Hey there C.H! Thanks lol and its good to see that you are still around as well
How's the novel going?!?
Based on my own personal experiences I would most definitely have to agree with that, TPD. I can't speak for everyone of course, I only know what I've experienced in my own mind regarding my own 7+ years-long battle with addiction... but if the majority of peoples' experience has been anything like mine, I would have to say that I agree and that people do eventually mature out of the destructive patterns of addiction and are better able to find recovery as a result. I've certainly noticed a huge shift when I compare the way things are now to the earliest years of my addiction. My relationship with not only my addiction, but also with myself and the outside world in the context of my addiction, has transformed drastically over the years. It would turn into a novel if I were to type out in detail all of the various ways in which my thinking, my mentality, and my beliefs in regards to my addiction have morphed, from day one all the way up until now. But suffice it to say though, I definitely have matured a hell of a lot since those early days... even from just a few years ago, compared to how it is now. I can point out plenty of noticeable, positive changes in the way I think about and perceive my addiction, and in how I interact with not just myself but with the world around me as well. And I fully believe these insights and personal transformations have been invaluable to my ability to ultimately find recovery. These changes have encompassed everything from my motivation levels to the harm reduction techniques I employ to having a better mentality/outlook about my addiction and who I am as a person. It's pretty amazing, since all you hear is how you cant really ever mature while youre in active addiction and how you get "stuck" at whatever age you started using. In my own experience this simply isnt true, and if anything, I have matured a lot BECAUSE of (or maybe in spite of lol) my addiction to drugs and to opiates/heroin in particular. It definitely makes it a lot easier to go into a kick and begin the detox process, if not physically then mentally, and it certainly helps me to feel much more confident about my ability to recover overall. Five years ago, the thought of going through withdrawals and then never using again would have terrified me, would have seemed impossible even, and that fear in itself would prevent me from trying at all and cause me to fail in self-defeat before ever even having the chance to start!! Not only that but I was perfectly content to run amok on the streets and commit whatever crimes and to hang out with other users who, at the end of the day, it would not be doing me any favors to be associating so closely with these types of people.
These days, things are sooo much different, it's like night and day!! I get excited at the prospect of detoxing and ultimately getting clean, and if I fail, I am more than willing to get up and dust myself off to try again. The street life no longer holds its appeal, if anything the daily hustle and grind has become stale and exhausting... anything I do to support my habit is purely out of necessity and is avoided as long as possible. There is no joy or excitement in chasing that high anymore, its all about getting well and thats it. Most of all, I have cut myself off as much as possible from fellow users and only associate with them when its necessary. My days of hanging out and running the streets with them by choice are loooong over, and I only use by myself or with my girl. The majority of these people were toxic as fuck, and I have done my best to cut the majority of them off and replace them with healthy relationships with people who dont use heroin and who are much better influences in my life. The whole lifestyle and the people who are still so deeply entrenched in it are just dull and honestly, fucking annoying to me now. Withdrawals are no longer something to be so fearful of that they become a handicap to my recovery, they are simply a necessary evil and something I realize and accept that I have to deal with if I truly am going to recover. I am not nearly as reckless as I once was. I no longer point fingers or lay blame on anyone else or on external circumstances for my situation and I am fully cognizant of the fact that any changes I make have to come from me and only me, because ultimately only I am responsible for my situation and my quality of life. Most importantly, I am no longer so hard on myself... I dont look at myself as a hopeless piece of shit junkie anymore who is stuck in a situation that will never get better. Instead, I know that I am NOT defined by my addiction and that I do in fact have worth as a human being, that I am simply struggling at the moment with a problem that I am doing my best to solve. I dont scramble around anymore trying to put on a front or a facade simply so other people wont judge me, and as a general rule, I have found that the more I have come to accept myself and own my problems, the more other people are capable of seeing me in the same way... and for those who still cant see past my addiction to the woman inside, who still make snap judgements based on this disease I have... fuck em, dude. I am no longer crippled by the stigma and fear of judgement from others because *I* know theres more to me than that and that I still have value and worth as a human being... and I feel that this, more than anything, is what has helped me the most. Reclaiming my sense of worth and self-respect and self confidence has really done wonders for my ability to ultimately heal.
And all that is just scratching the surface. I have matured in so many ways... physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... over the course of my addiction, ways I never could have dreamed of even just a few years ago. And all of it has been necessary and helpful in its own way in helping me to grow out of my addiction, in which I used to be sooo deeply entrenched, and into a recovery-oriented mindset even while I am actively using. Its encouraging to know that we are capable of growing so much. It gives me hope because I know that even if I fail, in time I WILL get it right, if not grow out of it completely someday
Sorry for the rambling, I hope this made sense lol I took a couple Xanax earlier...
