Hey guys, this is my first post on bluelight. I want to explain what's been going on with me and see if there's anyone else out there with advice or similar experiences. Last October (6 months ago) I went to my first rave. I tried MDMA for the first time and it was fantastic. No bad come down, no hangover, just a great experience. So, a few months later I decided to try it again. Everything was great after the first pill (.1) so I took another one a few hours later. Still having a good time, I went back to an after party with my friends. Everyone was doing "dip" -- putting pure MDMA powder on their fingers and licking it off...so naturally in my state I wanted to join. A couple hours later, someone handed out some more pills and we all took them. Looking back, I know I should have stopped after the first 1 or 2 pills but I was having the best time of my life and I didn't want it to stop. After we took the last pill, we all went out to smoke a joint. I took a couple hits (never been a huge fan of weed) and then went back inside. Within 30 minutes I started to feel like I was dying. My whole body was clenching uncontrollably, my pupils were more dilated than I had ever seen, I was sweating profusely, had extreme cotton mouth, and my head felt like it was on fire and going to explode. I felt nauseas and kept drinking water (probably a a few liters) because I couldn't get rid of the dry mouth. I spent the next eight hours holding my head in my hands thinking I was going to die. My friends were all supporting me telling me I was going to be okay and I just needed to sleep it off. At about in the morning I finally fell asleep and woke up around 4pm. I felt so much better, even well enough to get myself to the gym. I went about my life for a while, telling myself I would never take that much ever again. A month later, I went to another rave. I decided to take just one pill and it was another great time...until the comedown. After I thought my roll ended, I took one hit from a joint and a few minutes later I got the same nauseas feeling I had the last time. My friends told me I collapsed but I don't remember that happening. They gave me a bunch of water and I immediately felt better. I remember as everyone was crowding around me trying to help, I stopped them and said, "GUYS. I feel AMAZING now!" and the night went on as normal. My thought at the time was that the weed brought back my roll but in a really bad way. This was a two day rave, and the next night I took another pill. The comedown was similar to my first bad reaction (head hurting, cotton mouth, sweating) but my body wasn't clenching and I felt more in control. It honestly just felt like a bad, hot headache. The next few days were weird. I went to work the next day feeling fine, but on my way home I felt like I was having an anxiety attack out of nowhere. I wasn't anxious or nervoua or anything, but my whole body started shaking and my chest felt really tight. I had to pull over my car and look at myself in the mirror to tell myself I was fine. Since that day I've had a flurry of problems. I had a major panic attack the next day at work -- the room was spinning, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, I was dizzy, my chest was tight...I freaked out and had my boss take me to Care Now, where they told me everything was fine (and took my $150 
). After a week or so I started to feel better, almost completely myself for a good 2 weeks! I thought everything was back to normal. But, things slowly started declining. I've had major depression and depersonalization the last couple months. I don't get joy from things anymore. Nothing makes me excited. I can't sleep without taking sleep aids, I've gone to a psychiatrist who put me on Rexulti (an anti-psychotic) but it made me feel numb to the world. I stopped taking it and now I feel even more numb. Like I just don't get any emotions or feelings anymore. I don't feel love toward people, my friends don't make me happy, little things that used to excite me don't do anything for me anymore. Music used to be my escape and now it's just noise. I've had passive suicidal thoughts, mostly because I feel like I'm already dead inside. I miss my old self. I miss my life. I miss enjoying my life.
I know this is a super long first post but I'm finally putting it all out there, and it's been a long journey. I guess what I wanted to know is if anyone else has felt this way and does it get better? Right now I feel like I'm empty...and I'm stuck in this hole I can't get out of.
). After a week or so I started to feel better, almost completely myself for a good 2 weeks! I thought everything was back to normal. But, things slowly started declining. I've had major depression and depersonalization the last couple months. I don't get joy from things anymore. Nothing makes me excited. I can't sleep without taking sleep aids, I've gone to a psychiatrist who put me on Rexulti (an anti-psychotic) but it made me feel numb to the world. I stopped taking it and now I feel even more numb. Like I just don't get any emotions or feelings anymore. I don't feel love toward people, my friends don't make me happy, little things that used to excite me don't do anything for me anymore. Music used to be my escape and now it's just noise. I've had passive suicidal thoughts, mostly because I feel like I'm already dead inside. I miss my old self. I miss my life. I miss enjoying my life.I know this is a super long first post but I'm finally putting it all out there, and it's been a long journey. I guess what I wanted to know is if anyone else has felt this way and does it get better? Right now I feel like I'm empty...and I'm stuck in this hole I can't get out of.
