So, how do I start, I'm not excellent at expressing my emotions, nor English is my native language, so I'll try and do my best to explain what my problem is.
First of all, I'm ONLY 14 years old, so this topic doesn't have to do anything with narcotics(since most of the topics here include those), but more likely my mental state, so apologies if I don't sound mature enough.
So, about myself, I've wasted most of my life(since 4yo or so) in front of the computer playing games and daydreaming that my life will be worth living when I grow up, just by sitting in front of the monitor, but I've never ever had the thought popping up that I'm completely alone and I've never ever had any friends against me who would give me their warm hugs and moral support whether I'm anxious and need a pillar to lean on, until the age of 13 when I was still only 8th grade when everything changed. I met a boy from my class whom I somehow found interest in and spoke to him quite often until the end of the school year when he offered me to hang out with him, but I refused, lying to him that "I'm way too lazy at this moment, perhaps some other time.", but actually, I still had that addiction to computers and I wasted another summer, sitting on my damn chair...
...And so the other school session began, now me, being a 9th grader, I met him again, though something changed and this time, I offered him to go outside and he agreed. The next day we were hanging out at my quarter and he offered me to his best friend, a girl that he knew since they were very young and uh, I agreed, because he explained me her character and I liked it a lot, though I've never liked people at all. In the next day it was finally all three of us and with the time passing by, we got to know each other quite well, but there was a problem... That I fell in love with her and became so obsessed with them, but with her - damn... two or three months later though, my classmate felt quite jealous, thinking that she prefers me more than him and decided to stop hanging out with us, but he apologized after about half a month later, but during that time, I became EVEN MORE obsessed with her.
But as soon as he became a friend of ours again, she sort of started acting strangely towards me, I received lesser and lesser attention from her with the time passing by and I was somehow ignored as well. I was so pissed then, I had to talk to her about that and in the end I confessed her my feelings, but she didn't take them well and rather decided to stop going out with me, because "I hate the feeling love", but somehow my friend discouraged her to do so and we continued being friends for the rest of the time, when... It became so repetitive, being more and more ignored by her, I started whining at them and made intrigues how isolated and useless I feel, but I guess I had irritated them so badly, she started disliking me and a few days before I wrote this thread, I made her confess that she's never liked me, but she doesn't want to tell me why. Then my friend told me that he could go out with me often, but he "has to hang out with her as well, but since she doesn't like you, we won't be able to meet each other all the time." and my heart was literally broken into pieces, I've never felt so much betrayal in my f*cking life before, I mean, I've been having suicidal thoughts for years, but I've never felt in such a negative way before, so the next day at school I told him that we should stop being friends, because I find his idea unfair and that he's not even trying to fix my relations, but instead excusing saying "I don't want to make her moody" and he said "Well, alright, I'm not begging you.", but after a few hours I thought that what I said was wrong and that I want him beside me nevertheless I feel so broken, but he refused to forgive me, saying that "We'd better stop being friends, since I'm almost usually stressed and irritated when you're with me, because you keep being an schemer.". I kept asking him for forgiveness and that I won't do that anymore since I just simply needed ATTENTION I almost never received, but he then responded, saying: "No, you may calm for a month, but I bet that you're going to keep being like that.". I tried even having the forgiveness of the girl. Being so insistent, I sent her literally, I mean LITERALLY a dozen of messages, but she ended up only seeing them and here I am, the only f*cking thing I care of doesn't have mutual feelings towards me and I even promised them that I'm going to commit suicide with paracetamol as it is quite cheap here, but I don't really want to feel enormous pain, but die with peace, since she said: "He's alive." after I told him to ask her why doesn't she like me a little bit before he stopped being my friend too. PS: Now while I'm writing this novel, she's happened to block me on Skype as well : /. Now I don't even know what to do since I just want to end my life not worth living, but I read that paracetamol could only damage your liver badly and literally rip it apart.
First of all, I'm ONLY 14 years old, so this topic doesn't have to do anything with narcotics(since most of the topics here include those), but more likely my mental state, so apologies if I don't sound mature enough.
So, about myself, I've wasted most of my life(since 4yo or so) in front of the computer playing games and daydreaming that my life will be worth living when I grow up, just by sitting in front of the monitor, but I've never ever had the thought popping up that I'm completely alone and I've never ever had any friends against me who would give me their warm hugs and moral support whether I'm anxious and need a pillar to lean on, until the age of 13 when I was still only 8th grade when everything changed. I met a boy from my class whom I somehow found interest in and spoke to him quite often until the end of the school year when he offered me to hang out with him, but I refused, lying to him that "I'm way too lazy at this moment, perhaps some other time.", but actually, I still had that addiction to computers and I wasted another summer, sitting on my damn chair...
...And so the other school session began, now me, being a 9th grader, I met him again, though something changed and this time, I offered him to go outside and he agreed. The next day we were hanging out at my quarter and he offered me to his best friend, a girl that he knew since they were very young and uh, I agreed, because he explained me her character and I liked it a lot, though I've never liked people at all. In the next day it was finally all three of us and with the time passing by, we got to know each other quite well, but there was a problem... That I fell in love with her and became so obsessed with them, but with her - damn... two or three months later though, my classmate felt quite jealous, thinking that she prefers me more than him and decided to stop hanging out with us, but he apologized after about half a month later, but during that time, I became EVEN MORE obsessed with her.
But as soon as he became a friend of ours again, she sort of started acting strangely towards me, I received lesser and lesser attention from her with the time passing by and I was somehow ignored as well. I was so pissed then, I had to talk to her about that and in the end I confessed her my feelings, but she didn't take them well and rather decided to stop going out with me, because "I hate the feeling love", but somehow my friend discouraged her to do so and we continued being friends for the rest of the time, when... It became so repetitive, being more and more ignored by her, I started whining at them and made intrigues how isolated and useless I feel, but I guess I had irritated them so badly, she started disliking me and a few days before I wrote this thread, I made her confess that she's never liked me, but she doesn't want to tell me why. Then my friend told me that he could go out with me often, but he "has to hang out with her as well, but since she doesn't like you, we won't be able to meet each other all the time." and my heart was literally broken into pieces, I've never felt so much betrayal in my f*cking life before, I mean, I've been having suicidal thoughts for years, but I've never felt in such a negative way before, so the next day at school I told him that we should stop being friends, because I find his idea unfair and that he's not even trying to fix my relations, but instead excusing saying "I don't want to make her moody" and he said "Well, alright, I'm not begging you.", but after a few hours I thought that what I said was wrong and that I want him beside me nevertheless I feel so broken, but he refused to forgive me, saying that "We'd better stop being friends, since I'm almost usually stressed and irritated when you're with me, because you keep being an schemer.". I kept asking him for forgiveness and that I won't do that anymore since I just simply needed ATTENTION I almost never received, but he then responded, saying: "No, you may calm for a month, but I bet that you're going to keep being like that.". I tried even having the forgiveness of the girl. Being so insistent, I sent her literally, I mean LITERALLY a dozen of messages, but she ended up only seeing them and here I am, the only f*cking thing I care of doesn't have mutual feelings towards me and I even promised them that I'm going to commit suicide with paracetamol as it is quite cheap here, but I don't really want to feel enormous pain, but die with peace, since she said: "He's alive." after I told him to ask her why doesn't she like me a little bit before he stopped being my friend too. PS: Now while I'm writing this novel, she's happened to block me on Skype as well : /. Now I don't even know what to do since I just want to end my life not worth living, but I read that paracetamol could only damage your liver badly and literally rip it apart.
