Recovery Sex Addiction and Sexual Compulsivity (Hypersexual disorder)

[Overcoming]

Hi Guys,

I have posted a thread with the N&P section about anti-craving drugs. I think that I could do with a journal to post stuff on here, so I gone ahead to make this thread.

My life has been completely and utterly decimated by compulsive sexual behaviours. I literally do not know where to even start. In the summer of 2013, I had first hear about the NoFap phenomenon through a friend and the Your Brain on Porn website. I was excited by all the recovery journals and the anecdotal reports of men saying that their confidence and social anxiety issues were hugely helped by NoFap. I was desperately trying to gain more confidence in my life so I went full steam ahead with the NoFap thing.

In 2014, I was at home still because I had no job and was waiting for employment to start earlier in the year giving me a lot of time to do nothing really, so I thought that I would still try to get this addiction completely sorted. I kept reading how I needed to get to 90 days of complete abstinence and that this addiction would weaken and the pathways in the brain would start o break down.

During 2014, I would only manage to get a few days or number of weeks and then relapse. But I noticed that over time, when I did relapse, I would compulsively start doing new activities and behaviours that I had never done before. Looking back, it was like somebody had injected my head with a craving for a new idea and I would compulsively act it out.

In 2015 this carried on, except that I got upto 2 months sober. Then over the summer of 2015, I got my longest period of abstinence which was 88 days. I was so disappointed that I did not reach my target of 90 days but thereyougo. I need to mention during this time, that when I did act out, I was be completely enveloped in the bubble or the trance. I literally lost ALL self-control, completely powerless and the euphoria that I did experience was absolutely overwhelming. I would often masturbate a few times very quickly in compulsive succession as well, unable to control myself, since the "first one" was so euphoric.

I was really pissed about this, but thought that I would try again. I had just started a new job as well and generally things were okay in my life. Then, all of a sudden, a new behaviours compulsively cam minot my head, like before, but this time the cravings and the magnetic pull were absolutely insatiable. It was to go and see a transexual escort . I had seen female escorts before, but that was my decision, and I did not feel bad about it at all. I never got "cravings" like this as well, although the desire was strong, if that makes sense. With this transexual thing, it literally make me feel sick in my stomach with a massive knot of anxiety, but I couldn't stop myself from going. I LITERALLY tried to stop myself, by walking in the opposite direction, but I was completely controlled like a puppet on strings. The experience was awful and I came home in absolute pieces. It was only a week ago, that I thought that I would reach my 90 days and get a "reboot" and now this has happened. Not once in my life, had I expressed any desire to have with a transgender person.

I became extremely sexually confused and OCD, and ended up repeating the experiences a few more times, but each time, I did not fully allow myself to "get into" the experience if that makes sense (you can use your imagination for what i mean). I think this is because, all my adult sexual life, I have only eaten pussy and enjoyed it somewhat.

All of 2016, my cravings and the compulsivity were through the roof. It is absolutely impossible to describe it, but felt a million times stronger than the pull for cocaine. I went twice more early in the year, and managed to stop after that, but all the while, I would get cravings that were head-splitting and I would have to satiate myself by watching porn.

I tried group CBT designed specifically for sex addicts. It was good to meet other men, but I have not come across a single guy, who had the problem that I have had. I tried 12-step stuff and that is another story, another trauma that I suffered.....perhaps more on that later, when I feel a bit more able to write it all out.

To save myself from going to another escort (i actually went up to his/her door and turned away), I took 0.5g (roughly) of ibogaine TA from the internet. And then at this very time, I developed SEVERE depersonalisation-derealisation disorder and I tried my first attempt to kill myself.

Life for me continues to be absolutely horrendous, not least beause of the horrible dp-dr and the cognitive deficits that came with that, but the cravings and just my whole fucking life basically. I am waiting to see a psychosexual specialist psychiatrist but the wait is proving to be very long.

Had I known, had I fucking known, that things were going to get like this, I would have gone to see a professional 2 or 3 years ago when my addiction was lesser (just to porn and masturbation). I would have even done some ibogaine, maybe not a full flood but some micro-dosing. I believe that I have been in the grip of an escalating and progressive addiction. And I am in hell.

 

[simco]

I'm so sorry to hear about the space you're in, man. But I'm glad you posted here.

Did you find the CBT work helpful? Personally, as much as I'm drawn to CBT and DBT, I never seemed to make much progress addiction-wise with them. Again, speaking only for myself (I'm a heroin addict, btw, in case that matters), "deeper" types of therapy helped me make a little more headway. But I know that many people with addiction-related disorders report great help from CBT.

The early stages of picking up the mess from an addiction are daunting and frightening. But it gets better. As long as you're breathing, it's not too late to start moving forward.

I hope you'll continue to write about your journey here; the community would benefit from hearing your story, and my guess is you'll find it helpful too.

In any case, I'm pulling for you. Keep your head up!

Sim

 

[Overcoming]

No, not really. But I won't write it off.

Before I took the ibogaine, I literally had a craving in my head that was so strong it very nearly made me vomit once. I am not exaggerating. I felt a HUGE mangetic push to my addiction that I cannot even describe. What the fuck. I have sat here pondering this madness for a year and a half. I have left it to the guys in the Neuroscience section of this forum to work it out. So nothing was useful.

I think a big big section of what I am going through is the chemical pul of an addiction. I will be speaking to the doctors about what drugs I can try to manage this. I WISH I knew what I was going through now, a few years ago. I would have tried lots of different things with it. I also believe that my vast drug use in teenage years (and alcohol), have exacerbated the porn and sex addiction by deepening the addiction and making my brain much more vulnerable than would have been otherwise.

I am basically holding on and white knuckling at the moment. It is not good at all but it is the most that I can do right now.

I will keep this journal updated over time - I do think that this could be really useful for people. I advise people to read my thread here as well:

http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/818851-Anti-addictive-agents

 

[simco]

Thanks for the link to your other thread; that gives some more context as to where you're at.

It sounds like you've done a lot of research and a lot of work on the neurobiological aspects of your addiction. Are you open to considering less biologically motivated approaches to recovery? In particular, I'm curious how deeply you've explored the psychological/emotional underpinnings of what's going on. For many of us (people who are addicted), there are deep-seated, core traumas or pain that complicate how we reward ourselves, how we relate to people, places, and things. Personally, it wasn't until I got really serious about honing my skills for managing these aspects of myself--in my case, trauma and self-hate--that I started making any headway towards cleaning up from heroin.

Basically, I'm suggesting that at the heart of most addictions is a core of profound pain. Learning to deal with that pain is a crucial step project in many peoples' recoveries. I don't know if that resonates with you, but it's been crucial in my own experience.

 

[lazydullard]

Sounds awful, Good luck OP.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think it's possible your more 'extreme' sexual behavior was a result of trying to abstain from all sexual behavior in the first place. Have you worked at accepting your sexual identity/orientation at all?

Sex and eating aren't addictions, technically speaking, but I'm all right with having behavioral issues like these in Sober Living.

Taking a large dose of psychedelics when you're in a bad spot in life can be a poor choice, and am sorry to hear you had a bad time. DP/DR is a normal effect of using psychedelics (I personally have never done ibogaine, but would always get intense DP/DR on high dosage mushroom trips, and I mean always). I wouldn't overthink or worry about having persistent DP/DR thoughts/beliefs.

 

[Overcoming]

I don't know how much the psychological stuff is relevant to me. I mean, I am sure that it is, and will explore this with a therapist. I am open to it, and definitely open to learning solutions and practical techniques (key words folks), to managing my life, stress and emotions better.

As for the biological aspects...I can't stop. I literally cannot stop. The rapid escalation of my addiction, the never-ending mental obsession, as well as the hard physical craving are making my life hell.

I just posted this in my anti-addictive agents thread:

Again I have done more thinking about this, and this has got absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality. I used to go to an adult website to select an escort to use, and each time this was a female escort. At no point in my life did I ever even want a transgender escort. Literally, like it never even crossed my mind.

Anyway, being gay or bisexual would make my problem very easy to be solved.

I am really stuck in hell here. My cravings are so intense and painful, in every sense of the word. They are going to drive me to suicide unless I get this sorted out. I don't know whether it is because I have used SO much porn growing up as well as lots of drugs (sometimes together: I used GBL and then would go on porn binges), that I have made my brain addicted to this. I know have a very lively debate in here, but at the end of the day, from my point of view what am I going to do?

Before I can even do the therapy, this needs to be sorted out. I am SO FUCKING DESPERATE and sick of this, that I seriously feel like dying. Definitely, truly, beyond crazy. Last year when I was working on my project in the library, the cravings and pull of the addiction were so strong that I could barely read a page on the computer. What would normally take me a few minutes, took ages.

And what has happened to me with the transgender thing has completely devastated my life. I can't even get into the pain and trauma of that. I was an extremely intelligent young man who has faded away into nothingness. It is beyond sad. I never ever ever in my life would have dreamt that I would see these kind of escorts and never knew that I would get launched into this true living hell. Please help me.

 

[Overcoming]

I do regret taking the ibogaine because it has seemingly messed me up, but if I didn't take it, then I think that I may have gone back to the escort.

I feel suicidal. I just want to re-start my entire life, preferably from teenage years. I realise now, the first time ever, how stupid, reckless and compulsive I have been. No, I had to rebel against everything and my parents, thinking that I knew best because I had read PHIKAL and THIKAL. What a fucking joke.

This might sound like a minor thing, but I have never ever had a realisation like this before.

Like I said, I will address the deeper issues, but I want these cravings to fuck off completely. Living like this, is nothing short of hell. Kids - if you are 15 or 16 like I was, when I first was introduced to Bluelight, then please take note.

 

[jdfisse]

EMDR has proven useful in treating PTSD, it might have value in this. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is the full name of it. I am glad you felt comfortable posting this. "Sorting" stuff out before therapy may be counterproductive, it might end up that therapy helps "sort" the stuff out.

 

[Overcoming]

It might be, I mean if therapy is offered to me today, I will turn up and go to therapy, no problem. My depersonalisation-derealisation is also completely fucked up.

I have felt really really sick today, when I truly realise how badly addicted I am to this. I mean, there are lots of men my age addicted to pornograhpy who are aware of that and some not, but the level of craving and the degree of compulsivity that I have experienced is shocking. Furthermore, the fact that it has gone to the transgender escorts is truly horrifying. I don't mean to be homophobic here, but it is mental. I cannot believe that I missed the signs that it was progressive and escalating. In 2014, about 8 months before I was literally sent to the escort by my addiction, I was doing some weird stuff whilst masturbating and then randomly searched for one of these transgender escort. I got really excited and thought very closely about picking up the phone to call one, but thank god I didn't. But it shows you how it was going in that direction. But because I didn't expierence anything like that again, I thought nothing of it. Somebody else may be able to fill me in on the facts, but it seems like a never-ending dopamine crescendo, but at a certain point of "use", I was powerless. You have crossed that line where you are addicted, as is the brain.

In fact, now I think about it, when I was 18 I actually got that same thought (i remember lying in bed, getting an erection, and then being like wtf). It's just crazy writing about it. Drugs and porn were so normal to me, that I had completely lost the plot about what was normal. So so tragic - I would do anything in my life to go back to those times and sort it out. Hell, even going back to 3 years ago now would be awesome. I got into porn early (13) and got in deep quickly. gay porn transexual porn, violent porn, just everything.

I think that porn addictive thrives, and may even depend, on shock, fear and traumatising images and videos. For me, the harder it was, the more fucked up and more taboo, the more I was into it. I think that the addiction starts to take one into that direction anyway, but there may be psychological and familial reasons why I was drawn into that anyway. I guess that is where the therapy will be informative and revealing.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

The way you talk about all this makes me think you might have OCD. Have you seen a psychiatrist for a diagnosis ever before?

 

[Overcoming]

Yes I have seen many psychiatrists, but haven't been diagnosed with OCD. I don't know if I am, only the doctor could say so, but I do find it remarkable that none of them have asked me or investigated that line. They are fucking special. That is why I can't wait to see the psychosexual psychiatrists as soon as possible.

I will add that I also tried to work a 12-step program but that weren't ultra distasterly. I really struggled with the program, I found it very very difficult to make sense of. I don't believe in God, but if there is a loving god, then please help me!

 

[jdfisse]

My experience in 12 step recovery has been that belief in God is not necessary, but believe in something outside myself warms me up to the idea of belief in myself (so "God" tends to be a general term). There are a ton of cliches that sound great, but are opposite to my experience (and most people's if they were to deeply evaluate it). I will give an example, "We will love you until you can love yourself!" Sounds like a nice idea and probably does happen to some extent, but my experience has been that I was able to learn to love others which allowed me to start the process of learning to love myself.

No one has harmed me worse than I have harmed myself, so in learning to forgive and love others I eventually start to come around to being capable of forgiving and loving myself. Recovery is a process that generally has me practicing principles with those around me so I can learn to practice them with myself.

 

[Overcoming]

I'm not completely closed to it on the back of what happened to me, but it did not seem to lessen the actual craving or the obsession. Perhaps there are elements of what is driving my use that can be helped by such a group, and that may be important later, but it did not seem to do what it promised me. Some people there said only God can do that, which scares me, because I don't think that such a thing is true and that some kind of pharmaceutical or medication would be the only thing that could do that. I think being in a genuinely helpful group would be good though.

What are your thoughts on that?

 

[only]

Hi Overcoming

I relate in so many ways. I know exactly what you're talking about. I also had a terrible experience with 12 step too. 10 years if that pain. Don't go through the same if you can.

The only thing I learnt was mindfulness stuff. IN a way the pain is a good thing. I believe people with mental illness are at the forefront of evolution. That's another story.

Do you want to change or erase parts of your story and can't? I know that pain. But you arent a story. And it seems like the only person you are hurting is yourself.


Hard to type on my phone. But if you want to talk more I'm here. Pm me or whatever.

Im good now just so you know. There is hope mate.

 

[Overcoming]

thanks. I think that we should talk more.

I have been thinking more about my position and what is going on. I don't know whether it is related to my extremely severe depersonalisation, but I am getting more images and memories of my life flashing before me. i think that I have already made a post about it above but it's worth writing out again. This is the first time that I have really been able to take an honest look at myself, as best as I can, and I have really fucked up an extremely privileged life with incredible opportunities. I used to be one the of the smartest young boys in my school and at one point was thinking about going over to America to study at Harvard. It's fucking sad. I can't deny that my home life was extremely fucked up and growing up in a house like mine was extremely difficult. It probably contributed hugely to my impulsive-compulsive nature and general lack of regard for consequences or my diminished drive and ambition.

The overwhelming thing was how young I was when I started taking drugs, and how almost academically I pursued that. I am not going to comment about other people on blue light, because it isn't my business and it will probably anger them, but for me, none of it was worth it. It's all bullshit. If it was just a bit of weed and popping a few valiums I wouldn't care, but there again I probably would not have felt it either. I took loads of different things and research chemicals as well - who really knows what that does to the adolescent brain when combined with environmental stress and genetic influences.

Then there is the porn. The silent bastard that has led me into this position. Now I understand, looking at a timeline of all of this, why my craving is so severe. All of the chemicals plus all the porn...recipe for anything-is-possible. It just sucks so much that I did know about ibogaine a few years ago, because whilst it may not have been the total solution, it probably would have stopped me escalating further to the transexual escort. The signs for that again were there but I missed them because I was blind. Friends of mine are getting married to beautiful decent women, and I have been having sex with men. If it was not for porn, I would never ever have even known about transgender let alone do the unthinkable. It makes me sick that I have had drug-like cravens for that. Talk about your addiction throwing you under the bus. Porn has done a fucking number on my brain.

I can also clearly see my character defects and the bullshit that I have put other people through over the last decade or so. My problem with the 12-step program is mostly to do with God. I am obviously not a religious man, but I think that following traditional religious ethical models would have had good functional utility in my life. I want to follow them now (basically become a good person), but I struggle to believe that even then a loving God will help me, if at all he exists. I just think that if there was a God then he should help people when they are truly willing to change and want to live in an ethical manner.

I definitely want to erase the last year and a half of my life. It has been nothing but pain, pain and more suffering.

It's scary with the state of the health system in the UK - will I even get the kind of help that I need? I need to.