I want to get clean, bf wants to still use. Going back and forth deciding if I should

[hill123]

We have been together for 3 years. Longest relationship I've ever had and i love him more than i can explain. He has used pills for about 10 years. I didn't know this until after he moved in with me 3 years ago. He introduced me to them and i fell in love. So we both were addicted now and for the first 2 years I was the only one working and paying rent and for the pills. He would occasionally pick up some for free by middling or get money from his family, but it was mostly all me. It was so frustrating that he wouldn't try to get a job.

At the end of the 2 year mark i ended up losing my job and car and got evicted. We moved on to heroin, first snorting and for the past year its been IV. Since we came here broke, my bf has been middling/getting money from family/pawning items for our habit.

Now, back when he moved in with me and we were doing pills, we would go pick them up together and do them together. There was no hiding of anything and i split everything with him 50/50. But now, he goes to pick up without me since hes middling. He used to bring in whatever he ended up getting and splitting it up with me and we would do it together. No hiding. Now he will go to the bathroom to split it up and do his shot in there. He will give me maybe half a point if im lucky, but usually its like a quarter of a point.

He will say he split it up even but will visibly be higher than me and nod. Also there are times he will say he didn't get anything and so ill have to be sick all day but he won't be acting sick at all. He gets mad at me if i bring this up saying im always accusing him of lying when he's not.

But i have caught him in many lies over the past few months. My grandparents sent me $100 to pay a cell bill and i told him not to touch it and he ended up using all the money for drugs and then denied it until finally coming clean. He middled for someone and came back saying he didn't get anything and when i texted the person they said they did pick up and give him some.

We fight constantly because i always feel like he's lying and it hurts that he can see me sick and go get well himself. Because in those 2 years i paid for everything i shared it all even if that meant i was going to be sick for work.

Now, I've been debating leaving for the past year. But something keeps telling me to keep holding on because maybe it will get better. I do know i am co dependent and afraid to be alone. And i did want to be with him forever but i don't want to be an addict forever.

Its to the point that im barely even getting any drugs so i am sick almost all the time, and when i do get half a point it just gets me well. So i feel like this would be the best time to quit if i was going to, since im barely doing anything to begin with. I told him for the sake of our relationship we should get clean, and he said he can't right now because he want handle the withdrawls and doesn't have money for subs and doesn't want to go to a doc for them because he doesn't want that on his record.

I have talked to family/friends and they all want me to leave. This Saturday i have a friend willing to pick me up and take me home. So i have to decide what to do quick and im so terrified. My bf today just got his liscense back and applied to a job hes pretty guaranteed to get. So that's why part of me is wondering if i should stay and see if him working will make our relationship better and see if he will actually get on subs. Im worried im going to leave at the worst time when things actually have a chance to get better. Im so worried im going to make the wrong decision...

 

[lizziebethd]

Trust me, it won't get better. Once an addict has started lying to their partner, they won't stop. Even if he gets this new job, his reasoning will be that he needs it more than you because he cannot work if he is dope sick. He will just spend more money and give you tiny scraps of what he gets. Wouldn't't you rather be sick for a few days and get the withdrawals out of the way and feel normal again than to keep draagging out the withdrawals just to get a tiny taste of dope here and there? It just is not worth it. I understand you love him but he loves the dope more. He proves that every time he lets you stay sick while he gets well. I have been through this with my ex many many times. It is pure he'll. Please just do what you gotta do to get clean and find someone who can truly love you the way you deserve. But whatever you do, don't switch to subs or methadone. I made that mistake and it is he'll coming off of them. Coming off H is much easier. Ask anyone. I hate that I ever heard of a methadone or sub clinic. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

 

[herbavore]

Have your friend pick you up and use the support your family is offering. Get yourself into counseling so that you can work on what leads to the co-dependence and low relationship expectations. You don't have to hate your ex or blame him or vilify him in any way but you do need to realize that you cannot get to a better place with him at this time. I think from your post that you already do know that so just act on your better instincts and not those that seem easiest. It takes courage to leave a relationship when you are afarid of being alone but learning to stand tall on your own two feet is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

 

[hill123]

Thank you all so much for the responses. I decided i am going to leave Saturday. I have never broken up with someone, i hate hurting people (though i don't even know how hurt he will even be since he still has heroin). Do any of you have advice on what to say when i tell him im leaving? Id really like to try and go as civil as possible.

 

[herbavore]

Tell him that you want to leave to save yourself and that you really hope he will find his own way to want the same for him. Tell him that you care for him but that for now you know what you need to do. You don't know how he will react but remember not to take anything personally when he does react. people react to hurt in different ways but sadly many people let all their inhibitions down and react by lashing out. If that happens, take it all with a grain of salt--he probably doesn't even mean any of it.

I am very happy for you that you have decided to do this. Keep us posted on your progress. You will be able to look back on all the hardship you are about to face as simply the time you got serious about living the life you want to live. No matter how hard WDs are, no matter how difficult it is to face your vulnerabilities and issues that underlie your use, you are going to come out of this strong and healthy and ready to face the challenges of life using your own strategies that work for you. People that develop good strategies for recovery have a real advantage over people that have never had to go through recovery because those strategies are actually the best life skills you can have: self-acceptance, the ability to withstand cravings and evaluate instant rewards with long-term rewards, compassion for yourself and others as vulnerable human beings, introspection and changing neural pathways, just to name a few.

Use this thread to get support along the way. There are many ways to approach recovery; each person's recovery is completely unique even while you share many things in common with everyone else that is struggling to recover from addiction. There is no need to subscribe to any one way dogmatically--take what works for you and gracefully reject what does not (I say gracefully because maybe it does work for someone else). In addition to the 12-step model, check out Smart Recovery and do not overlook the importance of psychotherapy or counseling that can lead you to a better understanding of your own most defenseless states of mind--how you got here and what you can do to change old patterns and ways of thinking that trap you. Also, be prepared that even the most well meaning family members who want to support you may inadvertently undermine you. Be gentle with your family but insist on education for everyone. The more everyone who wants to support you can understand that this is not simply about "willpower", the better for everyone.

You have made a very difficult and courageous decision. Celebrate today, mark it on your calendar. You chose to listen to your truest self.

 

[szuko000]

Thank you all so much for the responses. I decided i am going to leave Saturday. I have never broken up with someone, i hate hurting people (though i don't even know how hurt he will even be since he still has heroin). Do any of you have advice on what to say when i tell him im leaving? Id really like to try and go as civil as possible.

I was in a very codependent relationship with my ex and I didnt realize how negatively that affected my life until she decided to end it. The biggest difference for us was that we had gotten clean and our relationship had become stagnate and by this time we were both different people, i just didnt want to accept it. For some reason at that time i felt i needed her for validation for some reason... her ending our relationship was the beginning of me falling in love with myself. I hadnt realized how much i gave up or put aside to be with her and my fear of being "alone" was a fear of change.

We are still friends to this day and i actually got her a job where i work because her lapse in employment due to previous addiction was making that impossible for her. This has the potential for you to truly discover who you are as hard as it is to believe, I know I wouldnt have.

In life you really need to focus on you, if you dont no one else will. If your actions hurt someone then do what you can to buffer them but is he thinking of your feelings with his actions?

 

[d3athadone]

I second fuck subs and methadone. I also think your doing the right thing by leaving! It sounds like hes just using you, and no offense but hes a bit of a scum bag for introducing you to pills in the first place and thinking its ok to live off you. Best of luck!

 

[hill123]

Sorry for the late reply everyone, this week has been very busy for me. I did actually leave my boyfriend on Saturday. I did my last shot at 1pm and told him I was leaving around 3pm. We were sitting outside and he was about to go in so I asked him to stay outside so I could talk to him. I kissed him and started tearing up. He asked what I needed to talk to him about. I said "You know that I love you more than anyone in this world, right?" Then he immediately knew and asked if I was breaking up with him. I said yes, and before I could even explain why he got up and went inside, went into our room and put a shelf thingy in front of the door so I couldn't get in. I asked why he wouldn't let me talk to him and that I didn't want to leave this way. I explain to him that I need to leave to get myself clean and that we both need to work on our mental issues.

He kept ignoring me and then just said 'there's no point to talk to you if you're going to leave, it's not like it will change anything. I'll talk to you if you stay' he said he couldn't believe I wasn't even trying and just giving up, how I didn't talk to him about this sooner instead of telling him an hour before I left. But I feel like I did tell him about this sooner, in the past I've told him multiple times how we should get clean together or how are we going to fix our relationship and all he would say is 'I don't know'. He did ask me to tell my friend to turn around because he wanted me to stay, but I said I can't do that.

He ended up leaving during the middle of our talk to go pick up. I asked him to please be safe and careful and to please try and use around people and he said no, that he doesn't care if he dies because he has nothing to live for anymore. Before he left he said 'I hope you are here when I get back, but if not have a good life'. And while he was gone my friend showed up, so I left. And that's how it ended. He told me he doesn't want me to ever contact him and he will never contact me ever again because it will be too hard. That hurts me so much because I still wanted him to be apart of my life. I still love and care about him and think about him all the time. I just want to hear his voice. I semi wish he would have kind of chased after me more, or tried contacting me since I've left, just something to show that he really misses me or cares about me. But nope. Nothing.

in regards to me getting clean, I again took my last shot Saturday at 1pm. I then took 10 lopes Saturday at 4pm. Then Sunday I was able to pick up a sub strip and a xanax bar. I took both of those together. I usually don't take a full sub strip but I was kind of in a fuck it mood. But since then I haven't taken anything. I have access to more subs and xanax but I'm trying to ride this out and see how long I can go without taking anything. I feel fine now. Being constantly surrounded by friends has helped so much I can't even explain. I actually have put makeup on, taken pictures of myself, and laughed. Laughed so hard I cried. I honestly can't tell you the last time that has happened.

So although it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and still is hard, and I think about my ex constantly and wonder if I made the right decision or not....I'm atleast the most sober I've been in 3 years, and I'm actually doing things and hanging out with people not sitting alone sick in a basement.

I really do have to thank you all for giving me the courage and confidence to do this.
I hope you realize you saved a strangers life.

 

[herbavore]

I'm sorry it went that way but I guess it is no surprise, right? Your boyfriend felt desperate and so he used all the old manipulations (especially the I-have-nothing-to-live-for-now) and defensive strategies. I doubt he will stick with the "I will never contact you again" so be prepared for contact and have a strategy ready for yourself.

You are now dealing with two very hard things: WDS/PAWS and loneliness and loss of an important (even though it was unhealthy) relationship. Stay focused on getting healthy. Try to take every state of mind one minute at a time. When you feel a craving or temptation (to use, to pick up the phone and call your bf, to sink into despair of any kind) ask yourself, "Will this move me forward or backward?" You will know the answer and it can give you strength.