Addiction Dealing with that feeling of "Just one more time"

[Emptty]

This may end up being more of a rant/ramble than me asking for particular advice, but support and advice is of course always welcome if someone has input.

One of the things I find myself repeating over and over again is that I need to do IV heroin one more time before committing to sober living. It feels almost wrong not to, as if I'd be cutting off an old friend with no chance to say goodbye. And I also just can't imagine going my whole life from this moment forward never doing it again, I feel as if I need that high again at least once. I can't just go forever without feeling that way again.

I realize if I pursue that desire I'll likely get caught back up in my addiction and go back to where I was 6 months ago, I told my therapist I wanted to put off treatment until I had one more chance to do heroin and she of course reminded me that's not a valid reason to put off treatment. She knew that I knew that, but sometimes it takes her calling me on my shit to make me accept it.

It's not as if I'm sober now, I still mess with benzos, and prescription stims and when I can with prescription opioids. But I just need that last hit of heroin, not just the high but the rush from IVing it and even just the act of IVing something. I haven't taken anything IV since February and I miss it all so much. I'm out of H, my tiny stash is totally depleted now and I haven't had any needles available for a while so I haven't been able to IV it. A friend owes me some H but she's been ignoring me for two weeks. She's my main connection for harder shit and w/o her I'm forced to face the fact I may not get that last hit.

I already swore to my partners that I'd be entering treatment at the end of this month, once I do that there's not much turning back. Once I do that I'll have to cut off all my connections and I'll have to face the potential of living sober for the rest of my life. It's killing me inside to think that thanks to my main connection fucking ghosting me for no clear reason I may not get that one last rush I was counting on. I'm pissed with her, I'm depressed at the thought of never doing IV heroin again, I'm anxious about living with a heroin free future.

My boyfriend called this providence, said maybe my main H connection ghosting me is a sign that it's time to let go and not do heroin again. I know he means well and maybe he's even right, but it all still hurts to have something I wanted so badly torn away from me.

I'm so conflicted in my desires right now. I realized last night that part of me truly does want sobriety, that I'm tired of the ups and downs of drug use and I'm tired of taking risks that could lead to my death and I'm tired of knowing that my drug use has inhibited my ability to move forward in life. But sometimes I forget that, sometimes it's hard to remember I want to be clean because honestly I never had any clear dreams or goals for my life that drugs could ruin. I thought I would die as a teenager, the idea of planning for a future seemed pointless so I never did. I have some things now that I would like to do but because of my BPD it can be so hard to have a stable concept of myself and my desires, some days I want to get clean and get a degree and become a therapist and other days the only life that appeals to me is living in a cheap hotel room and shooting up all day.

This sounds a bit dumb but the only consistent thing driving me to get clean is that I'm terrified of overdosing and dying before my dog dies, my dog is my anchor that has literally prevented me from committing suicide in the past. The idea of her dying scares me but me dying before her is even worse because she's anxious and dumb as shit and would never understand why I left her, she would be left to face the world alone without the only person she actually trusts.

But even with having a solid reason to want to quit I still get caught up in all these dumb patterns of wanting to use one more time (which would probably turn into 10 more times if I'm honest with myself) or wanting to keep using because I just can't see a future for myself where I'm sober. I feel conflicted because my conscious desires still contradict the way I think, feel and act. I know that's probably an addiction thing but I'm just so burnt out on dealing with it. And dealing with the emotional shit that comes up for me when I realize I may just have to step back and make a conscious choice to take recent events as providence and give up on ever getting that one last hit I want so badly.

I could probably go looking for another connection but my networking skills are shit and I don't exactly look the part so scoring on the street tends to be a bad idea. I think this is one of those moments where things are beyond me, and the key is accepting the futility of fighting for control. It reminds me of the hanged man tarot card, the card of ultimate surrender to that beyond one's control and of sacrificing smaller desire for the sake of a greater goal.

I do think I know the answer here, I know I need to accept the potential of not getting that one last time. I just don't like the answer at all and it's left me incredibly angry.

 

[simco]

First thing: this is not something you need to decide right now. Heroin will always be out there, and another fix is always findable. All you need to do is find a way not to shoot dope today. This kind of thinking will drive you crazy, man.

The reason I'm stressing this is because I know all too well exactly what you're talking about. I still think that way. But that kind of thinking gets me in trouble fast.

Putting heroin behind me has been similar, emotionally speaking, to a serious romantic breakup. And this is a simile I hear often. We do get emotionally attached to our DOC...I'll even risk saying that I think IV heroin is especially good at ratcheting up the emotional entanglement. It makes stepping away seem emotionally impossible and almost like a betrayal. But that's all bullshit. It's still impossible for me to remember this for extended periods of time (I fall right back into fantasizing about her). But I keep it *very* clear in my head: I can keep her at arm's length for today.

Stay strong, my friend. You're doing the hard fucking work.

Sim

 

[Jabberwocky]

I mean, ultimately you'll have to make a choice in terms of what kind of lifestyle you are willing to live, but I personally struggled with the question "heroin or sobriety." It wasn't until coming to a number of understandings while I was undergoing MMT over the course of 2.5 years where,

1. I came to terms with the fact I in fact love opioid use (and that it is okay to love how opioids make me feel, that there is nothing wrong with this).
2. I came to terms with the fact that continuing to live the lifestyle that using illicit, highly stigmatized drugs like heroin (and opioids in my country generally speaking) would prevent me from realizing me, if meager, life goals (such as having a committed, meaningful, longterm partnership with another healthy individual).
3. I began to find the motivation to put myself out there and do whatever was necessary to learn how to connect with other people and become more authentic about whom I am as an individual (what I understand as necessary as realizing the potential each of us has as the particular persons we are, with the particular set of skills and unique life experience and history (faults and all) we posses, is connection - that is the opposite of the alienation and isolation that is the root of addiction IME).

Learning that sobriety is a state of mind, and not necessarily synonymous with abstinence was also quite transformative (it is possible to not act or behave in sober ways (skillfully, generally speaking) and technically remain abstinence from substance use - what this means is that one still engages in harmful behavior, either to one's self or others, despite no longer engaging in substance use).

 

[Sockseye]

[One of the things I find myself repeating over and over again is that I need to do IV heroin one more time before committing to sober living. It feels almost wrong not to, as if I'd be cutting off an old friend with no chance to say goodbye. And I also just can't imagine going my whole life from this moment forward never doing it again, I feel as if I need that high again at least once. I can't just go forever without feeling that way again.]

I can so relate to this!! This is exactly how I felt when I was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn't continue my heroin usage. There was always one last shot. It took a lot of 'one last shots' before it finally was the last- just over 11 years ago.
I tried treatment (didn't stick), subs (also didn't help), and mmt. It took awhile for me to get over losing my 'best friend'. It was actual grief. But I also realized that I can't function without some type of opiate, due to chronic pain issues, so here I am on methadone again- struggling at times, but better off than I was IVing.
I hope you can find it inside you the path that will bring you true happiness. It is very hard to quit, but anything is possible once you do. I'm so glad I did. Don't be ashamed if you don't succeed at first- it happens.
Good luck!!!! ?

 

[Emptty]

Putting heroin behind me has been similar, emotionally speaking, to a serious romantic breakup. And this is a simile I hear often. We do get emotionally attached to our DOC...I'll even risk saying that I think IV heroin is especially good at ratcheting up the emotional entanglement. It makes stepping away seem emotionally impossible and almost like a betrayal. But that's all bullshit. It's still impossible for me to remember this for extended periods of time (I fall right back into fantasizing about her). But I keep it *very* clear in my head: I can keep her at arm's length for today.

I really feel that emotion connection with Heroin in a way I have no other drug, the thing I try to really point out to myself with it is that no matter the degree of attachment not all relationships are healthy. The relationship I have with heroin has often mirrored the relationship I had with my abusive ex. Ultimately to save myself I did have to leave him but that didn't make it feel any easier.

I mean, ultimately you'll have to make a choice in terms of what kind of lifestyle you are willing to live

This is I think particularly difficult for me with my mental health struggles, part of my BPD is emotional impermanence and an unstable concept of self.
To put emotional impermanence simply I can feel one way about a situation but the moment that feeling dissipates I forget it ever existed to me. I find this makes committing to action hard, because when I'm withdrawing or dealing with consequences of my use I of course start to realize how much I do want to be sober. But once the feelings associated with those consequences are no longer present in my mind I forget every reason I had to desire sobriety and suddenly drug use no longer feels like a big issue.

As for unstable sense of self, I literally just don't know what kind of lifestyle I want. I fluctuate rapidly between different desires for my life and can never settle on who I am and what I want. I genuinely don't know what kind of lifestyle I'm willing to live, sometimes I think I do and then an hour later my desires for life change drastically. Makes it near impossible to sit down and honestly say to myself I want to live a sober lifestyle.

I love this on particular comic because it reminds me so much of how my unstable sense of self works

I manage one lifestyle for a bit and then I feel as though it no longer fits me so I try to change it and everything goes to shit. And it happens over and over again because I just cannot decide what kind of life I want for myself, whether it be sobriety or heroin use or whatever other novel concept my mind thinks up when it gets bored. Making the choice to live a particular lifestyle is hard because, I don't know what I want today and for all I know if I make a choice now I'm going to want the total opposite later.

I began to find the motivation to put myself out there and do whatever was necessary to learn how to connect with other people and become more authentic about whom I am as an individual (what I understand as necessary as realizing the potential each of us has as the particular persons we are, with the particular set of skills and unique life experience and history (faults and all) we posses, is connection - that is the opposite of the alienation and isolation that is the root of addiction IME).

I also struggle with this, although I'm not totally sure why. I understand connection with others is the key to combating the isolation that breeds addiction. But I also know in every attempt I've ever made to connect with others I have felt unwanted or uninvolved. I cannot attach well to other people anymore and I don't trust any attachments I do create to be anything but a one-sided delusion on my part where I falsely believe there is a connection.

I have a habit of believing all relationships are temporary and conditional in nature and thus never being willing to be open about who I am. There are also some aspects of me that quite honestly I fear being open about could be dangerous, I have had so many potential friendships ruined by admitting that I'm trans or autistic or mentally ill but those are also some of the most genuine pieces of me. To hide those keeps me safe but also prevents genuine connections from ever forming. And I know in many ways that's been a detriment to building a lifestyle that doesn't drive me to use because drugs offer me something to connect with emotionally that isn't going to judge me and isn't going to abandon me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You actually bring up a really good point Emptty. What you quoted from my post above implies that one day we wake up or something and decide to make a choice to live a healthier lifestyle. That is true in a way, but it is also very misleading because it isn't how it really works. Rather, the way recovery works - the way learning to make more skillful, healthier choices works - is that we must work on finding ways to make them each day, to transform desire into reality. It is very often a struggle, and I think you describe how you have struggled with it very eloquently.

Learning to make more skillful decisions takes a lot of time, effort, hard work and wise instruction. Anyone can do it, but we are so conditioned to want things to be different like right now, for things to do some dramatic 180 all of a sudden, when in reality the process of changing is much more like a slower metamorphosis.

You particular case with your mental health struggles really highlights the important of integrating our sense(s) of self. I think this is something that everyone struggles with to one degree or another. For better or worse, you have more of a struggle when it comes to this aspect of recovery than others. The flip side to that is that it makes whatever progress you are achieving (and clearly you have already begun to make progress from what I have learned about you) all the more remarkable and commendable.

You're one of the people I can safely say have a really amazing future in store for them. It is just a matter of time, effort, and being kind and gentle with yourself and your process along the way.

 

[Emptty]

Y'know sometimes it takes a lot of thinking over something before I come to understand it fully but the replies to this thread have actually been infinitely helpful now that I've had time to think about them.

Treatment isn't the all or nothing situation I had made it out to be in my head. It's committing to facing this in a therapeutic environment but once I get home, as Sim said, another fix is always findable if I decide sober living isn't the life for me. I don't know if I can commit to an entire life of abstinence but I can definitely commit to sobriety one day at a time.

I did cave and get a hook up for some MDMA and Hydromorphone but once that's used up I intend to focus on making smaller choices that will lead to a sober lifestyle. Including not acting on the desire to get that one last heroin fix and genuinely committing to going into treatment at the end of the month instead of putting it off longer. Overcoming the fear that getting sober is so permanent and irreversible has helped a lot with being able to take those smaller steps towards it.

I also wanted to thank you all for the faith you seem to have in me, I can't remember the last time someone said they honestly thought I had a good future in store for me. Most people have lost faith in me over time either due to my drug use or my mental illness, and consequently I lost faith in myself too so to hear something like that is deeply reassuring.

 

[simco]

Emptty, you're doing great. Just keep doing the kinds of things you're doing now. All the big issues--do I really want to quit? What kind of life do I really want? Can I trust my own thinking?--can be tackled as you go, just a little bit at a time.

 

[cj]

Its no secret I don't practice abstinence based recovery personally. It promotes black and white thinking and is a money making game at many rehabs. My best advice is to find a good rehab your insurance will pay for. There's nothing worse then spending a bunch of money getting there hating it getting no help outside a support group you could have gotten for free at home. Ask questions upfront. How many days a week do I get 1 on 1 therepy and for how long. How big are the group therapy sessions. Names and qualifications of all clinical staff. Then google. You gotta be meticulous cause there are so many fly by night hell holes that do unethical things. If you can't find a review on the intenet it's a huge red flag. If they won't answer every one of your questions or put the hard sell on its not a good place. Read through our rehab review thread. Ask people here and on reddithe if they've been there. Reddit has an opiate based forum and a general drug forum ask in both places. Treat this Luke your buying a house. Don't just go to the place that runs Comercials in your neighborhood.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

If I was able to use (opiates) "just once", I'd never have gotten addicted in the first place.

The sooner I admitted that to myself, the sooner I realized such thoughts are rationalizations for our use.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I was never able to just stop using and never look back. I did however dabble less and less frequently as time went on. I am however afraid to use now, because the potential costs of using are far to great (from ODing again to getting charged again with another felony or something).

Replacing drug use with other things that made my life fulfilling in more sustainable ways was the ticket. But that took a lot of trial and error, and time and effort. Which is why I say, slow and steady wins this race.

The more I let myself think about using - like actually visualizing drug use or thinking about how I wanted to use whatever substance - the harder it was to not use. But the more I replace those kinds of thoughts with healthier, more wholesome thought patterns (like how can I achieve whatever goal that is more important to me - like finding that life partner or working my way into my dream career), the less time or inclination I have for thinking about using. And the easier it is not to be tempted.