Willpower

[RRJ31337]

Ever since i was 14 ive been getting high. It started with weed. Id steal pot from my dads can that he kept it in and get high as fuck at night. Not every night. Then somewhere around age 15 or 16 he died. I began getting high every night

Fast forward to age 20, id smoke Every morning and Every night. I started doing molly every friday and saturday, popping xanax. Around 2011 EVERY friday was atleast a gram of molly and a tab of acid.

At 21 i started using cocaine Heavily. Switched from molly to coke. Id shoot it turning my arms into pin cushions. Then i started smoking crack.

At 23, the day prince died i tried heroin and loved it. I dabbled with it, started shooting it.
The events in my life kept getting worse and worse, occuances stimming solely from the drug use.

I stopped using heroin for a bit because i met someone i really liked spending time with and the nature of heroin causes you not to remember much and i wanted to remember it all. Soon that person moved away to another state. Also heroin was becoming increasingly hard to obtain.


Fast forward to.. A month ago. I was having 8 balls delivered to my job and a new co worker started working there that goes to pick up smack every morning. I started riding with him and getting smack so much easier than i ever had before.

I quit my job due to the stress of it.

Theres so much in my life i need to fix, get back on the right track and make something of myself. I quit smoking weed after 4/20.

I told my buddy i wanted to get some smack to take the edge off the first day sober from pot in 8 years. He came and picked me up and said he'd have to drop me off at a resteraunt while he cops cause his dealer is sketchy as fuck and he needed my phone to call the dealer cause his fiance tracks his calls (she knows he uses). We pulled up to a resteraunt and i gave him the money plus my phone and he drove off. He was supposed to be meeting the dude up the street 3 mins away. It was a very bad area so i went into the resteraunt to order food so i didnt stand out.

A fucking hour goes by. At this point im outside the resteraunt pacing up and down as cops drive past me and drug dealers make deals 20 feet away from me. I figured i got burned. The drug money plus a 500 dollar phone And im in the middle of gangland.

I had 7 bucks in my pocket i said fuck it. Started to walk down the street. I asked a few people sitting at the bus stop if that bus would take me to a sertain street and nobody spoke english. I continued walking when i realized... He Has My Phone.. I Can Call It. I booked it 2 blocks down back to the resteraunt running full speed. I got in and asked to use the phone, called it 3 times and on the last ring he answered and said he was coming back now.

He showed up, i got my shit and proceeded to get high. Ended up doing too much and puking for the rest of the night. The whole point of getting that cap was so i could sleep peacefully, i didnt sleep a wink.



Today i put my dog of 17 years down.
I felt so depressed all i could think of was smoking weed, then my buddy hit me up and asked me if i wanted to go cop..

....i said no. He asked again saying he could get the price lower and i said no. He tried again saying we could spend 10 (sorry for price mention) and split half a cap And i could spend the day chilling with him... Once again i said No.

I feel so bad but at the same time i feel fucking GREAT.. Ive never said no before. To anyone.

Im crying as i type this, for the first time in my life im in control.

Whenever id tell myself "im stopping this drug or that drug" a new dealer would pop up almost immediately with better drugs and better deals. And thats exactly what happened this time but i said no and im really fucking proud of myself.

I looked my mother in the eye today while i talked to her. I dont want to dissapoint my family or myself anymore. Honestly im kinda scared not having a security blanket but all the feelings i got from drugs wernt real. It was all chemical induced. Id wake up feeling the same way i did before i got high.

I wanna make something of myself, make those fake feelings of joy i felt real. Right now i feel happy.

Sorry for the long post i just had to get this out.

TL:DR - I retire

 

[danglesmcgee]

wellll the old saying....what is happiness without pain. your faced with adversity, either you fall victim to it through destitution or death, or both or your become a lion and stomp it out and believe that within you is power to prevail over this deep shitty dark hole satan dragged you down.

If you could only imagine how happy you would be if you stomped out all these problems and became self sufficient. Pray for a stronger back, not a lighter load. You could be looking back and say to them - i prevailed, i battled and i won and now im stronger then most humans on this earth. Thus, your agony was never in vain if you so choose.

 

[neversickanymore]

Congratulations on realizing that lifestyle is shit. It will just get worse and worse as it seems your already through the honeymoon period.

If your not physically dependent on opiates then your better off as you won't have to go through withdrawals.

Will power will eventually lose every time and its a miserable way to try.

Check out the brain and addiction thread in sober living. Please read the "divided self" chapter that's linked. Your up against the elephant in yourself.

You will need to come up with a comprehensive recovery plan and make this your number one priority.

You can do this!!

 

[herbavore]

I hope we can be a source of support for you as you go forward. Neversickanymore is right about the willpower--it's a crazy thing to wrap your head around but it's important. On the one hand, yes, you will need willpower in the moment to deal with a craving or to stop you from making a call. But if you see your recovery simply through the lens of willpower it will undermine your efforts because every time your willpower is overcome, you will feel weak or ashamed. What is important is to understand everything going on in your body, specifically your brain, along with strategies for dealing with difficult emotional states. If you look at recovery as learning how to live gracefully with the hardest aspects of being human (difficult emotional states like anger, loneliness, boredom, anxiety, etc) then you can be more accepting of the process and you do not reduce the struggle to black and white thinking.