far and is no longer solving anything. but the thoughts and the behaviour is still there, so much harder to let go of because it's in my mind not just my environment. and because it doesn't feel 'clean' the way quitting drugs did. when i quit drugs, it was hard at first, but once i fully committed, i was simply quit, i was done. no turning back. with OCD, my mind is constantly lying to me, telling me there's "just one last thing to attend to" and then i will feel complete, perfect, safe, secure. the voice that tells me this is extremely convincing, no matter how many times it is disproven. but there's never an end, because as soon as i attend to that thing, another one pops up, ad infinitum.
i'm glad i've stopped the email chain, as my landlord i'm sure was getting fed up and it was causing me some pretty debilitating anxiety as i waited for their various replies. still highly anxious but i feel a little better having put that behind me. even though i'm still so tempted to write them, i won't. soon enough though i'm going to have to stop myself from checking altogether. that's at the root of it. just an hour ago, i screwed and unscrewed the bathtub drain cover over and over for what felt like almost an hour, until my legs hurt and i felt sick. while i'm not harming anyone else in doing this, it's so self destructive. even as i write this i am terrified about a screw becoming loose on the front door (no reason to be) and the mythical chain of events this could lead to, but i am trying hard to resist and not check it. i will also eventually need to stop asking reassurance from those closest to me, including myself. that i believe, will be the hardest.
i didn't intend for this post to be so long but i guess i needed to get it out of my system. curious if anyone else out there is struggling with OCD and can relate. all thoughts/feedback welcome. thank you for reading my hefty tale.